Good Morning, Do! Today is Wednesday, May 10 ___________________________________________________ History: Today, May 11 2017, Apple's stock market value exceeded the $500 billion mark. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award: Man pushes wife out of car going 50 mph on Kansas highway _____________________________________________________ Q We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming. --- Wernher von Braun (1912 - 1977) Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. --- Peter De Vries Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories - those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost. --- Russell Baker (1925 - ) ___________________________________________________ The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if we're at the right funeral." ______________________________________________________ Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher; I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week. When Ole found out, he was furious! He stormed back into the unemployment office to find out why his friend and co- worker was collecting twice his pay. The clerk explained that panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor. "What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls it over his head and says.......Yep, diesel fitter!" ______________________________________________________  Rhodochrosite - N'Chwaning II Mine, Kuruman, Kalahari manganese field, Northern Cape Province, South Africa __________________________________________________ Two drunks are sitting at a bar. The first one says, "What's this thing they call a Breathalyzer'?" The second guy says, "It's a bag that can tell how much you drank." The first guy says, "I married one of those things years ago." __________________________________________________ A Catholic boy was bragging to his Jewish friend. "My priest knows more than your rabbi." "Of course he does," said the Jewish boy. "You tell him everything." ___________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________________ Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food & fire area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just watching. Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives working. This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ulti- mately led to television...and later to the remote control. ____________________________________________________ Brotha Steve writes and tells me this is a true story. Recently I was in a restaurant having breakfast. A woman came in and said she needed to get a "to-go order." She said she was in a hurry because she had to get online and talk . . . "to her AOL friends." (She actually said those very words.) She then ordered eggs, potatoes, and toast. When asked if she wanted bacon, she replied, "No, I don't eat pork. But I would like a double order of sausages, please." ___________________________________________________ A philosophy professor, widely noted as being more than casually eccentric, gave a one question final exam after an entire semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was seated and ready, when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One student, however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how this person could have received the highest grade when he had barely written anything. They found his answer consisted of two words: "What chair?" ---------- Guess who THAT student was! ___________________________________________________ From: Lynn Re: Find lost picture Dear Webby, I need to find a picture, that I KNOW I got, somewhere. Due to advanced CRS, I can't remember where I put it to make sure I can find it again. It is Trump's fault, of course ;-) I don't remember the complete file name either, just part of it. So I need a program, that can use Artificial Intelligence, since my natural one has gone away, or a fuzzy search. What have you got? Lynn Dear Dear Lynn Try Search Everything. You get it at https://www.voidtools.com/ It is a truly phatastic program. The only mystery about it is why it is still free. You type in whatever part of the file name you remember, and tell it what it is, picture, document, program, etc. And let it run. It is surprisingly fast and scours your hard drive for anything, that includes the name of your ex or your next or whatever you are searching for. If your machine has just barely enough RAM, exit the program once you have the picture. Especially if you still run with 47 tabs open in Chrome, and music playing, the RAM used by Everything could cause a slow-down. I have used "Search Everything" for many years, and I love it. There is no other program as efficient or fast. Dear Webby ___________________________________________________ Please note that a 3-year-old teacher is needed for pre- school. Experience preferred. There have been some complaints about children running in the corridor between the education annex and the sanctuary. Parents are asked to remind their children to be on their pest behavior. Everyone is excited about the upcoming wedding of Brad and Melody. They are having a "country style" wedding. Everyone is invited to join them as they exchange cows in the church courtyard June 17th. I want to remind the choir and all sinners to be at the park by 4:30 p.m. for warm up and sound checks. The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a covered dish. Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people. Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp. We have a Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for sale, in good running order. We are especially thankful that when Sister Dora was At Death's Door, The Lord and her Doctors Pulled her through. __________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _________________________________________________  Linda ____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD reported by Rock, has been earned by  Man pushes wife out of car going 50 mph on Kansas highway Jeremiah John Bastin 40, Salina, Kansas, USA A husband allegedly pushed his wife out of a speeding car on I- 70 after an argument Sunday afternoon. KSAL reports that 40-year-old Jeremiah John Bastin was arrested following an incident between him and his 28-year-old wife. Police say that Bastin, his wife, and their three children were around one mile east of the Ohio exit on I-70 when Bastin tried to push his wife out of the moving car. The car was traveling around 50 mph at the time of the incident. The woman got stuck on the seatbelt and proceeded to be dragged on the pavement before the car came to a stop. The wife and the couple's two daughters were then left on the side of the highway and Bastin left with their son. He was then arrested a short time later 'without incident' at the family's home in southwest Salina. He is facing charges that could include one count of aggravated battery and two counts of endangering a child Bastin's wife suffered multiple scratches and scrapes, but the daughters were not injured. More charges will be added later. ____________________________________________________ Today, May 11 in 0330, Constantinople, previously the town of Byzantium, was founded. 1573, Henry of Anjou became the first elected king of Poland. 1647, Peter Stuyvesant arrived in New Amsterdam to become governor. 1689, French and English naval battle takes place at Bantry Bay. 1745, French forces defeat an Anglo-Dutch-Hanoverian army at Fontenoy. 1792, The Columbia River was discovered by Captain Robert Gray. 1812, British prime Minster Spencer Perceval was shot by a bankrupt banker in the lobby of the House of Commons. 1816, The American Bible Society was formed in New York City. 1857, Indian mutineers seized Delhi from the British. 1858, Minnesota was admitted as the 32nd U.S. state. 1860, Giuseppe Garibaldi landed at Marsala, Sicily. 1889, Major Joseph Washington Wham takes charge of $28,000 in gold and silver to pay troops at various points in the Arizona Territory. The money was stolen in a train robbery. 1894, Workers at the Pullman Palace Car Company in Illinois went on strike. 1910, Glacier National Park in Montana was established. 1927, The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences was founded. 1935, U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed an executive order that created the Rural Electrification Administration to provide emergency loans. 1934, A severe two-day dust storm stripped the topsoil from the great plains of the U.S. and created a "Dust Bowl." The storm was one of many. 1944, A major offensive was launched by the allied forces in central Italy. 1947, The creation of the tubeless tire was announced by the B.F. Goodrich Company. 1949, Siam changed its name to Thailand. 1960, Israeli soldiers captured Nazi war criminal Adolf Eichmann in Buenos Aires, Argentina. 1967, The siege of Khe Sanh ended. 1973, The espionage trial, the "Pentagon Papers" case, of Daniel Ellsberg and Anthony Russo ended. Judge William M. Byrne dismissed all charges due to government misconduct. 1995, The Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty was extended indefinitely. The treaty limited the spread of nuclear material for military purposes. 1997, In New York, Garry Kasparov, world chess champion, lost his first ever multi-game match. He lost to IBM's chess computer Deep Blue. It was the first time a computer had beaten a world- champion player. 1998, India conducted its first underground nuclear tests, three of them, in 24 years. The tests were in violation of a global ban on nuclear testing. 1998, A French mint produced the first coins of Europe's single currency. The coin is known as the euro. 2000, India's population officially reached 1 billion. 2001, U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft announced his decision to approve a 30-day delay of the execution of convicted Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh. McVeigh had been scheduled to be executed on May 16, 2001. The delay was because the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) had failed to disclose thousands of documents to McVeigh's defense team. (Oklahoma) 2010, David Cameron, at age 43, became Britain's youngest prime minister in nearly 200 years. 2020, Twitter announced that it would add a warning label to any tweet they decided contained disputed or misleading information about the coronavirus. 2023, Do smiled.
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