Dear Webby's Humor Letter
widely read, forwarded, copied and imitated daily since 1994
Dear Webby's Humor Letter, daily since 1994
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Good Morning, Do! Today is Monday, February 13

1411
Ophelia DingbatterIf you like my work,
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___________________________________________________ History: on this day, February 13, in 1945, During World War II, Allied aircraft began bombing the German city of Dresden. Dresden was not defended, and 3 days of non-stop bombing turned it into rubble. It was an atempt at psychological warfare, that failed. There was nobody left to spread the news. The atomic bomb in Hiroshima killed almost as many people, but did it in one second. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award: Predator with more than 1,600 pieces of child porn sentenced to 80 years __________________________________________________ Q Freedom of the press is limited to those who own one. --- A. J. Liebling (1904 - 1963) When a man says he approves of something in principle, it means he hasn't the slightest intention of putting it into practice. --- Otto von Bismarck (1815 - 1898) There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. --- Clint Eastwood (1930 - ) ________________________________________________ In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged Caumeneur." The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular, wine, but was used to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary. "Could you please spell that?" she asked. "You know," said the woman impatiently, "C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e." __________________________________________________ A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he had been asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check and cashed it in the store, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning." __________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ A rather boring joke I heard today reminded me of a fun incicent. Many years ago when I was taking a required course in the process of becoming an electrician, we also had to take some basics physics. Personally, I always loved physics, probably because deep down inside I am still a kid that is fascinated by anything that makes noise or moves. Most of the people in the class hated physics, and one guy in particular did a lot of complaining about it and asking why it was necessary. Finally the instructor had enough and he told him that physics was required to save his live. Naturally the guy fell for that straight line and asked how physics would save his live. "It saves lives", the instructor yelled at him, "because it keeps you from finishing the course, and because if you passed my class and then later burned down a house with your lack of knowledge, I'd have to go and shoot you." That guy quit the course right there __________________________________________________ Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to man up their nostrils, and get so warped from snorting, that they tell you it's bad for you if you put sugar in your coffee! ____________________________________________________ Deyan Kossev This very unusual looking tree is located in the forests of the Balkan mountains, Bulgaria. ___________________________________________________ A Bonehead award goes to Frank Green of San Antonio Texas who, when sentenced to seven years in jail, carried on about how seven was his unlucky number, pleading and begging the judge not to give him seven years. So the judge gave him eight years instead. ___________________________________________________ A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor. Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation. Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick. Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning? Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job. Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive? Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined. Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept? Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead. Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container. Trucker: Yeah, that's right. All lead. Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning. Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning. __________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Xavier Jay Reyes, 26, Houston, Texas, USA Predator with more than 1,600 pieces of child porn sentenced to 80 years A child predator from the Houston area has been sentenced to 80 years in prison after thousands of child pornography was found during an online undercover investigation. According to the U.S. Department of Homeland Security, Xavier Jay Reyes, 26, was found to be producing and sharing images and videos of a little girl "engaging in sexually explicit conduct" in 2020. The graphic materials also featured Reyes "engaging in violent, coercive and degrading abuse." After executing a search warrant, authorities found Reyes abused and explored at least two girls for more than a year. However, he admitted to abusing at least one of them, but an additional search led to a collection of 907 pictures and 781 videos of child porn. Reyes pleaded guilty to two counts of sexual exploitation of a child and one count of distribution of child porn in August. A judge handed down a sentence Thursday, where the 26-year-old will spend 80 years in prison. He was also sentenced to 10 years of supervised release, where he must comply with several requirements, Homeland Security officials said, including restricting access to children and the internet. ____________________________________________________ Bill said the power went out recently. His wife, Kathy heard a plane flying low overhead. She noticed the plane's landing lights were on and said, "Must not be a widespread power outage -- the plane's lights are on." She was lucky she was not downtown. I heard that during the latest power failure in Los Angeles thousands of people were trapped for hours on store escalators. _____________________________________________________ The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him. The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident. The principal replies that he knows little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he as principal is satisfied that it is the truth. Even more appalled the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story. After listening he replies: "I cannot see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotations and we'll choose a contractor to fix the silly wall." _________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits from: Virginia re: Laser Toner Dear Webby My Lexmark ran out of Magenta toner and gave me the runaround. It took me 45 minutes, but I managed to get it out of playing stooopid, and since it still had 180 pages worth of toner, it reluctantly did let me continue to print. That is when the aggravation started. I used to buy bulk toner for $15 per pound. Now they want $170 per cartridge! WHY? Where can I get the lowest priced toner cartridges? Virginia Dear Virginia The reason why it is so expensive is pure greed. You still only get 5 cents worth of toner in a $1.49 cartridge. The most expensive part is the counter or interface to the counter built into the printer, causing it to give you hassles when a certain number of pages have been printed, even if none of them used any magenta. Lexmark is the Chinese printer company that bought the old IBM Small Printer division. It is jointly owned by a consortium of three Chinese companies: Apex Technology, PAG Asia Capital, and Legend Capital. Manufacturing is pretty well automated and spread all over the world. They even have a plant in Kentucky, that manufactures some parts. There are three types of cartridge prices: Original, from Lexmark Remanufactured/Refilled Return of old cartridge to refillers The Return of old cartridge deal often sounds good, until you figure out how much it costs you to ship the old cartridge back. It is a great deal for them, because all cartridges run on counters, not on weight of remaining toner. Like in your case, they would get a nearly full load of Magenta. They just top it off, reset the counter, and sell it to the next victim. Unless you are printing pictures or money, set the printer to print in just black. The best (least outrageous) deal for Lexmark toner cartridges I found is at Inkjetsuperstore Since it is all just con, the best deals move around. Have FUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________________ >From Carol A 3-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom." ____________________________________________________ Today, February 13 in 1542, Catherine Howard was executed for adultery. She was the fifth wife of England's King Henry VIII. 1633, Galileo Galilei arrived in Rome for trial before the Inquisition about his claim that the sun, not earth, is the center of the Solar system. 1741, "The American Magazine," the first magazine in the U.S., was published in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. 1875, Mrs. Edna Kanouse gave birth to Americas first quintuplets. All five of the baby boys died within two weeks. 1880, Thomas Edison observed what became known as the Edison Effect for the first time. 1900, The Anglo-German accord of 1899 was ratified by Reichstag, in which Britain renounced rights in Samoa in favor of Germany and the U.S. 1914, The American Society of Composers, Authors and Publishers (known as ASCAP) was formed in New York City. The society was founded to protect the copyrighted musical compositions of its members. 1920, The League of Nations recognized the continued neutrality of Switzerland. 1935, In Flemington, New Jersey, a jury found Bruno Richard Hauptmann guilty of the kidnapping and death of the infant son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh. Hauptmann was later executed for the crimes. 1937, The comic strip "Prince Valiant" appeared for the first time. 1945, At the end of World War II, the Soviets captured Budapest, Hungary, from the German army. Most of the Germans had either gone home and/or gotten drunk. 1945, During World War II, Allied aircraft began bombing the German city of Dresden. Dresden was not defended, and 3 days of non-stop bombing turned it into rubble. It was an atempt at psychological warfare, that failed. There was nobody left to spread the news. The atomic bomb in Hiroshima killed almost as many people, but did it in one second. 1955, Israel acquired 4 of the 7 Dead Sea scrolls. 1960, France detonated its first atomic bomb. 1971, South Vietnamese troops invaded Laos. They were backed by U.S. air and artillery support. 1984, Konstantin Chernenko was chosen to be general secretary of the Soviet Communist Party's Central Committee, succeeding the late Yuri Andropov. 1985, The Dow Jones industrial average closed at a record high of 1297.92 after it topped the 1300 mark earlier in the trading session. 1990, In Ottawa, the United States and its European allies forged an agreement with the Soviet Union and East Germany on a two-stage formula to reunite Germany. 1991, Hundreds of Iraqis were killed by two laser-guided bombs that destroyed an underground facility in Baghdad. U.S. officials identified the facility as a military installation, but Iraqi officials said it was a bomb shelter. 1997, Astronauts on the space shuttle Discovery brought the Hubble Space Telescope aboard for a tune up. The tune up allowed the telescope to see further into the universe. 1997, The Dow Jones industrial average passed the 7,000 mark for the first time. The day ended at 7,022.44. 1999, A bomb exploded just outside a government-owned bank in southern Kosovo. Nine people were killed. 2000, Charles M. Schulz's last original Sunday "Peanuts" comic strip appeared in newspapers. Schulz had died the day before. 2001, El Savador was hit with an earthquake that measured 6.6 on the Richter Scale. At least 400 people were killed. 2002, In Alexandria, VA, John Walker Lindh pled innocent to a 10-count federal indictment. He was charged with conspiring to kill Americans and aiding Osama bin Laden's terrorist network. 2002, Former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani received an honorary knighthood from Queen Elizabeth II. 2008, Roger Clemens denied having taken performance- enhancing drugs in testimony before Congress. 2022 Do smiled.
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