Good Morning, Do! Today is Wednesday, June 5 _____________________________________________________ Today, June 5 in 1924 Ernst F. W. Alexanderson transmitted the first facsimile message across the Atlantic Ocean. More of today in history at History ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Today's Bonehead Award: When The Molly Hits The Floor ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Dance like it hurts, Love like you need money, Work when people are watching. --- Scott Adams (1957 - ) We don't bother much about dress and manners in England, because as a nation we don't dress well and we've no manners. --- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950) _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving to inspect a bull, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable." The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slowly. . . com-for-da-bul." ______________________________________________________` Volcan de Fuego by Diego Rizzo in Guatemala _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Kristen Szatmary, 34, Vero Beach, Floriduh When The Molly Hits The Floor A Florida Woman denied ownership of a bag of MDMA that dropped from her crotch right after a feminine product fell from the same space, cops say. Officers responding to a call Saturday afternoon about a disturbance at a Vero Beach residence encountered Kristen Szatmary, 34, seated in a taxi outside the home. While speaking with Szatmary--who said she had just been in a verbal disturbance with her mother--a sheriff's deputy observed white powder on her right nostril. The cop then asked Szatmary to exit the vehicle. As Szatmary stepped out of the taxi, a feminine product fell from her shorts followed by a clear bag with a white substance, according to an arrest affidavit. It's not mine, Szatmary reportedly declared. I'm supposed to give it to someone. The feminine product, which is not further described in court filings, appears to have been keeping the baggie in its storage place, but apparently she was a bit too loose. Seen above, Szatmary advised the white substance was 'molly,' reported a deputy, who added that a field test of the substance provided a positive result for MDMA narcotics. Charged with possession of a controlled substance, Szatmary was booked into the county jail on the felony count. She is locked up in lieu of $5000 bond. Szatmary's rap sheet includes multiple theft convictions. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: David Re: How did they meaasure altitude? DearWebby, Hello DearWebby, NOT a computer question BUT, in the history section of today s humour letter, it gives 2 items about hot air balloons What I would like to know is HOW DID THEY MEASURE THE ALTITUDE REACHED? David Dear David They had altimeters for mountain climbers. Not digital like the ones on Swiss Army knives, but barometer type. They look like small, hand held compasses and are still available. Fishermen and farmers use them to predict the weather. They have a little flat tin can linked to a needle indicator. Higher or lower air pressure depresses the tin differently. Depending on the weather at your starting location you can rotate the numbers printed on the outside ring and calibrate it. Barometric altimeters are still in use on all airplanes, but are only approximate. Their readings differ from day to day because of the weather, and you adjust them to the listed altitude of the air port before taking off. They also used a lot of trigonometry, if they had to be more accurate, like for record setting events. For example, Eratosthenes calculated the circumference of the earth in 240 BC, 2259 years ago, and was not corrected by much with modern satellite measurements. His numbers are still used when absolute decimal point accuracy is not required. Apparently they had a lot better schools in those days. For record setting events they probably used trigonometry. Keep in mind, they had already mapped the "New World" in those days, when those balloon records were set, using only trig. They didn't climb any mountains, they just used trig to calculate their height. College and university students carried the little booklet with the sine/cosine tables in their back pocket. I remember I did in the days before calculators. Wow, that really dates me :-D Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. In a small Texas town, a new tavern business started constructing a building in which to open up a bar. The local Baptist church began a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed, however right up until the week before opening, when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground. The church folks were rather smug in their outlook until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented: 'I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't.' | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
>From Malcolm I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com Clutter Control: Newspaper, Magazines and Junk Mail Recycle junk mail as soon as you get it to keep it from piling up. Be sure to shred all credit card offers. Recycle newspapers weekly and magazines at least monthly. When the magazine rack is full, you know it's time to get rid of them. thriftyfun.Com ____________________________________________________ | | Sh%t Southern Women Say. Being from the South I've been known to say a few of these myself. |
___________________________________________________ Manning the computer help desk for the local school district was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously. "Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked. "I am real," I said. "Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?" ___________________________________________________ A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asks the clerk. And she says, "Are you kidding? He doesn't even know yet that I'm going to shoot him!" ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
Thanks to Noella for this: These are some questions people the world over are asking! Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. (They have also appeared in thr Humor Letter before) Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England ) A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die. Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA ) A: Depends on how much you've been drinking. Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden ) A: So it's true what they say about Swedes. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy) A: Let's not touch this one. Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax ? (England) A: What did your last slave die of? Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA) A: Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked. Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA ) A: Face towards the US and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll tell you about East and West. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England ) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA ) A: Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany ) A: No, WE don't stink. You better bring some along for yourself. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada? (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) A: Yes, gay nightclubs Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA ) A: Only at Thanksgiving. Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent. They roam the city streets eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. Spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking will scare them off, usually. Q: Does everybody in Banff speak Japanese? A: No, the elk, that roam the streets, only speak Canadian, eh! Q: Do the Mounties still ride around on horses and carry mammoth tusk clubs? A: Only during riots, G8 conferences, mud wrestling championships and hippo races. Q: I heard about submarine races at Lost Lagoon in Vancouver. When do they have them? A: Most evenings as soon as it gets dark. You can also park at Stanley Park across the street. Q: Do the guys still smoke at Hooters in Calgary? A: No, the girls were told to slow down. ___________________________________________________ | Today June 5 in 1595 Henry IV's army defeated the Spanish at the Battle of Fontaine-Francaise. 1752 Benjamin Franklin flew a kite for the first time to demonstrate that lightning was a form of electricity. 1794 The U.S. Congress prohibited citizens from serving in any foreign armed forces. 1827 Athens fell to the Ottomans. 1851 Harriet Beecher Stow published the first installment of "Uncle Tom's Cabin" in "The National Era." 1865 The first safe deposit vault was opened in New York. The charge was $1.50 a year for every $1,000 that was stored. 1917 American men began registering for the World War I draft. 1924 Ernst F. W. Alexanderson transmitted the first facsimile message across the Atlantic Ocean. 1933 President Roosevelt signed the bill that took the U.S. off of the gold standard. 1940 During World War II, the Battle of France began when Germany began an offensive in Southern France. 1944 The first B-29 bombing raid hit the Japanese rail line in Bangkok, Thailand. 1946 The first medical sponges were first offered for sale in Detroit, MI. 1947 U.S. Secretary of State George C. Marshall gave a speech at Harvard University in which he outlined the Marshall Plan. 1956 Premier Nikita Khrushchev denounced Josef Stalin to the Soviet Communist Party Congress. 1967 The National Hockey League (NHL) awarded three new franchises. The Minnesota North Stars (later the Dallas Stars), the California Golden Seals (no longer in existence) and the Los Angeles Kings. 1967 The Six Day War between Israel and Egypt, Syria and Jordan began. 1975 Egypt reopened the Suez Canal to international shipping, eight years after it was closed because of the 1967 6 day war with Israel. After they lost, they mined the Suez canal but forgot where they had laid the mines. 1981 In the U.S., the Center for Disease Control and Prevention reported that five men in Los Angeles were suffering from a rare pneumonia found in patients with weakened immune systems. They were the first recognized cases of what later became known as AIDS. 1986 A federal jury in Baltimore convicted Ronald W. Pelton of selling secrets to the Soviet Union. Pelton was sentenced to three life prison terms plus 10 years. 1998 A strike began at a General Motors Corp. parts factory near Detroit, MI, that closed five assembly plants and idled workers across the U.S. for seven weeks. 1998 Volkswagen AG won approval to buy Rolls-Royce Motor Cars for $700 million, outbidding BMW's $554 million offer. 1998 A strike at a General Motors parts factory began. It lasted for seven weeks. 2004 The U.S.S. Jimmy Carter was christened in the U.S. Navy in Groton, CT. 2019 Do smiled. |
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