Good Morning, Do! Today is Wednesday, October 6 ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Phoenix drunk driver kills young woman ___________________________________________________ Today, October 6 in 1848 The steamboat SS California left New York Harbor for San Francisco via Cape Horn. The steamboat service arrived on February 28, 1849. The trip took 4 months and 21 days. ____________________________________________________ Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. --- Arthur C. Clarke (1917 - ), Cynics regarded everybody as equally corrupt... Idealists regarded everybody as equally corrupt, except themselves. --- Robert Anton Wilson Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs. --- P.J. O'Rourke ____________________________________________________ If you have a legal gun and want to keep it, check the Guerilla Gun Guide! Already in 24 states they can confiscate your legal guns if you take any prescription medicines, even diabetic medication, that does not make you unstable. ____________________________________________________ These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." They are statements people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters. How did they keep from laughing while these were all taking place? Judge: "Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten? Q: How old is your son, the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played one for 10 years. I even went to school for it. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at? Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male or a female? Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition that I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? A: OK. Q: What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. ____________________________________________________ Susan Bates Near Canmore, a bit North West from here. ____________________________________________________ Rabbi Mendel was one day walking along a very narrow street, when he came face to face with a rival Rabbi. The street was too narrow for the two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily: . . . "I never make way for fools " Smiling, Rabbi Mendel stepped aside and said, . . ."I always do." ____________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Thaila Begaye, 42, Phoenix, Arizona, USA Phoenix drunk driver kills young woman 42-year-old Thaila Begaye was arrested for reportedly rear-ending a woman in a black sedan on Oct. 1 at a central Phoenix intersection. The woman was seriously hurt and soon after died from her injuries. "Officers learned that a black sedan was stopped or slowed on Camelback Road when it was rear ended by a red SUV," read a portion of the statement. Officials say the woman was a passenger in the black sedan. She was taken to the hospital with extremely critical injuries. Her family says she died on Saturday afternoon and she's identified as Adreanna Lee Blaine. "The driver of the red SUV was arrested and processed for impairment," read a portion of the statement. Authorities say 42-year-old Thaila Begaye was arrested and booked for three felony charges related to the collision, including assault and a transportation violation. Police say impairment may have been a factor in the crash. ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________ From: Mia Re: Ex cel Hot Keys Dear Webby, Can I get similar hot keys for Excel? We use it at work. Mia Dear Mia Yes, sure. In the 80s Excel and Quattro were the big spread sheets and they were quite frantically racing even after Microsoft got a herd of lawyers to try to kill Quattro. Any new gimmick that Quattro or Excel came up with, the other one added too and bragged about it in the computer magazines. There was usually at least one update per month, and unlike today's updates, they did not mess up a good thing. Quattro got sold to Word Perfect, which got taken over by Corell Office. You don't hear much about it anymore. Open Office and Office Libre took its place. They have frequent updates to make sure CALC stays ahead of Excel. Like with Quattro in the DOS stone age, the CALC updates don't cause any trouble. They just sneak a new item or two into the top menu. So, yes, Excel has hotkeys too. They are not activated exactly the same, but accomplish the same. Tell me which ones you want, and I will gadly look them up for you. Have FUN! 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_____________________________________________ Some time ago, there was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now. As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work. He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed. The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do." He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps. "Oh darn!!!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick!!! Take all your clothes off." ____________________________________________ A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change. ______________________________________________ Here follows a tale of an accident report form filed by a bricklayer: "I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You ask for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I was working alone on the roof of a six-story building. When I completed my work I found I had some bricks left over which later were found to weigh 240lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135lbs. Needless to say i proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor I met the barrel which was proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep in to the pulley. Fortunately I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly on to the rope. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel . Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50lbs. I refer you again to my weight. I began a rapid descent. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when i fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay in pain on the pile of bricks I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its rapid descent back towards me....." ______________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
A fellow stopped at a petrol station in England and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car drinking his cola and watched two men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole 2 or 3 feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the hole. "Hold it" he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with the digging?" "Well, we're union and we work for the state" one of the men stated. "But one of you digs a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the state's money?" "You don't understand, mister" one of the workers said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally, there's three of us--me, Bubba and Earl. I dig the hole, Bubba sticks in the tree, and Earl here puts the dirt back in the hole. Just 'cause Bubba's sick, that don't mean that Earl and me don't have to work!" ___________________________________________________ | Today, October 6, in 1683 The first Mennonites arrived in America aboard the Concord. The German and Dutch families settled in an area that is now a neighborhood in Philadelphia, PA. 1848 The steamboat SS California left New York Harbor for San Francisco via Cape Horn. The steamboat service arrived on February 28, 1849. The trip took 4 months and 21 days. 1863 The first Turkish bath was opened in Brooklyn, NY, by Dr. Charles Shepard. 1866 The Reno Brothers pulled the first train robbery in America near Seymour, IN. The got away with $10,000. 1880 The National League kicked the Cincinnati Reds out for selling beer. 1884 The Naval War College was established in Newport, RI. 1889 In Paris, the Moulin Rouge opened its doors to the public for the first time. 1889 The Kinescope was exhibited by Thomas Edison. He had patented the moving picture machine in 1887. 1890 Polygamy was outlawed by the Mormon Church. 1928 War-torn China was reunited under the Nationalist leader Chiang Kai-Shek. 1939 Adolf Hitler denied any intention to wage war against Britain and France in an address to Reichstag. 1949 U.S. president Harry Truman signed the Mutual Defense Assistance Act. The act provided $1.3 billion in the form of military aid to NATO countries. 1954 E.L. Lyon became the first male nurse for the U.S. Army. 1961 U.S. president John F. Kennedy advised American families to build or buy bomb shelters to protect them in the event of a nuclear exchange with the Soviet Union. 1973 Egypt and Syria attacked Israel in an attempt to win back territory that had been lost in the third Arab-Israel war. Support for Israel led to a devastating oil embargo against many nations including the U.S. and Great Britain on October 17, 1973. The war lasted 2 weeks. 1979 Pope John Paul II became the first pontiff to visit the White House. 1991 Elizabeth Taylor married Larry Fortensky. The ceremony was held at Michael Jackson's estate near Los Angeles, CA. It was Taylor's 8th marriage and Fortensky's 3rd. 2021 Do smiled. |
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