Good Morning, Do! Today is Thursday, July 14 Thank you, Nikki!! ___________________________________________________ History on this day, July 14, in 1911, Harry N. Atwood landed an airplane on the lawn of the White House to accept an award from U.S. President William Taft. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Woman charged after Phoenix police seize about 166,000 fentanyl pills __________________________________________________ The most radical revolutionary will become a conservative the day after the revolution. --- Hannah Arendt (1906 - 1975) The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity. --- Harlan Ellison (1934 - ) _________________________________________________ "Can I have a cigarette?" Keli asked. "I thought you quit smoking," Wendy said "I'm in the process of quitting," Keli said. "Right now I am in the middle of phase one." "What's phase one?" Wendy asked. "I've quit buying," Keli replied. ----------- When I quit smoking in February 27, 2011 I put my cigarette out, grinned and never lit another one. __________________________________________________ A man bought a parrot. It sat in its cage all day saying, "Cracker want a polly. Cracker want a polly." The man's friend heard the bird and said, "That bird is really stupid!" The owner said, "No, his name's Cracker, and he's very lonely." __________________________________________________ >Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Alexa Magana, Phoenix, Arizona, USA  Woman charged after Phoenix police seize about 166,000 fentanyl pills  A Phoenix woman is facing charges after a drug investigation led to about 166,000 fentanyl pills being found in her vehicle. Phoenix police say they were conducting a drug investigation in the area of 27th Avenue and Bethany Home Road Wednesday based on information that a drug sale was to take place. seize about 166,000 fentanyl pills A Phoenix woman is facing charges after a drug investigation led to about 166,000 fentanyl pills being found in her vehicle. Phoenix police say they were conducting a drug investigation in the area of 27th Avenue and Bethany Home Road Wednesday based on information that a drug sale was to take place. Magana called an undercover police officer Wednesday and the officer directed her to a fast food restaurant where she was taken into custody. Magana reportedly told police she had a duffel bag in her back seat with 125,000 fentanyl pills in it, along with a spare tire in the trunk that was also carrying fentanyl. seize about 166,000 fentanyl pills Groups are working to prevent fentanyl deaths as the drug epidemic continues to be increasingly deadly. phoenix drug bust 7-1 By: abc15.com staffPosted at 12:49 PM, Jul 01, 2022 and last updated 3:10 PM, Jul 01, 2022 PHOENIX A Phoenix woman is facing charges after a drug investigation led to about 166,000 fentanyl pills being found in her vehicle. Phoenix police say they were conducting a drug investigation in the area of 27th Avenue and Bethany Home Road Wednesday based on information that a drug sale was to take place. According to a police report, officers recognized 20-year- old Alexa Magana from a previous traffic stop earlier in June. She told officers during that stop that she didn't have drugs on her then, but she had delivered fentanyl pills for the cartel and recently quit. Magana called an undercover police officer Wednesday and the officer directed her to a fast food restaurant where she was taken into custody. Magana reportedly told police she had a duffel bag in her back seat with 125,000 fentanyl pills in it, along with a spare tire in the trunk that was also carrying fentanyl. Court records indicate police got a search warrant and found a total of about 166,000 fentanyl pills, along with about $2,000 in cash. Magana is facing drug transportation and possession charges. __________________________________________________ In a high school gym class, all the girls are lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Every ten seconds, they walk toward each other exactly half the remaining distance between them. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?" Mathematician: "Never." Physicist: "In an infinite amount of time." Engineer: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes." ______________________________________________________ The Modern Toolbox Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself. Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver. Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka. Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install. Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels. Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself. Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway. Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool. Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911. Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house. Chain saw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself. Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice. ___________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Kathy RE: Send page  Dear Webby, Browser pages used to have a "FILE" that had an option to send the file of the page. I can't find it anymore. How do I send a file to my home address or to a friend? Tks Kathy  Dear Kathy Yes, I have noticed that too. Just click onto the page and then onto the URL line. It will change to the "Selected" color. CTRL C to copy Jump to your email program and enter the recipient email address, then put a reasonably descriptive phrase into the subject line, tab down to the body, and hit CTRL V to paste the URL. SEND when you or anybody receives that email, it will have that URL in clickable format. Slightly different procedure, but it works well. Have FUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________ There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's pay. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergy- man's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "having children is an "act of God!" Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the room, a little old man stood up and in his frail voice said: "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers." ____________________________________________ God the Computer Programmer. You know, many important theological questions are answered if we think of God as a Computer Programmer. Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life? A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables. Q: Why does God allow evil to happen? A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier versions. Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs? A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things can wait until tomorrow. Q: Did God really create the world in seven days? A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend had left him. Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended? A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the maintenance phase. Q: Who is Satan? A: Satan is a MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant. __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, please hit paypal with it! ___________________________________________________ Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agrees and again they make love. Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left. Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't." ____________________________________________________   ___________________________________________________ A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six!" he said. _____________________________________________________ The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "I should warn you. . .you may not want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience. "Well, I speak from personal experience," the expert explained. "For years, I watched my wife's routine at breakfast. She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. "So finally one day I made a suggestion: 'Hon,' I said, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" The voice from the back persisted, "And didn't that save time?" The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven." ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it! Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________________ >From Bill Dear God, Yesterday was an awful day for me... My wife ran off with her cousin-in-law. My son pierced his eyebrow, My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head, My dog mated with the neighbour's cat, My neighbour sold his house to a mental institution, My Mom told me I was adopted, My boss told me I was laid off, My sister was arrested for prostitution, My house has termites, My car was stolen, All that came in the mail was bills, A plane crash landed on my garage, OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner, And my TV blew up. Lord, please be with me today. I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today!! But please... DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!! ___________________________________________________ It was the morning after the consummation of the marriage of two senior citizens. The new bride awoke purring. Hearing her husband running water in the bathroom, she said, "Did you just brush your teeth?" The husband answered, "Yes, dear. And while I was at it, I brushed yours too." ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________________  FirstHowl Yellow Breasted Chat, Dinosaur Provincial Park, AB ____________________________________________________ A poor vagabond, traveling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked. The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" he asked. The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition. "No!" she said rather sternly. "Could I have a pint of ale?" "No!" she said again. "Could I at least sleep in your stable?" "No!" by this time she was fairly shouting. The vagabond said, "Might I please...?" "What now?" the woman interrupted impatiently. "D'ye suppose," he asked, "I might have a word with George?" ______________________________________________________ 
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 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 
 Today, July 14, in 1223, In France, Louis VIII succeeded his father, Philip Augustus. 1430, Joan of Arc, taken prisoner by the Burgundians in May, was handed over to Pierre Cauchon, the bishop of Beauvais. 1456, Hungarians defeated the Ottomans at the Battle of Belgrade. 1536, France and Portugal signed the naval treaty of Lyons, which aligned them against Spain. 1789, French Revolution began with Parisians stormed the Bastille prison and released the seven prisoners, including Marquis de Sade, inside. 1798, The U.S. Congress passed the Sedition Act. The act made it a federal crime to write, publish, or utter false or malicious statements about the U.S. government. Only Democrats are allowed to do that. 1868, Alvin J. Fellows patented the tape measure. 1891, The primacy of Thomas Edison's lamp patents was upheld in the court decision Electric Light Company vs. U.S. Electric Lighting Company. 1900, European Allies retook Tientsin, China, from the rebelling Boxers. 1908, "The Adventures of Dolly" opened at the Union Square Theatre in New York City. 1911, Harry N. Atwood landed an airplane on the lawn of the White House to accept an award from U.S. President William Taft. 1914, Robert H. Goddard patented liquid rocket-fuel. 1933, All German political parties except the Nazi Party were outlawed. 1940, A force of German Ju-88 bombers attacked Suez, Egypt, from bases in Crete. 1941, Vichy French Foreign Legionaries signed an armistice in Damascus, which allowed them to join the Free French Foreign Legion. 1945, American battleships and cruisers bombarded the Japanese home islands for the first time. 1946, Dr. Benjamin Spocks "The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care" was first published. 1951, The first sports event to be shown in color, on CBS- TV, was the Molly Pitcher Handicap at Oceanport, NJ. 1951, The George Washington Carver National Monument in Joplin, MO, became the first national park to honor an African American. 1958, The army of Iraq overthrew the monarchy. 1965, The American space probe Mariner 4 flew by Mars, and sent back photographs of the planet. 1998, Los Angeles sued 15 tobacco companies for $2.5 billion over the dangers of secondhand smoke. 2001, Beijing was awarded the 2008 Olympics. It was the first time that China had been awarded the games. 2008, The iTunes Music Store reached 10 million applications downloaded. 2008, In Japan, construction began on the Tokyo Skytree tower. 2009, The iTunes Music Store reached 1.5 billion applications downloaded. 2015, NASA's New Horizons spacecraft became the first space mission to explore Pluto. 2022 Do! smiled. 

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!