Good Morning, Do, Today is Tuesday, July 11 Thank you, Gene!! Have Fun! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Man caught with van full of weed told police, 'It's all for me'. Jailed now.  Boneheads ______________________________________________________ Today, July 11 in 1533 Henry VIII, who divorced his wife and became head of the church of England, was excommunicated from the Catholic Church by Pope Clement VII. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ 
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 ______________________________________________________ The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none. --- Thomas Carlyle (1795 - 1881) Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few. --- Pythagoras ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!  ______________________________________________________ >From Funk AFTER ENDURING MANY TRIPS to the supermarket with my 11-month-old son, I finally discovered that the way to keep him from taking things off the shelves was to place the cart in which he was riding in the exact center of the aisle. As I selected what I needed, my son tried in vain to reach the items on either side. Just then another woman with a small child came down the aisle. Glancing at my frustrated son, she quipped, "Finally! Successful arms control!" _____________________________________________________   ______________________________________________________ Smiles from the bible Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? A. German Shepherds. Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation. Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet. Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord. Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson. He brought the house down. Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A. Your mother ate us out of house and home. Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once. Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing. Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible? A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep. Q. Which Bible character had no parents? A. Joshua, son of Nun. Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark? A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groannn...) ______________________________________________________   _____________________________________________________ 
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 ______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Shane Prosser, 50, Caerau, Bridgend, South Wales, Britain  Man caught with van full of weed told police, 'It's all for me'. Jailed now.  A drug dealer who was busted with a van described as 'full to the brim' with weed tried to convince police that it was all for him. Shane Prosser, 50, had hundreds of pounds worth of cannabis in his van and was busted when passing traffic cops noticed the stench. The drug dealing driver and his passenger claimed they had just bought the cannabis and were going to use it for their own personal use. Police also found a key to a nearby farm. The farm in Coytrahen, Bridgend, South Wales, turned out to be the site of Prosser's 'substantial' cannabis-growing factory. Prosser denied producing cannabis and possession with intent to supply but was found guilty at Cardiff Crown Court. Prosser, from Caerau, near Bridgend, was jailed for two years and eight months. 'As well as the drugs within the vehicle, we later uncovered evidence of a cannabis-growing operation at a farm owned by Prosser.' Detective Sergeant Kerslake from South Wales Police said: 'Our officers saw straight through his lies and so did the jury.  ______________________________________________________  Tech Support Pits From: Reta Re: More than two hard drives Dear Webby, Dear Webby, Is it possible to have more than two hard drives without converting the whole system to SCUSI and throwing out the old hard drives ? Thanks Reta  Dear Reta Yes, sure you can. Just get a removable USB hard drive. They are in a little, flat case about the size of a package of cigarettes (Canadian style, not Winston style) and have a cable that connects to any free USB port. They are cheap. I have seen them for under $100 for a 1 TB drive. Have FUN! DearWebby    >From Adam Dear Webby, once you had a list of definitions about common phrases that women use. Can you please print them again? Thanks Adam Here they are: Definitions of words and terms for men so they might understand what women are really saying. We suggest that each woman make a copy for the man in her life. FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks this will cause you to have one of those arguments. FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. NOTHING: This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'. GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine". GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) This means, "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing". SOFT SIGH Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow." GO AHEAD At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay". THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome. THANKS A LOT This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing". 
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 Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Clean and Freshen Artificial Flowers and Plants  By Jackie H. [235 Posts, 111 Comments] Okay, you may think this sounds strange, but it works. I have mostly fresh green plants in my large front window in my home. But, I like the look of plants, so I decorate other areas with artificial flowers and plants. They only bad thing is, they get dusty. And then they look horrible when dusty. Clean and Freshen Artificial Flowers and Plants About every 6 months, "it's bath time" Yes, bath time! I bring all my artificial plants and flowers to the bathroom floor, I fill my bathtub with about 4 inches of warm water and 3 capfuls of Downy or Snuggle. Mix it around. First I do the silk flowers, I try to hold as many as possible of the stems in my hand, holding the stems, I take them turn them upside down and gently swish the flowers and leaves around in the water. This shakes off the dusty and revitalizes the brightness to their color again. Do this for only about 15 seconds. Take them out and lie them nicely on a thick bath towel. Spread them out until they dry. For the potted plants, if the plant stems can be removed, do so and repeat what I did above. If the plant stems are glued it to the pot, take the pot, turn it upside down, only getting the leaves or flowers wet (not the artificial soil) holding the pot, and now swish the leaves and/or flowers for about 15 seconds and then keep the plant upside down on the towel, you may have to lean it against a door or cabinet so it does not fall over until the wetness dries. This works, and leaves your plants and flowers not only dust free but a nice fresh smell that last for quite a while. I have been doing this for quite some time and most likely years, to these same plants. And they don't seem to mind. :) Try it, you will like it!  ____________________________________________________  
 
 
When you find out everyone else got a raise.
 ____________________________________________________  On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. "Be still, my heart," thought the doctor, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!" Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. Do you want fwies wif that ?" ___________________________________________________  
 
 Think you've had a bad day? 
 ___________________________________________________ Having moved into his first apartment, our son invited my husband and me for a visit. As we walked in, our son asked if we'd like a cold drink. Mentally patting myself on the back for teaching him to be such a gracious host, I said, "Yes, what do you have?" He walked over to the refrigerator, opened the door, studied the contents, and then replied, "I have pickle juice or water." 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 ____________________________________________________ >from Chris: I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the Mommy test you have to be the daddy." 
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 Today, on July 11, in 1346 Charles IV of Luxembourg was elected Holy Roman Emperor in Germany. 1533 Henry VIII, who divorced his wife and became head of the church of England, was excommunicated from the Catholic Church by Pope Clement VII. 1708 The French were defeated at Oudenarde, Malplaquet, in the Netherlands by the Duke of Marlborough and Eugene of Savoy. 1742 A papal decree was issued condemning the disciplining actions of the Jesuits in China. 1786 Morocco agreed to stop attacking American ships in the Mediterranean for a payment of $10,000. 1798 The U.S. Marine Corps was formally re-established by "An Act for Establishing a Marine Corps" passed by the U.S. Congress. The act also created the U.S. Marine Band. The Marines were first commissioned by the Continental Congress on November 10, 1775. 1804 The United States' first secretary of the treasury, Alexander Hamilton, was killed by Vice President Aaron Burr in a duel. 1864 In the U.S., Confederate forces led by Gen. Jubal Early began an invasion of Washington, DC. They turned back the next day. 1934 U.S. President Franklin Delano Roosevelt became the first American chief executive to travel through the Panama Canal while in office. 1962 The first transatlantic TV transmission was sent through the Telstar I satellite. 1972 U.S. forces broke the 95-day siege at An Loc in Vietnam. 1979 The abandoned U.S. space station Skylab returned to Earth. It burned up in the atmosphere and showered debris over the Indian Ocean and Australia. 1985 Dr. H. Harlan Stone announced that he had used zippers for stitches on 28 patients. The zippers were used when he thought he may have to re-operate. 1995 Full diplomatic relations were established between the United States and Vietnam. 1999 A U.S. Air Force jet flew over the Antarctic and dropped off emergency medical supplies for Dr. Jerri Nelson after she had discovered a lump in her breast. Nelson was at the Amundsen- Scott South Pole Research Center. 2000 The video "Jaws," the Anniversary Collector's Edition, was released. 2000 Liam Neeson broke his pelvis after hitting a deer with his Harley Davidson motorcycle. 2017 Do smiled.

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