Good Morning, Do! Today is Saturday, June 13 ___________________________________________________ Today, June 13 in 1920 The U.S. Post Office Department ruled that children may not be sent by parcel post. _____________________________________________________ Today's Bonehead Award: Armed teen robs Wichita McDonald's via drive-thru ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
_____________________________________________________ Invention is the mother of necessity. --- Thorstein Veblen (1857 - 1929) If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest. --- Kin Hubbard _____________________________________________________ When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double- breasted thing?" the manager asked. "That's the one!" That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me." __________________________________________ __________________________________________ 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks. ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Santiago Castillo, 18, Wichita, Kansas, USA Armed teen robs Wichita McDonald's via drive-thru Wichita police have arrested an 18-year-old suspect for allegedly robbing a local McDonald's. Santiago Castillo was booked early Wednesday morning for aggravated robbery and remains held on $75,000 bond. Officers responded at around 9 p.m. Tuesday to an armed robbery at the McDonald's at West Street and Taft. One of the two 17-year-old employees told police that the suspect opened the drive-thru window, was armed with a handgun and demanded cash. An undisclosed amount of cash from the register was given to the suspect who fled in a white Ford Flex. Police spokesperson Charley Davidson said officers located the suspect's vehicle at around 10:30 p.m. near University Avenue and Knight Street. They arrested Castillo. An 18-year-old female in the car with him was not taken into custody. Officers also saw the cash drawer, a mask and a gun inside the vehicle. DeaWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Edith Re: Internert surveillaance Dear Webby, I read so much about people getting caught online for anything from tax evasion to child molesting. I don't do any of that, about the worst I do is tell some Dementos off. Does that make me a target? You know how the Dementos twist everything around! Should I be worried and look for a program to protect me? Edith Dear Edith 1) Get Malwarebytes. That keeps all the evildoers out. They can't plant any surveillance stuff. 2) Overload the evildoers. Yes, total data overload. Naturally, you don't mention anything about YOUR planned actions. Gush about having heard about your mayor or parliamentarian looking for Napalm and stuff to poison Petunia and Broom Hilda and Pocahuntas. Start a daily column about "Secret News from the Laundromat". Get them all excited and wasting time. Pretty soon they will realize that you are just putting them on, and they will leave you in peace. Keep in mind that the FBI and the CIA are still Obamanov's toadies. Because they are bullshitters, they are easy to bullshit. Just turn the tables and bullshit THEM. Lay it on thick! When you start your "Secret News from the Laundromat" tell me the URL. I will mention it in the Humor Letter. I bet quite a few people will chime in with all kinds of juicy gossip. Just have fun and don't worry. You saw how much joking I do about Petunia and Broom Hilda and Pocahuntas. No problem at all, but Trump sent me a brand new Trump2020 cap. Have FUN! DearWebby
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____________________________________________________ | | 15 Unbelievable Places that Actually Exist |
_____________________________________________ A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, "Hello, darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. But, I don't want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing like expected, or worse. I want to know all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z!" The voice on the other end of the line said, "That's a very unusual request...What is the patient's name and room number?" She said, "Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in Room 302." He said, "Finkel, Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber, Finkel. Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o' clock." The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh, thank God! Her test came back normal, she's getting off the heart machine in a couple of hours, you say. Oh! that's fantastic, darling! And she is being released tomorrow at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that! . . . That's wonderful news!" The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!" She said, 'What close family or friend? I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor tells me nothing." _____________________________________________ Why are new girlfriends like a fresh roll of toilet paper? Sometimes it's kind of hard to get the first piece, but after that you can rip one off anytime! _____________________________________________ A Scoutmaster was teaching his Boy Scouts about survival in the Alaskan wilderness. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost alone in the woods?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were mentioned, such as water, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes, Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring?" asked the Scoutmaster. Timmy replied, "A compass, food, and a deck of cards." "Why's that, Timmy?" the Scoutmaster asked. "The compass is to find the right direction, and the food is to maintain you until you're rescued." "And what about the playing cards, Timmy?" asked the Scoutmaster impatiently. "Well, sir, as soon as you start playing solitaire, someone always walks up behind you and says, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten!' " ____________________________________________ A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,"Thou shall not kill." | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ | Today June 13 in 1415 Henry the Navigator, the prince of Portugal, embarked on an expedition to Africa. 1777 The Marquis de Lafayette arrived in the American colonies to help with their rebellion against the British. 1789 Ice cream was served to General George Washington by Mrs. Alexander Hamilton. 1825 Walter Hunt patented the safety pin. Hunt then sold the rights for $400. 1866 The 14th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution was passed by the U.S. Congress. It was ratified on July 9, 1868. The amendment was designed to grant citizenship to and protect the civil liberties of recently freed slaves. It did this by prohibiting states from denying or abridging the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States, depriving any person of his life, liberty, or property without due process of law, or denying to any person within their jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws. 1888 The U.S. Congress created the Department of Labor. 1898 The Canadian Yukon Territory was organized. 1900 China's Boxer Rebellion against foreigners and Chinese Christians erupted into violence. 1912 Captain Albert Berry made the first successful parachute jump from an airplane in Jefferson, Mississippi. 1920 The U.S. Post Office Department ruled that children may not be sent by parcel post. 1922 Charlie Osborne started the longest attack on hiccups. He hiccuped over 435 million times before stopping. He died in 1991, 11 months after his hiccups ended. 1923 The French set a trade barrier between the occupied Ruhr and the rest of Germany. That was bone of the causes for WWII. 1927 Charles Lindbergh was honored with a ticker-tape parade in New York City. 1927 For the first time, an American Flag was displayed from the right hand of the Statue of Liberty. 1940 Paris was evacuated before the German advance on the city. 1943 German spies landed on Long Island, New York. They were soon captured. 1944 Germany launched 10 of its new V1 rockets against Britain from a position near the Channel coast. Of the 10 rockets only 5 landed in Britain and only one managed to kill (6 people in London). 1944 Marvin Camras patented the wire recorder. 1949 Bao Dai entered Saigon to rule Vietnam. He had been installed by the French. 1951 U.N. troops seized Pyongyang, North Korea. 1966 The landmark "Miranda v. Arizona" decision was issued by the U.S. Supreme Court. The decision ruled that criminal suspects had to be informed of their constitutional rights before being questioned by police. 1967 Solicitor General Thurgood Marshall was nominated by President Lyndon B. Johnson to become the first black justice on the U.S. Supreme Court. 1971 The New York Times began publishing the "Pentagon Papers". The articles were a biased study of America's involvement in Vietnam. 1978 Israelis withdrew the last of their invading forces from Lebanon. 1979 Sioux Indians were awarded $105 million in compensation for the U.S. seizure in 1877 of their Black Hills in South Dakota. 1983 The unmanned U.S. space probe Pioneer 10 became the first spacecraft to leave the solar system. It was launched in March 1972. The first up-close images of the planet Jupiter were provided by Pioneer 10. 1988 The Liggett Group, a cigarette manufacturer, was found liable for a lung-cancer death. They were, however, found innocent by the federal jury of misrepresenting the risks of smoking. 1989 U.S. President George H.W. Bush exercised his first Presidential veto on a bill dealing with minimum wage. 1992 Future U.S. President Bill Clinton criticized rap singer Sister Souljah for making remarks "filled with hatred" towards whites. 1994 A jury in Anchorage, Alaska, found Exxon Corp. and Captain Joseph Hazelwood to be reckless in the Exxon Valdez oil spill. 1995 France announced that they would conduct eight more nuclear tests in the South Pacific. 2000 In Pyongyang, North Korea's leader Kim Jong Il welcomed South Korea's President Kim Dae for a three-day summit. It was the first such meeting between the leaders of North and South Korea. 2020 Do smiled. |
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