Good Morning, Do! Today is Wednesday, August 24, 2022  ___________________________________________________ History on this day, August 24, in 1998, A donation of 24 beads was made, from three parties, to the Indian Museum of North America at the Crazy Horse Memorial. The beads are said to be those that were used in 1626 to buy Manhattan from the Indians. ____________________________________________________ International Bonehead Award Aurora man convicted of armed robbery & other charges looking at life in prison _________________________________________________ It is the wretchedness of being rich that you have to live with rich people. --- Logan Pearsall Smith (1865 - 1946) __________________________________________________ At a boat-rental concession, the manager went to the lake's edge and yelled through his megaphone, "Number 99, come in, please. Your time is up." Several minutes passed, but the boat didn't return. "Boat number 99," he again hollered, "return to the dock immediately or I'll have to charge you overtime." "Something is wrong here, boss," his assistant said. "We only have 75 boats. There is no number 99." The manager thought for a moment and then raised his mega- phone: "Boat number 66," he yelled. "Are you having trouble out there?" __________________________________________________ Husband : Shall we try a new positon tonight? Wife : Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch and drink beer and fart! __________________________________________________  Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Jarvis Postlewaite, 38, Aurora, Illinois, USA.  Aurora man convicted of armed robbery & other charges looking at life in prison  An Aurora man is looking at life in prison after being convicted during a jury trial on August 18th. 38-year-old Jarvis Postlewaite was convicted by a jury on the charges of Armed Robbery and Armed Habitual Offender, both class X felonies and for the Unlawful Possession of a Firearm/Felon, a class two felony. The Livingston County States Attorneys Office says Postlewaite robbed the BP gas station on Howard Street in Pontiac at gunpoint in January. During the robbery, Postlewaite stole money and fled the scene in a vehicle. The vehicles description was shared among law enforcement agencies leading to multiple high-speed chases with officers from the Pontiac Police Department, Livingston County Sheriffs Office, Grundy County Sheriff's Office, Dwight Police Department, City of Kankakee Police Department and Kankakee County Sheriff's Office. Prosecutors say the high speed chase ended when Postlewaites vehicle went airborne into a house in Kankakee. The crash scene spanned more than a block. Postlewaite fled the area on foot, but was later taken into custody. Officers found the gun used in the Robbery, as well as cash. According to the Illinois Department of Corrections, Postlewaite received a two-year prison term for dealing drugs in 2003; a 13-year prison term for Armed Robbery in 2005 and 18 years for Armed Robbery out of Kane County in 2012. Because of his priors, prosecutors say Postlewaite faces mandatory life in prison without the possibility of parole. _____________________________________________________   Don Johnson Purple Rose __________________________________________________ As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional, Father Sullivan recognized her, and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings, and back flips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes and one said to the other, Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me knickers on!" _____________________________________________________ Metric System Conversion Hints for Americans 1 nanosecond = the time between when you tell a child "no" and when he/she does it again 1 Milli-second = time elapsed after the recorded audio track plays and before the singers move their lips at a "live" concert 467 grams = what 2 grams of Haagen-Dazs will register on your bathroom scale 1 centimeter = the distance Joan Rivers' eyebrows move up each year 1 Molson = 2 Budweisers 1.5 meters = the circumference around Anna Nicole's chest - - or her waist 1 femtosecond = the time it takes a feminist to react to being called a "gal at the office" 28 grams = start flushing if there's a loud knock on the door 1 kilogram = the mass of the contents of your underpants the minute we go to terror threat condition red 14 Renaults = 1 Chevy Silverado 10,000 milligrams = the amount of sodium pentothal required to fell a rampaging Limbaugh 1 tonne = 1 regular ton + 16 kilograms of European attitude 1 liter = amount of gasoline purchased with a single unemployment check 600 meters = the distance between any two Starbucks franchises 1 hookernight = 1 kilodollar ___________________________________________________  DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Anthony RE: Name on top Dear Webby, Hi, webby, just a question, I signed up a long time ago, and really enjoy your daily jokes, it never fails to bring a smile, and occasionally even a laugh...my question is this, could you upgrade my subscription so that my name is displayed at the top...My name is Anthony, and while I do appreciate the fact that even though we have never met we can still be friends, I like to be on a first name basis with my friends.... by the way, what is your name??? thanks for your help.... AC color> Dear Anthony I gladly and cheerfully updated your subscription. The way I set it up, a CC of every subscription welcome notice comes to me, so that I have an idea how many got added every day. It always makes me sad when I see that somebody has subscribed but was too lazy to put their first name or nickname in. Re my name, I have been called DearWebby for so many years, that it is strange to hear any other name. On my driver's license it says Helmut HaveFUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________________   Jennil Modar juvenile Swainson's Hawk August 2022 Calgary East ___________________________________________________ Donna, has a son in 3rd grade. Part of his daily homework is to practice his spelling for his weekly tests. So together, Donna and her son go over the words for the test, both meaning and spelling of the words. A few weeks ago, her son brought home his test. He scored 97%, missing only one word. The word was "clock." Part of the test was to use each spelling list word in a sentence. His sentence? "My dad gave my mom a clock for her birthday" - only it seems he'd accidentally omitted the letter "L". Donna said there was no comment on the test, just the biggest check mark she had ever seen. ___________________________________________________ One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted in him getting his eye gouged out. He was rushed to hospital, and, after awaking from an emergency operation, was told by the doctor that he'd been given a glass eye. The man looked in the mirror to see the result, and was shocked to see that, whereas his original eye colour was blue, his new glass eye was brown. The man was outraged. ''I can't walk around like this!!" "Sir," the doctor said, "there is a severe shortage on blue eyes. We had to give you a brown one. If somehow you can get hold of a blue eye, and bring it here to the hospital, we will happily fit it for you.'' A few weeks later, the man was driving home from work late one night during a big storm. Suddenly, the car in front of him lost control and skidded off the road before finally hitting a tree. The man screeched to a halt, and ran down the embankment to see if he could help. He found the driver of the car sprawled out over the wreckage, dead as a doornail...with a blue glass eye! As it was so late at night and during such a big storm, noone was about. So the man proceeded to get a screwdriver and removed one of the deceased man's blue eyes, replacing it with his brown glass eye. He raced down to the local hospital to have the replacement blue eye fitted. A few days later, the man was driving along the same stretch of road when he saw the police examining the crash scene and towing the car wreck away. Concerned to find out if the police were on to him, the man decided to go over to try and see if the police had any leads. ''Excuse me, sir," said the policeman. "Do you know anything about this at all?'' ''No, constable'', said the man. ''Well, we can't figure this out. Somehow, this bloke managed to drive 40 years with two glass eyes!'' _____________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! ____________________________________________________ Ophelia Dingbatter's News No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt- in confirmation request. ____________________________________________________  Today, August 24, in 0079, Mount Vesuvius erupted killing approximately 20,000 people. The cities of Pompeii, Stabiae and Herculaneum were buried in volcanic ash. 0410, The Visigoths overran Rome. This event symbolized the fall of the Western Roman Empire. 1456, The printing of the Gutenberg Bible was completed. 1572, The Catholics began their slaughter of the French Protestants in Paris. The killings claimed about 70,000 people. 1814, Washington, DC, was invaded by British forces that set fire to the White House and Capitol. 1853, The first convention of the American Pharmaceutical Association was held. 1869, A patent for the waffle iron was received by Cornelius Swarthout. 1891, Thomas Edison applied for patents for the kinetoscope and kinetograph (U.S. Pats. 493,426 and 589,168). 1912, A four-pound limit was set for parcels sent through the U.S. Post Office mail system. 1932, Amelia Earhart became the first woman to fly across the U.S. non-stop. The trip from Los Angeles, CA to Newark, NJ, took about 19 hours. 1949, The North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) went into effect. The agreement was that an attack against any one of the parties would be considered "an attack against them all." 1954, The Communist Party was virtually outlawed in the U.S. when the Communist Control Act went into effect. 1959, Three days after Hawaiian statehood, Hiram L. Fong was sworn in as the first Chinese-American U.S. senator while Daniel K. Inouye was sworn in as the first Japanese- American U.S. representative. 1963, John Pennel pole-vaulted 17 feet and 3/4 inches becoming the first to break the 17-foot barrier. 1968, France became the 5th thermonuclear power when they exploded a hydrogen bomb in the South Pacific. 1985, 27 anti-apartheid leaders were arrested in South Africa as racial violence rocked the country. 1986, Frontier Airlines shut down. Thousands of people were left stranded. 1989, Pete Rose, the manager of the Cincinnati Reds, was banned from baseball for life after being accused of gambling on baseball. 1989, "Total war" was declared by Columbian drug lords on their government. 1989, The U.S. space probe, Voyager 2, sent back photographs of Neptune. 1990, Iraqi troops surrounded foreign missions in Kuwait. 1991, Russian President Mikhail Gorbachev resigned as the head of the Communist Party. 1992, China and South Korea established diplomatic relations. 1995, Microsoft's "Windows 95" went on sale. 1998, U.S. officials cited a soil sample as part of the evidence that a Sudan plant was producing precursors to the VX nerve gas. And, therefore made it a target for U.S. missiles on August 20, 1998. 1998, A donation of 24 beads was made, from three parties, to the Indian Museum of North America at the Crazy Horse Memorial. The beads are said to be those that were used in 1626 to buy Manhattan from the Indians. 2001, In McAllen, TX, Bridgestone/Firestone agreed to settle out of court and pay a reported $7.5 million to a family in a rollover accident in their Ford Explorer. 2001, The remains of nine American servicemen killed in the Korean War were returned to the U.S. The bodies were found about 60 miles north of Pyongyang. It was estimated that it would be a year before the identies of the soldiers would be known. 2001, U.S. District Judge Colleen Kollar-Kotelly was randomly picked to take over the Microsoft monopoly case. The judge was to decide how Microsoft should be punished for illegally trying to squelch its competitors. 2001, NASA announced that operation of the Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite would end by September 30th due to budget restrictions. Though the satellite is best known for monitoring a hole in the ozone layer over Antarctica, it was designed to provide information about the upper atmosphere by measuring its winds, temperatures, chemistry and energy received from the sun. 2006, The planet Pluto was reclassified as a "dwarf planet" by the International Astronomical Union (IAU). Pluto's status was changed due to the IAU's new rules for an object qualifying as a planet. Pluto met two of the three rules because it orbits the sun and is large enough to assume a nearly round shape. However, since Pluto has an oblong orbit and overlaps the orbit of Neptune it disqualified Pluto as a planet. 2022 Do! smiled.