Good Morning, Do, Today is Thursday, April 13 It stopped snowing, and it started to melt. Typical April. By the time you read this, I will be on the way to Calgary to get more injections into my eyeballs. Barb, who used to be my secretary, will be driving me, becasue after the injections I can't see the road and traffic. There won't be a Friday, Saturday or Sunday issue of the Humor Letter. Sunday evening I will send out the Monday issue. That will give you time to print out yesterday's Hot Key cheat sheet, and the one from today. That one is a repeat, but quite a few subscriber asked to see it again. Some people write those Hot Keys on a narrow masking tape and stick that to the monitor frame. In the good old days, when keyboards had the function keys on the left, where God had intended them to be for getting work done much faster, we had space above the regular keys, where they put the functions keys now. In those days the bigger programs like Word Perfect, Word Star, Quattro, Word, etc. had cardboard strips with the hot keys printed on them to lay up above the regular keys. You can still make one of those, and just glue it onto the narrow free strip above the functon keys. Have FUN! DerWebby Todays Bonehead Award: Texas massage parlor busted when hundreds of condoms destroy industrial waste disposal unit Details at  Boneheads ______________________________________________________ Today, April 13 in 1775 Lord North extended the New England Restraining Act to South Carolina, Virginia, Pennsylvania, New Jersey and Maryland. The act prohibited trade with any country other than Britain and Ireland. It did not go over well. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ 
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 ______________________________________________________ At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer. --- Socratex The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other. --- Will Rogers _______________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!  ______________________________________________________ The average man's life consists of: twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going; forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering, too! _____________________________________________________   ______________________________________________________ The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $40 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. ______________________________________________________   ______________________________________________________ 
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 ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Walter, The Stonecarver for reporting these boneheads. An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Juan Wang and Joseph Emery Austin, Texas  'Hundreds of condoms' destroy pipe, police raid Texas massage parlor  A husband and wife accused of operating an Austin prostitution ring are facing felony charges following an investigation that began when police discovered a waste pipe connected to the business was clogged with "hundreds of condoms," according to records. Juan Wang and her husband, Joseph Emery, the owners of Jade Massage Therapy LLC, each face a charge of engaging in organized criminal activity. Neither suspect was listed as an inmate at the Travis County Jail on Tuesday afternoon. The investigation into the massage parlor began Feb. 7, when the property manager for the Jade Massage location in the 11400 block of North Ranch Road called police to express her suspicion that prostitution was happening at the business. She "became aware of a problem when an industrial waste disposal unit connecting the property to city sewer services became clogged and destroyed by hundreds of condoms," affidavits for Wang and Emery state. The property manager's tip was the second complaint of possible prostitution at Jade Massage that police had received in three months. After the discovery of the destroyed pipes, police searched Backpage.com, which often solicits prostitution services, for advertisements for the business. They found several. Advertisements for Jade Massage were posted on Backpage.com as often as two to three times per day, the affidavits state. In the following weeks, police staked out Jade Massage's second location in the 9100 block of Anderson Mill Road. Officers pulled over a couple of suspected john's who had gone into the massage parlor, who allegedly both admitted that they had paid for sexual services during their time inside. On March 22, members of the Austin Police Department Human Trafficking Unit and members of the Criminal Conspiracy Unit executed search warrants at the Alameda Trace Circle location. Inside, Wang was found inside a room with a nude man, and another woman was found inside a different room with another nude male, the affidavit states. Police simultaneously executed a search warrant at Wang and Emery's home and discovered over $65,000 in a safe. Further investigation into the couple revealed Wang had been stopped Feb. 5 at Austin Bergstrom International Airport by a TSA agent who found $30,000 in "duct taped bundles" of cash in her possession. She claimed the money was earned from her massage business and that she was taking it with her to China to pay for a medical procedure. She was allowed to pass through with the money, but only after the agent called Emery to verify her story. Both Wang and Emery would later tell police that they didn't know the names of their employees, who were all located and recruited by a "friend." Ledgers for Jade Massage showed no payments to the women, but they did show that Jade Massage's customers, almost all of whom were men, regularly tipped the masseues between $40 and $120 on top of a $60 house charge.  ______________________________________________________  Tech Support Pits From: Connie Re: Old Keyboard shortcuts Dear Webby Yes, I remember seeing your standard keyboard shortcuts, but thought I would remember each of them. Guess what? I didn't. Can you show them again, please? Connie  Dear Connie You are not the only one requesting those. So here they are: The F Keys (Function Keys) have gone more and more out of style ever since some dingbats decided to put them on top, instead of on the left side where God intended them to be for maximum productivity, just so that they can make cubicles narrower. The only common ones that are still surviving are these: F1 is HELP CTRL and F4 together closes a window ALT and F4 together closes a program CTRL and A together selects everything in the open window CTRL and C together copies what you have selected CTRL and V together pastes what you have copied CTRL and INSERT together copies what you have selected SHIFT and INSERT together pastes what you have slected SHIFT and DELETE together copies AND cuts what you have selected CTRL and Z reverses the last action if it was a write or delete, that is the UNdo key CTRL S saves the file you are working on CTRL and ALT and DELETE brings up the System Manager. You use that for changing your password. ALT and the SPACE BAR together open the menu of the program you are in, or Launchy, if you are using it. CTRL and F together is the search for a word in the open window. Some programs use some of the other F keys as well, but not in a world wide consistent manner. The ones I listed are the only ones you need to remember nowadays. There are also some Windows specific keys that use a combination of the Windows key and a letter. The "Windows Key" is the one on the bottom row, that has the Microsoft flag on it. To save space here I'll use *W* for the Windows key *W* Opens the start menu *W* and D minimizes open programs *W* and E opens Explorer at the top, not at some silly location *W* and F opens the file search (computer, not word search in the document you are in) *W* and L careful with this one, it has to do with logging OFF or locking your computer *W* and M "Boss-Alert" key. Closes open windows, but hitting *W* M again does not pop them open again like *W* D does. *W* and R opens the RUN box. *W* R calc opens the calculator *W* and U opens the Utility manager for stuff like the narrator, magnifier, etc. Have FUN! DearWebby    Jane's mother-in-law asked Bob to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. He went and looked around and couldn't find any. So he grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my mother-in-law. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" "The produce guy looked at him and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself." 
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 Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Making Small Amounts of Homemade Bisquick Making Small Amounts of Homemade Bisquick By Judy Pariser S. [133 Posts, 132 Comments] I like to make my own Bisquick because it is more economical, and I can't always use an entire box before the expiration date. A lot of the recipes to make it at home make very large quantities. I was really happy to find this recipe. It makes 1 and 1/2 cups. Total Time: 5 minutes Yield: 1 1/2 cups Ingredients: 1 1/4 cup flour (I used half whole wheat, half all-purpose) 2 tsp baking powder 1/2 tsp salt 1/4 cup oil or shortening Steps: Mix all ingredients together. Any leftovers can be stored in the refrigerator or freezer. Source: The Tightwad Gazette  
  
dog sings while playing piano 
 ____________________________________________________ The middle aged secretary had never been married and had had enough of work, as well as the single life. It was no secret that she was looking to get married. As she came back from her lunch hour with another bag from the drug store, a co-worker said, "In the past 3 weeks you've bought enough birth control pills to last 10 years, energy pills for years, and Lord knows how many condoms. And you don't even have a boyfriend. Whom are you trying to seduce?" She smiled slyly and replied, "The pharmacist, silly." ___________________________________________________  
 
13 of the most isolated places on the planet. 
 A man entered a barbershop and said: "I am tired of looking like everyone else! I want a change! Part my hair from ear to ear!" "Are you sure?" "Yes! said the man. The barber did as he was told, and a satisfied customer left the shop. Three hours passed and the man reentered the shop. "Put it back the way it was," he said. "What's the matter?" said the barber. "Are you tired of being a nonconformist already?" "No," he replied, "I'm tired of people whispering at my nose!" 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's News
 No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 ____________________________________________________ 
 Today, on April 13 1598 King Henry IV of France signed the Edict of Nantes which granted political rights to French Protestant Huguenots. 1759 The French defeated the European allies in Battle of Bergen. 1775 Lord North extended the New England Restraining Act to South Carolina, Virginia, Pennsylvania, New Jersey and Maryland. The act prohibited trade with any country other than Britain and Ireland. It did not go over well. 1796 The first known elephant to arrive in the United States from Bengal, India. 1808 William "Juda" Henry Lane perfected the tap dance. 1829 The English Parliament granted freedom of religion to Catholics. 1849 The Hungarian Republic was proclaimed. 1860 The first mail was delivered via Pony Express when a westbound rider arrived in Sacremento, CA from St. Joseph, MO. 1861 After 34 hours of shelling, the Union-held Fort Sumter surrenders to Confederates. 1916 The first hybrid seed corn was purchased for 15-cents a bushel by Samuel Ramsay. 1933 The first flight over Mount Everest was completed by Lord Clydesdale. 1941 German troops captured Belgrade, Yugoslavia. 1945 After WWII Vienna fell to Soviet troops. 1949 Philip S. Hench and associates announced that cortizone was an effective treatment for rheumatoid arthritis. 1959 A Vatican edict prohibited Roman Catholics from voting for Communists. 1960 The first navigational satellite was launched into Earth's orbit. 1961 The U.N. General Assembly condemned South Africa due to apartheid. 1962 In the U.S., major steel companies rescinded announced price increases. The John F. Kennedy administration had been applying pressure against the price increases. 1970 An oxygen tank exploded on Apollo 13, preventing a planned moon landing. 1976 The U.S. Federal Reserve introduced $2 bicentennial notes. 1979 The world's longest doubles ping-pong match ended after 101 hours. 1984 U.S. President Reagan sent emergency military aid to El Salvador without congressional approval. 1984 Christopher Walker was killed in a fight with police in New Hampshire. Walker was wanted as a suspect in the kidnappings of 11 young women in several states. 1990 The Soviet Union accepted responsibility for the World War II murders of thousands of imprisoned Polish officers in the Katyn Forest. The Soviets had previously blamed the massacre on the Nazis. 1998 NationsBank and BankAmerica announced a $62.5 billion merger, creating the country's first coast-to-coast bank. 1998 Dolly, the world's first cloned sheep, gave natural birth to a healthy baby lamb. 1999 Jack Kervorkian was sentenced in Pontiac, MI, to 10 to 25 years in prison for the second-degree murder of Thomas Youk. Youk's assisted suicide was videotaped and shown on "60 Minutes" in 1998. 2000 It was announced that 69 people had died when the Arlahada, a Philippine ferry, capsized. 70 people were rescued. 2002 Twenty-five Hindus were killed and about 30 were wounded when grenades were thrown by suspected Islamic guerrillas near Jammu-Kashir. 2002 Venezuela's interim president, Pedro Carmona, resigned a day after taking office. Thousands of people protested against the ousting of president Hugo Chavez. 2007 Google announced that it had acquired the advertising service company DoubleClick for $3.1 billion. 2017 Do smiled.
 
 

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