Good Morning, Do! Today is Thursday, June 9 ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Arguing on the side of the road leads to dope bust ___________________________________________________ History on this day, June 9, in 1978, Leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints struck down a 148-year-old policy of excluding black men from the Mormon priesthood. ___________________________________________________ If they give you ruled paper, write the other way. --- Juan Ramon Jiminez __________________________________________________ In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is ironing. ___________________________________________________ A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly that she'd just received a message from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes. "The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to send them." "Why not?" asked her friend. "Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell." "Hm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't bring this up, but...he didn't mention anything about including matches in the package, did he?" ___________________________________________________ >Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Hunter Bechtel, 25, Jordan Ramirez, 24, Casa Grande, Arizona, USA  Couple arguing on side of road had fentanyl, cocaine  A man and a woman were arrested after police in Casa Grande say they found fentanyl and cocaine in their possession. Police say officers responded on June 5 at 10 a.m to reports of a domestic dispute near Pinal Avenue and Centennial Boulevard. Once at the scene, officers found Hunter Bechtel, 25, and Jordan Ramirez, 24, arguing in a vehicle on the side of the road. "During the initial investigation, CGPD's K9 RIK alerted to the suspect's vehicle, resulting in the discovery of approximately 3,000 fentanyl pills and an ounce of cocaine, some of which was packaged for sale," police said in news release. Bechtel and Ramirez were both arrested and booked into jail. They are accused of possession and transportation of a narcotic drug. Bechtel is being held on a $50,000 bond. Ramirez is being held on a $10,000 bond. ___________________________________________________ Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby. "This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?" "No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror." ___________________________________________________ if you can spare a coin, please hit paypal with it! ___________________________________________________ These are actual excuse notes to teachers from parents (including spelling): My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night. ____________________________________________________   Kyla Black Nakoda, White Grizzly in Banff I think Nakoda is the only white grizzly in the world. VERY strongly protected! ___________________________________________________ The cute statements below are said to have been written by actual students and are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected: 1. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. 2. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. 3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. 4. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. 5. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. 6. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. 7. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments. 8. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. 9. The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother. 10. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. 11. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. 12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. 13. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. 14. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. 15. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. 16. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. 17. St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his [Jesus'] head. 18. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. 19. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone." 20. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. 21. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. 22. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. 23. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. 24. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony. ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________________ A real estate salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water. "That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?" "Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat." ____________________________________________________ If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. Following the rules will not get the job done. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" No matter how much you do, you never do enough. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong. ____________________________________________________ DeaWebby's Tech Support Pits  From: Buzzy's Archive Re: CALLER: "How secure is my email ? I got this letter that said my name has been traced to my address!" CALLER: "How secure is my email ? I got this letter that said my name has been traced to my address!" BUZZY: "That's just spam. Always rememeber, spammers lie." CALLER: "Well, I know THAT. But how did they trace my name to my address?" BUZZY: "Have a look and tell me if that spam is addressed to your name or something phoney." CALLER: "To 'friend at public.com'." BUZZY: "That's about as phoney as it can go. It reminds me of Lil Thomlin, one of the greatest classic radio comedians who ever lived. She used to play a telephone operator who called random numbers and asked them: 'Are you the person I am speaking to?'. Those spammers are just turning that old joke into a sleazy way to get you worried. CALLER: "So my email is secure?" BUZZY: "Yes, your email is secure. However, anybody who has an IQ higher than their shoe size, can easily find out your name at any time." CALLER: (quite worried) "HOW ?" BUZZY: "You got a business web page and tell everybody who you are and invite them all to come and see you in your store." CALLER: "DUH! Guess I need some smaller shoes, huh ?" Have FUN! DearWebby ______________________________________________________ 
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 ______________________________________________________ An accident really uncanny, Befell an unfortunate granny. She sat down in a chair While her false teeth were there, And bit herself right in the fanny! __________________________________________ Dear Webby Would you believe that my mother's email program awarded the Humor Letter THREE red peppers for "naughty language"? We had a hoot going through it with a fine tooth comb trying to find what was naughty in it and the closest we came was this: == "Ma'am, this potato is bad." She nodded, picked up the potato, and smacked it. == So, Dear Webby, better be careful about this "cruelty to potatoes" stuff. Otherwise PETA will go after you and protest in front of your office! They had a topless PETA protest in Tucson last week and it caused quite a big car pile-up. ====GDB=== Dear GDB How many naughty potatoes would I have to smack to get topless protesters to come here ? All I see outside my office window is deer. http://posty.net/office/ Have FUN! DearWebby __________________________________________ An elderly Jewish woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things." "Oy, don't I know it," she said. "My husband never buys me anything! It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry." _______________________________________________ The National Attention Deficit Disorder Association is holding its annual convention this T Do you know about the support group for people who talk too much? It's called "On and On Anon." ______________________________________________ In a cafeteria : "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria." (hand-written underneath) ~ "Socks can eat any place they want." ______________________________________________ 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife. Jiggly, yes ~ jiggy, no. ___________________________________________________  
 Today, June 9, in 1064, Coimbra, Portugal fell to Ferdinand, the King of Castile. 1534, Jacques Cartier became the first to sail into the river he named Saint Lawrence. 1790, John Barry copyrighted "Philadelphia Spelling Book." It was the first American book to be copyrighted. 1790, Civil war broke out in Martinique. 1860, The Ms. Ann Stevens book "Malaeska, the Indian Wife of the White Hunter" was offered for sale for a dime. It was the first published "dime novel." 1923, Bulgaria's government was overthrown by the military. 1931, Robert H. Goddard patented a rocket-fueled aircraft design. 1934, Donald Duck made his debut in the Silly Symphonies cartoon "The Wise Little Hen." 1940, Norway surrendered to the Nazis during World War II. 1943, The withholding tax on payrolls was authorized by the U.S. Congress. 1945, Japanese Premier Kantaro Suzuki declared that Japan would fight to the last rather than accept unconditional surrender. 1959, The first ballistic missile carrying submarine, the USS George Washington, was launched. 1978, Leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints struck down a 148-year-old policy of excluding black men from the Mormon priesthood. 1980, Richard Pryor was severely burned by a "free-base" mixture that exploded. He was hospitalized more than two months. 1985, Thomas Sutherland, an American educator, was kidnapped in Lebanon. He was not released until November 1991. 1986, The Rogers Commission released a report on the Challenger disaster. The report explained that the spacecraft blew up as a result of a failure in a solid rocket booster joint. Some people believed that. 1999, NATO and Yugoslavia signed a peace agreement over Kosovo. 2000, Canada and the United States signed a border security agreement. The agreement called for the establishment of a border-enforcement team. 2000, The U.S. House of Representatives voted to repeal gift and estate taxes. The bill called for the taxes to be phased out over 10 years. 2001, Patrick Roy (Colorado Avalanche) became the first National Hockey League (NHL) player to win three Conn Smythe Trophies. The award is given to the playoff's Most Valuable Player. 2011, The world's first artificial organ transplant was performed. It was an artificial windpipe coated with stem cells. 2022 Do smiled. 

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!