Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, Do! Today is Thursday, January 9 Tomorow, Friday, DearWebby has to go to Calgary for injections into his eyeballs. He goes to Southern Calgary. I am in the North and busy shoveling snow. Barb, his former secretary will drive him. He won't be using his Braille readers to check my bra. He won't be sending out ANY newsletters or emails on Saturday, Sunday or Monday. He is hoping the good, used Refurb computer, that he ordered to replace the dying klunker, will arrive by Monday. Don't be surprised if he takes an extra day to set it up and try to salvage what he can from the klunker. (`v) Ophelia 
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. 
 1 Ron and Jan had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their two-up two-down terrace house. After a few days an attractive young woman applies for the room. She explains that she is a model working in a nearby studio and needs the room for a few weeks. Jan shows her the house and they agree to start straight away. "There's just one problem," explains the model. "Because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath." "That's not a problem," repliesJan, "we have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water." "What about your husband?" asks the model. "Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he'll be out in the evenings," replies Jan. "Good," says the model, "that's settled. I'll go to the studio and see you tonight." That evening Ron dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Jan prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model steps into the bath and Jan is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The model notices Jan's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her job to shave herself especially when modeling swim wear or underclothes. Later when Ron returns, Jan relates this oddity and he does not believe her. "It's true, I tell you," says Jan. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself." The next night Ron leaves as usual and Jan prepares the bath for the model. As the model steps naked into the bath, Jan, standing behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model's hairless crotch. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own hairy thatch. Later that evening, Ron returns and they retire to bed. "Well, do you believe me now?" she asks Ron. "Yes," he replies. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But, why did you lift up your skirt and show yours too?" "Just to show you the difference," answers Jan, "but anyway, you've seen me with no knickers on thousands of times." "Yes," says Ron, "I have ... but the rest of the dart team hasn't !!! ____________________________________________________ 2 A bloke is sat at a bar when he sees this gorgeous woman waiting for her date. He decides to go over and chat her up. 'I think you're wasting your time, I'm only interested in women' said the woman. 'Oh come on, I bet I can change your mind' said the bloke. After ten minutes of the bloke pestering her, she had had enough. 'OK' said the woman 'I'll sleep with you if you can do anything for me that my vibrator can't!' 'OK, barman get this lady a drink' he said. 'let's see your vibrator do that!' ___________________________________________________ 3 A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket. A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on. Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?" "I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex.... But a talking frog is pretty neat." ___________________________________________________ 4 There once was a scientist doing an experiment on the reaction of fleas. He had trained a flea to jump on command. The scientist would command the flea "Jump Flea!" and the flea would jump. Then the scientist would proceed to pull off one of the fleas many legs with a pair of tweezers and write a comment in his notebook about the distance the flea would jump. The scientist did this many times until the flea had only one leg left. The scientist said "Jump Flea!" and the flea made it's best effort to jump, which the scientist recorded in his notebook. After he pulled off its last leg, the scientist commanded the flea to jump, and after repeating the command many times without the flea responding he jotted down in his notebook,.... ..."After the flea looses all of his legs it becomes completely deaf." That's "Dr" Suzuki of the Canadian Government Propaganda Department. ___________________________________________________ 6 If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it! ___________________________________________________ 7 On Answering Machines: Did you ever hear one of these corny, 'positive' mesages on someone's answering machine? They usually go something like this....... "Hi, it's a great day & I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is, 'Share the love.' Leave your name & number after the beep. I'll get right back to ya." >> "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling..... Speaking of being 'positive', your test is back. STOP sharing the love!" Click. ___________________________________________________ 8 Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?" Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?" "Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want." Larry is recovering nicely at the hospital. ==================================================== 
 
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