--- Good Morning, Do! Today is Sunday, June 17 Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: NJ Bank robber dropped the stolen loot Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, June 17 in 1885 The Statue of Liberty arrived in New York City aboard the French ship Isere. More of today in history at HIstory ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ You've achieved success in your field when you don't know whether what you're doing is work or play. --- Warren Beatty (1937 - ) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Three pastors from different congregations were having lunch and sharing experiences and ideas to help each other out with their different fellowships. After several minutes of animated conversation, the first one remarks, "Hey, you know, we've got a serious problem at our church that I want to discuss with you guys." The other two pastors nod and he goes on, "Well, it's bats. We can't seem to get these bats out of our attic. The singing and organ playing wake them up, and they start flapping around. Then when I start to preach, we can still hear them moving around up there and it's really hard for anyone to pay any attention. The kids start to cry and, well, it's starting to really get in the way of a good church service." The second pastor says "Well that's interesting, because we've had the same problem, they won't stay out of our belfry. We've tried ringing the bells at all hours, spraying chemicals, we've even had a couple of exterminator companies out. Nothing's worked yet." He throws up his hands in exasperation and shakes his head. The third pastor smiles and nods his head knowingly. "Well, gentlemen. We had that problem a few years ago, and we found a quick solution." he says. The other two pastors look up with hope on their faces, and he goes on, "It was easy. We went up there, got to know 'em a little bit, got 'em baptized and started passing the collection plate to them. Haven't seen 'em since." _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ Dave was talking to his buddy, John, about his love life. "So, John, how's it going with the ladies?" "Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects." "Really?" "Yep," John shook his head sadly, "Whenever I mention sex, they object." ____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Jeffrey Wolfman, 32, Milltown, New Jersey Bank robber dropped the stolen loot on the way out A Milltown man has been charged in connection with Wednesday's robbery of a Somerset County bank, the Somerset County Prosecutor's Office announced Thursday afternoon. Jeffrey Wolfman, 32, was arrested after the robbery at Peapack- Gladstone Bank in Bedminster. Witnesses told police they saw Wolfman on a nearby side street removing an outer layer of clothing. As he did so, they saw money dropping to the ground, according to the prosecutor's office. When police approached Wolfman, more cash dropped out of his clothes, it was stated in a news release. Wolfman had reportedly entered the bank and demanded money from a bank teller before fleeing on foot, according to the prosecutor's office. Wolfman was charged with second-degree robbery and is being held in Somerset County Jail awaiting a detention hearing. Tech Support Pits From: Don Camillo Re: SecurityCenter.FirewallDisableNotify Dear Webby, Could you tell me if I should remove the following: "SecurityCenter.FirewallDisableNotify" I use Search & Destroy and the program asks me to remove that item.... Thank you for your help. Don Camillo Dear Don Don't worry about that. It's just a Windows bug about Windows getting into a snit when you use a better fire wall than the Windows fire wall. Just ignore that. Have FUN DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. Advice to aspiring newsletter writers: 1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects. 2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. 4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. 5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat) 6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration. 7. Be more or less specific. 8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary. 9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies. 10. No sentence fragments. 11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used. 12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 14. One should NEVER generalise. 15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches. 16. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 17. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 19. The passive voice is to be ignored. 20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas. 21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice. 22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them. 23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas. 24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." 25. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly. 26. Puns are for children, not groan readers. 27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 28. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 29. Who needs rhetorical questions? 30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. 31. Eschew obfuscation. And the last one... 32. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Parental Dictionary: Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too. Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside. Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins. Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him. Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it. Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own. Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms. Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it. Show off: A child who is more talented than yours. Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything. Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children. Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies. Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. Verbal: Able to whine in words Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house. Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Grow a Rose Cutting in a Potato By attosa [651 Posts, 3,516 Comments] If you have a rosebush that's doing well and want to grow more from it, or give some as a gift, it's a good idea to propagate a cutting from that bush inside of a potato. Potatoes have a good amount of moisture and nutrients for a new cutting to develop from. Cut a 6 to 8 inch stem from a rose cane that has flowered. Snip at a 45 degree angle with pruning clippers, then snip off any flower heads and hips. Use a screwdriver or drill bit to make a hole in the potato for the stem to go in snuggly. Push the rose stem into the potato, but not all the way through. In a pot or in the ground away from direct sunlight, dig a hole in some good soil and pop in the potato and cutting. Cover with at least 3 inches of soil, making sure the potato is fully covered. Keep the soil moist. After some time, if you gently tug on the cutting and feel resistance, that means its roots have grown and it's time for it to be moved to more direct sunlight. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ | Colorized historical photos. |
___________________________________________________ Two dogs were walking down the street. The one dog says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back." He walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for about a minute, then walks back across the street. The other dog says, "What was that about?" The dog first dog says, "I was just checking my p-mail." ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
Thanks to Dora for this story: One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub, only to find the place packed with young people. At 40+, we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man approached us. "Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I thought. Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, "Hello. Remember me? You taught me in third grade." ____________________________________________________ | Today, June 17 in 0362 Emperor Julian issued an edict banning Christians from teaching in Syria. 1579 Sir Francis Drake claimed San Francisco Bay for England. (California) 1775 The British took Bunker Hill outside of Boston. 1789 The Third Estate in France declared itself a national assembly, and began to frame a constitution. 1799 Napoleon Bonaparte incorporated Italy into his empire. 1837 Charles Goodyear received his first patent. The patent was for a process that made rubber easier to work with. 1848 Austrian General Alfred Windischgratz crushed a Czech uprising in Prague. 1854 The Red Turban revolt broke out in Guangdong, China. 1856 The Republican Party opened its first national convention in Philadelphia. 1861 U.S. President Abraham Lincoln witnessed Dr. Thaddeus Lowe demonstrate the use of a hydrogen balloon. 1872 George M. Hoover began selling whiskey in Dodge City, Kansas. The town had been dry up until this point. 1876 General George Crook's command was attacked and defeated on the Rosebud River by 1,500 Sioux and Cheyenne under the leadership of Crazy Horse. 1879 Thomas Edison received an honorary degree of Doctor of Philosophy from the trustees of Rutgers College in New Brunswick, NJ. 1885 The Statue of Liberty arrived in New York City aboard the French ship Isere. 1912 The German Zeppelin SZ 111 burned in its hangar in Friedrichshafen. 1913 U.S. Marines set sail from San Diego to protect American interests in Mexico. 1917 The Russian Duma met in a secret session in Petrograd and voted for an immediate Russian offensive against the German Army. (World War I) 1924 The Fascist militia marched into Rome. 1926 Spain threatened to quit the League of Nations if Germany was allowed to join. 1928 Amelia Earhart began the flight that made her the first woman to successfully fly across the Atlantic Ocean. 1930 The Smoot-Hawley Tariff Bill became law. It placed the highest tariff on imports to the U.S. 1931 British authorities in China arrested Indochinese Communist leader Ho Chi Minh. 1932 The U.S. Senate defeated the bonus bill as 10,000 veterans massed around the Capitol. 1940 The Soviet Union occupied Lithuania, Latvia, and Estonia. 1940 France asked Germany for terms of surrender in World War II. 1941 WNBT-TV in New York City, NY, was granted the first construction permit to operate a commercial TV station in the U.S. 1942 Yank, a weekly magazine for the U.S. armed services, began publication. The term "G.I. Joe" was first used in a comic strip by Dave Breger. 1944 French troops landed on the island of Elba in the Mediterranean. 1944 The republic of Iceland was established. 1950 Dr. Richard H. Lawler performed the first kidney transplant in a 45-minute operation in Chicago, IL. 1953 Soviet tanks fought thousands of Berlin workers that were rioting against the East German government. 1963 The U.S. Supreme Court banned the required reading of the Lord's prayer and Bible in public schools. 1965 Twenty-seven B-52's hit Viet Cong outposts but lost two planes in South Vietnam. 1970 North Vietnamese troops cut the last operating rail line in Cambodia. 1991 The Parliament of South Africa repealed the Population Registration Act. The act had required that all South Africans be classified by race at birth. 2018 Do smiled. |
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