Good Morning, Do! Today is Thursday, February 20 ___________________________________________________ Today, February 20 in 1962 - John Glenn made space history when he orbited the world three times in 4 hours, 55 minutes. He was the first American to orbit the Earth. He was aboard the Friendship 7 Mercury capsule. Glenn witnessed the Devil's Cigarette Lighter while in flight. ______________________________________________________ A lie told often enough becomes the truth. --- Lenin (1870 - 1924) --- Nancy Pelosi (1940 - ) ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Today's Bonehead Award: __________________________________________ >From Connie You know you are from the Backwoods when.... * The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse. * You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. * You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. * You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. * Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People." * You think Genitalia is an Italian airline. * You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. * Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!" * You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.' * You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. * Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan * You go to your family reunion looking for a date. * Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. * You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines." * You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. * You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures. * The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it. * You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. * One of your kids was born on a pool table. * Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade. * You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. * You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard. * Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it. * You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school. * You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. * Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos." * Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. __________________________________________ Thanks to Jean for sending me this picture: __________________________________________ Make love, not war.-Hell, do both, get married! ___________________________________________________ Reported by Helen An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Florida man gets naked to escape DeLand store; ribeyes fall out of his pants. Gets tased. Stefan Short, 28, DeLand, Florida Witnesses reported to police that in an attempt to get away, the suspect wriggled out of his clothes and got naked as meat packs began to fall out of his pants. A shoplifter trying to get away from a DeLand store stripped naked and steaks tumbled out of his pants, police said. Police found a Witnesses reported to police that in an attempt to get away, the suspect wriggled out of his clothes and got naked as meat packs began to fall out of his pants., running out of the store in the buff, and when he refused to stop officers shot him with a Taser, a report states. The incident occurred around 7:19 p.m. Friday at the Save-A-Lot, 939 N. Woodland Blvd., DeLand police said. [READ MORE: DeLand Wal-Mart employee recognizes shoplifter as wanted bank robber, police say] Officers were dispatched to the store and told that Short was being pinned to the ground by a manager and a civilian but that he was fighting them, the report said. Witnesses reported to police that in an attempt to get away, Short wriggled out of his clothes. Police said Short stole four packs of ribeye steaks valued at $41.24. Short was charged with resisting an officer without violence, resisting a store employee while committing a theft and first-degree petty theft. He remained held without bail Monday at the Volusia County Branch Jail. An officer arriving at the store saw coupon books and packs of meat scattered on the stores floor and a naked Short running, a report states. The store manager reported that Short was a regular shoplifter at the store and when other shoppers reported they saw him stuffing meat in his pants, the manager stopped him, investigators said. Short was taken to the hospital after it was discovered that a Taser prong struck him in the genitals, a report states. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Linda Re: Help Requests Dear Webby Do you get the help requests evenly throughout the year, or does the moon have an influence? Linda Dear Linda Definitely NOT even. Sometimes I get a dozen in one day, and other times none for a few days. The moon might have something to do with it, but so far I have never checked how the busy or dead periods coincide with the moon. Have FUN! DearWebby | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
____________________________________________________ | | Monkeys in a Zoo Can Sharpen Stones to Break the Glass and Run Away |
_____________________________________________ WOMAN SPEAK Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I'm sorry = You'll be sorry. We need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later. We need to talk = I need to complain I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron You're... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Our kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. We need new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good movie on TV Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead. MAN SPEAK I'm hungry = I'm hungry. I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy. I'm tired = I'm tired. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you May I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. Nice dress = Deep cleavage/high hemline What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this. What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question. What's wrong? = I guess we are not having s......... I'm bored = Do you want to have sex or something? I love you = Let's have sex now. I love you, too = Okay, I said it... we had better have sex now I already said I love You. = That waitress is really cute and friendly Let's talk = I am a deep person, maybe you'd like to have sex with me. I said, "Lets talk." = I wounder if our waitress enjoys sex? Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. (While shopping) I like that one better = Pick any damn dress and let's go home. _____________________________________________ Sam and Greg were having a beer at the neighborhood bar. "What's the matter?" asked Sam of his buddy. "You look kind of down." "My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin." "Why's that?" "Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster." ____________________________________________ Daffynitions! Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly. Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry. Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species. Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex. Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding. Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world. Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit. Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep. Reignition: The silly act of trying to restart a car whose engine is already running. Audioptics: Turning the car radio down when looking for an address in an unknown neighborhood. Pedalthermic: The ability to adjust the hot water tap with your toes in the bath. Faecalish grin: The distortion of the face after stepping on hot dog poo while barefoot. ____________________________________________ | No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ | Today February 20 in 1673 - The first recorded wine auction took place in London. 1809 - The U.S. Supreme Court ruled the power of the federal government was greater than that of any individual state. They were soon o erruled. 1815 - The USS Constitution, under Captain Charles Stewart fought the British ships Cyane and Levant. The Constitution captures both, but lost the Levant after encountering a British squadron. The Constitution and the Cyane returned to New York safely on May 15, 1815. The Cyane was purchased and became the USS Cyane. 1839 - The U.S. Congress prohibited dueling in the District of Columbia. 1872 - Luther Crowell received a patent for a machine that manufactured paper bags. 1872 - Silas Noble and J.P. Cooley patented the toothpick manufacturing machine. 1921 - The motion picture "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" was released starring Rudolph Valentino. 1931 - The U.S. Congress allowed California to build the Oakland Bay Bridge. 1933 - The U.S. House of Representatives completed congressional action on the amendment to repeal Prohibition. 1944 - "Big Week" began as U.S. bombers began raiding German aircraft manufacturing centers during World War II. 1962 - John Glenn made space history when he orbited the world three times in 4 hours, 55 minutes. He was the first American to orbit the Earth. He was aboard the Friendship 7 Mercury capsule. Glenn witnessed the Devil's Cigarette Lighter while in flight. 1965 - Ranger 8 crashed on the moon after sending back thousands of pictures of its surface. 1987 - A bomb exploded in a computer store in Salt Lake City, UT. The blast was blamed on the Unabomber. 1993 - Two ten-year-old boys were charged by police in Liverpool, England, in the abduction and death of a toddler. The two boys were later convicted. 1998 - American Tara Lipinski, at age 15, became the youngest gold medalist in winter Olympics history when she won the ladies' figure skating title at Nagano, Japan. 2001 - FBI Agent Robert Phillip Hanssen was arrested and charged with spying for the Russians for 15 years. 2002 - In Reqa Al-Gharbiya, Egypt, a fire raced through a train killing at least 370 people and injuring at least 65. 2003 - In West Warwick, RI, 100 people were killed and more than 230 were injured when fire destroyed the nightclub The Station. The fire started with sparks from a pyrotechnic display being used by Jack Russel's Great White. Ty Longley, guitarist for the band, was one of the victims in the fire. 2008 - The U.S. Navy destroyed an inoperable spy satellite with a missile from the USS Lake Erie. 2020 Do smiled. |
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