Good Morning, Do! Today is Thursday, September 20 Have FUN! Dearwebby Today's Bonehead Award:  Ohio woman Charged In Sex Attack On Cabbie  ______________________________________________________ Today, September 20 in 1519 Portuguese navigator Ferdinand Magellan left Spain to find a route to the Spice Islands of Indonesia. Magellan was killed during the trip, but one of his ships eventually made the journey. More of today in history at HIstory ______________________________________________________ 
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 Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. --- George Carlin (1937 - 2008) In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is. --- Chuck Reid ______________________________________________________ I was helping a friend of mine with his roadside farm stand when a man stopped by and asked how much the eggs were. "Sixty cents for the small, seventy cents for the medium, ninety cents for the large and thirty cents for the cracked ones," I answered. "All right," he said, "crack me a dozen of the large ones." ____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!  ______________________________________________________ A waitress became violently ill while at work and was rushed by ambulance to the emergency room. In typical hospital fashion, she was placed on an examining table and then all but ignored for the next half-hour. Finally, she noticed a doctor out in the hall and yelled, "Please help me!" "Sorry," he replied, "it's not my table." _____________________________________________________   ______________________________________________________ For the second time in six weeks a man had fallen off his horse and broken some ribs. Coincidentally, the doctor in the emergency room at the hospital was the same both times. Since there isn't much that can be done for broken ribs, he prescribed a pain killer and sent the man on his way. As the man turned to leave, he jokingly asked, "Is there anything you can recommend for my horse?" The doctor paused and thought for a moment, then said, "If it were me, I'd get another rider." ______________________________________________________   Sunshine Skyway Bridge, Florida _____________________________________________________ 
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 _____________________________________________________ A sad Bassett Hound was relating his troubles to his friend. "I'm really depressed all the time and I think negative thoughts. I'm always bored, I feel listless and I am always tired." "Why not go see a psychiatrist?" suggested the friend. "Well, I would," said the Bassett Hound, "except that I'm not allowed on the couch. ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Crystal Ely, 29, Jacksonville, Florida  Woman arrested after trying to hire hitman to kill husband  A 29-year-old Jacksonville woman was arrested Thursday after police said she attempted to hire someone to kill her husband. According to the Jacksonville Sheriff's Office, a man told police in August that Crystal Ely asked him for help finding someone to murder her husband, and JSO began an undercover operation. Ely unknowingly met with an undercover JSO officer four times in September -- reiterating her desire to have the officer kill her husband in exchange for money. An arrest report states she provided the undercover officer with a picture of her husband, a diagram of the inside of the business she and her husband worked at and instead of money she initially mentioned, she gave him a pair of earrings and two rings as payment. Each meeting was recorded in its entirety, police stated in the report. She was arrested at the fourth meeting on Sept. 13 after giving the officer the jewelry and picture of her husband, one including her family. Ely faces two capital felony crimes: criminal conspiracy and criminal solicitation. Ely, 29, is being held without bond, online jail records show. When found guilty, Ely will likely face up to 30 years in prison. 
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 At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for both herself and her husband. The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together. "Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I *know* what I'm requesting!" 
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 "More trouble for Britney Spears. She was charged with not having a valid California driver's license. You know why Britney didn't have a license here in California? Because she's here legally." --- Jay Leno ___________________________________________________  Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Trash Cans for Sorting Clothing  Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to the room where security temporarily holds suspects. One day security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room. After a few minutes, the door opened and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there, and don't you come out until you're told!" The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the women reported what had happened. Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.  Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com  ____________________________________________________   
  
 
Yakutsk: The coldest city in the world. 
 ___________________________________________________ >From Malcolm Thanks- here's an old one- something to read whilst I nip into BD-John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen." "I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair. ___________________________________________________ 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. He offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful. When the guest finally was able to speak, he gasped, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passed out a sample of it." ____________________________________________________  
 Today, September 20 in 1519 Portuguese navigator Ferdinand Magellan left Spain to find a route to the Spice Islands of Indonesia. Magellan was killed during the trip, but one of his ships eventually made the journey. 1870 The Papal States came under the control of Italian troops, leading to the unification of Italy. 1921 KDKA in Pittsburgh, PA, started a daily radio newscast. It was one of the first in the U.S. 1946 WNBT-TV in New York became the first station to promote a motion picture. Scenes from "The Jolson Story" were shown. 1962 James Meredith, a black student, was blocked from enrolling at the University of Mississippi by Governor Ross R. Barnett. Meredith was later admitted. 1963 U.S. President John F. Kennedy proposed a joint U.S.- Soviet expedition to the moon in a speech to the U.N. General Assembly. 1967 The ocean liner Queen Elizabeth 2 (QE2) was launched. It went out of service on November 27, 2008. 1977 The first of the "boat people" arrived in San Francisco from Southeast Asia under a new U.S. resettlement program. 1982 U.S. President Ronald Reagan announced that the U.S., France, and Italy were going to send peacekeeping troops back to Beirut. 1989 F.W. de Klerk was sworn in as president of South Africa. 1992 French voters approved the Maastricht Treaty. 1995 AT&T announced that it would be splitting into three companies. The three companies were AT&T, Lucent Technologies, and NCR Corp. 1995 The U.S. House of Representatives voted to drop the national speed limit. This allowed the states to decide their own speed limits. 2018 Do smiled. 
 

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