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___________________________________________________ History: on this day, December 17, in 1973, Johnny Carson started a fake toilet-paper scare on the "Tonight Show." ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award: LASD deputy accused of having sex on duty, accidentally broadcasting it across LA airwaves _____________________________________________________ Q Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand. --- Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) If you cannot convince them, confuse them. --- Harry S Truman (1884 - 1972) ____________________________________________________ A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache. Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it. The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of gas and the anesthetic nurse had to bean him with the fire extinguisher." __________________________________________________ "I see you bought a new car. What's the make?" "A Perndle." "I've never heard of a Perndle before." "Me neither, but that's what it says, right over the steering wheel: P-R-N-D-L." ------------ Some day, I hope to buy one of those PRNDL vehicles too! A 5 speed manual and pre-CO2 mania engine makes it hard to resist speeding tickets, but I can't afford those anymore anyway. __________________________________________________ An International Bonehead Award has been earned by Rookie Cop, Los Angeles, California, USA LASD deputy accused of having sex on duty, accidentally broadcasting it across LA airwaves A rookie LA County Sheriff's deputy is under investigation for, apparently, having sex on the job, and accidentally broadcasting it across LASD airwaves. The sheriff's department told TMZ that a rookie officer was working at the men's central jail when she allegedly went out to a parking garage but accidentally turned on her radio. In audio obtained by TMZ, you can hear a woman's voice giggling and moaning, as dispatch tries to tell the officer that her mic is open. "95-ocean you have an open mic," the dispatch officer continues to repeat. "Secure mic." ___________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 12 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror. "There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 1 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything." Both were excused. ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ A nursery school teacher was telling her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free." One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said "I'm not free!" Taken aback by the boy's positive attitude, she said, "well, at your age I will admit that you are not allowed to do anything you want, but what I meant is that your family can do anything that is legal. Now, do you understand that you are free?" "No -- I'm NOT free," he said looking up defiantly, "I'm four!" ___________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ The Father, passing through the son's college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy. Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window. "Whattya want?" "Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father. "Yeah!", replied the voice. "Just dump him on the front porch as usual. We will hose him down and drag him in in the morning." _______________________________________________ A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law and was surprised to find his young nephew, Timmy, helping them bake the cupcakes. After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Timmy to put the icing on. When he had finished, he brought them to the table. "The cupcakes look delicious, Tim." his uncle said. He took a bite while looking at the other cupcakes. "Timmy these are so good." As he finished one and took another he again complimented his little nephew. "The cupcakes look beautiful, Tim," his uncle said. "How did you get them iced so evenly?" And he took a large bite while waiting for the answer. His nephew replied, "I licked them." __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ The FDA just approved a new drug for obesity; they say it causes modest weight loss when combined with diet and exercise. Of course, Twinkies combined with diet and exercise do the same thing, ________________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Jane Re: Is Microsoft email legit? Dear Webby I got this email, purportedly from Microsoft, "Hello, Youre receiving this email because we are updating the Microsoft Services Agreement, which applies to one or more Microsoft products or services you use. Blah, Blah, Blah" To me, that smells like a stinky scam. What do you recommend? Jane Dear Jane I got it too. Mailwasher flags it as spam/scam. Actually, I have gotten it before. It is an old scam, that is phishing your data. Don't click on it or anything in it. just send it to hell, where it belongs. Originally those spams just went to Outlook users, because they were deemed the most gullible, and because Outlook apparently was hacked again. Just dump it. Have FUN DearWebby _____________________________________________________ A guy goes to the Patents Office with some designs. He tells the clerk. "I'd like to register my new invention, a folding bottle." "Oh sure says the clerk, "what do you call it?" "A fottle," says the inventor "That's a silly name., can you think of anything else?" "I'll think about it," says the inventor. I've got something else here a folding carton "And what do you call that?", asks the clerk. "A farton." "Thats rude....You can't possibly use that name!" "Gee" says Inventor, "then you're really going to HATE the name of my folding bucket!" ____________________________________________________ Today, December 19 in 1154, Henry II became King of England. 1562, The Battle of Dreux was fought between the Huguenots and the Catholics, beginning the French Wars of Religion. 1732, Benjamin Franklin began publishing "Poor Richard's Almanac." 1776, Thomas Paine published his first "American Crisis" essay. 1777, General George Washington led his army of about 11,000 men to Valley Forge, PA, to camp for the winter. 1842, Hawaii's independence was recognized by the U.S. 1843, Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol" was first published in England. 1871, Corrugated paper was patented by Albert L. Jones. 1887, Jake Kilrain and Jim Smith fought in a bare knuckles fight which lasted 106 rounds and 2 hours and 30 minutes. The fight was ruled a draw and was halted due to darkness. 1903, The Williamsburg Bridge opened in New York City. It opened as the largest suspension bridge on Earth and remained the largest until 1924. It was also the first major suspension bridge to use steel towers to support the main cable. 1907, A coalmine explosion in Jacobs Creek, PA, killed 239 workers. 1917, The first games of the new National Hockey League (NHL) were played. Five teams made up the league: Toronto Arenas, Ottawa Senators, Quebec Bulldogs, the Montreal Canadiens and the Montreal Wanderers. 1918, Robert Ripley began his "Believe It or Not" column in "The New York Globe". 1932, The British Broadcasting Corp. began transmitting overseas with its "Empire Service" to Australia. 1957, Meredith Wilsons "The Music Man" opened at the Majestic Theatre in New York City. It ran for 1,375 shows. 1957, Air service between London and Moscow was inaugurated. 1959, Penn States Nittany Lions beat Alabama, 7-0, in the first Liberty Bowl football game. 1959, Walter Williams died in Houston, TX, at the age of 117. He was said to be the last surviving veteran of the U.S. Civil War. 1961, "Judgment At Nuremberg" opened in New York City. 1972, Apollo 17 splashed down in the Pacific, ending the Apollo program of manned lunar landings. 1973, Johnny Carson started a fake toilet-paper scare on the "Tonight Show." 1978, Indira Gandhi was expelled from the Lok Sabha for contempt and imprisoned. 1979, ESPN televised its first NHL game. The teams were the Washington Capitals and the Hartford Whalers. 1984, Wayne Gretzky, 23, of the Edmonton Oilers, became only the 18th player in the National Hockey League (NHL) to score more than 1,000 points. 1984, Britain and China signed an accord returning Hong Kong to Chinese sovereignty on July 1, 1997. 1985, Jan Stenerud announced his retirement from the NFL. The football kicker held the record for the most career field goals with 373. 1985, ABC Sports announced that it was severing ties with Howard Cosell and released The Mouth from all TV commitments. Cosell continued on ABC Radio for another five years. 1986, The Soviet Union announced it had freed dissident Andrei Sakharov from internal exile, and pardoned his wife, Yelena Bonner. 1989, U.S. troops invaded Panama to overthrow the regime of General Noriega. 1996, The school board of Oakland, CA, voted to recognize Black English, also known as "ebonics." The board later reversed its stance. 1997, "Titanic" opened in American movie theaters. 1998, U.S. President Bill Clinton was impeached on two charges of perjury and obstruction of justice by the U.S. House of Representatives. 1998, A four-day bombing of Iraq by British and American forces ended. 2000, The U.N. Security Council voted to impose sanctions on Afghanistan's Taliban rulers unless they closed all terrorist training camps and surrender U.S. embassy bombing suspect Osama bin Laden. 2003, Images for the new design for the Freedom Tower at the World Trade Center site were released. The building slopes into a spire that reaches 1,776 feet. 2008, U.S. President George W. Bush signed a $17.4 billion rescue package of loans for ailing auto makers General Motors and Chrysler. 2022 Do smiled.
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