Good Morning, Do! Today is Sunday, August 21, 2022 Thank you, Richard!! ___________________________________________________ History on this day, August 21, in 1997. Hudson Foods Inc. closed a plant in Nebraska after it had recalled 25 million pounds of ground beef that was potentially contaminated with E. coli 01557:H7. It was the largest food recall in U.S. history. ____________________________________________________ International Bonehead Award Set Car On Fire, Shot At Owner When She Walked Outside To Investigate, _________________________________________________ There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice. --- Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) If there were no God, there would be no Atheists. --- G. K. Chesterton (1874 - 1936) Aristotle was famous for knowing everything. He taught that the brain exists merely to cool the blood and is not involved in the process of thinking. This is true only of certain persons. --- Will Cuppy __________________________________________________ A sweet young lady thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex. "19 56," was his immediate reply. "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you need to get out more." "I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch. "It's only 20 14 now." __________________________________________________ You Might be a Demo if: You feel Fidelity means not cheating on your mistress. You cry every May 4th over the four people killed at Kent State, but have never been to the Vietnam Memorial, You think those stupid ribbons actually accomplish something, You think a mother has a right to kill an innocent 5 month fetus because her pregnancy would interfere with her career, but feel we shouldn't put to death the man who raped and murdered 14 women, You feel that being convicted of treason is an infringement on your first amendment rights, You honestly feel that alcoholics deserve social security disability benefits, You outwardly said "I would have voted for Elizabeth Dole" knowing darn well you wouldn't have because she is a Republican, You think it is ok for a Democrat President to commit perjury on his sex life, but criticize Dan Quayle for spelling potato/potatoe wrong, You stood on a soapbox demanding that Anita Hill be heard, but want Paula Jones' accusations to be swept under the rug, You think the guy who drops out of High School and builds your jeep deserves more money than the doctor who went to college for 10 years and saves your kids life, You sang along to "Give Peace a Chance" during the Gulf War, You've filed for unemployment within two weeks of getting out of high school. ___________________________________________________   __________________________________________________  Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Herbert Rembert, Delray Beach, Florida, USA.  Set Car On Fire, Shot At Owner When She Walked Outside To Investigate,  The Palm Beach County Sheriffs Office tells BocaNewsNow.com that Herbert Rembert is the man they say set a womans car on fire in her carport, then opened fire on her when she walked outside to investigate. The woman was shot in the back and remains hospitalized. The incident occurred August 15th. Rembert was identified as the suspect a short time later and apprehended on August 16th. The specifics of his arrest were just made public. Rembert lives in the 14100 block of Pacific Pointe Place in Delray Beach. He is now charged with: attempted homicide while engaged in arson, weapon offense shooting into a dwelling, possession of a weapon by a convicted Florida felon, first degree arson, carrying a concealed weapon, and another charge of possession of a weapon by a felon. The shooting location was South Four Season Road in unincorporated Palm Beach Gardens. He was booked into the Palm Beach County Jail where he remains held on $102,000 bond. _____________________________________________________   __________________________________________________ >From Connie How to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lesson Aig - what a hen lays Aints - He's got aints in his paints Paints - what cha put on your laigs of a mornin Arn - Ma's tard of arnin Bag - He bagged her to marry him Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won. Bub - the light bub burned out Cheer - what you set in Crick - a small stream Clum - he sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon Chiny - country over in Asia Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes Core - He got hisself a new Ford core Cyow - Animal on Farm Deppity - He helps out the shurf Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt Dainz - Satidy night social Ellum - A graceful tree Fanger - what you put your rang on Faince - Whats round the hawg lot Far - what get the brandin arn hot Furred - He got furred from his job Flar - a rose is a purdy flar Frash - them aigs ain't frash Furiners - All non-'bamans Further - hits ten miles further to town Grain - She was grain with envy Hail - where bad folks go Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n Hilbilly - People in the next county Hollar - whats between the hills Hard- got a brend new hard hand Tar - his core blew a tar Laymun - a sour fruit Laig - Most folks have two of them Lather - what you climb up Liberry - where you go to check out books for larnin Mailk - what you get from cyows Mere - what you see your self in Minners - Live bait Misrus - Married Woman Nar - Opposite of wide Nayk - Your head sets on it Nup - NO Orrel - Them hinges need orrel Ormy - What the sojers go in Pank - a light red color Parch - sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow Petition - What separate the rooms Poke - a paper bag or sack Pokey - what the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in Poke Salit -a green vegetable Puppet - what the preacher is in Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher Purt near - almost; he purt near caught that greased pig Rang - you wear it on your fanger Rut - that there tree sure has long ruts Rah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town Rainch - A big cow farm Rat - Do it rat now! Rench - rench the soap yourself Roont - She plum roont her shoes Salary - A stringy vegetable Soardeens - small canned fish Shar - A light rain Gully Worsher - a medium heavy rain Toad strangler - A heavy rain Sody Pop - a soft drink Sprang - Water out'n the ground Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail Storch - this here aprn has to much storch in it Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart Tho -tho me the ball Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat War - a bobbed war fance Worsh - go worsh your face Warter - what you worsh your face in Yurp - a continent overseas WARNING TO OZ PEOPLE: DON'T EVEN TRY TO TALK LIKE THIS. WE WILL ALL HAVE TO LAUGH, AND THEN OUR MOTHERS WILL PINCH US UNDER THE TABLE AND OFFER YOU ANOTHER PIECE OF PIE TO KEEP YOU QUIET SO WE WON'T DISGRACE THE FAMILY BY GOING INTO CONVULSIONS. ___________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits  From: Leona RE: HELP! GMAIL IS FULL Dear Webby, My Gmail is full and locked! Probably all that electioneering crap with videos with political know-it-alls blatering about their politicians, which I never watch anyway. How do I dump enough of that crap without losing good stuff? Leona  Dear Leona There is a top secret, "undocumented" trick: size They don't want the unwashed masses and real workers to know about that, they want you to buy extra space, so they reserve that for the tens of thousands of college kids employed by Google. Well, rather than pay back the money borowed during seven years of beer and dope at college, one of them told the secret to her mother. Go up to the search bar, and type: size:10MB That will list all the stuff that is over 10 MB in size. Click the select-all square at the left top, then hit DELETE. They are gone. Well, almost. Gmail does not let go of political crap THAT easily! That stuff has just been moved to TRASH. Select TRASH on the left, and there, on top of all that, you have the option to dump all the trash. Also dump all the spam. Now scoot all the way down and see the size number. 1.7 GB used out of the allowed 15 GB Yee-Haaaw! That deserves a GOOD coffee! HaveFUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________________ >From Connie A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner. Her husband teased her and said she would never be able to stay away from the other half until dinner the next night. The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would rub it in. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!" ___________________________________________________ The following were answers provided by 6th graders during a history test. Watch the spelling! Some of the best humor is in the misspelling. 1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients . Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada. 3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. 4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a lesbian moth. 5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. 6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. 7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus." 8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. 9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "Hurrah". 10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. 11. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100- foot clipper. 12. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet. 13. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. _____________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! ____________________________________________________ Ophelia Dingbatter's News No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt- in confirmation request. ____________________________________________________  Today, August 21, in 1680. The Pueblo Indians drove the Spanish out and took possession of Santa Fe, NM. 1831. Nat Turner, a former slave, led a violent insurrection in Virginia. He was later executed. 1841. A patent for venetian blinds was issued to John Hampton. 1878. The American Bar Association was formed by a group of lawyers, judges and law professors in Saratoga, NY. 1888. The adding machine was patented by William Burroughs. 1912. Arthur R. Eldred became the first American boy to become an Eagle Scout. It is the highest rank in the Boy Scouts of America. 1923. In Kalamazoo, Michigan, an ordinance was passed forbidding dancers from gazing into the eyes of their partner. 1943. Japan evacuated the Aleutian island of Kiaska. Kiaska had been the last North American foothold held by the Japanese. 1945. U.S. President Truman ended the Lend-Lease program that had shipped about $50 billion in aid to America's Allies during World War II. 1959. Hawaii became the 50th state. U.S. President Eisenhower also issued the order for the 50 star flag. 1963. In South Vietnam, martial law was declared. Army troops and police began to crackdown on the Buddhist anti- government protesters. 1989. Voyager 2, a U.S. space probe, got close to the Neptune moon called Triton. 1991. The hard-line coup against Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev ended. The uprising that led to the collapse was led by Russian federation President Boris Yeltsin. 1993. NASA lost contact with the Mars Observer spacecraft. The fate of the spacecraft was unknown. The mission cost $980 million. 1994. Ernesto Zedillo won the Mexican presidential election. 1996. The Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act of 1996 was signed by U.S. President Clinton. The act made it easier to obtain and keep health insurance. 1997. Hudson Foods Inc. closed a plant in Nebraska after it had recalled 25 million pounds of ground beef that was potentially contaminated with E. coli 01557:H7. It was the largest food recall in U.S. history. 1997. Afghanistan suspended its embassy operations in the United States. 2002. In Pakistan, President General Pervez Musharraf unilaterally amended the Pakistani constitution. He extended his term in office and granted himself powers that included the right to dissolve parliament. 2003. In Ghana, businessman Gyude Bryant was selected to oversee the two-year power-sharing accord between Liberia's rebels and the government. The accord was planned to guide the country out of 14 years of civil war. 2022 Do! smiled.