Good Morning, Do, Today is Tuesnday, Aug 1 Have Fun! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Escaped inmate kidnaps, kills asst. warden's teen stepdaughter, later dies in shootout with guards  Boneheads ______________________________________________________ Today, Aug 1 in 1498 Christopher Columbus landed on "Isla Santa" (Venezuela). See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ 
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 ______________________________________________________ No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. --- Eleanor Roosevelt (1884 - 1962) "Beware of the young doctor and the old barber." --- Benjamin Franklin ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!  ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Sandie for her confession: Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you. The next day I stopped smoking. Twelve days ago, I read that red meat can kill you. The next day I stopped eating red meat. Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you. The next day I stopped drinking. Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you. This morning I stopped reading. _____________________________________________________   ______________________________________________________ A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving." ______________________________________________________   _____________________________________________________ 
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 ______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD AND a Darwin Award, has been earned by  Deltra Henderson, 39, Baton Rouge, Louisiana  Escaped inmate kidnaps, kills asst. warden's teen stepdaughter, later dies in shootout with guards  A prisoner abducted and killed an assistant warden's teenage stepdaughter after he escaped from a Louisiana prison, authorities said Friday. The inmate was later found dead after a standoff with police. Deltra Henderson, 39, walked away from his prison assignment at David Wade Correctional Center on Thursday afternoon, stole a car and kidnapped Amanda Carney, the Claiborne Parish Sheriff's Office said in a statement. The 18-year-old's body was found in a wooded area near the prison where Henderson crashed the car. Sheriff Ken Bailey said during a telephone interview that investigators believe Henderson stabbed Carney to death, but they're awaiting autopsy results. Henderson stole a second vehicle and crashed it, too, before he entered a nearby home on prison property and found a gun, authorities said. He barricaded himself inside after a gunfight with prison guards. Police found his body inside the home after the standoff ended. Investigators suspect Henderson was fatally wounded while he traded gunfire with prison guards, before police arrived, according to the sheriff. Carney, the girl, recently graduated from a local high school and was enrolling at Southern Arkansas University in the fall to study nursing, the sheriff said. Everybody knows everybody (here), the sheriff said. It's just tragic. The corrections department is offering grief counseling to staff members and inmates at the prison in Homer, which is in north Louisiana and can house up to 1,244 inmates. Henderson had been an inmate at the prison since June 2001. He arrived there about a month after he began serving a 30-year prison sentence for convictions on charges of cocaine distribution, attempted armed robbery and aggravated burglary. Henderson had a potential release date of March 28, 2025, the corrections department said. The News-Star reported that Henderson pleaded guilty to a 1999 armed robbery at a Farmerville home where a 14-year-old girl and her mother were seriously wounded by gunfire during the robbery. In 2015, Henderson petitioned a judge for a reduced sentence, expressing remorse and highlighting his status as a first offender, the newspaper reported. In his petition, Henderson wrote that he had completed programs in prison to become a better person and said he had been a young man, running around with the wrong crowd at the time of his offenses.  _________________________________  Tech Support Pits From: Jerry Re: Erratic Toshiba laptop Dear Webby, I just got a new Toshiba Satellite laptop and cannot do word processing without text being jumbled like the next sentence. It is frustrating. Help! I just got a ndo word proceing cannot ew Toshiba Satellite Thanx Jerry  Since you are probably using a mouse anyway, cover that silly touch-pad with a piece of cardboard. That way your thumbs won't accidentally touch it and move stuff around. Have FUN! DearWebby    Thanks to Roland for this press release from Lutheran Airlines WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTHERAN AIR IS NOW OPERATING FROM DULUTH AIRPORT YA SHURE, YA BETCHA! DIS IS DA LATEST AIR SERVICE TO SPROUT UP IN MINNYSOTA. ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORT AND SOUT DAKOTA. If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran (Lutheran) Air, da no-frills airline. You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, where flyin is a upliftin experience. Dere is no first class on any Lutran Air flight. Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors! please sit in da rear of da aircraft. Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by free will offering and da plane will not land 'til da budget is met. Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you wit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Air 599. Okay den, listen up. I'm only gonna say dis vonce. In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because we fly right around twenty tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn't bodar with doze liddle masks on da rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair little holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at twenny tousand feets, sort a like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it. In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against us," which isn't right, but what can you do? Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is seat of da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mout on da side of your head. We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with da coffee pot up front. Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I am not kiddin! Right now I'll say Grace. "Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and ! let deze gifts to us be blessed. Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Dulut or pretty close. Amen 
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 Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Spoons for an Impromptu Cooling Rack  By NoRulesArt [40 Posts, 12 Comments] This is a great way to cool down a pan from the oven. My husband came up with this - AMAZING! He pulled 4 tablespoons out of the drawer turned them upside down and Voila! An instant rack for cooling. Works great if you don't own wire racks or if you don't have enough. By norulesart from Sunny Florida  ____________________________________________________  
  
 
Thank you Vietnam Vets 
 ____________________________________________________  Thanks to Dianne A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Dang!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" "Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the fence behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I clamp down and say: $20 or off it comes!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up." ___________________________________________________  
 
 This light dance performance is simply incredible! 
 ___________________________________________________ Thanks to Betty for this story: Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm ! wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding! And I'll be there early." 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 ____________________________________________________ Thanks to Cookie for this story: Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summo ned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and was touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chambers, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less, and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made. The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. 
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 Today, on Aug 1, in 1498 Christopher Columbus landed on "Isla Santa" (Venezuela). 1774 Oxygen was isolated from air successfully by chemist Carl Wilhelm and scientist Joseph Priestly. 1834 Slavery was outlawed in the British empire with an emancipation bill. 1873 Andrew S. Hallidie successfully tested a cable car. The design was done for San Francisco, CA. 1893 Shredded wheat was patented by Henry Perky and William Ford. 1894 The first Sino-Japanese War erupted. The dispute was over control of Korea. 1914 Germany declared war on Russia at the beginning of World War I. 1936 Adolf Hitler presided over the Olympic games as they opened in Berlin. 1943 In the Solomon Islands, the U.S. Navy patrol torpedo boat PT-109 sank after being hit by the Japanese destroyer Amagiri. The boat was under the command of Lt. John F. Kennedy. Eleven of the thirteen crew survived. 1944 In Warsaw, Poland, an uprising by Jews against Nazi occupation began. The revolt continued until October 2 when the Jewish forces surrendered. 1946 In the U.S., the Atomic Energy Commission was established. 1957 The North American Air Defense Command (NORAD) was created by the United States and Canada. 1973 The movie "American Graffiti" opened. 1975 The Helsinki accords pledged the signatory nations to respect human rights. 1995 Westinghouse Electric Corporation announced a deal to buy CBS for $5.4 billion. 2006 Cuban leader Fidel Castro turned over absolute power when he gave his brother Raul authority while he underwent an intestinal surgery. 2017 Do smiled.

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