Good Morning, Do, Today is Saturday, May 5 Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Naked, masturbating Virginia man found stuck in fence near elementary school Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, May 5 in 1865 The Thirteenth Amendment was ratified, abolishing slavery in the U.S. See More of what happened on this day in history.
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 ______________________________________________________ Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy. --- Nora Ephron Look wise, say nothing, and grunt. Speech was given to conceal thought. --- Sir William Osler _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!  ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Martin for this report: The following are real statements found on insurance claim forms. Drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident succinctly. * Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. * I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it. * The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. * The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. * I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law and headed over the embankment. * In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. * I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car. * The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end. * I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows. * The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. * I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. * I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. * As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. * My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. * An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. * I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull. * I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him. * The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him. _____________________________________________________   ______________________________________________________   I'm ready! _____________________________________________________ 
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 _____________________________________________________ Thanks to Chuck for this story: I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild game. So much, in fact, that one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my ten-year-old daughter looked up and said, "Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods." _______________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Justin James Rutley, 30 Rappahannock, Virginia  Naked, masturbating Virginia man found stuck in fence near elementary school  A Virginia man arrested near an elementary school was naked and stuck in a fence at the time of his arrest, according to the Stafford County Sheriff's Office. Justin James Rutley, 30, was charged with indecent exposure, masturbating in public, and disorderly conduct in connection with the April 30th incident near Anne E. Moncure Elementary School, according to WTVR. Deputies were called to the area at about 9:38 that morning when people spotted Rutley stuck in the fence and masturbating near school property, according to deputies. "Upon arrival, the deputy noticed that the suspect's legs were stuck in the fence and he had no clothes on. The suspect was covered head to toe in scratches from the thickets in the area where he was located," Stafford County Sheriff's Office spokesperson Amanda Vicinanzo said. "The deputy helped remove the suspect from the fence and covered him in a blanket." Rutley appeared nervous, according to investigators, and made incoherent statements. Deputies recognized his behavior as being consistent with drug use, Vicinanzo said. "The deputy learned several employees in the school had observed the suspect near the fence," Vicinanzo said. "In addition, one witness came forward to report that he had seen the man masturbating while stuck in the fence." Rutley was jailed at Rappahannock Regional Jail without bond.  
 Tech Support Pits From: Jeannie Re: Extended characters on laptop  Dear Webby, Is there a way to use hot keys/key codes on a laptop without using a separate keyboard? I tried a number pad but that didn't work. Thanks! Jeannie  Dear Jeannie You'll have to hit the NUM-LOCK key first to activate the numeric keypad. Yeah, I know it's a real nuisance on many laptops, even just to find where they hit the silly NUM-LOCK key and what wacko symbol they used for it. Personally, I hate laptop keyboards and always take a regular keyboard along when I travel. Measure your carry-on or suitcase first before you buy a travel keyboard, unless you get one of the flexible indestructible keyboards. That one you can just drape over the laptop right in a normal or backpack carry case, or use as a high fashion shawl. I use a back-pack carry-case for my laptop. It makes running through large airports a lot easier and I am not dragging my knuckles on the floor afterwards. If you are interested in the flexible indestructible keyboard, you can get them from GrandTec at http://www.grandtec.com/vik.htm for $19 - $25 In HTML it's easy, there you can just use , the number and a semi-colon: for example and 169 plus a ; makes the copyright sign Have FUN DearWebby    
 A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter -- have you never seen a kid before?" 
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 A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place. They put up a big bold sign which read: "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!" Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS" 
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 Thanks to Lilly for this story: 10 days after my one-year-old's photo shoot, I returned to the studio to view the pictures on a color monitor. The photographer started describing the merits of each photo, but as he went through the set, he spoke so quickly that I couldn't get a word in as he pressed home his sales pitch. Finally, after we'd seen all 20 poses, he asked me which ones I was most interested in. "None," I replied. "This isn't my child." ____________________________________________________  Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Travel Toiletries Save the travel shampoo and lotions that you get at hotels. If you travel in the future, you will have some travel sized toiletries ready. When you have used up the lotion and shampoo, save the bottles to refill for future trips. Be sure to pack these inside a plastic bag to avoid spills.  Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com  Nowadays, with nosy security, it is better to avoid carrying possibly dangerous liquids like that, unless you are on your own bike or car.  ____________________________________________________  A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; while his hobby was golf. The other night, during a deep sleep, the man yelled, 'Fore!' His wife, also in a deep sleep and not missing a beat, yelled back, 'Four Fifty!'  
The Shirk Report 
 ___________________________________________________ *How Government Works* Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said "someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $2.8 Million over budget, we must cut back overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman. ___________________________________________________ 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
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 Today, May 5 in 1494 Christopher Columbus sighted Jamaica on his second trip to the Western Hemisphere. He named the island Santa Gloria. 1809 Mary Kies was awarded the first patent to go to a woman. It was for technique for weaving straw with silk and thread. 1814 The British attacked the American forces at Ft. Ontario, Oswego, NY. 1834 The first European mainland railway line opened in Belgium. 1862 The Battle of Puebla took place. It is celebrated as Cinco de Mayo Day. The Battle of Puebla (Spanish: Batalla de Puebla) (French: Bataille de Puebla) took place on 5 May 1862, near Puebla City during the Second French intervention in Mexico. The battle ended in a victory for the Mexican Army over the occupying French soldiers. 1865 The Thirteenth Amendment was ratified, abolishing slavery in the U.S. 1891 Music Hall was dedicated in New York City. It was later renamed Carnegie Hall. 1892 The U.S. Congress extended the Geary Chinese Exclusion Act for 10 more years. The act required Chinese in the U.S. to be registered or face deportation. 1901 The first Catholic mass for night workers was held at the Church of St. Andrew in New York City. 1904 The third perfect game of the major leagues was thrown by Cy Young (Boston Red Sox) against the Philadelphia Athletics. It was the first perfect game under modern rules. 1912 Soviet Communist Party newspaper Pravda began publishing. 1916 U.S. Marines invaded the Dominican Republic. 1917 Eugene Jacques Bullard became the first African-American aviator when he earned his flying certificate with the French Air Service. 1925 John T. Scopes, a biology teacher in Dayton, TN, was arrested for teaching Darwin's theory of evolution. 1926 Eisenstein's film "Battleship Potemkin" was shown in Germany for the first time. 1926 Sinclair Lewis refused a 1925 Pulitzer for "Arrowsmith." 1936 Edward Ravenscroft received a patent for the screw-on bottle cap with a pour lip. 1945 The Netherlands and Denmark were liberated from Nazi control. 1945 A Japanese balloon bomb exploded on Gearhart Mountain in Oregon. A pregnant woman and five children were killed. 1955 "Damn Yankees" opened on Broadway. 1955 The Federal Republic of Germany (West Germany) became a sovereign state. 1956 Jim Bailey became the first runner to break the four-minute mile in the U.S. He was clocked at 3:58.5. 1961 Alan Shepard became the first American in space when he made a 15 minute suborbital flight. 1984 The Itaipu Dam opened on the Paran River between Brazil and Paraguay. 1987 The U.S. congressional Iran-Contra hearings opened. 2018 Do smiled. 
 
 

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