Good Morning, Do! Today is Thursday, May 12 ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Drug Suspect Told Florida Police That His Name Was "Tyler Durden" __________________________________________________ On May 12 in 1949, The Soviet Union announced an end to the Berlin Blockade. _____________________________________________________ Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. --- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001) Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. --- Anonymous ____________________________________________________ A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?" "I'm afraid I can't, Sister." "Do you have any close relatives, then?" "Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun." "Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God." "Okay," the man said with a smile, "in that case, send the bill to my brother-in-law." ___________________________________________________ if you can spare a coin, please hit paypal with it! ___________________________________________________ Dear Webby: Thankyou so much for sending me the Humour Letter each and every day. I have enjoyed it immensely and have had more than one chuckle while reading it and having my morning coffee. I love the way you have started to personalized it, by adding one or more names of the subscribers into the jokes, and can often be caught thinking "Would I REALLY say that?" Answer is "Probably, I'm a blonde, so nothing is impossible." Keep up the good work, and here is a joke submission for you. It's a bit lengthy, but you may be able to modify it. It is a conversation between God and Moses regarding the computer. Jaye MOSES AND THE COMPUTER "Excuse me, Sir? "Is that you again, Moses?" "I'm afraid it is, Sir." "What is it this time, Moses. More computer Problems?" "How did you guess?" "I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?" "Oh, yeah. I forgot." "Tell Me what you want, Moses." "But you already know. Remember?" "Moses!" "Sorry Sir." "Well, go ahead Moses. Spit it out!" "Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten things you sent me?" "You mean the Commandments, Moses?" "That's it, I was wondering if they were important." "What do you mean 'were important,' Moses? Of course they are important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you." "Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course You would see right through that." "What do you mean 'you lost them?" Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?" "No, Sir, I forgot." "Well, My Son always saves, Moses." "Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though." "And did you hear back from any of them?" "You already know I did....What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not?' Can he change the words a little bit?" "Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning." "And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions, or letting people pick one or two to try for awhile?" "Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that." "I think that means, 'No', well then, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?" "I think that is SPAMMING, Moses." "Oh, yeah. I emailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer." "...and what did he say?" "You know what he said! He used your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those plagues and that's the reason I lost those ten things, do you?" "They're called VIRUSES, Moses." "Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but I never lost them." "We'll do it the new way, Moses." "I was afraid you'd say that Sir." "Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?" "You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer." "It's a mouse, Moses. MOUSE! MOUSE! And did you do that?" "No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than You, and I really like Your hours. By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?" "No, Moses." "One other thing, why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice, because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?" "I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a beatnik if you want to." "Oh that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, Sir? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named one of the computers 'Apple'?" "Say Goodnight Moses." "Wait a minute, Sir. I am stretching out the mouse and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back. "Which ones are they Moses?" "Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'" "Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets. How does 'Same Day Air' sound?" ____________________________________________________   Alberta Fox ___________________________________________________ A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another male chauvinist pig trying to keep suppressing the independence of a woman by implying she is obligated to be grateful for a lousy seat", and she pushes him back onto the seat. A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.Finally, the man says, "Lady, you'll have to go molest somebody else now. I'm two miles past my stop already and got to get off the bus." ____________________________________________________ A man and woman are having marriage problems, and decide to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalize their break-up. The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?" The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing." The wife says, "Six and a half weeks." ___________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Todd Michael Burns, 44, Dunedin, Florida, USA  Drug Suspect Told Florida Police That His Name Was "Tyler Durden"  During a vehicle stop late Sunday night in Dunedin, a Gulf Coast city, Florida cops discovered a 9mm handgun, ammunition, and a trafficking amount of narcotics inside the auto. Since the gun and the drugs--heroin, cocaine, methamphetamine, marijuana, and Xanax--appeared to belong to a male passenger, Pinellas County Sheriffs Office deputies asked the man to identify himself. In response, the suspect provided the name Tyler Durden, according to an arrest report. Apparently unaware that Durden was a character in the 1999 film Fight Club, cops ran the handle through a police database and were unable to locate a subject by that name. Using a fingerprint scanner, police subsequently identified the passenger as Todd Michael Burns, 44, whose rap sheet includes numerous drug convictions, as well as convictions for grand theft, disorderly conduct, violating probation, and carrying a concealed weapon. Seen above, Burns is currently on probation for a 2019 conviction for meth possession. He is also facing burglary and grand theft charges in another Florida county. After Burnss identity was confirmed by cops, he reportedly admitted to giving a false name due to not knowing why he was being arrested. Locked up in the county jail, Burns is facing an assortment of felony drug and weapons charges, as well as a misdemeanor count for providing a false name to law enforcement.  ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________  DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Edith Re: Is this a scam? Dear Webby Got an email that might be too good to be true: "Dear Friend. I am Mr. Godwin Emefiele, the current executive governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN). I am please to inform you..." Edith  Dear Edith No need to read further than that. That is a typical 419 scam. Just trash it. 419 is the paragraph number for "Advance Pay" scams. They want you to send money to them first, or give them bank info, that they can use to steal money from you. You can send your list of evil insults to them, or just trash their mail. Have FUN! DearWebby ______________________________________________________ 
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 _____________________________________________ One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "Called in SICK yesterday!" There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!" ______________________________________________ Thanks to Priti for these: BOY: Since we met, I can't eat or drink... GIRL: Why not? BOY: You keep me broke. GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring? BOY: Sure, what's your phone number? BOY: I would go to the end of the world for you! GIRL: Yes, but would you stay there? ______________________________________________ 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 Thanks to Leroy for this one: Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy. "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction." Just then the Indian raises his head and says: "White Ford Pick-Up, 4 people in front, a dozen in the back, big party" "Wow, you can tell all that by listening to the ground ?" "Nah, got too drunk, fell off the back." (Leroy was the one who fell off) ___________________________________________________  
 Today, May 12, in 1588, King Henry III fled Paris after Henry of Guise triumphantly entered the city. 1780, Charleston, South Carolina fell to British forces. 1847, William Clayton invented the odometer. 1870, Manitoba entered the Confederation as a Canadian province. 1881, Tunisia, in North Africa became a French protectorate. 1885, In the Battle of Batoche, French Canadians rebelled against the Canadian government. 1888, Charles Sherrill of the Yale track team became the first runner to use the crouching start for a fast break in a foot race. 1926, The airship Norge became the first vessel to fly over the North Pole. 1926, In Britain, a general strike by trade unions ended. The strike began on May 3, 1926. 1937, Britain's King George VI was crowned at Westminster Abbey. 1940, The Nazi conquest of France began with the German army crossing Muese River. 1942, The Soviet Army launched its first major offensive of World War II and took Kharkiv in the eastern Ukraine from the German army. 1943, The Axis forces in North Africa surrendered during World War II. 1949, The Soviet Union announced an end to the Berlin Blockade. 1950, The American Bowling Congress abolished its white males-only membership restriction after 34 years. 1957, A.J. Foyt won his first auto racing victory in Kansas City, MO. 1965, West Germany and Israel exchanged letters establishing diplomatic relations. 1975, U.S. merchant ship Mayaguez was seized by Cambodian forces in international waters. 1978, The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration announced that they would no longer exclusively name hurricanes after women. 1982, South Africa unveiled a plan that would give voting rights to citizens of Asian and mixed-race descent, but not to blacks. 1984, South African prisoner Nelson Mandela saw his wife for the first time in 22 years. 1999, Russian President Boris Yeltsin dismissed Prime Minister Yevgeny Primakov and named Interior Minister Sergei Stepashin as his successor. 2002, Former U.S. President Carter arrived in Cuba for a visit with Fidel Castro. It was the first time a U.S. head of state, in or out of office, had gone to the island since Castro's 1959 revolution. 2003, In Texas, fifty-nine Democratic lawmakers went into hiding over a dispute with Republican's over a congressional redistricting plan. 2015, It was announced that Verizon would be acquiring AOL. 2022 Do smiled. 

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!