Good Morning, Do! Today is Friday, June 1 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops! Hilarious part of the news: Broom Hilda wants to be elected CEO of FaceBook. Putin apparently needs a hernia transplant after laughing himself sick. Soros, Broom Hilda's sponsor, apparently asked what she is smoking these days. Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Woman had to slip note to veterinary staff pleading for rescue from boyfriend Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, June 1 in 1774 The British government ordered the Port of Boston closed. More of today in history at HIstory ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. --- Jackie Mason (1934 - ) Never have children, only grandchildren. --- Gore Vidal (1925 - ) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal. Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing." The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man say, "I felt like a new man when my wife woke me up to go home!" _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ Thanks to Connie for these Marriage Quips: Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding? A: Not if you are the groom. Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony? A: Anything except 'Tied to the Whipping Post'. Q: How can you tell the married men at a wedding reception? A: They're the ones dancing with everyone but their wives. Q: What is a wedding tragedy? A: To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money. Q: What's long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on their wedding night? A: A last name. Q: How is marriage like a hot bath? A: Once you get used to it, it's not so hot. Q: If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose: A: Would you go to lunch or to a movie? Q: How do I make my wife stop buying all these gloves? A: Buy her a diamond ring. Q: What is the best way to annoy your wife/husband during sex? A: Call her/him on the telephone. _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Jeremy Floyd, 39 DeLand, Florida Woman slipped note to veterinary staff pleading for rescue from boyfriend A woman who told authorities she had been beaten and threatened by her boyfriend escaped from him after slipping a note to staff at a Florida veterinary hospital, according to the Volusia County Sheriff's Office. The note that Carolyn Reichle , 28, gave to a member of staff at a veterinary office in DeLand on Friday read: Call the cops. My boyfriend is threatening me. He has a gun. Please don't let him know. Reichle had allegedly been held in her home for two days, beaten and threatened by her boyfriend, Jeremy Floyd. She eventually convinced him that her dog needed to go to the DeLand Animal Hospital, according to a police report. Floyd, 39, insisted on going with her and on the car ride over he pointed a loaded gun at her and threaten to kill her and her family, according to the report. Staff at the animal hospital called police who arrested Floyd. He was found to be carrying a loaded gun. Reichle was taken to an area hospital and treated for a head injury, a black eye and bruised arms. Reichle told authorities her ordeal began Wednesday when Floyd allegedly threatened her at gunpoint and physically prevented her from leaving. She told police she tried to get the gun away from him and during the struggle the weapon went off twice. Police located two bullet holes in drywall inside the home. Police have charged Floyd with domestic violence, aggravated assault with a firearm, false imprisonment, possession of a firearm by a convicted felon, possession of ammunition by a convicted felon and simple battery. He is being held without bail at the Volusia County Branch Jail. Tech Support Pits From: Mary Re: No mail going out via neighbor's wireless Dear Webby, I don't know whether it is the same problem, but MY mail won't go out when I try to send it on my neighbor's wireless connection. My technician says it isbecause the wireless system does not recognize my (landline) configuration. However, I do not understand why I cannot get my bank's website. (????) I just figured that tomorrow I'll get onto my sister's wireless connection with her computer. (I AM ON VACATION.) M Dear Mary You have to change the SMTP server name in your mail config to show the SMTP server normally used by your neighbor's computer. For example, if your neighbor connects to the net via earthlink, then you would have to set the SMTP server name to smtp.earthlink.net. Your bank probably uses a similar verification scheme. Have FUN DearWebby Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican? Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock Cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? 1) Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few weeks and try to come to a consensus and AAARGH! 2) Republican's Answer: BANG! 3)Southern Republican's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click ...(sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click Daughter: Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those my Winchester Silver Tips or Mom's Hollow Points? Son: Git-R-Dun Pop! Can I do the next one? Wife: You ain't taking THAT to the taxidermist! Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. The patient demanded, "Doc, I just must have a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a cornea transplant, a lung transplant, and a heart transplant." "WHAT?" yelled the doctor. "Tell me, exactly why you think you need all these transplants." "Well," explained the patient, "my boss told me that I needed to get reorganized." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in a long, long line for judgment. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the Gates of Heaven; others, though, were led over to Satan, who threw them into a burning pit of fire. Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss him (or her) to one side. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the better of him and he strolled over and tapped Satan on the shoulder. "Excuse me, there, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering why you are tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?" "Ah", Satan said with a grin. "They are people from Seattle; they're still too wet to burn!" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Fighting Mildew with Bleach This is to follow up on the tip from Thrifty fun to fight mildew. A safer and better alternative than bleach is BORAX (chemical name: Sodium perborate). It can be purchased in laundry aisle of most supermarkets. The common brand is "20 Mule Team borax" Just mix the powder with water, it forms a suspension, then use that with a wet cloth. You can use a spray bottle but occasionally the spray nozzle might get clogged. But borax (imo) is safer to use than bleach and I used it last year to good effect. Nari Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ *Seen Signs* These signs might not communicate what was hoped for. On a California freeway: Fine for Littering On the wall of a British Columbia cleaning service: Able to Do the Worst Possible Job In a New York jewellery store: Genuine Fauz Pearls In a Kansas City oculist's office: Broken lenses duplicated here In a Boston fast-food parking lot: Parking for Drive-Through Customers Only Billboard on Florida highway: If You Can't Read, We Can Help On the Triborough Bridge in New York: In Event of Air Attack Drive Off Bridge On a Lockhart, Texas, gas station and minimart: We're out of Rolaids, but we've got gas. At the basketball court in a Gastonton, North Carolina, YMCA: Anyone caught hanging from the rim will be suspended On a Rapid City store: Give That Bride a Good Case of Worms or Other Fine Bait On the door of an Ellsworth, Maine, restaurant: The Indian Trading Post will be closed for Yom Kippur In a Grand Rapids restaurant: Half baked chicken In a Dayton barbershop: During vacation of owner, a competent hair stylist will be here On a Jacksonville, Florida, bookstore: Rare, out-of-print, and nonexistent books Near Tucson, Arizona: Warning DIP. Do not enter during rain. Hotel catering to skiers, Northern Italy: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. Car rental brochure, Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. ___________________________________________________ A plumber was called to a woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly. About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, "He's on his way home, but he's going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off." The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??" ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ Groan Alert: Ben Kenobi and Luke Flyswatter are having a Chinese supper. Ben picks up the chopsticks and starts eating. Luke is having problems, there is food over his face, his clothes, and the table, but not much in his mouth. "What should I do?" he asks Ben. "Use the forks, Luke!" ____________________________________________________ | Today, June 1 in 1533 Anne Boleyn, Henry VIII's new queen, was crowned. 1774 The British government ordered the Port of Boston closed. 1861 The first skirmish of the U.S. Civil War took place at the Fairfax Court House, Virginia. 1869 Thomas Edison received a patent for his electric voting machine. It was never used. 1877 U.S. troops were authorized to pursue bandits into Mexico. 1892 The General Electric Company (GE) began operations after the merging of the Edison General Electric and the Thomson-Houston Electric companies. 1896 In Paris, France, the first recorded automobile theft occurred. The Peugeot of Baron de Zuylen de Nyevelt was stolen by his mechanic. 1915 Germany conducted the first zeppelin air raid over England. 1916 The National Defense Act increased the strength of the U.S. National Guard by 450,000 men. 1921 A race riot erupted in Tulsa, Oklahoma. 85 people were killed. 1935 The Ingersoll-Waterbury Company reported that it had produced 2.5 million Mickey Mouse watches during its 2-year association with Disney. 1938 Baseball helmets were worn for the first time. 1939 The Douglas DC-4 made its first passenger flight from Chicago to New York. 1941 The German Army completed the capture of Crete as the Allied evacuation ended. 1942 The U.S. began sending Lend-Lease materials to the Soviet Union. 1943 During World War II, Germans shot down a civilian flight from Lisbon to London. 1944 The French resistance was warned by a coded message from the British that the D-Day invasion was imminent. 1944 Siesta was abolished by the government of Mexico. 1954 In the Peanuts comic strip, Linus' security blanket made its debut. 1958 Charles de Gaulle became the premier of France. 1958 IBM ended its design of machines that contained electronic tubes. 1961 Radio listeners in New York, California, and Illinois were introduced to FM multiplex stereo broadcasting. A year later the FCC made this a standard. 1963 Governor George Wallace vowed to defy an injunction that ordered the integration of the University of Alabama. 1970 Zimbabwe came into existence. It was formerly known as Rhodesia. 1972 In Iraq, The Ba'athist government nationalized the western- owned Iraq Petroleum Company and turned operations over to the Iraq National Oil Company. 1977 The Soviet Union formally charged Jewish human rights activist Anatoly Shcharansky with treason. He was imprisoned until 1986. 1978 The U.S. reported the finding of wiretaps in the American embassy in Moscow. 1979 In the U.S., the government-controlled ceiling on oil prices ends. The control was phased out over 28 months. 1980 Cable News Network (CNN) made its debut as the first all-news station. 1995 At Disneyland Paris, the attraction "Space Mountain: From The Earth to the Moon" opened. 1998 In the U.S., the FDA approved a urine-only test for the AIDS virus. 1998 A $124 million suit was brought against Goodyear Tire & Rubber that alleged discrimination towards black workers. 1999 Merrill Lynch chairman David Komansky announced that the firm would soon allow its customers to buy and sell stocks over the Internet. 2008 The Phoenix Mars Lander became the first NASA spacecraft to scoop Martian soil. 2009 General Motors filed for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy. The filing made GM the largest U.S. industrial company to enter bankruptcy protection. 2018 Do smiled. |
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