Good Morning, Do! Today is Thursday, July 7 ___________________________________________________ History on this day, July 7, in 1994, Amazon.com, Inc. was founded in Seattle, Washington under the name "Cadabra." ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Virginia wannabe mass shooters arrested __________________________________________________ Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories - those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost. --- Russell Baker (1925 - ) Every generation laughs at the old fashions, --- Henry David Thoreau (1817 - 1862) _________________________________________________ * Kitchen closed - this chick (or dude?) has had it! * Martha Stewart doesn't live here!! * I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat, too! * Ring Bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself! * You may touch the dust in this house, but please don't write in it! * If you write in the dust, please don't date it. * I would cook dinner, but I can't find the can opener! * I came, I saw, I decided to order take out. * If you don't like my standards of cooking, lower your standards. * A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious. * Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out. * Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. * My house was clean last week; too bad you missed it! __________________________________________________ >From Terri I was shopping in an arts and crafts store, where a friend of mine worked, for a gift for my niece. She had taken an interest in oil painting and I planned to purchase a beginner set of paints and brushes. My friend was at the cash register when I was checking out. I hadn't seen her for a few weeks and had started a diet in the meantime, having moderate success. She asked me if I had gotten thinner. I was thrilled that it showed already and replied that I had lost a few pounds. She rolled her eyes and said, "I meant paint thinner." __________________________________________________ >Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Julio Alvarado-Dubon, 52, Rolman A. Balacarcel, 38, Richmond, Virginia, USA Virginia wannabe mass shooters arrested Richmond Police said two non-U.S. citizens have been arrested after officers received a tip about a planned July 4 mass shooting. During the Wednesday news conference, police announced the arrest of 52-year-old Julio Alvarado-Dubon and 38-year-old Rolman A. Balacarcel. Authorities said both men are non- U.S. residents and each face the charge of "non U.S. citizen possession of a firearm." Additional charges are likely, Richmond Police Chief Gerald Smith said. Authorities announced Wednesday that officers found and recovered two rifles, a handgun, a cache of magazines and 223 rounds of ammunition from Dubon's home. Dubon is accused of planning a mass shooting at Dogwood Dell, an outdoor amphitheater in the city of Richmond, police shared. Smith said that a citizen tip helped police make multiple arrests and seize guns on July 1. After receiving a tip about the shooting plot, police initiated an investigation along with the U.S. Department of Homeland Security and FBI. "They were planning to shoot up our fourth of July celebration," Smith said. A "hero citizen" overheard a conversation indicating there was an attack being planned on the city's popular Independence Day celebration and called police to report it, Smith said. The announcement came just two days after a gunman opened fire from a rooftop on a July 4 parade in the affluent Chicago suburb of Highland Park, killing seven people and injuring more than three dozen. ___________________________________________________ Weird Sex Laws. [Now I don't know how many of these are still being enforced, but I am going to be a lot more careful when traveling in the USA in the future!] In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth. Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms. Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!) In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds! The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts. An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer! A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts. In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job -- for men only - - called a corset inspector.) However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male." It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate. Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. (Now you know why the Ladies of the night in Montana are wearing steel toe work boots and where the slander "Your Mama wears Army boots" comes from! ) Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term. In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in. A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons. Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio -- a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!" No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed. ___________________________________________________ The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the pleads of one Senora Rodriguez that her husband be released from the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?" asked the Governor gently. "For stealing bread," replied the offender's wife, nervously fingering her mantilla. "Is he a good husband?" "No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful, and really not much good at all." "It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?" "Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again." __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, please hit paypal with it! ___________________________________________________ You Might Be a Redneck If... * You trim your beard and find a French fry. * You use a piece of bread as a napkin. * You wear overalls to save on the cost of shirts and underwear. * Your birth announcements included the words "rug rat". * Your car alarm eats dog food. * Your car burns more oil than gas. * Your flashlight holds more than four batteries. * Your horse can count higher than you. * Your idea of cleaning is throwing everything in the back yard. * Your property has ever been mistaken for a recycling center. * Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom. * Your underwear doubles as swimming trunks. * Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse. * You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately. * You view duct tape as a long-term investment. * You've ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop. * You have to take the entire day off to get your teeth cleaned. * You've ever lost your wife in a poker game. * You bought a VCR to record Rasslin' while you're at work. * Red Man chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card. * You've ever stolen a bulldozer. * All of your four-letter words are two syllables. * You cut your toenails in front of company. * You've ever been too drunk to fish. * You think women are turned on by animal sounds. * You think women are turned on by tongue gestures. * You have to dress the kids up to go to WalMart. * You grow a beard because hey, it looks good on your sister. * You've ever been blacklisted from a bowling alley. * You know how many bales of hay your car can hold. * You made a hot tub with a trolling motor. * You have a tattoo that says "Mother" and its spelled wrong. * Your satellite dish payments delays buying back-to- school clothes for the kids. * Your sister's child looks just like you. * You've ever given rat traps as a gift. * Your stereo speakers used to belong to the drive-in theater. * The Home Shopping Club operator recognizes your voice. * You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow. * In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you start eating Spam Lite. How many of those do you check? You don't have to tell me which ones, just how many! ____________________________________________________ Akini Peters Great Grey Owl hunting at dusk, West of Calgary, Alberta ___________________________________________________ One day as I fished on the sea A mermaid came visiting me Though just right on top T'other end was a flop With no parts to show she was a she. ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________________ Two country doctors out in the hills of West Virginia were discussing the population explosion in the world. One physician says, "Why, Bubba, thiseyer crazy birth thang isa gettin' so bad that perty soon, they ain't gonna be room for ever'body! There'sa gonna be standin' room only on this here planet!" The other doctor replied, "Heck, that sure oughta slow 'em down a bit!" _____________________________________________________ John was grocery shopping with Jill, and he tossed a bag of chips into the cart. "You don't need those!" Jill chided. "What about those twenty chocolate bars you have in there?" John asked. "IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH!" screamed Jill. "Of course, Honey. Have all the chocolate bars you want! Here are a dozen more!" replied John. ___________________________________________________ DeaWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Helen Re: Jury duty call Dear Webby, I got a phone call claiming that I was supposed to show up for jury duty after I had supposedly gotten a notice in the mail and that I would be arrested if I could not verify that I am me. I vaguely remembered that you had mentioned that a few years ago, and thought I remembered you recommending to tell them to "go suck a billy goat". So I told them exactly that and grabbed my squeaky duck, and let them have a ferocious squeak before slamming the phone onto the table. I was fairly sure I remembered your advice correctly, but when I told a friend and warned her, she thought it could have been legit. Who was right? Me or her? Helen Dear Helen nothing wrong with YOUR memory! You were absolutely right. Please kiss your squeaky duck for me. Any scammer asking for any personal information, needs to hear your duck at FULL volume. The only exception is your credit card company, after YOU call them to change your pin number or request a new card. In that specific case, after YOU had called them, you can tell them your info. Have FUN! DearWebby ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________________ Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher; I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week. When Ole found out, he was furious! He stormed back into the unemployment office to find out why his friend and co- worker was collecting twice his pay. The clerk explained that panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor. "What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls it over his head and says.......Yep, diesel fitter!" ___________________________________________________ Two men were at the bar talking about marriage. "I'm seriously thinking about tying the knot," said Jim. His buddy, Bob told him, "You may wish to consider contacting a local group. With the divorce rate so high in America, a new organization has been formed called, "Marriage Anonymous." "Oh really?" Jim said, "What do they do?" "Whenever a man feels like getting married, they send over a woman wearing a torn house-coat, with curlers in her hair and cream on her face, and she tries to nag him out of it,".Bob replied. _____________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ Little Do asked the librarian how to use the card catalog. After pouring over the little drawers full of cards Helmut-End-Of-List approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila." "T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, and Little went back to the search. A short time later Do came to the desk, looking quite upset. "I just can't find it." "What book are you looking for?" the librarian asked. "Tequila Mockingbird." ___________________________________________________ Did you know that Elvis was an especially colorful character? He was a redneck who stole the blues from the blacks and sold it to the whites. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_______________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
| Today, July 7, in 1846, U.S. annexation of California was proclaimed at Monterey after the surrender of a Mexican garrison. 1862, The first railroad post office was tested on the Hannibal and St. Joseph Railroad in Missouri. 1885, G. Moore Peters patented the cartridge-loading machine. 1917, Aleksandr Kerensky formed a provisional government in Russia. 1920, A device known as the radio compass was used for the first time on a U.S. Navy airplane near Norfolk, VA. 1930, Construction began on Boulder Dam, later Hoover Dam, on the Colorado River. 1937, Japanese forces invaded China. 1946, Mother Frances Xavier Cabrini was canonized as the first American saint. 1949, "Dragnet" was first heard on NBC radio. 1950, The U.N. Security Council authorized military aid for South Korea. 1969, Canada's House of Commons gave final approval to a measure that made the French language equal to English throughout the national government. 1981, U.S. President Reagan announced he was nominating Arizona Judge Sandra Day O'Connor to become the first female justice on the U.S. Supreme Court. 1983, Eleven-year-old Samantha Smith of Manchester, Maine, left for a visit to the Soviet Union at the personal invitation of Soviet leader Yuri V. Andropov. 1987, Public testimony at the Iran-Contra hearing began. 1994, Amazon.com, Inc. was founded in Seattle, Washington under the name "Cadabra." 1998, A jury in Santa Monica, CA, convicted Mikail Markhasev of murdering Ennis Cosby, Bill Cosby's only son, during a roadside robbery. 1999, In Sierra Leone, President Ahmad Tejan Kabbah and rebel leader Foday Sankoh signed a pact to end the nation's civil war. 2000, Cisco Systems Inc. announced that it would buy Netiverse Inc. for $210 million in stock. It was the 13th time Cisco had purchased a company in 2000. 2000, Amazon.com announced that they had sold almost 400,000 copies of "Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire," making it the biggest selling book in e-tailing history. 2003, In Liberia, a team of U.S. military experts arrived at the U.S. embassy compound to assess whether to deploy troops as part of a peacekeeping force in the country. 2017, The first Tesla Model 3 rolled off the assembly line. 2022 Do! smiled. |
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