Good Morning, Do, Today is Tuesday, February 27 Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Rich widow pleads for drunk-drive ban to be lifted because her driveway is 'too long' Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, February 27 in 1861 In Warsaw, Russian troops fired on a crowd protesting Russian rule over Poland. Five protesting marchers were killed in the incident. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes. --- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900) Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. --- Jules Renard It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up, because by that time I was too famous. --- Robert Benchley ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left. Later, the wife's roommate commented: "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine." ______________________________________________________ I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day the dog arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with 10 children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Wish it was that easy for me!" _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ Mauritius _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ Two guys are walking down the street and one is telling the other how he hates Slobovians, but when they turn the corner there is a Slobovian organ grinder with a little monkey holding a tin cup. The guy who hates Slobovians puts some coins in the monkey's cup. When they walk away his friend says, "I thought you hated Slobovians yet you gave him money?" He answers, "Yes, but they are so cute when they are little." _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Barbara Woodward, 56, Chelford, Cheshire, England Rich widow pleads for drunk-drive ban to be lifted as her driveway is 'too long' Whining Barbara Woodward also asked to be spared doing unpaid work claiming it would 'put her in an alien surrounding', since she has never worked in her life. There was laughter in court when Barbara Woodward's lawyer insisted she would struggle to walk just a quarter of a mile from her mansion to the main road. Woodward also asked to be spared doing unpaid work claiming it would put her in an alien surrounding'' as she never worked in her life and warned it would make her feel uncomfortable and out of her depth.'' JPs found her guilty of drunk-driving and banned her for two years but spared her the customarily assessed unpaid community work, since it would be undue hardship for others to have to put up with her whining. Her huge mansion appears to have annexes for servants, gardeners, drivers, etc. Having a servant drive her to tennis and shopping does not appear to be a problem. Woodward, of Chelford, Cheshire, was three times over the limit in her 79,000 ($110,858.68 USD)Mercedes G-class 4x4 two days after her lawyer husband's funeral. Staff at a petrol station called police after she slurred her words and stumbled when buying sparkling wine at 9am. Woodward, who had denied drink-driving, was also ordered to complete a 12-month community order, fined 560 ($785.87 USD) and must pay 705 ($989.32 USD) in costs and surcharges. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Sue Re: Is it spam or scam? Dear Webby, I have rcvd e-mail from a credit card company----may or may not be valid----would like to forward to you for your opinion....i would prefer to forward WITH PERMISSION. Am not concerned so much with critters imbedded or or or....am more concerned 1)that it is bogus and 2)someone ELSE might fall into the trap----you have a tremendous following and could potentially help a buncha dolts and not just me........and no-----I am not just pandering to your ego----you are highly rated for a good reason. Thanks in advance Sue Dear Sue When in doubt, trash it. There is always more spam and scam coming. If you forward it to me, most likely my MailWasher will recognize it as a scam and trash it, unseen. With anything credit card related: If it tells you to stop by your local bank, or log into your online account, then it's legit. If it asks for ANY input whatsoever, then it's a bunch of Pelosi. Feel free to enter the name and info of your favorite politician, but never anything related to you, especially not bank account or PIN numbers. Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. A man is at Grand Central Station waiting for his train that leaves at 6 p.m., but he has forgotten his watch. So he looks for someone to ask the time. He spots a guy carrying two suitcases and sporting this fabulous hi-tech watch, so he asks him for the time. The guy replies "Sure, which country?" The fella asks, "How many countries have you got?" to which the man replies, "All the countries in the world!" "Wow! That's a pretty cool watch you've got there." "That's nothing," the man says. "This watch also has a GPS facility, fax, e-mail and can even receive NTSC television channels and display them on its miniature active color pixel LCD screen!" "Boy, that's incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one. You wouldn't consider selling it by any chance?" "Well, actually the novelty has worn off for me, so for $900, if you want it, it's yours." The watchless traveler can hardly whip out his checkbook fast enough to hand over a check for $900. The seller takes off the watch and gives it to him. "Congratulations, here is you new hi-tech watch." Then, handing the two suitcases over as well, he says, "And here are the batteries." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Taxiing down the tarmac, the Delta jet abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," she explained. "Oh, and it took a while to fix it," said the passenger. "Not exactly." replied the stewardess, "It just took us a bit to find a deaf pilot." ---------------------- I had a ticket to fly to Nashville, Tennessee on Sept 12, 2001 Well, because of some Mooselims using jets to murder over 3000 people, nobody was allowed to fly anywhere on Sept 12. On Sept 13, Canada opened up the airports again and I got booked on a similar flight. I got onto the plane, a different seat than expected, but I got on. And sat for about 2 hours waiting for the take-off. They make you keep the seats upright, in the most uncomfortable position, while waiting on the tarmack. The pilot had gotten cold feet and had chickened out. They had to find a different pilot, who was not such a coward. Naturally, by the time I got to Toronto, the plane to Tennessee had left. I asked Karma to retaliate and hoped the air line fired the chicken! I had to overnight in Toronto and send the Humor Letter out the hard way. The next morning I found out that my Carry-On, with the laptop inside, was not allowed on board. Then I almost had a heart attack watching some big bozo slam my carry-on UPSIDE DOWN onto the hard roller at the bottom of the conveyor up to the cargo hatch of the plane, and even turn and grin. He was proud of himself! I was standing at the entrance of the plane and I guess I must have shrieked or cussed. Thhe stewardess standing there slowing down the line into the plane, explained to me that putting the luggage on upside down was the rule, so that it would not roll off the conveyor belt. That was no excuse though for slamming it onto the hard bottom roller, and I did not enjoy the flight at all. Everybody else on the plane was worried about Mooselims trying to take over the jet. I was fretting about my laptop and was more than ready to inflict very gross violence on anybody trying to annoy me just one hair more. They let me off the plane first because I bulldozed past the people, who were getting their stuff from the overhead bins. My carry-on came onto the carousel shortly after I got there. I opened it up right there, opened the laptop and hit the button. It came up just fine. Phew!!! Thank you Lord! So I zipped up the carry-on and strode out of the totally empty airport. No other planes had arrived yet or were scheduled to leave, and nobody from the jet I arrived in, had walked as fast as I did. The empty and totally silent airport echoed and amplified my steps like it was a horror movie. Spooky! Once I was out, had gotten my pre-ordered rental car, and was on the freeway South I finally relaxed. ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Plastic Cutting Boards for Meat When cutting meat, use a plastic cutting board instead of a wood one. It is much easier to clean bacteria from a plastic cutting board than it is from wood, which will also need to be reseasoned after cleaning. After using a cutting board for meat, wash it well (or wash it in the dishwasher) before using it again to avoid transfering bacteria to other food items. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com When your plastic cutting board gets too marked up from sharp knifes, you can scrape it with a long straight butcher knife or a wide putty knife or spatula that has been square trimmed for scraping. To square trim a putty knife, clamp a file into a vise or a partially opend drawer, and rub the putty knife at a right angle to the file against the serrations. Instead of a thin knife type edge, you will get a flat edge with very sharp corners. A square trimmed putty knife also works very well for scraping glue or paint off a desk or for preparing furniture for painting. You can trim a fuzzy cutting board to smooth as new very quickly with a square trimmed putty knife. Hold it at nearly right angle to the board and PULL it towards you. Never push it, just scrape towards you. If there are deep cuts, rotate the board after a few scrapes so that you are scraping in a different direction. That helps to avoid low spots. Have FUN! DearWebby ____________________________________________________ A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is." Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one. "No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas, " he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' by my climbing spurs upside down from a telephone pole in a thunderstorm." ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ | Today, February 27, in 1700 The Pacific Island of New Britain was discovered. 1801 The city of Washington, DC, was placed under congressional jurisdiction. 1827 New Orleans held its first Mardi Gras celebration. 1861 In Warsaw, Russian troops fired on a crowd protesting Russian rule over Poland. Five protesting marchers were killed in the incident. 1867 Dr. William G. Bonwill invented the dental mallet. 1883 Oscar Hammerstein patented the first cigar-rolling machine. 1896 The "Charlotte Observer" published a picture of an X-ray photograph made by Dr. H.L. Smith. The photograph showed a perfect picture of all the bones of a hand and a bullet that Smith had placed between the third and fourth fingers in the palm. 1900 In South Africa, the British received an unconditional surrender from Boer Gen. Piet Cronje at Paardeberg. 1922 The U.S. Supreme Court upheld the 19th Amendment that guaranteed women the right to vote. 1933 The Reichstag, Germany's parliament building in Berlin, was set afire. The Nazis accused Communists for the fire. 1939 The U.S. Supreme Court outlawed sit-down strikes. 1949 Chaim Weizmann became the first Israeli president. 1951 The 22nd Amendment to the U.S. Constitution was ratified, limiting U.S. Presidents to two terms. 1972 The Shanghai Communique was issued by U.S. President Nixon and Chinese Premier Chou En-lai. 1973 The American Indian Movement occupied Wouned Knee in South Dakota. 1974 "People" magazine was first issued by Time-Life (later known as Time-Warner). 1981 Chrysler Corporation was granted an additional $400 million in federal loan guarantees. Chrysler had posted a loss of $1.7 billion in 1980. 1982 Wayne B. Williams was convicted of murdering two of the 28 black children and young adults whose bodies were found in Atlanta, GA, over a two-year period. 1986 The U.S. Senate approved the telecast of its debates on a trial basis. 1990 The Exxon Corporation and Exxon Shipping were indicted on five criminal counts in reference to the 1989 Exxon Valdez oil spill. 1991 U.S. President George H.W. Bush announced live on television that "Kuwait is liberated." 1997 In Ireland, divorce became legal. 1998 Britain's House of Lords agreed to give a monarch's first-born daughter the same claim to the throne as any first-born son. This was the end to 1,000 years of male preference. 1999 Colin Prescot and Andy Elson set a new hot air balloon endurance record when they had been aloft for 233 hours and 55 minutes. The two were in the process of trying to circumnavigate the Earth. 1999 Nigeria returned to civilian rule when Gen. Olusegun Obasanjo became the country's first elected president since August of 1983. 2002 In Boston, twenty people working at Logan International Airport were charged with lying to get their jobs or security badges. 2018 Do smiled. |
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