Good Morning, Do! Today is Saturday, May 14 ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Award 3 men used stolen construction equipment to steal ATMs __________________________________________________ On May 14 in 1948, Prime Minister David Ben-Gurion proclaimed the independent State of Israel as British rule in Palestine came to an end. _____________________________________________________ Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. --- Anthony Burgess (1917 - 1993) We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. --- Walt Kelly (1913 - 1973) A country can be judged by the quality of its proverbs. --- German Proverb ____________________________________________________ "Advice Column About Pregnancy" Part I Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs? A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all. Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant? A. Have sex once a year. Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving? A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant. Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive? A. Then the jig is up. Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this? A. Your therapist. ___________________________________________________ if you can spare a coin, please hit paypal with it! ___________________________________________________ "Advice Column About Pregnancy...." Part II Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A. With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A. If it's the flu, you'll get better. Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true? A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip. Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy? A. Yes, your bladder. Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving? A. Depends on what you're doing with them. Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A. Cause you're fatter then they are. Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A. So what's your question, dip-poop? Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born? A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves. Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor? A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman. Q. What's the difference between a nine- months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold? A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him. ____________________________________________________   A lake in AZ. Due to galloping Bidenitis, I forgot the name. If you remember, please tell me! ___________________________________________________ Arnold: "Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row..." Psychiatrist: "Hold it, Arnold. That doesn't sound so terrible." Arnold: "Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end." ____________________________________________________ A chief and an admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves-- the barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a horehouse smells like." ___________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Patrick Intintoli, 41, Brian Groce, 53, Mark Bryant, 57 Mesa, Arizona, USA  3 men used stolen construction equipment to steal ATMs  Police have arrested three men accused of using stolen construction equipment to steal ATM machines throughout the Valley. Mesa Police say they have been investigating a series of burglaries dating back to last November where the suspects would use stolen construction equipment to forcibly remove ATMs or safes from Valley businesses. The stolen construction equipment used in the robberies would be left at the scene, and the stolen ATMs and safes were found dumped at different locations. Detectives have been investigating at least three incidents that had similar circumstances, and in one of the robberies, video surveillance from the scene showed a suspect wearing black and white gloves. DNA analyzed from gloves found at one scene matched 41-year-old Patrick Intintoli. "Detectives were able to get a warrant that showed Intintoli's phone at three crime scenes, two in Mesa and one in Tempe," police said in a news release. Detectives learned Intintoli had a prior conviction for stealing an ATM with a forklift in 2006. On May 5, officers were watching Intintoli when they saw him, 57-year-old Mark Bryant and 53-year-old Brian Groce leave a home in Mesa in two separate cars. "Officers followed where they witnessed the three of them steal a trailer from a parking lot and hook it up to their vehicle," police said. The men then drove to a construction site where they allegedly stole a Caterpillar tractor. "All three then drove to a credit union in Pinal County where they used the tractor to remove an ATM from the ground and place it into the stolen trailer," police said. The stolen tractor was left at the scene and the suspect returned to the same home in Mesa with the stolen trailer and ATM. Officers say they next saw Groce going to a Home Depot where he bought a saw and high-end cutting blades. When Groce returned to the Mesa home, he was taken into custody, along with Intintoli. Bryant was located at another home nearby and taken into custody. Both the stolen trailer and ATM were recovered by police. The three men were arrested and booked into jail. Police say they are working with other Valley law enforcement agencies to determine if the suspects are tied to similar crimes.  ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________  DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Jackie Re: What to do with forwarding requests Dear Webby I keep getting all kinds of silly requests to forward stuff or post on my page, anything from prayers to health related stuff. What should I do with that? The problem is, some of that is from otherwise good people or work colleagues, that I can't block. Jackie  Dear Jackie Make a list of their addresses, then put them all into your address book uner one common "Nickname", for example "Ninnie". When you put "Ninnie" into the BCC, the email program will expand all those addresses. Now forward all those silly forwarding requests to ninnie@yahoo.com, and BCC them to Ninnie. All 175 ninnies will get that prayer request or whatever. Of course, also change the FROM address. Eventually they will realize how silly they have been and will stop doing that. Have FUN! DearWebby ______________________________________________________ At one job my boss wanted a "Clean Desk" policy, so he sent a memo saying that any paperwork left on desks would be removed at night and we would have to fill out a form to get it back. So we left all our trash paper on our desks every night. In a week, the boss had an office full of trash, nobody filled out a retrieval form, and we never heard about the policy again. 
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 _____________________________________________ An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo, where he found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. At noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. "What are those drums?" asked the anthropologist, knowing he was in cannibal country. The guide turned to him and said "No worry. Drums OK, but very bad when they stop. "They both went ghostly pale when the drums suddenly stopped. The guide crouched in the belly of the canoe and covered his ears. "Do as I do! Very important!" intoned the guide with great urgency. "Why? What does this mean?" asked the panicked anthropologist. "Drums stop! Next come violin solo!" ______________________________________________ A company was encountering so many errors, they were thinking of buying a computer to blame them on. ______________________________________________ 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh Marie," she said to her maid, "I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary." "I don't believe it for one minute." Marie snapped. "You're just saying that to make me jealous." ___________________________________________________  
 Today, May 14, in 1264, King Henry III was captured by his brother in law Simon deMontfort at the Battle of Lewes in France. 1509, In the Battle of Agnadello, French defeated Venitians in Northern Italy. 1607, An expedition led by Captain Christopher Newport went ashore at Jamestown, Virginia. The group had arrived at the location the day before. This became the first permanent English colony in America. 1610, French King Henri IV (Henri de Navarre) was assassinated by a fanatical monk, Franois Ravillac. 1643, Louis XIV became King of France at age 4 upon the death of his father, Louis XIII. 1787, Delegates began gathering in Philadelphia for a convention to draw up the U.S. Constitution. 1796, The first smallpox vaccination was given by Edward Jenner. 1804, William Clark set off the famous expedition from Camp Dubois. A few days later, in St. Louis, Meriwether Lewis joined the group. The group was known as the "Corps of Discovery." 1811, Paraguay gained independence from Spain. 1853, Gail Borden applied for a patent for condensed milk. 1862, The chronograph was patented by Adolphe Nicole. 1874, McGill University and Harvard met at Cambridge, MA, for the first college football game to charge admission. 1878, The name Vaseline was registered by Robert A. Chesebrough. 1879, Thomas Edison incorporated the Edison Telephone Company of Europe. 1897, "The Stars and Stripes Forever" by John Phillip Sousa was performed for the first time. It was at a ceremony where a statue of George Washington was unveiled. 1897, Guglielmo Marconi made the first communication by wireless telegraph. 1913, The Rockefeller Foundation was created by John D. Rockefeller with a gift of $100,000,000. 1935, The Philippines ratified an independence agreement. 1940, The Netherlands surrendered to Nazi Germany. 1942, The Women's Auxiliary Army Corps (WAAC) was established by an act of the U.S. Congress. 1942, "Lincoln Portrait" by Aaron Copland was performed for the first time by the Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra. 1942, The British, while retreating from Burma, reached India. 1948, Prime Minister David Ben-Gurion proclaimed the independent State of Israel as British rule in Palestine came to an end. 1955, The Warsaw Pact, a Eastern European mutual-defense treaty, was signed in Poland by eight communist bloc countries including the Soviet Union. 1961, A bus carrying Freedom Riders was bombed and burned in Alabama. 1967, Mickey Mantle hit his 500th homerun. 1969, Jacqueline Susanns second novel, "The Love Machine," was published by Simon and Schuster. 1973, Skylab One was launched into orbit around Earth as the first U.S. manned space station. 1975, U.S. forces raided the Cambodian island of Koh Tang and recaptured the American merchant ship Mayaguez. All 40 crew members were released safely by Cambodia. About 40 U.S. servicemen were killed in the military operation. 1985, Ray Kroc's first McDonald's restaurant became the first fast-food business museum. It is located in Des Plaines, Illinois. 1988, In the Andean village of Cayara, Peru's military was involved in a massacre of at least 26 peasants. 1992, Former Soviet President Mikhail S. Gorbachev addressed members of the U.S. Congress, appealing to them to pass a bill to aid the people of the former Soviet Union. 1996, A tornado hit 80 villages in nothern Bangladesh. More than 440 people were killed. 1998, The Associated Press marked its 150th anniversary. 1999, North Korea returned the remains of six U.S. soldiers that had been killed during the Korean War. 2022 Do smiled. 

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

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