Good Morning, Do! Today is Thursday, May 19 Guess what day May 20 is! ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Man arrested in fatal shooting, targeted robbery __________________________________________________ On May 19 in 2005, "Star Wars: Episode III, Revenge of the Sith" brought in 50.0 million in its opening day. _____________________________________________________ My loathings are simple: stupidity, oppression, crime, cruelty, soft music. --- Vladimir Nabokov (1899 - 1977) The squeaking wheel doesn't always get the grease. Sometimes it gets replaced. --- Vic Gold I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: 'O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.' And God granted it. --- Voltaire (1694 - 1778) A lie told often enough becomes the truth. --- Lenin (1870 - 1924) --- Nancy Pelosi (1940 - ) ____________________________________________________ Consider the fellow who was working on a painting of a beautiful young woman. Try as he might, he tried to concentrate on his work, but he was attracted to his model. Finally, he could resist no longer. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her. She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said, "But not this one." "But I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore. "Really," she said, softening. "How many models have there been?" "Four," he replied. "A jug, two apples and a vase." ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! __________________________________________ WOMAN SPEAK Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I'm sorry = You'll be sorry. We need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later. We need to talk = I need to complain I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron You're... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Our kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. We need new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good movie on TV Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead. MAN SPEAK I'm hungry = I'm hungry. I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy. I'm tired = I'm tired. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you May I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. Nice dress = Deep cleavage/high hemline What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this. What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question. What's wrong? = I guess we are not having s......... I'm bored = Do you want to have sex or something? I love you = Let's have sex now. I love you, too = Okay, I said it... we had better have sex now I already said I love You. = That waitress is really cute and friendly Let's talk = I am a deep person, maybe you'd like to have sex with me. I said, "Lets talk." = I wounder if our waitress enjoys sex? Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. (While shopping) I like that one better = Pick any damn dress and let's go home. __________________________________________ >From Connie You know you are from the Backwoods when.... * The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse. * You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. * You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. * You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. * Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People." * You think Genitalia is an Italian airline. * You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. * Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!" * You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.' * You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. * Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan * You go to your family reunion looking for a date. * Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. * You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines." * You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. * You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures. * The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it. * You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. * One of your kids was born on a pool table. * Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade. * You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. * You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard. * Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it. * You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school. * You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. * Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos." * Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Kamari Oliver, 18, Las Vegas, Nevadam, USA Man arrested in fatal shooting, targeted robbery An 18-year-old has been arrested on suspicion of murder in what police described as an attempted robbery at a home on Friday in southwest Las Vegas. Clark County Detention Center records show that Kamari Oliver was booked at the jail Monday on counts of murder, home invasion, kidnapping and robbery with a deadly weapon. An arrest report in the case had not been released as of Tuesday morning, but Oliver was booked under the same police event number that police issued for the Friday killing of Natalie Manduley, 24, of Las Vegas. During a court appearance Tuesday morning, Las Vegas Justice of the Peace Elana Lee Graham told Oliver that attorneys would argue his bail in a few days. Youre going to be detained for at least a couple of days so you can be interviewed by your attorney, the judge said. Las Vegas police said that at 2:10 p.m. Friday, officers responded to reports of multiple gunshots inside a home on the 6400 block of Bright Nimbus Avenue, near South Torrey Pines Drive and West Robindale Road. Manduley, who lived there with her boyfriend and another woman, was found dead from gunshot wounds. Police Lt. Ray Spencer said three men broke into the home, and Manduley exchanged gunfire with at least one of them before she was killed. The boyfriend, a man in his late 40s, had gone to a store and returned to find a white Mercedes-Benz in his driveway and three men leaving the house. They drove off in the Mercedes, and the boyfriend followed them and smashed into the back of the car, causing it to crash into a wall near the house. The driver of the Mercedes got out and fired several shots at the boyfriend, Spencer said. The three men then fled the area on foot, according to a Monday news release. Manduleys name was released by the Clark County coroners office Monday. She died of multiple gunshot wounds, and her death was ruled a homicide. Police described the slaying in a news release as resulting from a targeted robbery. Oliver is scheduled to appear in court again on Thursday. ___________________________________________________ Mind Over Matter: No one ever falls in love with another person's mind at a cocktail party. The Fertility Factor: Women are only fertile a few days each month... unless they're single. The Preparation Predicament: The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he's fallen asleep by the time you're ready. ___________________________________________________ if you can spare a coin, please hit paypal with it! ___________________________________________________ >From a female subscriber o "What I Want in a Man (age 22)" o "What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)" o "What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)" o "What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)" o "What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)" o "What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)" "What I Want in a Man (age 22)" 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5. Witty 6. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises 10. An imaginative, romantic lover, every day of the week "What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)" 1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head) 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner 4. Listens more than talks 5. Laughs at my jokes 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries 10. Seeks romance at least 4-5 times a week "What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)" 1. Not too ugly (bald head OK) 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally 4. Nods head when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down 10. Shaves most weekends 11. Interested in romance 2-3 times a week "What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)" 1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 3. Doesn't borrow money too often 4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting 5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times 6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends 7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 8. Appreciates a good TV dinner 9. Remembers your name on occasion 10. Shaves some weekends 11. Hope for a kiss each day "What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)" 1. Doesn't scare small children 2. Remembers where bathroom is 3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep 4. Only snores lightly when asleep 5. Remembers why he's laughing 6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself 7. Usually wears some clothes 8. Likes soft foods 9. Remembers where he left his teeth 10. Remembers that it's the weekend 11. Remembers what romance was like "What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)" 1. Breathing 2. Doesn't miss the toilet Well, Ladies, except for the shaving nonsense, I could meet your "42" criteria. ____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ >From Connie In a Catholic elementary school, children were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. Among their responses were these quotes, offered here exactly as they were originally written and spelled: In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. ___________________________________________________ Melvin Horowitz was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found his wife Fanny in the arms of another man. He started to yell at the interloper, "What right have you got to be making love to my wife?" The man answered calmly, "You may as well know that I am in love with Fanny, and I would like to marry her. I understand you're a gambler. Why don't you be a good sport and sit down and play a game of gin rummy with me? If I lose, I'll never see her again; if you lose, you must agree to divorce her.... Okay?" "Okay," replied Horowitz, "but just to make it a little more interesting, why don't we also play for a dollar a point?" ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Victor Re: Launchy Dear Webby That launchy is fantastic! I know you have mentioned it at least once a year for decades, but I always thought it would be a tedious program to learn. Well, now I tried it. Tedious is not in it's book. I installed it, hit ALT SpaceBar, and it opened. It took a while to catalog the computer, almost a minute, but I expected more than that. So I was pleasantly surprised! Typed FIR, and Firefox opened. No need to move stuff around to uncover the icon. I LOVE it! Now I need it for my ugly W10 machine. Where is it? Thanks DearWebby! Victor Dear Victor Launchy is still available at https://www.launchy.net/download.php#windows However it is now $3 Just don't tell your wife about the alternate skins. It would be like a Black Friday sale at Walmart. You might not get your machine back for a week! Have FUN! DearWebby ______________________________________________________ If a man from Michigan is a Michigander, why isn't a woman a Michigoose? If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work, Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it! Please, help me stay online! | _____________________________________________ Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway. ______________________________________________ A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?" "Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously. Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it!" ______________________________________________ Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. | They call a bride's new husband a groom. A groom is also a term applied to a fellow who works in a stable. Does this mean a marriage should automatically be very stable. 0r is it that they expect you to have to yell so much you'll be a little horse? ___________________________________________________ Today, May 19, in 1535, French explorer Jacques Cartier set sail for North America. 1536, Anne Boleyn, the second wife of England's King Henry VIII, was beheaded after she was convicted of adultery. 1568, After being defeated by the Protestants, Mary the Queen of Scots, fled to England where she was imprisoned by Queen Elizabeth. 1588, The Spanish Armada set sail from Lisbon, bound for England. 1608, The Protestant states formed the Evangelical Union of Lutherans and Calvinists. 1643, Delegates from four New England colonies met in Boston to form a confederation. 1643, The French army defeated a Spanish army at Rocroi, France. 1796, The first U.S. game law was approved. The measure called for penalties for hunting or destroying game within Indian territory. 1847, The first English-style railroad coach was placed in service on the Fall River Line in Massachusetts. 1856, U.S. Senator Charles Sumner spoke out against slavery. 1857, The electric fire alarm system was patented by William F. Channing and Moses G. Farmer. 1858, A pro-slavery band led by Charles Hameton executed unarmed Free State men near Marais des Cygnes on the Kansas-Missouri border. 1864, The Union and Confederate armies launched their last attacks against each other at Spotsylvania in Virginia. 1906, The Federated Boys' Clubs, forerunner of the Boys' Clubs of America, were organized. 1911, The first American criminal conviction that was based on fingerprint evidence occurred in New York City. 1912, The Associated Advertising Clubs of America held its first convention in Dallas, TX. 1921, The U.S. Congress passed the Emergency Quota Act, which established national quotas for immigrants. 1926, Thomas Edison spoke on the radio for the first time. 1926, Benito Mussolini announced that democracy was deceased. Rome became a fascist state. 1926, In Damascus, Syria, French shells killed 600 people. 1928, The first frog-jumping jubilee held in Calaveras County, CA. 1935, T.E. Lawrence "Lawrence of Arabia" died from injuries in a motorcycle crash in England. 1935, The National Football League (NFL) adopted an annual college draft to begin in 1936. 1943, Winston Churchill told the U.S. Congress that his country was pledging their full support in the war against Japan. 1958, Canada and the U.S. formally established the North American Air Defense Command. 1962, Marilyn Monroe performed a sultry rendition of "Happy Birthday" for U.S. President John F. Kennedy. The event was a fund-raiser at New York's Madison Square Garden. 1964, The U.S. State Department reported that diplomats had found about 40 microphones planted in the U.S. Embassy in Moscow. 1967, The Soviet Union ratified a treaty with the United States and Britain that banned nuclear weapons from outer space. 1974, Erno Rubik invented the puzzle what would later become known as the Rubik's Cube. 1967, U.S. planes bombed Hanoi for the first time. 1981, The Empire State Building was designated a New York City Landmark. 1988, In Jacksonville, FL, Carlos Lehder Rivas was convicted of smuggling more than three tons of cocaine into the United States. Rivas was the co-founder of Colombia's Medellin drug cartel. 1992, U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle criticized the CBS sitcom "Murphy Brown" for having its title character decide to bear a child out of wedlock. 1992, In Massapequa, NY, Mary Jo Buttafuoco was shot and seriously wounded by Amy Fisher. Fisher was her husband Joey's teen-age lover. 1992, The 27th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution went into effect. The amendment prohibits Congress from giving itself midterm pay raises. 1998, In Russia, strikes broke out over unpaid wages. 1998, Bandits stole three of Rome's most important paintings from the National Gallery of Modern Art. 1999, "Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace" was released in the U.S. It set a new record for opening day sales at 28.5 million. 2000, The bones of the most complete and best-preserved Tyrannosaurus rex skeleton went on display in Chicago. 2000, Disney released the movie "Dinosaur." 2003, It was announced that Worldcom Inc. would pay investors $500 million to settle civil fraud charges over its $11 billion accounting scandal. 2003, Hundreds of Albert Einstein's scientific papers, personal letters and humanist essays were make available on the Internet. Einstein had given the papers to the Hebrew Universtiy of Jerusalem in his will. 2005, "Star Wars: Episode III, Revenge of the Sith" brought in 50.0 million in its opening day. 2013, The Yahoo board approved the $1.1 billion purchase of the blogging site Tumblr. 2022 Do smiled. |
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Go to TOP Well, Do , that's all for today.
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