Good Morning, Do! Today is Wednesday, Sept 13 ___________________________________________________ Q His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. --- Woody Allen (1935 - ) ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Escaped British terror suspect is now back in jail ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ History on this day, Sept 13, in 1898, Hannibal Williston Goodwin patented celluloid photographic film, which is still used to make movies. ____________________________________________________ QUESTION: How many church people does it take to change a lightbulb? Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it. Charismatics: Only one. Hands are already in the air. Roman Catholics: None. They use candles. Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the light bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness. Presbyterians: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off. Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much better they liked the old bulb. Unitarians: We chose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the light bulb. However, if you have found in your own journey that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three- way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. Baptists: At least fifteen. One to change the light bulb, and two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and also a casserole. Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change. Methodists: A whole congregation. One to change the light bulb, and the rest of the congregation to be sure that he doesn't backslide __________________________________________________ Painted Garage Door __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Four members of the clergy had a theological argument, with three male ministers siding against the female minister. The woman prayed, "Lord, I know I'm right. Please send us a divine sign to prove it." A big storm cloud materialized, and there was a clap of thunder. "See," said the woman. "It's a sign from above." The three clergymen disagreed, saying thunder is a common phenomenon. "Dear Lord," the woman prayed, "I need a bigger sign." This time, a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree. "See! I told you I was right," the woman said. But the men insisted nothing had happened that couldn't be explained by natural causes. "Help me, Lord," the woman implored. And a deep voice came from the heavens: "SSSHHHEEE'S RRRIIIGGGHHHTTT!" The woman turned to the three clergymen and asked, "Well?" "So, okay," they said. "Now it's three against two." ___________________________________________________ Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change." Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes." "You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes." __________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ An unidentified man in Buenos Aires pushed his wife out of an eighth-floor window last week, but his plan to kill her failed when she became entangled in some power cables below. Seeing she was still alive, the man jumped and tried to land on top of her. He missed. ___________________________________________________ On The Way Back To New York As I Was Sitting In The Phoenix Airport, They Announced That The Flight To Vegas Was Full. The Airline Was Looking For Volunteers To Give Up Their Seats. In Exchange, They'd Give You A $100 Voucher For Your Next Flight And A First Class Seat In The Plane Leaving An Hour Later. About Eight People Ran Up To The Counter To Take Advantage Of The Offer. About 15 Seconds Later All Eight Of Those People Sat Down Grumpily As The Lady Behind The Ticket Counter Said, "If There Is Anyone Else Other Than The Flight Crew Who'd Like To Volunteer, Please Step Forward." _____________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Loren Re: Name of Crap Cleaner Is that called ccleaner to download?. loren Dear Loren Yes, same thing. About 20 - 25 years ago some Liberals, who figured they could pick up dog turds by only touching the clean end, got them to rename it to CCLEANER. Most of us still call it Crap Cleaner. Have FUN! DearWebby ________________________________________________ >From Beth TO CONFIRM HER SUSPICIONS, my sister needed to purchase a pregnancy test. Since I was going to the pharmacy, she asked me to pick one up. I didn't stop to think how I appeared to the clerk when I waddled up nine months pregnant to pay for the kit. "Honey," she said, "I can save you $15 right now. You're definitely going to have a baby." ___________________________________________________ Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life REALLY are. 1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas. (oops, I read this too late) 2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape. 3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right." 4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm. 6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!" 7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them. 8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?' 9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee. 10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance! 11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you. 12. Work is good, but it's not that important. 13. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to bail you out or empty your bedpan. ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ During a friendly argument, Ron asked his wife why she married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," Laura teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, she was surprised and requested an explanation. "Well, people get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid." _______________________________________________ A Bonehead award has been reported by Rock Daniel Khalife, 21, Back in jail now Suspected Terrorist Daniel Khalife to appear in court charged with escaping Daniel Khalife is due to appear in court charged with escaping from custody at HMP Wandsworth. The 21-year-old former soldier was arrested on a canal towpath in west London at 10.41am on Saturday after being pulled off a bike by a plainclothes counter-terrorism officer. His capture followed a mass land and air search over four days after he went missing from the prison on Wednesday. The Metropolitan Police said a member of the public reported seeing a man matching Khalifes description walking away from a Bidfood van that had stopped near the south entrance to Wandsworth Roundabout on Wednesday morning. Officers carried out a search in the Richmond area and although Khalife was not found there, the force received a number of calls from the public with sightings of the suspect nearby. Police checked gardens, stopped and inspected cars and asked residents for their IDs throughout Saturday morning. Khalife was eventually found on a canal towpath in Northolt, west London, around eight miles from where he was last seen by a member of the public. He was on remand at HMP Wandsworth after being charged with terror offences in January. He will face Westminster Magistrates Court on Monday. __________________________________________________ History Today Sept 13, in 1759, The French were defeated by the British on the Plains of Abraham in the final French and Indian War. 1788, The Constitutional Convention decided that the first federal election was to be held on Wednesday the following February. On that day George Washington was elected as the first president of the United States. In addition, New York City was named the temporary national capital. 1789, The United States Government took out its first loan. 1847, U.S. forces took the hill Chapultepec during the Mexican-American War. 1862, During the American Civil War General Lee's Order No. 191 was found by federal soldiers in Maryland. 1898, Hannibal Williston Goodwin patented celluloid photographic film, which is still used to make movies. 1922, In El Azizia, Libya, the highest shade temperature was recorded at 136.4 degrees Fahrenheit. 1935, Aviator Howard Hughes, Jr., of Houston, set a new airspeed record of 352 mph with his H-1 airplane (Winged Bullet). 1943, Chiang Kai-shek became the president of China. 1948, The School of Performing Arts opened in New York City. It was the first public school to specialize in performing arts. 1948, Margaret Chase Smith was elected to the U.S. Senate and became the first woman to serve in both houses of the U.S. Congress. 1959, The Soviet Union's Luna 2 became the first space probe to reach the moon. It was launched the day before. 1960, The U.S. Federal Communications Commission banned payola. 1970, The first New York City Marathon took place. Fireman Gary Muhrucke won the race. 1971, In New York, National Guardsmen stormed the Attica Correctional Facility and put an end to the four-day revolt. A total of 43 people were killed in the final assault. A committee was organized to investigate the riot on September 30, 1971. 1971, The World Hockey Association was formed. 1977, The first American diesel automobiles were introduced by General Motors. 1981, U.S. Secretary of State Alexander M. Haig said the U.S. had physical evidence that Russia and its allies used poisonous biological weapons in Laos, Cambodia and Afghanistan. 1988, Forecasters reported that Hurricane Gilbert's barometric pressure measured 26.13. It was the strongest hurricane ever recorded in the Western Hemisphere. 1993, Israel and Palestine signed their first major agreement. Palestine was granted limited self-government in the Gaza Strip and in Jericho. 1994, U.S. President Bill Clinton signed a $30 billion crime bill into law. 1998, The New York Times closed its Web site after hackers added facts and other offensive material. 2001, U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell named Osama bin Laden as the prime suspect in the terror attacks on the United States on September 11, 2001. Limited commercial flights resumed in the U.S. for the first time in two days. 2023, Do smiled.
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