Good Morning, Do! Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops! Thank you, Betty! ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ A 32-year-old man accused of raping a woman at knifepoint at a Wichita business has been charged. ___________________________________________________ Today, March 17 in 1931 The state of Nevada legalized gambling. ____________________________________________________ The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. --- Terry Pratchett Against logic there is no armor like ignorance. --- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988) ____________________________________________________ "What She Says: What She Really Means:" "Was that the baby?" ======= Check the baby & change/walk him "Just reminding you"======= I've asked you a dozen damn times "Do you love me?"======= I want something expensive "How much do you love me?"======= I did something terrible "Be ready in a minute"======= Find a game on TV "Is my butt fat?"======= Tell me I'm beautiful "Do you like this lipstick?"======= Tell me I'm beautiful "Should I get my hair cut?"======= Tell me I'm beautiful "Yes"======= No "Maybe"======= No "Well... we'll see"======= No "Perhaps"======= No "If you think so"======= No "Let's think about it"======= No "Shouldn't we wait?"======= No "Let's not rush things"======= No "No"======= NO !!! NEVER!!! NO WAY !!! "I'm sorry"======= You'll be sorry "Do you forgive me ?"======= You'll be sorry "Well, I was upset"======= You'll be sorry "Well, I was tired"======= You'll be sorry "Well, I had a headache"======= You'll be sorry "Do what you want"======= You'll pay for this later, big time "Do what you think best"======= You'll pay for this later, big time ____________________________________________________ A man in a trench coat walked into a supermarket. After walking around for several minutes he grabbed a large can of beans and moved on to the cashier. He placed the can down on the counter, opened his trench coat and slapped his penis down next to the beans. The shocked cashier picked up the can and proceeded to slam it repeatedly down on the flasher's private parts. He screamed and passed out from the pain. The police were called and in the memo section of the incident report the responding officer wrote, "He should have purchased a loaf of bread." ____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ THE PLAN In the beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance. And darkness was upon the face of the Airmen. And they spoke among themselves, saying "It is a crock of shit and it stinks." And the Airmen went unto their Sergeants and said "It is a pail of dung and we cannot live with the smell." And the Sergeants went unto their Captains, saying "It is a container of organic waste, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it." And the Captains went unto their Colonels, saying "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength." And the Colonels went to the Generals, saying unto them "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful." And the Generals went to the President, saying unto him "This new plan will actively promote growth and vigor with very powerful effects." And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good. And the Plan became Policy. And this is how shit happens. __________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Arden Van Horn, 32, Wichita, Kansas, USA A 32-year-old man accused of raping a woman at knifepoint at a Wichita business has been charged. Arden Van Horn made his first court appearance on Wednesday where and was charged with 11 counts including aggravated battery, rape, aggravated criminal sodomy, aggravated kidnapping, criminal damage to property and aggravated escape. Sunday afternoon, a 47-year-old woman reported to Wichita police that a suspect entered the business she worked at, held a knife to her, strangled and battered her, and sexually assaulted her. Police said Van Horn has multiple previous felony convictions and is registered as a violent offender through the Kansas Bureau of Investigation. Van Horn's next court appearance is March 25. He is held on a $325,000 bond. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Ellen Re: Next eclipse Dear Webby When is the next eclipse, and where do I find that kind of information? Ellen Dear Ellen Try this link at the Farmer's Almanac for Eclipses in 2021 Have FUN! DearWebby It is illegal for a woman in Montana to dance on a bar with less than 3 pounds of clothing on. That is why their dancers wear gum boots or steel toe work boots. In Virginia it is illegal to go out without wearing a corset. By the way there used to be an Official Corset Inspector. In Missouri, however, corsets were prohibited as it denied men the privilege of seeing the naturally curvaceous form of women. No wonder they call Missouri the Show Me State. Show it ALL baby! In Cleveland, Ohio it is illegal for a woman to wear patent leather shoes in case she offends onlookers with a glimpse of her panties in the reflection. Hey, the most of the girls I know from Cleveland, dont even WEAR panties. And Boy, do I love their cute shiny shoes! In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm. Apparently that was such a popular fad, that they needed a law about it. In Newcastle, Wyoming there is a law against having sex in a butcher shop's meat freezer. The nap afterward can be deadly! In Ventura County, California there is a law against cats and dogs having sex without a permit. Yeah Like I tried calling the Ventura County offices, and told the lady my dog and cat had the hots for each other, and could I get a permit so they could do the nasty. The nerve of that woman, hanging up on me like that. In Texas, its illegal to possess more than (6) dildos or vibrators, while its perfectly legal to carry concealed weapons. In Washington, D.C. there is a law against having sex in any position other than face-to-face. Except for politicians, of course. | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ Home Mechanic's Tools... and their usage.... HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of radar device to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the pessimism principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VICE- GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing grease out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for, the last 15 minutes. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...." HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your tool box after determining that your battery is dead as a door nail, just as you thought. METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads and can double as oil filter removal wrench by stabbing through stubborn oil filters. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off. PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short. ____________________________________________ "More Interesting Factoids" The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstones. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 81,000. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China 1910. The youngest pope was 20 years old. ____________________________________________ The following were answers provided by 6th graders during a history test. Watch the spelling! Some of the best humor is in the misspelling. 1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients . Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada. 3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. 4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth. 5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. 6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. 7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus." 8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. 9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "Hurrah". 10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. 11. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper. 12. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet. 13. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. ____________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ Today, March 19 in 1571 Spanish troops occupied Manila. 1628 The Massachusetts colony was founded by Englishmen. 1644 200 members of the Peking imperial family/court committed suicide. 1687 French explorer La Salle was murdered by his own men while searching for the mouth of the Mississippi River, in the Gulf of Mexico. 1702 Upon the death of William III of Orange, Anne Stuart, the sister of Mary, succeeds to the throne of England, Scotland and Ireland. 1748 The English Naturalization Act passed granting Jews right to colonize in the U.S. 1775 Poland & Prussia signed a trade agreement. 1831 The first bank robbery in America was reported. The City Bank of New York City lost $245,000 in the robbery. 1865 The Battle of Bentonville took place. The Confederates retreated from Greenville, NC. 1866 The immigrant ship Monarch of the Seas sank in Liverpool killing 738. 1895 The Los Angeles Railway was established to provide streetcar service. 1900 U.S. President McKinley asserted that there was a need for free trade with Puerto Rico. 1900 Archeologist Arthur John Evans began the excavation of Knossos Palace in Greece. 1903 The U.S. Senate ratified the Cuban treaty, gaining naval bases in Guantanamo and Bahia Honda. 1906 Reports from Berlin estimated the cost of the German war in S.W. Africa at $150 million. 1908 The state of Maryland barred Christian Scientists from practicing without medical diplomas. 1915 Pluto was photographed for the first time. However, it was not known at the time. 1917 The U.S. Supreme Court upheld the Adamson Act that made the eight-hour workday for railroads constitutional. 1918 The U.S. Congress approved Daylight-Saving Time. 1918 A German seaplane was shot down for the first time by an American pilot. 1920 The U.S. Senate rejected the Versailles Treaty for the second time maintaining an isolation policy. 1924 U.S. troops were rushed to Tegucigalpa as rebel forces took the Honduran capital. 1931 The state of Nevada legalized gambling. 1940 The French government of Daladier fell. 1945 About 800 people were killed as Japanese kamikaze planes attacked the U.S. carrier Franklin off Japan. 1945 Adolf Hitler issued his "Nero Decree" which ordered the destruction of German facilities that could fall into Allied hands as German forces were retreating. 1947 Chiang Kai-Shek's government forces took control of Yenan, the former headquarters of the Chinese Communist Party. 1948 Lee Savold knocked out Gino Buonvino in 54 seconds of the first round of their prize fight at Madison Square Gardens. 1949 The Soviet People's Council signed the constitution of the German Democratic Republic, and declared that the North Atlantic Treaty was merely a war weapon. 1954 Viewers saw the first televised prize fight shown in color when Joey Giardello knocked out Willie Tory in round seven at Madison Square Garden in New York City. 1954 The first rocket-driven sled that ran on rails was tested in Alamogordo, NM. 1963 In Costa Rica, U.S. President John F. Kennedy and six Latin American presidents pledged to fight Communism. 1965 Indonesia nationalized all foreign oil companies. 1965 Rembrandt's "Titus" sold for $7,770,000. 1969 British invaded Anguilla. 1972 India and Bangladesh signed a friendship treaty. 1976 Buckingham Palace announced the separation of Princess Margaret and her husband, the Earl of Snowdon, after 16 years of marriage. 1977 Congo President Marien Ngouabi was killed by a suicide commando. 1977 France performed a nuclear test at Muruora Island. 1981 During a test of the space shuttle Columbia two workers were injured and one was killed. 1981 The Buffalo Sabres set an NHL record when they scored 9 goals in one period against Toronto. 1984 A Mobile oil tanker spilled 200,000 gallons into the Columbia River. 1985 IBM announced that it was planning to stop making the PCjr consumer-oriented computer. 1985 The U.S. Senate voted to authorize production of the MX missile. 1987 Televangelist Jim Bakker resigned from the PTL due to a scandal involving Jessica Hahn. 1988 Two British soldiers were killed by mourners at a funeral in Belfast, North Ireland. The soldiers were shot to death after being dragged from a car and beaten. 1990 Latvia's political opposition claimed victory in the republic's first free elections in 50 years. 1990 The first world ice hockey tournament for women was held in Ottawa. 1991 Brett Hull, of the St. Louis Blues, became the third National Hockey League (NHL) player to score 80 goals in a season. 1994 The largest omelet in history was made with 160,000 eggs in Yokohama, Japan. 1999 53 people were killed and dozens were injured when a bomb exploded in a market place in southern Russia. 2000 Vector Data Systems conducted a simulation of the 1993 Branch Davidian siege in Waco, TX. The simulation showed that the government had not fired first. 2001 California officials declared a power alert and ordered the first of two days of rolling blackouts. 2002 Operation Anaconda, the largest U.S.-led ground offensive since the Gulf War, ended in eastern Afghanistan. During the operation, which began on March 2, it was reported that at least 500 Taliban and al Qaeda fighters were killed. Eleven allied troops were killed during the same operation. 2003 U.S. President George W. Bush announced that U.S. forces had launched a strike against "targets of military opportunity" in Iraq. The attack, using cruise missiles and precision-guided bombs, were aimed at Iraqi leaders thought to be near Baghdad. 2015 Apple replaced AT&T in the Dow Jones Industrial Average. 2021 Do smiled.
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