Good Morning, Do! Today is Monday, April 11 ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Drunk man was driving over 100 mph in crash that killed 2 women, unborn child. ___________________________________________________ On April 11 in 1981, U.S. President Ronald Reagan returned to the White House from the hospital after recovering from an assassination attempt on March 30. __________________________________________________ I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. --- Jack Handey (1949 - ) I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. --- Mark Twain Its amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit. --- Harry S. Truman ____________________________________________________ TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects? JOE: Don't bite any insects. ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ These two guys are sat in their hospital beds having a little chat. The first guy asks the second, "What are you in for?" "Camera down the throat." the second guy replies. "Oh, endoscopy?" the first guy asks. The second guy says, "Yeah. Checking for stomach cancer. How about you?" "Camera up the butt" the first guy says. "Oh colonoscopy, checking for bowel cancer?" asks the second guy. The first guy says, "No, my neighbor was sunbathing and my wife caught me taking a photo." ____________________________________________________   John Silvers ___________________________________________________ Re Politics: Issues? What issues? Czech voters, soon to vote in general elections, are being wooed by the Christian Democrats on one side, who are handing out free shots of plum brandy to gain attention, and by the Communist party on the other side who are using topless women to hand out campaign literature. The communists apparently are abreast by 2 points. ____________________________________________________ From 2002 In other news I heard that the anarchists who had been planning to come to Calgary and smash things up during the G8 summit, are apparently in a big snit and will take their rocks elsewhere. They say it's not just the "excessive security measures" of 5000 uniformed soldiers and 1500 uniformed police (and probably the same number again of each service in plain clothes), but the "failure of the city of Calgary to provide a stadium or other suitable place where they can organize and from where to start their protests". Apparently it has not occurred to the boneheads that all the stadiums are booked one or two years in advance by paying customers like rock concerts, football and hockey games. Imagine the brief but drastic action that would result if 50,000 hockey or football fans are told that their tickets are no good because 5000 anarchists want to use the stadium to count their rocks! Apparently the protesters are also in a snit that the hotels are all booked solid (just like EVERY year during Stampede season) and staff laughed at them when they wanted discounted rates and free complimentary suites for the protest organizers. Instead, the government has already moved all the inmates from all the jails in the area to jails in other regions and blocked staff vacation requests. According to the FBI and the CIA and the RCMP, whose undercover agents attend every anarchist meeting, even if no real anarchists are sober enough to attend, the protesters have decided to take their rocks to Ottawa and take advantage of all the cops being in far away Calgary. They haven't quite figured out yet what they want to protest against, but they demand to be taken serious. ___________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Zachary Paulison, 22, OMAHA, Nebraska USA  Drunk man was driving over 100 mph in crash that killed 2 women, unborn child  Police arrested an Omaha man Wednesday on suspicion of being drunk and causing a fiery crash last week that killed two women, including a corrections officer who was eight months pregnant. Zachary Paulison, who turned 22 Wednesday, was booked on suspicion of two counts of vehicular homicide while intoxicated and one count of vehicular homicide of an unborn child, Omaha police said in a news release Wednesday. Investigators know Paulison was drunk (1.61) the night of March 31 when his pickup truck collided with the sport utility vehicle driven by 37-year-old Sara Zimmerman, who was an officer with the Douglas County Department of Corrections. According to WOWT, Paulison was driving more than 100 mph and had a blood alcohol level of 1.61 - more than twice the legal limit. Investigators said there's no evidence that he hit the brakes before slamming his F-250 pickup truck into a Nissan Altima. Police said both vehicles went into a ditch and the SUV erupted in flames. Zimmerman, who was pregnant, and her passenger, 38-year-old Amanda Schook, died in the crash. Paulison was taken to an Omaha hospital with back and chest fractures, police said. He's being held in the Sarpy County Jail on a $1 million bond. When he gets out of the hospital, he will be held at the jail, where Sara Zimmerman worked. He just might get an optional tune-up or two there.  ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________  DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Helen Re: Duplicate Sweeper Not sure what I would do without your newsletter. I totally appreciate the humor, your vast knowledge and your willingness to share. My newest question: What do you think of Duplicate Sweeper? Is it trustworthy? is it worth the price? Thank you. Helen  Dear Helen I would not waste money on that. Personally, I use Search Everything. It is free. If there are duplicates, they show up in that quite nicely, and I can compare sizes and dates. Have FUN! DearWebby ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! __________________________________________ A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some awesome display of teamwork ! What's your system ?" The father replied, "It's quite simple: No one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up." 
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 _____________________________________________ The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good news. Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.' With this the platoon cheered, as Private Peters was a bit overweight and quite slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be my driver in my new jeep ." ______________________________________________ My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad- libs parts of the stories for fun. One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house?" Then the teacher asked the class "What do you think that man said?" My friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know! He said, 'Holy Cow!! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. ______________________________________________ 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 Miss Addy asked Johnnie why he was late. You see, at the ranch this here coyote it ate six hens and killed the goat. And last night when Pa heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said, "That coyote's back again! Stay back, he told all us kids, I wouldn't want ya hurt! He was naked as a jaybird- no pants, no boots, no shirt! To the henhouse there he crawled, like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel, through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, Our ol' hound Zeke come asneakin'up behind. And cold-nosed Pa without no warnin'. We been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'! ___________________________________________________  
 Today, April 11, in 1512, The forces of the Holy League were heavily defeated by the French at the Battle of Ravenna. 1689, William III and Mary II were crowned as joint sovereigns of Britain. 1713, The Treaty of Utrecht was signed, ending the War of Spanish Succession. 1783, After receiving a copy of the provisional treaty on March 13, the U.S. Congress proclaimed a formal end to hostilities with Great Britain. 1803, A twin-screw propeller steamboat was patented by John Stevens. 1814, Napoleon was forced to abdicate his throne. The allied European nations had marched into Paris on March 30, 1814. He was banished to the island of Elba. 1876, The stenotype was patented by John C. Zachos. 1876, The Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks was organized. 1895, Anaheim, CA, completed its new electric light system. 1898, U.S. President William McKinley asked Congress for a declaration of war with Spain. 1899, The treaty ending the Spanish-American War was declared in effect. 1921, Iowa became the first state to impose a cigarette tax. 1921, The first live sports event on radio took place this day on KDKA Radio. The event was a boxing match between Johnny Ray and Johnny Dundee. 1901, Construction on the Empire State Building was completed. The building was dedicated and opened on May 1, 1931. 1940, Andrew Ponzi set a world's record in a New York billiards tournament when he ran 127 balls straight. 1941, German bombers blitzed Conventry, England. 1945, U.S. troops reached the Elbe River in Germany. 1945, During World War II, American soldiers liberated the Nazi concentration camp of Buchenwald in Germany. 1948, The discovery of the Dead Sea Scrolls was announced in a general press release. 1951, U.S. President Truman fired General Douglas MacArthur as head of United Nations forces in Korea. 1961, Israel began the trial of Adolf Eichman, accused of World War II war crimes. 1968, U.S. President Johnson signed the 1968 Civil Rights Act. 1970, Apollo 13 blasted off on a mission to the moon that was disrupted when an explosion crippled the spacecraft. The astronauts did return safely. 1974, The Judiciary committee subpoenas U.S. President Richard Nixon to produce tapes for impeachment inquiry. 1979, Idi Amin was deposed as president of Uganda as rebels and exiles backed by Tanzanian forces seized control. 1980, The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission issued regulations specifically prohibiting sexual harassment of workers by supervisors. 1981, U.S. President Ronald Reagan returned to the White House from the hospital after recovering from an assassination attempt on March 30. 1981, In the Brixton area of London, a race riot erupted that resulted in the injury of more than 300 people. 1984, China invaded Vietnam. 1984, General Secretary Konstantin U. Cherenkov was named president of the Soviet Union. 1985, Scientists in Hawaii measured the distance between the earth and moon within one inch. 1985, The White House announced that President Reagan would visit the Nazi cemetery at Bitburg. 1986, Dodge Morgan sailed solo nonstop around the world in 150 days. 1986, In Groton, CT, the submarine Nautilus exhibit opened to the public. 1986, Kellogg's stopped giving tours of its breakfast-food plant. The reason for the end of the 80-year tradition was said to be that company secrets were at risk due to spies from other cereal companies. 1991, U.N. Security Council issued a formal cease-fire with Iraq. 1996, Forty-three African nations signed the African Nuclear Weapons Free Zone Treaty. 1996, Seven-year-old Jessica Dubroff was killed with her father and flight instructor when her plane crashed after takeoff from Cheyenne, Wyoming. Jessica had hoped to become the youngest person to fly cross-country. 1998, Northern Ireland's biggest political party, the Ulster Unionists, announced its backing of the historic peace deal. 1999, Daouda Malam Wanke was designated president of Niger. President Ibrahim Bar Manassara had been assassinated on April 9. 2001, China agreed to release 24 crewmembers of a U.S. surveillance plane. The EP-3E Navy crew had been held since April 1 on Hainon, where the plane had made an emergency landing after an in-flight collision with a Chinese fighter jet. The Chinese pilot was missing and presumed dead. 2007, Apple announced that the iTunes Store had sold more than two million movies. 2022 Do smiled. 

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