Good Morning, Do! Today is Tuesday, January 26 ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ International Bonehead Award Ambulance Thief Caught At Drive-Through  ___________________________________________________ Today, January 26 in 2009 Quite predictably the Icelandic government and banking system collapsed. Prime Minister Geir Haarde resigned. _____________________________________________________ Nobody got anywhere in the world by simply being content. --- Louis L'Amour (1908 - 1988) Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. --- Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) _____________________________________________________ YOU KNOW YOU'RE LIVING IN THE 21ST CENTURY WHEN... Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have e-mail addresses. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?" Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and takes planning. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave. You consider second day air delivery painfully slow. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored Post-it notes. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. You get up in morning and go on-line before getting your coffee. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed. You start tilting your head sideways to smile:) _____________________________________________________ An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The Doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc,it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied,"Yep. And no matter what we tried we still couldn't get that damn jar open!" _____________________________________________________   Hyacinth Macaw ___________________________________________________ Best Oxymorons State worker Legally drunk Exact estimate Act naturally Found missing Resident alien Genuine imitation Airline Food Good grief Government organization  Sanitary landfill Alone together Small crowd Business ethics Soft rock Butt Head Military Intelligence Sweet sorrow Happily married "Now, then..." Passive aggression Clearly misunderstood Peace force Extinct Life Plastic glasses Terribly pleased Computer security Political science Tight slacks Definite maybe Pretty ugly Rap music Working vacation Microsoft Works __________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Renaldo Leonard, 36, Houston, Texas, USA  Ambulance Thief Caught At Drive-Through  While paramedics were on a call, a Texas man last night jumped into an ambulance and drove the vehicle, with its lights flashing, to a Jack in the Box, where he ordered food at the drive-through lane, cops say. According to Houston police, Renaldo Leonard, 36, was charged Thursday with felony theft in connection with the ambulance heist. The stolen vehicle--valued in excess of $150,000--was tracked to a Jack in the Box, where Leonard was at the drive up ordering food with emergency lights, cops noted. The restaurant is more than four miles from where the Houston Fire Department ambulance was stolen. Leonard, seen at right, is behind bars at the Harris County jail. In light of Leonards prior criminal record, prosecutors have asked a judge to deny him bailAccording to court records, Leonards rap sheet includes separate felony convictions for PCP possession, robbery, and cocaine possession.  
 DearWebby's Tech Support Pits  From: Re:  Dear Webby Good MorningI need help with something that just is boggling my mind and at this stage of my life doesn't take much. Could you tell me how to change the font on my laptop? I'm using Windows 10 (don't go there) and for the life of me I'm having a huge dilemma trying to change the font to something slightly bigger. So, if you can help me it would be great Or if you can't maybe someone getting the Newsletter can Thanks for all the years of laughter and help! It really is appreciated Stay well, stay safe. Wendy  Dear Wendy To change your display in Windows 10, select Start > Settings > Ease of Access > Display.To make only the text on your screen larger, adjust the slider under Make text biggerTo make everything larger, including images and apps, choose an option from the drop-down menu under Make everything bigger. To just temporarily increase the display size of everything, hold down the CTRL key and scroll the mouse wheel up. Down if you need to shrink everything. Have Fun! DearWebby 
 What kind of little girl was your mom? 1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff. 2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice. Why did your mom marry your dad? 1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on. 
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 After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year- old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT monfter?" ____________________________________________ Steinberg and Greenbaum, partners in the garment industry had just suffered through their worst season ever. Ten thousand madras sports coats were hanging on the rack unsold, and bankruptcy was looming closer. Out of the blue, in walked a buyer from Australia. "I say there," he began, "you boys wouldn't have any madras sports coats, would you? I've been looking for them everywhere." Steinberg said there MIGHT be a few left, and soon a deal was made whereby the ten thousand jackets would be shipped to Australia at a handsome profit. "There is one thing though," said the Australian buyer. "For an order this large, I'll have to get a confirmation from my home office. I don't anticipate any problem, and unless I send you a telegram by this Friday, the deal goes through as planned." Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday passed slowly, with the partners nervously waiting to see if the Australian would change his mind. Friday morning went by without incident. Steinberg and Greenbaum were closing up shop when, at ten minutes to five, there was a knock on the door: ..."Telegram!" The partners froze. Trembling, Greenbaum grabbed the telegram and opened it. Suddenly, his face lit up. "Steinberg, GREAT NEWS! Your sister died!" ____________________________________________ An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife." ____________________________________________ 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribeIf you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 ___________________________________________________  
 Today Jan 26 in 1500 Vicente Yez Pinzn discovered Brazil. 1736 Stanislaus I formally abdicated as King of Poland. 1784 In a letter to his daughter, Benjamin Franklin expressed unhappiness over the eagle as the symbol of AmericaHe wanted the symbol to be the turkey. 1788 The first European settlers in Australia, led by Captain Arthur Phillip, landed in what became known as SydneyThe group had first settled at Botany Bay eight days beforeThis day is celebrated as Australia Day. 1802 The U.S. Congress passed an act calling for a library to be established within the U.S. Capitol. 1827 Peru seceded from Colombia in protest against Simn Bolvar's alleged tyranny. 1837 Michigan became the 26th state to join the United States. 1841 Britain formally occupied Hong Kong, which the Chinese had ceded to the British. 1861 In the U.S., Louisiana seceded from the Union. 1870 The state of Virgina rejoined the Union. 1875 George FGreen patented the electric dental drill for sawing, filing, dressing and polishing teeth. 1905 The Cullinan diamond, at 3,106.75 carats, was found by Captain Wells at the Premier Mine, near Pretoria, South Africa. 1911 Inventor Glenn HCurtiss flew the first successful seaplane. 1934 The Apollo Theatre opened in New York City. 1939 In the Spanish Civil War, Franco's forces, with Italian aid, took Barcelona. 1942 The first American expeditionary force to go to Europe during World War II went ashore in Northern Ireland. 1947 "The Greatest Story Ever Told" was first heard on ABC radio. 1950 India officially proclaimed itself a republic as Rajendra Prasad took the oath of office as president. 1950 The American Associated Insurance Companies, of StLouis, MO, issued the first baby sitters insurance policy. 1959 "Alcoa Presents" debuted on ABC-TVThe show would later be renamed "One Step Beyond". 1961 U.SPresident John FKennedy appointed DrJanet GTravell as the first woman to be the "personal physician to the President". 1962 The U.Slaunched Ranger 3 to land scientific instruments on the moonThe probe missed its target by about 22,000 miles. 1965 Hindi was made the official language of India. 1969 California was declared a disaster area two days of flooding and mudslides. 1972 In Hermsdorf, Czechoslovakia, a JAT Yugoslav Airlines flight crashed after the detonation of a bomb in the forward cargo hold killing 27 peopleThe bomb was believed to have been placed on the plane by a Croatian extremist groupVesna Vulovic, a stewardess, survived after falling 33,000 feet in the tail sectionShe broke both legs and became paralyzed from the waist down. 1979 The Gizmo guitar synthesizer was first demonstrated. 1984 CBS television debuted Mickey Spillane's "Mike Hammer." 1992 Russian president Boris Yeltsin announced that his country would stop targeting U.Scities with nuclear weapons. 1993 Former Czechoslovak President Vaclav Havel was elected president of the new Czech Republic. 1994 In Sydney, Australia, a young man lunged at and fired two blank shots at Britain's Prince Charles. 1996 U.SFirst Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton testified before a grand jury concerning the Whitewater probe. 1998 U.SPresident Clinton denied having an affair with a former White House intern, saying "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky." 1999 Saddam Hussein vowed revenge against the U.S. in response to air-strikes that reportedly killed civilians. The strikes were U.Spy planes defending themselves against anti-aircraft fire. 2009 Quite predictably the Icelandic government and banking system collapsedPrime Minister Geir Haarde resigned. 2010 It was announced that James Cameron's movie "Avatar" had become the highest-grossing film worldwide. 2021 Do smiled. 
 

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