Good Morning, Do! Today is Wednesday, June 29 Thank you, Nancy!! ___________________________________________________ History on this day, June 29, in 1917, The Ukraine proclaimed independence from Russia. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Slimey Jussie Smollett Paid For Pot, Cocaine, Ecstasy Via Venmo __________________________________________________ Patience has its limits. Take it too far, and it's cowardice. --- George Jackson (1941 - 1971) Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are. --- Bertolt Brecht (1898 - 1956) The beginning of knowledge is the discovery of something we do not understand. --- Frank Herbert (1920 - 1986) __________________________________________________ The Rabbi was not happy with the constant disturbances he was having during his sermons so he decided to call on old Abe to help him solve the 'coughing problem'. Comes the next Saturday morning, the Rabbi gave old Abe a bowl of cough drops and instructions to give to any congregation member who was coughing a cough drop. So following his Rabbi's orders, every time a member coughed, old Abe gave them the cough drop and then strangely the member left the shul during the sermon. At the end of the service, half of the members were gone. After services the Rabbi calls old Abe at home and asked what he said to the members that made them leave the hall. Old Abe says, " So vat did I say ? ...All that I said wuz, the Rabbi said 'For Cough!' ". __________________________________________________ The average man's life consists of twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going; fifty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too! __________________________________________________ >Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Jussie Smollet, 36, Chicago, Illinois, USA  Slimey Jussie Smollett Paid For Pot, Cocaine, Ecstasy Via Venmo  A police examination of Jussie Smolletts text messages revealed that on various occasions over the past year, the actor/hoaxster requested that an associate procure him cocaine, Ecstasy, and marijuana, the payment for which was transmitted via the Venmo app. Smolletts alleged narcotics purchases are referred to in a police report that was among hundreds of pages of documents released today by the Chicago Police Department. The material details the departments investigation of Smolletts claim that he was the victim of a hate crime attack in late-January. Pictured above, Smollett was eventually charged with fabricating the assault tale. Investigators alleged that Smollet paid $3500 to two brothers--Olabinjo and Abimbola Osundairo--to help stage the attack. In late-March, the Cook County prosecutor dropped criminal charges against the 36-year-old performer, a decision that was blasted by Chicagos mayor and police commanders. A search warrant for telephone records revealed communications between Smollett and his drug contact that began in late- February 2018. It appears that the search warrant was for the phone records of Smolletts associate (who appears to have been Olabinjo Osundairo). In the texts, Smollett would request "weed, molly, or Whitney," according to the report. In particular, weed is slang for cannabis, molly is slang for extacy, and whitney is slang for cocaine, an investigator wrote. The report contends that there were multiple occasions when Smollett apparently used Venmo to pay for "illicit activity" that was claimed as payments for legitimate expenses. For example, cops say that when Smollett paid $100 for Ecstasy pills in September 2018, he listed Training as the reason for the Venmo transfer. During the police probe, a Chicago detective contacted a Venmo official who agreed to preserve records of Smolletts account until police can secure a subpoena for those documents. ___________________________________________________ A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the lecture topic and on to his favorite subject; the evils of marijuana. Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors about marijuana. "Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!" "Now wait a minute, Professor," interrupted a student. "Castration?!" "You bet son," replied the professor smugly. "Just suppose your girlfriend uses marijuana, you're having sex, and she gets the munchies?" ___________________________________________________ A 420lb woman has won an alternative beauty contest in Italy. Maria Dore, who is 36, says mushroom pizzas are the key to her cuddly figure. The Miss Tubby contest held in Forcoli, near Pisa, is designed to counter the obsession with being slim. Organisers say it celebrates the attractiveness and humanity of larger people. Ms Dore, a housewife from Tuscany, says she loves cooking for her husband and three-year-old son. The contest is open to men and women. The men must weigh more than 330lbs and the women more than 220lbs. The men's winner, Aldo Mattotti from Rome, also weighed in at 420lbs as did Ms Dore. The competition's founder, Gianfranco Lazzereschi, said: "We wanted to create an opportunity to laud and recognise men and women who are usually barred from the spotlight. Our contest has shown that you can be beautiful even if you are seriously overweight." ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, please hit paypal with it! ___________________________________________________ A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile." "Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear. "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash." ____________________________________________________   ___________________________________________________ Two guys, Norm and Kurt, are training in the art of parachuting. At 12 000 feet, they jump out of the plane. By pulling the yellow cord, the parachute should unfold. This happens to Norm. Gently he floats in the air. Unfortunately this doesn't happen to Kurt, no matter how hard he pulls the yellow string, nothing happens. He's fallen straight down to earth. Norm shouts to him: 'Don't make a fuss of it, it's just a practice jump!' ___________________________________________________  Cool swan! ____________________________________________________ The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her now ex-husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently read about in the paper. "Honey," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six over-aged destroyers." To which the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure you'll miss your mother being gone." ___________________________________________________ DeaWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Norm Re: How do keyboard keys work?  Dear Webby! I know keyboards don't have levers and spring like the fast keyboards used to. How do they work? Norm  Dear Norm I agree, todays keyboars are klutzy snails compared to for example a Northgate Omni-Key. I seriously loved that keyboard and will never forgive the woman, who murdered it. Today's keyboards don't use physical contacts anymore. Just pry the silly Caps Lock key off with a spoon and look. I epoxy the Caps Lock keys onto the coin operated copier at Walmart. Today's keyboards have a little pneumatic piston underneath, and sometimes a little spring. When you push a key down, it compresses the air in the cylinder underneath, until the key is 3/4 of the way down. Then it uncoveres a hole and the compressed air escapes. That allows the key to fall down the remaining 1/4 of the travel. When it does that, a bit of metal in it comes close enough to a piece of metal inside the keyboard. Capacitance in electronic circuits changes in exact proportion to how far apart metal plates are. The circuit senses the change in capacity and sends that information to an embedded circuit, that translates it to look like a manual door bell button. The board underneath is soaked in varnish and waterproof. The stuff above the circuit box is not electrical and most keyboards nowadays won't be killed by a wet sponge or even a dish washer. Have FUN! Dear Webby ___________________________________________________ A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim. "It takes considerable time and technique." replied the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly..." "This is certainly most helpful." said the member. "I know that my sister will appreciate it." "Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry." ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________________ The following are purported to be actual comments made by NYC teachers on their report cards as part of their final narratives. All teachers were reprimanded, but these are great! 1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig. 2. I would not allow this student to breed. 3. Your child has delusions of adequacy. 4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together _____________________________________________________ 
 If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
 
 If you like my work,
 Please donate a dollar, 
 or two, if you can afford it!
 Please, help me stay online!
 
 ________________________________________________ 911 CALLS - The following exchanges are taken from transcripts of 911 calls: Caller: "I'd like to make a unanimous complaint, so don't use my name." Caller: "I'm reporting a deer on the road. I almost hit it." Call-taker: "Is the deer alive?" Caller: "Oh, no, it's run over. Many, many cars. Again and again, and - OH NO!!! NOT AGAIN!" Caller: "Am I talking to a real person, or is this a recording?" Caller: "We might (cough) need the fire department here (cough)." Caller: "Is it okay for a civilian to take a person to the hospital, or does the ambulance have to do it?" Caller: "He's not breathing!" Call-taker: "Can you get the phone close to him? Caller: "WHY? You want to hear he's not breathing, too?" Call-taker: "Does she have any weapons?" Caller: "Well, she has real long finger nails." Call-taker: "We'll need a description of him." Caller: "He's a lawyer." Complaint about a stolen mailbox: Call-taker: "What is your address?" Caller: "It's gone." _______________________________________________ Morris picked her up her they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot. Morris also had been widowed for a long time and found himself very attracted to Sadie, and despite her resistance at first to his advances, he finally was able to make love to her. Sadie was mortified at her lack of self control and sobbed "I don't know how I can face my daughter, knowing in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!" Morris said "What do you mean "twice" we only did it once?" Sadie looked at Morris and said, "...Well, you're going to do it again, aren't you?" _______________________________________________ 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 
 Today, June 29, in 1236, Ferdinand III of Castile and Leon took Cordoba in Spain. 1652, Massachusetts declared itself an independent commonwealth. 1767, The British Parliament approved the Townshend Revenue Acts. The acts imposed import duties on glass, lead, paint, paper and tea shipped to America.That did not go over well. 1804, Privates John Collins and Hugh Hall of the Lewis and Clark Expedition were found guilty by a court-martial consisting of members of the Corps of Discovery for getting drunk on duty. Collins received 100 lashes on his back and Hall received 50. 1860, The first iron-pile lighthouse was completed at Minots Ledge, MA. 1880, France annexed Tahiti. 1888, Professor Frederick Treves performed the first appendectomy in England. 1903, The British government officially protested Belgian atrocities in the Congo. 1905, Russian troops intervened as riots erupted in ports all over the country. Many ships had been looted. 1917, The Ukraine proclaimed independence from Russia. 1925, Marvin Pipkin filed for a patent for the frosted electric light bulb. 1926, Fascists in Rome added an hour to the work day in an economic efficiency measure. 1932, Siams army seized Bangkok and announced an end to the absolute monarchy. 1946, British authorities arrested more than 2,700 Jews in Palestine in an attempt to end terrorism. 1950, U.S. President Harry S. Truman authorized a sea blockade of Korea. 1951, The United States invited the Soviet Union to the Korean peace talks on a ship in Wonson Harbor. 1953, The Federal Highway Act authorized the construction of 42,500 miles of freeway from coast to coast. 1954, The Atomic Energy Commission voted against reinstating Dr. J. Robert Oppenheimer's access to classified information. 1955, The Soviet Union sent tanks to Poznan, Poland, to put down anti-Communist demonstrations. 1956, Marilyn Monroe and Arthur Miller were married. They were divorced on January 20, 1961. 1966, The U.S. bombed fuel storage facilities near the North Vietnamese cities of Hanoi and Haiphong. 1967, Israel removed barricades, re-unifying Jerusalem. 1972, The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that the death penalty could constitute "cruel and unusual punishment." The ruling prompted states to revise their capital punishment laws. 1982, Israel invaded Lebanon. 1987, Vincent Van Goghs "Le Pont de Trinquetaille" was bought for $20.4 million at an auction in London, England. 1995, The shuttle Atlantis and the Russian space station Mir docked, forming the largest man-made satellite ever to orbit the Earth. 2007, The first generation Apple iPhone went on sale. 2011, The state of Nevada passed the first law that permitted the operation of autonomous cars on public roads. The law went into effect on March 1, 2012 and did not permit the use of the cars to the general public. Google received the first self- driving vehicle license in the U.S. on May 4, 2012 in Nevada. 2022 Do! smiled. 

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!