Good Morning, Do! Today is Saturday, December 29 Today's Bonehead Award:  ______________________________________________________ Today, December 29 in 1813 The British burned Buffalo, NY, during the War of 1812. More of today in history at History ______________________________________________________ 
 If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
 
  
 O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. --- Saint Augustine (354 AD - 430 AD) The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. --- Arthur C. Clarke "So they've got us surrounded, good! Now we can fire in any direction, those bastards won't get away this time!" --- General Lewis "Chesty" Puller, USMC ______________________________________________________ It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order. As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor. "They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!" ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!  ______________________________________________________ Some Boy Scouts from the big city were on a camping trip for the first time. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. Now they're coming after us with flashlights!" _____________________________________________________   ______________________________________________________ College student: "Hey, Dad! I've got some great news for you!" Father: "What, son?" College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?" Father: "I certainly do." College student: "Well, you get to keep it!" ______________________________________________________   _____________________________________________________ 
 If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!  Thanks for your votes!
 ___________________________________________________   An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Jess Evans, 26 Oswestry, Shropshire, Britain  Mum realises far too late that daughter's advent calendar is meant for cats  A mum is in the dog house with her daughter after buying her an advent calendar that was actually meant for cats. The problem is, it took Jess Evans, 26, 11 whole days to realise that instead of eating chocolate Alissa, 9, had been chomping down on catnip. The little girl endured four days of the green-tinged treats before refusing to eat anymore, but Jess assumed she was just being picky. The mum-of-three was horrified when she turned the 1.99 Garfield calendar over only to discover the 'apple flavoured chocolates' were in fact yoghurt and catnip delicacies for cats. Jess, from Oswestry, Shropshire, said: 'I was in shock and felt like the worst mother ever when I realised I'd bought her a calendar for cats. Alissa had said they looked a bit green but I thought they were probably just apple-flavoured ones and didn't think anything of it. 'She said they tasted a bit strange, but hadn't said they were horrible, so I just forgot about it. 'Alissa hadn't been eating them for a few days and when I asked why she brought the box over to me. 'I remember thinking they did look a funny shade of green and didn't have a chocolatey smell. 'When I turned the calendar over and read that it was yoghurt and catnip flavour I couldn't believe it and that it had taken 11 days for us to notice.' Jess had picked the advent calender up while out shopping with Alissa and her younger sisters Alexis Davies-Evans, three, and 11-month-old Aurora Davies-Evans in the Oswestry branch of B&M. Assuming the advent calendars on display were all for children she quickly scanned the shelves, picked up the Garfield one and added it to the trolley after getting Alissa's nod of approval. Jess said: 'When I looked at the box I couldn't believe it. I have a degree in English literature and creative writing but still couldn't read a calendar and it had taken me 11 days to realise. 'Once she got over the shock she found the funny side of it. Thankfully she's absolutely fine and I've checked online that she will be ok. 'I'm going to give the calendar to my friend for her cat.' Jess has vowed to get another advent calendar for Alissa and will bring 27-year-old lawn specialist fianc Sean Davies along to ensure she snaps up a chocolate one. Jess said: 'I'll definitely be getting Sean to come with me to get one, it definitely has to be a really good one, otherwise knowing my luck I'll end up buying one for dogs this time.'  
 In response to complaints by Rev. Sharpton and Jesse Jackson that there are not enough illegal immigrants appearing on TV, the Network has decided that in the future " America's Most Wanted".... will be shown 'TWICE' weekly.  From: BroJoe Re: IE enforced my Microsoft  Dear Webby, Your thoughts on this, please. BroJoe (.... a whole bunch of incorrect drivel from Microsoft sheep Erin at worldstart...)  Dear BroJoe That is pure BS. We, amongst many others like the US Department of Defense banned IE from all of our computers. The writer of that lame drivel seems to be a particularly dumb sheep. To block IE you do NOT disable automatic updates and patches. You get the IE Blocker from my toolbox at http://webby.com/tools, or search for it at Microsoft, but you don't turn off automatic updates to Windows! You can use about 50 other browsers. There is absolutely no need for IE. Even Microsoft has given up on it and came out with BING. Have FUN! DearWebby  
  Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. 
 Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change." Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes." "You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes." 
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
 
  
 >From Hilda Last October, after much deliberation, I bought a magnolia tree from our local nursery. After only a few weeks I noticed that the leaves had started to shrivel and the tree appeared to be on its last legs in spite of my tender care. So I took some leaf samples and marched back to the nursery to demand an explanation or get my money back. "I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager. "Good!" I exclaimed. "What's it suffering from?" You can imagine how stupid I felt when he said, "Autumn." ___________________________________________________  Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com Serving Food at Parties  Put food out in smaller batches and replace it as it runs out. That way, the first food is just as good as the last. If food needs to be left out for long periods of time, make sure it is properly cooled or kept warm using either ice or warming trays. Thriftyfun.com You got a month and a hyalf to plan and practise! ____________________________________________________   
 
 
Trucks can twerk! Your Daily Dose of Internet 
 ___________________________________________________ While hiking in the country, my friend Eve and I spotted a huge bed of mushrooms that we knew to be edible. We gathered a large basketful and sauteed them that night. My husband Phil refused to eat them, thinking they might be poisonous. Two weeks later, Eve and I gathered some more mushrooms. This time, Phil joined us. "How is it that you're eating these mushrooms tonight," I asked, "when you wouldn't touch the ones we brought home two weeks ago? What changed your mind?" "I thought about it," Phil explained seriously, "and I figured it would be better to be found dead with you two than to try to explain two dead women in my home." ___________________________________________________ A traveling salesman stops at a farm house and is talking with the farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt and suspenders. He says, "What the heck is that all about?" The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed, so my wife made him clothes to keep him warm. You think he looks funny now, you should see him try to hold a hen down with one foot and get his pants off with the other!" ___________________________________________________ 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 A burglar needing money to pay his income taxes decided to burgle the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading, "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob." He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging. As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning "Can't trust nobody no more!" ___________________________________________________  
 Today December 29 in 1170 St. Thomas Becket, the 40th archbishop of Canterbury, was murdered in his own cathedral by four knights acting on Henry II's orders. 1812 The USS Constitution won a battle with the British ship HMS Java about 30 miles off the coast of Brazil. Before Commodore William Bainbridge ordered the sinking of the Java he had her wheel removed to replace the one the Constitution had lost during the battle. 1813 The British burned Buffalo, NY, during the War of 1812. 1837 Canadian militiamen destroyed the Caroline, a U.S. steamboat docked at Buffalo, NY. 1848 U.S. President James Polk turned on the first gas light at the White House. 1860 The HMS Warrior, Britain's first seagoing iron-hulled warship, was launched. 1888 The first performance of Macbeth took place at the Lyceum Theatre. 1890 The U.S. Seventh Cavalry massacred over 400 men, women and children at Wounded Knee Creek, SD. This was the last major conflict between Indians and U.S. troops. 1895 The Jameson Raid from Mafikeng into Transvaal, which attempted to overthrow Kruger's Boer government, started. 1911 Sun Yat-sen became the first president of a republican China. 1913 "The Unwelcome Throne" was released by Selig's Polyscope Company. This was a moving picture and the first serial motion picture. 1934 The first regular-season, college basketball game was played at Madison Square Garden in New York City. New York University defeated Notre Dame 25-18. 1934 Japan renounced the Washington Naval Treaty of 1922 and the London Naval Treaty of 1930. 1940 During World War II, Germany began dropping incendiary bombs on London. 1945 The mystery voice of Mr. Hush was heard for the first time on the radio show, "Truth or Consequences", hosted by Ralph Edwards. 1945 Sheb Wooley recorded the first commercial record made in Nashville, TN. 1949 KC2XAK of Bridgeport, Connecticut became the first ultrahigh frequency (UHF) television station to begin operating on a regular daily schedule. 1952 The first transistorized hearing aid was offered for sale by Sonotone Corporation. 1972 Following 36 years of publication, the last weekly issue of "LIFE" magazine hit the newsstands. The magazine later became a monthly publication. 1975 A bomb exploded in the main terminal of New York's LaGuardia Airport. 11 people were killed. 1985 Phil Donahue and a Soviet radio commentator hosted the "Citizens' Summit" via satellite TV. 1986 The Biltmore Hotel in Coral Gables, FL, reopened for business after eighteen years and $47 million expended on restoration. 1989 Following Hong Kong's decision to forcibly repatriate some Vietnamese refugees, thousands of Vietnamese 'boat people' battled with riot police. 1989 Vaclav Havel was elected president of Czechoslovakia by the country's Federal Assembly. He was the first non-Communist to hold the position in more than four decades. 1996 The Guatemalan government and leaders of the leftist Guatemalan National Revolutionary Union signed a peace accord in Guatemala City, ending a civil war that had lasted 36 years. 1997 Hong Kong began killing 1.25 million chickens, the entire population, for fear of the spread of 'bird flu.' 1998 Khmer Rouge leaders apologized for the 1970s genocide in Cambodia that claimed 1 million lives. 1999 The Nasdaq composite index closed at 4,041.46. It was the first close above 4,000. 2018 Do smiled. 
 

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!

ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them
in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog