Good Morning, Do! Today is Wednesday, December 7 Thank you, Claude P! Thank you, Claude P!  
 
  1411
If you like my work,
 Please donate a dollar, 
 or two, if you can afford it!
 Please, help me stay online!
 
 ___________________________________________________ History: on this day, December 7, in 1941, Pearl Harbor, located on the Hawaiian island of Oahu was attacked by nearly 200 Japanese warplanes. The attack resulted in the U.S. entering into World War II. ____________________________________________________ Bonehed Award:  Orlando man had sex with dog in front of people; damaged church property, mailbox  _____________________________________________________ Q When you encounter seemingly good advice that contradicts other seemingly good advice, ignore them both. --- Al Franken, "Oh, the Things I Know", 2002 Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. --- Arthur C. Clarke (1917 - ) It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. --- Alfred Adler (1870 - 1937) ____________________________________________________ An irritated father complained to his golf buddy. "When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved. But my son has his own color TV, telephone, computer, every computer game and CD player in his room!" "So how do you handle it?" his friend asked. "I send him to MY room!" __________________________________________________ Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them yelled, "Ma'am, STOP! You knocked out your cat with the first slam. If you are going to keep doing that, you are going to get some very expensive vet bills!" __________________________________________________ Reported by Rock: An International Bonehead Award has been earned by  Chad Mason, 36, Orlando, Florida, USA  Orlando man had sex with dog in front of people; damaged church property, mailbox  An Orlando man was in Clearwater where he had sex with a goldendoodle in front of adults and a child, damaged a nativity display at a nearby church, and tried to steal a vehicle, police said. Sunday, police arrested 36-year-old Chad Mason on several charges including sexual activity with an animal, exposing sexual organs, and criminal mischief to a place of worship. That day, officers responded to an apartment complex in the 2600 block of McMullen Booth Road around 4:30 p.m. According to Mason's arrest affidavit, he knew the owner of the dog and was taking the goldendoodle out for a walk in the apartment complex. Then, he started having sex with the dog in front of witnesses, including adults and a juvenile who was less than 16 years old, police said. When Mason was confronted by one of the adults, he fled and "began to wreak havoc in the surrounding areas," his affidavit read in part. READ: Clearwater elementary students, staff to donate items to Fort Myers elementary school damaged by Hurricane Ian Police said Mason ran to the Northwood Presbyterian Church, where he knocked over a nativity display, broke potted plants, and tossed children's toys from the playground area. Officials estimated about $400 in damages to the church. After leaving the church, police said he damaged a mailbox in the adjacent neighborhood and tried to steal a car before he was taken into custody. ___________________________________________________   Lineated Woodpecker, Trinidad ___________________________________________________ Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction. "Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?" "Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets." ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Re yesterday's picture: That really is Goblin Valley Park in Utah, and NOT Mars. Just looks identical. ___________________________________________________   _________________________________________________ Now The updated version for the 21st Century woman. 1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood. 2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his credit card!) 3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage. 4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma's! 5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him with a warm smile . . . this way he might fix it sooner). 6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the cooking and the cleanup. 7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy blanket if he's cold. This will show you really care. 8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word. 9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed. 10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him that you make more money than he does. _______________________________________________ The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention so he asked one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a punch, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. "What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?", he demanded. "Half the audience walked out before I finished." Jenkins was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for." __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal. "Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend. "Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90." ------------- I will be 90 ! ________________________________________________________   "Don't make me come down there!" ________________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits  From:Donny Re: Edge needed on W10 Dear Webby Hi all, Thought I'd inform you of an experience I had this week. If you are using Windows 10; DO NOT DELETE Microsoft Edge !!!! I did and could not get on the internet, in my email or access my external hard drives !!!!! As soon as I re-installed 'Edge' everything was fine again. I prefer Google but you must have 'Edge' installed in order to do anything !!!! Must be a new "thing" with Microsoft (Windows 10). Just thought you should all be aware of this !!! Donny  Dear David Dear Donny Yes, if you get rid of both Edge and Internet Exploder, and don't have a default browser like Chrome set up, then you are in trouble. That is not really a new thing. Without a default browser, you are up sh*t clreek without a paddle. However, even if you have Chrome or FireFox as the default browser, Microsoft still plays stupid when you try to hit a link in email. Better to keep Edge on the machine somewhere. Microsoft owns you. You got to play by their rules. Have FUN DearWebby _____________________________________________________ >From Lynn: Dear Webby, could you please run that Toddler's Diet joke again? Thanks, Lynn Sure. Here it is: THE TODDLER DIET You folks with toddlers should relate to this one! Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem? Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two- year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a glass of water and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught Moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor -- otherwise, you might have to see him afterward. Good luck! DAY ONE Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest). Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi. Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor. DAY TWO Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired. Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug. Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon. DAY THREE Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair. Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up. Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. FINAL DAY Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes, add a half cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it. Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert. _____________________________________________________ Ophelia Dingbatter's News no sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. ____________________________________________________ Today, December 7 in 1431, In Paris, Henry VI of England was crowned King of France. 1732, The original Covent Garden Theatre Royal (now the Royal Opera House) was opened. 1787, Delaware became the first state to ratify the U.S. constitution becoming the first of the United States. 1796, John Adams was elected to be the second president of the United States. 1889, The first of 554 performances of "The Gondoliers" took place. 1907, At London's National Sporting Club, Eugene Corri became the first referee to officiate from inside a boxing ring. 1925, Swimmer Johnny Weissmuller set a world record in the 150-yard freestyle with a time of 1 minute, 25 and 2/5 seconds. He went on to play "Tarzan" in several movies. 1926, The gas operated refrigerator was patented by The Electrolux Servel Corporation. 1941, Pearl Harbor, located on the Hawaiian island of Oahu was attacked by nearly 200 Japanese warplanes. The attack resulted in the U.S. entering into World War II. 1946, A fire at the Winecoff Hotel in Atlanta killed 119 people. It was America's worst hotel fire disaster. The hotel founder, W. Frank Winecoff, was also killed in the fire. 1971, Libya announced the nationalization of British Petroleum's assets. 1972, Apollo 17 was launched at Cape Canaveral. It was the last U.S. moon mission. 1972, Imelda Marcos, wife of Philippine President Ferdinand E. Marcos, was stabbed and seriously wounded by an assailant. The man was then shot and killed by her bodyguards. 1974, President Makarios returned to Cyprus after five months in exile. 1980, General Antonio Ramlho Eanes was reelected president of Portugal. His right-wing opposition was thrown into disarray by the death of Premier Francisco Sa Carneiro in a plane crash. 1982, Charlie Brooks Junior, a convicted murderer, became the first prisoner in the U.S. to be executed by injection, at a prison in Huntsville, TX. 1983, Madrid, Spain, an Aviaco DC-9 collided on a runway with an Iberia Air Lines Boeing 727 that was accelerating for takeoff. The collision resulted in the death of all 42 people aboard the DC-9 and 51 on the Iberia jet. 1987, Soviet leader Mikhail S. Gorbachev set foot on American soil for the first time. He had come to the U.S. for a Washington summit with U.S. President Reagan. 1987, 43 people were killed when a gunman opened fire on a fellow passenger and the two pilots aboard a Pacific Southwest Airlines jetliner. 1988, An estimated 25,000 people were killed when a major earthquake hit northern Armenia in the Soviet Union. The quake measured 6.9 on the Richter Scale. 1988, Soviet President Mikhail S. Gorbachev announced the reduction of the number of Soviet military troops by half a million. 1989, East Germany's Communist Party agreed to cooperate with the plan for free elections and a revised constitution. 1992, The U.S. Supreme Court rejected a Mississippi abortion law which, required women to get counseling and then wait 24 hours before terminating their pregnancies. 1993, Six people were killed and 17 were injured when a gunman opened fire on a Long Island Rail Road commuter train. 1993, Energy Secretary Hazel O'Leary revealed that the U.S. government had conducted more than 200 nuclear weapons tests in secret at its Nevada test site. 1993, Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders suggested that the U.S. government study the impact of drug legalization. 1995, A probe sent from the Galileo spacecraft entered into Jupiter's atmosphere. The probe sent back data to the mothership before it was presumably destroyed. 1996, The space shuttle Columbia returned from the longest-ever shuttle flight of 17 days, 15 hours and 54 minutes. 1998, The U.N. evacuated 14 peacekeepers that were trapped by fighting between army and rebel forces in central Angola. 1998, U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno declined to seek an independent counsel investigation of President Clinton over 1996 campaign financing. 1999, A U.S. federal grand jury indicted a former convict in the 1995 disappearance of atheist leader Madalyn Murray O'Hair. 2002, In Amsterdam, Netherlands, two Van Gogh paintings were stolen from the Van Gogh Museum. The two works were "View of the Sea st Scheveningen" and "Congregation Leaving the Reformed Church in Nuenen." On July 26, 2004, two men were convicted for the crime and were sentenced to at least four years in prison each. 2002, In Mymensingh, Bangladesh, four movie theaters were bombed within 30 minutes of each other. At least 15 people were killed and over 200 were injured. 2003, A 12-inch by 26-inch painting of a river landscape and sailing vessel by Martin Johnson Heade was sold at auction for $1 million. The painting was found in the attic of a suburban Boston home where it had been stored for more than 60 years. 2022 Do smiled. 

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!