Good Morning, Do! Today is Tuesday, November 9 ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Today's Bonehead Award: Money, drugs, assault rifle with grenade launcher attached seized by Phoenix Police ___________________________________________________ Today, November 9 in 1911 George Claude of Paris, France, applied for a patent on neon advertising signs. ____________________________________________________ Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions. --- Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809 - 1894) Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it. --- Michel de Montaigne ____________________________________________________ Bill Gates dies and for some reason goes to hell. Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been greedy all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever. Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Asmodeus.. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Asmodeus. "Why did you give him the best place of all!" "That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it!" "What about the PC?" asked Asmodeus. "It's got Windows 10!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys," "Which keys?" "Control, Alt and Delete!" ____________________________________________________  ____________________________________________________ I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, "Dad, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy." Taking a deep breath, I asked him, "What is that?" He replied, "They're all nocturnal." ____________________________________________________ Reported by Rock  An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Hector Vega, 20, Phoenix, Arizona, USA Money, drugs, assault rifle with grenade launcher attached seized by Phoenix Police After a month-long investigation, Phoenix Police say drugs, thousands of dollars, guns and a grenade launcher were seized in a drug bust on Nov. 3. Police say, Hector Vega, 20, was arrested in connection to the drug bust near 67th Avenue Pinnacle Peak Road. He was booked into jail on suspicion of drug offenses and being in possession of weapons and explosives. The following items were seized: 75,463 M30 pills, $425,000 street value $30,000 in cash Three assault rifles, one had a grenade launcher attached A handgun ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________ From: Bill Re: Gout Dear Webby Years ago you mentioned that you got Gout, and that your doctor told you to massage it and learn to live with it, but that he was no help, so you got your help elsewhere. Well, same story as most subscribers, at that time I did not need the answer, so I did not save it. Can you PLEASE tell us again? Bill Dear Bill Your doctor is partially right. Gout is forever. You can stop it from expanding, and you can eliminate the pain, but it will never completely disappear until your rejuvenation or a body transplant. What does help is cherry concentrate from the VitaminShop. Cheap and incredibly FAST! That stops it quickly and prevents it from expanding to other fingers or whatever. Then you also need Allopurinol from a pharmacy. SOME pharmacies require a prescripion. Just tell your doctor, that you NEED Allopurinol to keep you from getting violent right there and destroying his furniture. Gout can do that, ya know. Allopurinol is a medicine used to lower levels of uric acid in your blood. If you produce too much uric acid or your kidneys do not filter enough out, it can build up and cause tiny, sharp crystals to form in and around your joints. Allopurinol is used to treat gout and kidney stones. It does not act instantly, within 12 feet of the pharmacy. Give it a few days to dissolve the uric acid crystals, and do use the affected joints and massage them frequently. And do continue the cherry concentrate. It definitelt helps! Have FUN! DearWebby
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_____________________________________________ A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see his doctor. The doctor asked him all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when the veterinarian interrupted him, saying, "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, looked him up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to him and said, "There you are. Of course, if *that* doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down." ______________________________________________ The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock. The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said. "It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling." ______________________________________________  Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
"I just hope it's not Alzheimer's," confessed the gentleman to his doctor. "Maybe there's some kind of memory medicine you can give me. See, I'm getting terribly forgetful; I lose track of where I'm going or what I'm supposed to do when I get there. What should I do?" he asked glumly. "Pay me in advance," the doctor promptly suggested. ___________________________________________________ Today, November 9, in 1857 The "Atlantic Monthly" first appeared on newsstands and featured the first installment of "The Autocrat of the Breakfast Table" by Oliver Wendell Holmes. 1872 A fire destroyed about 800 buildings in Boston, MA. 1906 U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt left for Panama to see the progress on the new canal. It was the first foreign trip by a U.S. president. 1911 George Claude of Paris, France, applied for a patent on neon advertising signs. 1918 Germany's Kaiser Wilhelm II announced he would abdicate. He then fled to the Netherlands. 1923 In Munich, the Beer Hall Putsch was crushed by German troops that were loyal to the democratic government. The event began the evening before when Adolf Hitler took control of a beer hall full of Bavarian government leaders at gunpoint. 1935 United Mine Workers president John L. Lewis and other labor leaders formed the Committee for Industrial Organization. 1938 Nazi troops and sympathizers destroyed and looted 7,500 Jewish businesses, burned 267 synagogues, killed 91 Jews, and rounded up over 25,000 Jewish men in an event that became known as Kristallnacht. 1961 Major Robert White flew an X-15 rocket plane at a world record speed of 4,093 mph. 1961 The Professional Golfer's Association (PGA) eliminated its "caucasians only" rule. 1963 In Japan, about 450 miners were killed in a coal-dust explosion. 1963 In Japan, 160 people died in a train crash. 1965 The great Northeast blackout occurred as several states and parts of Canada were hit by a series of power failures lasting up to 13 1/2 hours. 1967 A Saturn V rocket carrying an unmanned Apollo spacecraft blasted off from Cape Kennedy on a successful test flight. 1976 The U.N. General Assembly approved ten resolutions condemning the apartheid government in South Africa. 1979 The United Nations Security Council unanimously called upon Iran to release all American hostages "without delay." Militants, mostly students had taken 63 Americans hostage at the U.S. embassy in Tehran, Iran, on November 4. 1981 U.S. troops began arriving in Egypt for a three-week Rapid Deployment Force excercise. Somalia, Sudan and Oman were also involved in the operation. 1981 The International Monetary Fund approved a $5.8 billion loan to India. It was the highest loan to date. 1982 Sugar Ray Leonard retired from boxing. In 1984 Leonard came out of retirement to fight one more time before becoming a boxing commentator for NBC. 1984 A bronze statue titled "Three Servicemen," by Frederick Hart, was unveiled at the site of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in Washington, DC. 1989 Communist East Germany opened its borders, allowing its citizens to travel freely to West Germany. 1990 Soviet President Mikhail S. Gorbachev signed a non- aggression treaty with Germany. 1992 Russian President Boris Yeltsin, visiting London, appealed for assistance in rescheduling his country's debt, and asked British businesses to invest. 1998 A federal judge in New York approved the richest antitrust settlement in U.S. history. A leading brokerage firm was ordered to pay $1.03 billion to investors who had sued over price-rigging of Nasdaq stocks. 1998 PBS aired its documentary special "Chihuly Over Venice." 2004 U.S. First Lady Laura Bush officially reopened Pennsylvania Avenue in front of the White House to pedestrians. 2021 Do smiled. |
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