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___________________________________________________ History: on this day, February 5, in 1881, Phoenix, AZ, was incorporated. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Awards: International Bonehead Award Man convicted of attempted murder, arson __________________________________________________ Q It's not the voting that's democracy, it's the counting. --- Tom Stoppard (1937 - ) The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations. --- David Friedman ________________________________________________ There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot. When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?" To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, I have to keep half of them in the air all the time!" __________________________________________________ "Sir," said the timid employee to his boss, "my wife says I'm to ask you for a raise." "Fine," the boss replied. "I'll ask my wife if I can give you one." __________________________________________________  __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ____________________________________________________ Jesus loves you.... Everyone else thinks you're an ass. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you! I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. Hang up and drive! GUYS, no shirt, no service, GALS, no shirt, no charge. Heart attacks, God's revenge for eating his veggie friends. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted. Try not to let your mind wonder, Its too small to be out by itself. The proctologist called, the found your head. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have any film. Some people just don't know how to drive, I call these people, "EVERYBODY BUT ME!" Don't like my driving, Then quit watching me. ____________________________________________________  ___________________________________________________ While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year- old son with her. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?" "What do you say?" she asked. Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful." The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money. __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ____________________________________________________ The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker... that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling." _______________________________________________ The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor was not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave -- with no penalties for missing a class. The rooms were equipped with the type of wall clocks which "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks were not of the most sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute. So, it became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at the clock (this particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well- aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself. Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told the class, "You have one hour to complete the examination". The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room, gleefully took aim at the clock. When he had successfully "jumped" the clock forward one hour, he ended the class and collected the exam papers. _____________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________ This quiz has been around since we were kids. Remember the answers? 1. If a plane crashed on the border of the USA and Canada, where should the survivors be buried? 2. How many species of each animal did Moses take aboard the ark? 3. How many months have 28 days? 4. How far can a bear walk into the woods? 5. What is the value of coin dated 24 B.C.? 6. How many grooves does a 45rpm phonograph record have? 7. A camper leaves her camp, hikes 1 mile south, then 1 mile east where she sees a bear. Then she hikes 1 mile north to arrive at her camp. What color is the bear? 8. If a rooster lays an egg on the peak of a roof , will the egg roll to the left side or to the right side? 9. If a south bound electric train is traveling at a rate of 66 miles per hour and the wind is blowing to the north at 35 miles per hour, which way will the smoke blow? 10. On which side of a chicken are the most feathers? ANSWERS: 1. You don't bury survivors. Makes them quite uptight! 2. Moses didn't have an Ark, Noah did. 3. All twelve of them. 4. Half way, then he is walking out of the woods. 5. Nothing, a coin could not be dated BC. 6. One (spiraling) on each side. 7. The camp must be at the north pole, therefore the bear is white. 8. Roosters don't lay eggs, chickens do. 9. Electric trains don't blow smoke. 10. The outside. ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ____________________________________________________ It was Palm Sunday and, because of strep throat, Sue's four-year-old son had to stay home from church with a baby-sitter. When the family returned home carrying palm branches, he asked what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his mother explained. "Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I didn't go, He showed up!" ___________________________________________________ >From Sarah When we were looking to buy property I had this over zealous realtor show us what can only be described as a totally worn-out old farm. I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds were not even growing. The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people." I replied, "Yeah, I agree, but couldn't the same be said of Hell?" ____________________________________________________ International Bonehead Award Man convicted of attempted murder, arson ____________________________________________________ Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something. --- Robert Heinlein (1907 - 1988) ____________________________________________________ A father, mother and child went out to spend time on the beach on a hot summer's day, but as soon as they reached the beach they discovered that there was a black flag there, a sign not to enter the water. The boy really wanted to get in the water, but his mother did not agree and they stayed on the beach to rest in the sun and play in the sand. After a few minutes, the father got bored and turned to his wife: "Keep an eye on the boy, I'm going into the water, there's no way the sea is really that dangerous." After a few minutes the boy asked "Mom, why did you let dad get in the water and not me?" "Because you and father are two different people and there are things he can do and you can't." answered the mother. "Is it because dad knows how to swim really well?" continued the boy. "Not really" answered the mother. "Is it because dad is big and strong?" "No." "Then why is daddy allowed to enter the water and I'm not?" the boy complained. "Because daddy has life insurance." __________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Mark Martin, 37, Visalia, California, USA Man convicted of attempted murder, arson A 37-year-old man from Visalia was convicted of attempted murder and arson on Thursday, according to the Tulare County District Attorneys office. Officials say on Feb. 7, 2021, Super Bowl Sunday, at around 6:30 p.m. Mark Martin allegedly broke into the garage of his ex-girlfriend with whom he has two children. At that moment the woman and the two minors were also in the Visalia home. District Attorney officials say Martin used gasoline to start a fire near the water heater, which quickly spread to two cars in the garage and other areas. The occupants were quickly evacuated. Initially, it was believed that the incident started from a water heater failure, but investigators found that it started as a fire and police officers determined arson as the cause. Officials say during the investigation, law enforcement obtained security video from nearby homes that showed a man riding a BMX bicycle around that house during the time of the fire. Martin was later identified as the suspect. Authorities say the next day Martin made a post on social media directed to his ex-girlfriend about the seriousness of his intentions and the fear he hoped the fire instilled in her. He also posted in a Visalia social group on Facebook, asking how a water heater could cause so much damage. He was arrested on Feb. 9th, 2021. Additionally, the victim presented evidence of a series of threats and harassment made before the incident, including Martins voicemails directed to the victim saying die in a slow death and burn to death as well as a note left in his exs vehicle threatening her new boyfriend to end the relationship, and statements that showed Martin bragging about setting the fire in less than an hour before the incident, the DAs office said. Martin was convicted charges of attempted murder, arson, and residential burglary as well as multiple felony convictions. Sentencing has been scheduled for Oct. 3 _____________________________________________________  From Jody __________________________________________________ A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex. He gives her a pill but warns her it is still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner and she does. About a week later she's back at the doctor and says, "The pill worked great. I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said. It wasn't five minutes later and he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes on the floor, grabbed me and made love right there on the table." The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." The lady replied, "Naah, That's okay. We aren't going back to McDonalds anyway." _____________________________________________________ Have you heard about the five young bulls standing in the pasture discussing what they wanted to be when they grew up? The first said he wanted to go to Rome and become a papal bull. The second said he wanted to go to New York and become a bull on Wall Street. The third wanted to go to the windy city to become a Chicago Bull. The fourth said he wanted to go to Beijing and be a bull in a China shop. The fifth said he was just going to stay in the pasture for heifer and heifer and heifer. _____________________________________________________  Iceland ___________________________________________________ According to "Men's Health" magazine, 71% of men feel their dog understands them at some telepathic level. That's because men and dogs have the same interests ~~> eat, sleep, play ball, and hump. _________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Helen RE: Duplicate Sweeper Hi Dear Webby, Not sure what I would do without your newsletter. I totally appreciate the humor, your vast knowledge and your willingness to share. My newest question: What do you think of Duplicate Sweeper? Is it trustworthy? is it worth the price? Thank you. Helen Dear Helen I would not waste money on that. Personally, I use Search Everything. It is still free. If there are duplicates, they show up in that quite nicely, and I can compare sizes and dates, and I can even sort by dates. Exit "Search Everything" when done with it. Because it looks at the entire machine, it uses a lot of memory. You can still operate for a while, but eventually your browsers will bung up. Have FUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________________ - If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities. - Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners. - In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah. - A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population. ____________________________________________________ Today, February 5 in 1782, The Spanish captured Minorca from the British. 1783, Sweden recognized the independence of the United States. 1846, "The Oregon Spectator", based in Oregon City, became the first newspaper published on the Pacific coast. 1861, Samuel Goodale patented the moving picture peep show machine. 1885, Congo State was established under Leopold II of Belgium, as a personal possession. 1881, Phoenix, AZ, was incorporated. 1917, Mexico's constitution was adopted. 1917, The U.S. Congress passed the Immigration Act of 1917 (Asiatic Barred Zone Act) with an overwhelming majority. The action overrode President Woodrow Wilson's December 14, 1916 veto. 1924, The BBC time signals, or "pips", from Greenwich Observatory were heard for the first time. They are broadcast every hour. 1931, Maxine Dunlap became the first woman licensed as a glider pilot. 1952, In New York City, four signs were installed at 44th Street and Broadway in Times Square that told pedestrians "don't walk." 1958, Gamel Abdel Nasser was formally nominated to become the first president of the United Arab Republic. 1962, French President Charles De Gaulle called for Algeria's independence. 1972, Bob Douglas became the first black man elected to the Basketball Hall of Fame in Springfield, MA. 1982, Great Britain imposed economic sanctions against Poland and Russia in protest against martial law in Poland. 1987, The Dow Jones industrial average closed above the 2,200-point for the first time. The market closed at 2201.49. 1988, A pair of indictments were unsealed in Florida, accusing Panama's military leader, Gen. Manuel Antonio Noriega, of bribery and drug trafficking. 1994, White separatist Byron De La Beckwith was convicted in Jackson, MS, of the 1963 murder of civil rights leader Medgar Evers. 1997, Switzerland's "Big Three" banks announced they would create a $71 million fund for Holocaust victims and their families. 1997, Investment bank Morgan Stanley announced a $10 billion merger with Dean Witter. 1999, Mike Tyson was sentenced to a year in jail for assaulting two people after a car accident on August 31, 1998. Tyson was also fined $5,000, had to serve 2 years of probation, and had to perform 200 hours of community service upon release. 2001, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman announced their separation. 2003, U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell presented evidence to the U.N. concerning Iraq's material breach of U.N. Resolution 1441. 2022 Do smiled.
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