Good Morning, Do! Thank you, Nancy! Today is Saturday, April 1 ___________________________________________________ History: Today in 1991. The Warsaw Pact was officially dissolved. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award: Palm Beach County Lawyer Nabbed While Downloading Child Pornography _____________________________________________ Q All phone calls are obscene. --- Karen Elizabeth Gordon Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman. Believing what he read made him mad. --- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950) ________________________________________________ A little six year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every ten seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand. His mother says, Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while Billy says, I'm fine, Mommy i just haven't gone 'doody' yet." Mother says, Okay, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?" Billy says, Works for ketchup." __________________________________________ A 5 year old boy was sitting down to eat when his mother asked him to pray for his meal. He replied, "Mom we don't have to. We aleady prayed over this last night, and it did not help." His mother had prepared leftovers from the day before. ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ If absence makes the heart grow fonder, a lot of folks must love our church! Overheard: We serve coffee after church to get people awake before they drive home. ___________________________________________________ This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. There will be a Youth Rally on Friday night at 7 P.M. for the young and young in heat. Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzur. Bring wife and one other covered dish to banquet. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter. _________________________________________________  Sent by Linda! THANKS LINDA!!! ____________________________________________________ A woman is worried about an older woman, a widow, who lives in the apartment next door. She hasn't heard anything from her for a few days. So she tells her son, "I want you to go next door and see how ol' Mrs. Pierpoint is." A few minutes later, the boy returns. "Well, is she all right?" the mother asks. "She's fine, but she's annoyed with you," he says. "At me? Whatever for?" "Well," says her son, "Mrs. Pierpoint told me it's none of your business how old she is." ____________________________________________________ The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read.. BEST DEALS. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading.. LOWEST PRICES. The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read... MAIN ENTRANCE. ____________________________________________________  Not Spring yet! ____________________________________________________ >From Vic Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex. He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment. When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, I'd like one too! I said, But this is a dog.. He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, You don't understand. I've had Sex, since I was 9 years old. He winked and said You must have been quite a kid. When I married and went on my honeymoon. I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said, You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don't care what you do. One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married. The judge said, The courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case please. Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, Me too. Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday. ___________________________________________________ Two guys were out walking their dogs, when one dog wanders off to pee against the wall. Like dogs do, it raised it's leg and started to do his thing. The second dog then goes up and starts to go exactly where the other dog did. But instead of raising his leg, he stood up on his hind legs, put both paws on the wall and relieved himself. One guy says to the other, "Wow, how did you teach him to pee like that?" The second man replies, "I didn't teach him. He's done it ever since the wall fell on him!" A_________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been reported by Rock  Michael Dolce, 53, West Palm Beach, Florida, USA Palm Beach County Lawyer Nabbed While Downloading Child Pornography According to the filed criminal complaint affidavit, on March 15, FBI agents executed a search warrant at Dolce's West Palm Beach apartment. They discovered Dolce actively downloading child pornography using peer-2-peer software. Nearly 2000 images and videos of child pornography were recovered from his devices. U.S. Attorney Markenzy Lapointe for the Southern District of Florida and Special Agent in Charge Jeffrey B. Veltri of the FBI, Miami Field Office, announced the charges. FBI Miami, West Palm Beach Resident Agency investigated the case. Assistant U.S. Attorney Gregory Schiller is prosecuting the case. _________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Celine Re: "not reply" mails Dear Webby How do you deal with mails labelled "Do not reply" ? Celine Dear Celine I don't. I made a filter in MailWasher that sends any mail from a "Do not reply" address straight to hell, unseen and unread. If it is important enough, then eventually the bozos will mail from a real address. Have FUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________________ Today, April 1 in 0527. Justinianus became the emperor of Byzantium. 1572. The Sea Beggars under Guillaume de la Marck landed in Holland and captured the small town of Briel. 1621. The Plymouth, MA, colonists created the first treaty with Native Americans. 1748. The ruins of Pompeii were found. 1778. Oliver Pollock, a New Orleans businessman, created the "$" symbol. 1789. The U.S. House of Representatives held its first full meeting in New York City. Frederick Muhlenberg of Pennsylvania was elected the first House Speaker. 1793. In Japan, the volcano Unsen erupted killing about 53,000. 1826. Samuel Mory patented the internal combustion engine. 1853. Cincinnati became the first U.S. city to pay fire fighters a regular salary. 1863. The first wartime conscription law went into effect in the U.S. 1864. The first travel accident policy was issued to James Batterson by the Travelers Insurance Company. 1865. At the Battle of Five Forks in Petersburg, VA, Gen. Robert E. Lee began his final offensive. 1867. Black people voted in the municipal election in Tuscumbia, AL. 1867. The International Exhibition opened in Paris. 1867. Singapore, Penang & Malakka became British crown colonies. 1873. The British White Star steamship Atlantic sank off Nova Scotia killing 547. 1881. Anti-Jewish riots took place in Jerusalem. 1881. Kingdom post office in Netherlands opened. 1889. The first dishwashing machine was marketed (in Chicago). 1891. The London-Paris telephone connection opened. 1891. The William Wrigley Jr. Company was founded in Chicago, IL. The company is most known for its Juicy Fruit gum. 1905. The British East African Protectorate became the colony of Kenya. 1905. Paris and Berlin were linked by telephone. 1918. England's Royal Flying Corps was replaced by the Royal Air Force. 1924. Adolf Hitler was sentenced to five years in prison for high treason in relation to the "Beer Hall Putsch." 1924. Imperial Airways was formed in Britain. 1927. The first automatic record changer was introduced by His Master's Voice. 1928. China's Chiang Kai-shek began attacking communists. 1929. Louie Marx introduced the Yo-Yo. 1930. Leo Hartnett of the Chicago Cubs broke the altitude record for a catch by catching a baseball dropped from the Goodyear blimp 800 feet over Los Angeles, CA. 1931. An Earthquake devastated Managua Nicaragua killing 2,000. 1931. Jackie Mitchell became the first female in professional baseball when she signed with the Chattanooga Baseball Club. 1933. Nazi Germany began the persecution of Jews by boycotting Jewish businesses. 1935. The first radio tube to be made of metal was announced. 1937. Aden became a British colony. 1938. The first commercially successful fluorescent lamps were introduced. 1939. The U.S. recognized the Franco government in Spain at end of Spanish civil war. 1941. The first contract for advertising on a commercial FM radio station began on W71NY in New York City. 1945. U.S. forces invaded Okinawa during World War II. It was the last campaign of World War II. 1946. Weight Watchers was formed. 1946. A tidal wave (tsunami) struck the Hawaiian Islands killing more than 170 people. 1948. The Berlin Airlift began. 1949. "Happy Pappy" premiered. It was the first all-black- cast variety show. 1950. Italian Somalia became a United Nations trust territory under Italian administration. 1952. The Big Bang theory was proposed in "Physical Review" by Alpher, Bethe & Gamow. 1960. France exploded 2 atom bombs in the Sahara Desert. 1960. The U.S. launched TIROS-1. It was the first weather satellite. 1963. Workers of the International Typographical Union ended their strike that had closed nine New York City newspapers. The strike ended 114 days after it began on December 8, 1962. 1970. The U.S. Army charged Captain Ernest Medina in the My Lai massacre. 1970. U.S. President Nixon signed the bill, the Public Health Cigarette Smoking Act, that banned cigarette advertisements to be effective on January 1, 1971. 1971. The United Kingdom lifted all restrictions on gold ownership. 1972. North Vietnamese and Viet Cong troops renewed their offensive in South Vietnam. 1973. Japan allowed its citizens to own gold. 1976. Apple Computer began operations. 1979. Iran was proclaimed to be an Islamic Republic by Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini after the fall of the Shah. 1980. A failed assassination attempt against Iraqi vice- premier Tariq Aziz occurred. 1982. The U.S. transferred the Canal Zone to Panama. 1983. New York Islander Mike Bossy became the first National Hockey League (NHL) player to score 60 goals in 3 consecutive seasons. 1985. World oil prices dropped below $10 a barrel. 1986. The U.S. submarine Nathaniel Green ran aground in the Irish Sea. 1987. Steve Newman became the first man to walk around the world. The walk was 22,000 miles and took 4 years. 1987. U.S. President Reagan told doctors in Philadelphia, "We've declared AIDS public health enemy No. 1." 1991. Iran released British hostage Roger Cooper after 5 years. 1991. The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that jurors could not be barred from serving due to their race. 1991. The Warsaw Pact was officially dissolved. 1992. Players began the first strike in the 75-year history of the National Hockey League (NHL). 1998. A federal judge dismissed the Paula Jones' sexual harassment lawsuit against U.S. President Clinton saying that the claims fell "far short" of being worthy of a trial. 1999. In Zhytomyr, Ukraine, Anatoliy Onoprienko was sentenced to death for the deaths of 52 men, women and children. 43 of the killings occurred in a 6-month period. 1999. The Canadian territory of Nunavut was created. It was carved from the eastern part of the Northwest Territories and covered about 772,000 square miles. 2001. China began holding 24 crewmembers of a U.S. surveillance plane. The EP-3E U.S. Navy crew had made an emergency landing after an in-flight collision with a Chinese fighter jet. The Chinese pilot was missing and presumed dead. The U.S. crew was released on April 11, 2001. 2001. Former Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic was arrested on corruption charges after a 26-hour standoff with the police at his Belgrade villa. 2003. North Korea test-fired an anti-ship missile off its west coast. 2004. U.S. President George W. Bush signed the Unborn Victims of Violence Act. The bill made it a crime to harm a fetus during an assault on a pregnant woman. 2004. Gateway Inc. announced that it would be closing all of its 188 stores on April 9. 2009. Albania and Croatia joined the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO). 2010. The U.S. Congress cut Medicare reimbursements to physicians by 21%. 2023, Do smiled.
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