Good Morning, Do! Today is Sunday, May 15 ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Chicago Gunslinger jailed __________________________________________________ On May 14 in 1988, The Soviet Union began their withdrawal of its 115,000 troops from Afghanistan. Soviet forces had been there for more than eight years. They did not leave anything behind. _____________________________________________________ I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. --- Thomas Jefferson (1743 - 1826) Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is ancient. It's called 'rain'. --- Michael McClary ____________________________________________________ Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees" Guest (G) "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service" RS: "Rye. Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to ordor sunteen? G: "Uh. Yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs" RS: Ow July den?" G: "What?" RS: "Ow July den?..pry, boy, pooch?" G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please." RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?" G: "Crisp will be fine." RS: "Hokay. An San tos?" G: "What?" RS: "San tos. July San tos?" G: "I don't think so." RS: "NO? July one toes??" G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'july one toes' means." RS: "Toes! toes!..why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow slinglish moppin we bother?" G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast'. Fine. Yes, and English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bother?" G: "No..just put the bother on the side." RS: "Wad?" G. "I mean butter..just put it on the side." RS: Copy?" G: "Sorry." RS: "Copy..tea..mill?" G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all." RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish moppin we bother honey sigh, and copy...rye?" G: "Whatever you say" RS: "Tenjewberrymud." G: "You're welcome." ___________________________________________________ if you can spare a coin, please hit paypal with it! ___________________________________________________ A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the young couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" "OK, I will," replied the husband, "as soon as you sidetrack her hubby." ____________________________________________________   Amy Stephens Looks like one I saw in the Sonora desert ___________________________________________________ After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land. They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left behind. In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made cookies with a note saying "Much love, Mom." Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner. In few minutes, this announcement came over the public- address system in the concourse: "Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?" ____________________________________________________ Jim and Ted play golf together every Monday. Jim always wins because Ted is a terrible putter. One Monday, Ted can't miss. He sinks every shot on the green. Jim can't believe his eyes! After the round, Jim asks, "What has happened? You can't miss today." Ted says, "Order up the beer, I have to go to the bathroom." When Ted comes back the front of his pants are all wet. Confused, Jim asks "What happened to your pants?" "I'll get to that in a minute, let tell you about my game. I went to the eye doctor last week, and he said that I need bifocals. So when I look down, I see a little ball and a big ball. I look over and see a little hole and a big hole. I put the little ball in the big hole, and I can't miss." "What about your pants?" "I looked down and saw a little one and a big one, figured the little one wasn't mine, so I put it away." ___________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Andres Ramirez Jr., 48, Aurora, Illinois, USA  Gunslinger jailed  An Aurora man has been found guilty by a Kane County jury of armed violence, aggravated discharge of a firearm, and unlawful possession of a firearm by felon. The Kane County State's Attorney's Office says that 48-year-old Andres Ramirez Jr., of Aurora, fired eight shots from a handgun in the direction of a passing Aurora Police squad car in March of 2020. Prosecutors say it happened in the 200 block of Jefferson Street. One bullet hit another home and another bullet hit a parked car. No one was hurt. Ramirez was on parole for a 2003 attempted murder at the time. He had been released on parole in 2017. Ramirez is due back in court next month for sentencing. He could be sentenced to up to twenty years in prison. Shooting at cop cars is a bad idea, even if you are a lousy shot.  ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________  DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Elaine Re: HP printer reverts to B/W Dear Webby Thanks for your help with the converter issue !! Not exactly 'computer' tech related but since I know of another user who had this same problem, thought I would ask / share since I assume there are more in the same situation. I was forced to upgrade to Windows 10 in order to use some of the updates I needed for other programs that I use. Needless to say, I was not a fan of that requirement. However . . . One of my most oft used printers is a cheap HP OfficeJet 3830 which has worked well up until the upgrade but - will no longer print in colour when the command is from my computer. Still works great for copy, faxes etc. in colour or black and white etc. I did all the normal things, turn off and on, update driver to compatible version, checked properties in advance settings both on computer and printer even, uninstalled and reinstalled printer etc., etc. First thing printed after trying several of these fixes was from Snipping Tool (one of my favourite tools BTW) and it printed in colour - but only the first time..ALL subsequent attempts were back to black and white !! Any suggestions ???? Elaine  Dear Elaine I have one of those OfficeJets holding up a shelf in the garage. Got it one time because it was cheaper than toner for a good printer. When they wanted more money for ink for it than what a decent printer costs, I got a decent printer and moved the HP to the garage. It will be moved to the dump soon. In the Control Panel, Right-click on printer and choose Properties. From this properties page click on the printing preferences. Go for the Paper/Quality tab and tap on Color. Hit OK and then exit. If that does not do it, wheelbarrow it out to the dumpster. Have FUN! DearWebby ______________________________________________________ The choir director became desperate and went to the priest. "You've got to get that man out of the choir," he said. "If you don't, I'm going to resign. The choir members are going to quit too. Please do something." So the priest went to the man and suggested, "Perhaps you should leave the choir." "Why should I get out of the choir?" he asked. "Well, five or six people have told me you can't sing." That's nothing," the man snorted. "Fifty people have told me that you can't preach!" 
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 _____________________________________________ In bygone days, a thin man insulted a fat man. The fat man challenged his tormentor to a duel with pistols. On the day of the duel a debate ensued about the unfair advantage held by the thin man because he was a much smaller target. Finally the thin man came up with a solution. "Let the outline of my figure be chalked upon your body," he said to his opponent, "and any shots of mine that hit outside the chalk lines, we won't count." ______________________________________________ Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. ______________________________________________ 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 >From Buzzy: USER: What did you do to my bookmarks?!?!?! Tech: What's wrong with your bookmarks? User: I go to Bookmarks and all it lists are these sex pages. Buzzy: The only way that can happen is if someone put them there. We cannot change that. User: That can't be. There's only me and my husband here and he is a minister, I don't think he could have done that..... GEORGE !!! (Someone has some 'splainin' to do!) ___________________________________________________  
 Today, May 15, in 1602, Cape Cod was discovered by Bartholomew Gosnold. 1614, An aristocratic uprising in France ended with the treaty of St.Menehould. 1618, Johannes Kepler discovered his harmonics law. 1702, The War of Spanish Succession began. 1768, Under the Treaty of Versailles, France purchased Corsica from Genoa, just before Napoleon was born. 1795, Napoleon entered the Lombardian capital of Milan. 1849, Neapolitan troops entered Palermo, and were in possession of Sicily. 1862, The U.S. Congress created the U.S. Department of Agriculture. 1911, The U.S. Supreme Court ordered the dissolution of Standard Oil Company, ruling it was in violation of the Sherman Antitrust Act. 1916, U.S. Marines landed in Santo Domingo to quell civil disorder. 1918, Regular airmail service between New York City, Philadelphia and Washington, DC, began under the direction of the Post Office Department, which later became the U.S. Postal Service. 1926, Roald Amundsen and Lincoln Ellsworth were forced down in Alaska after a four-day flight over an icecap. Ice had begun to form on the dirigible Norge. 1926, The New York Rangers were officially granted a franchise in the NHL. The NHL also announced that Chicago and Detroit would be joining the league in November. 1930, Ellen Church became the first female flight attendant. 1940, Nylon stockings went on sale for the first time in the U.S. 1941, Joe DiMaggio began his historic major league baseball hitting streak of 56 games. 1942, Gasoline rationing began in the U.S. The limit was 3 gallons a week for nonessential vehicles. 1948, Israel was attacked by Transjordan, Egypt, Syria, Iraq and Lebanon only hours after declaring its independence. 1951, AT&T became the first corporation to have one million stockholders. 1957, Britain dropped its first hydrogen bomb on Christmas Island in the Pacific Ocean. 1958, Sputnik III, the first space laboratory, was launched in the Soviet Union. 1963, The last Project Mercury space flight was launched. 1964, The Smothers Brothers, Dick and Tom, gave their first concert in Carnegie Hall in New York City. 1970, U.S. President Nixon appointed America's first two female generals. 1970, Phillip Lafayette Gibbs and James Earl Green, two black students at Jackson State University in Mississippi, were killed when police opened fire during student protests. 1972, Alabama Gov. George C. Wallace was shot by Arthur Bremer in Laurel, MD while campaigning for the U.S. presidency. Wallace was paralyzed by the shot. 1975, The merchant ship U.S. Mayaguez was recaptured from Cambodia's Khmer Rouge. 1980, The first transcontinental balloon crossing of the United States took place. 1983, In Boston,MA, the Madison Hotel was destroyed by implosion. 1988, The Soviet Union began their withdrawal of its 115,000 troops from Afghanistan. Soviet forces had been there for more than eight years. They did not leave anything behind. 1990, Vincent Van Gogh's "Portrait of Doctor Gachet" was sold for $82.5 million. The sale set a new world record. 1997, The Space shuttle Atlantis blasted off on a mission to deliver urgently needed repair equipment and a fresh American astronaut to Russia's orbiting Mir station. 1999, The Russian parliament was unable a attain enough votes to impeach President Boris Yeltsin. 2014, The National September 11 Memorial Museum was dedicated in New York City. 2022 Do smiled. 

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!