Good Morning, Do! Today is Sunday, August 7, 2022  ___________________________________________________ History on this day, August 4, in 1942, U.S. forces landed at Guadalcanal, marking the start of the first major allied offensive in the Pacific during World War II. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Floriduh Woman arrested for DUI, driving a golf cart on the freeway _________________________________________________ I hope that while so many people are out smelling the flowers, someone is taking the time to plant some. --- Herbert Rappaport I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell-you see, I have friends in both places. --- Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me. __________________________________________________ A woman came into my pharmacy with a shopping list. As she asked for items such as hair spray and toothpaste, I inquired what size of each she wanted. Everything was going well until she requested a bottle of Pepto-Bismol. I was surprised when, in response to my usual question, "What size?" she said, "What size would you suggest? I'm only having four for dinner." ___________________________________________________ A handyman, who was working for a synagogue in Allentown, PA, asked for a raise and was flatly refused. So, he quit his job and went out searching for work. First, he went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there, he would have to answer one question. "Where was Jesus born?" the minister asked. The handyman answered, "Pittsburgh," and was promptly thrown out. He then went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there, he would have to answer one question. "Where was Jesus born?" the priest asked. "Philadelphia," the handyman answered. Again, he was thrown out. As he continued his search, he met up with the rabbi who happened to be looking for him. "I've been looking everywhere for you," exclaimed the rabbi. "The board has approved your raise. Please, come back immediately." "I will come back," the handyman replied, "but only if you answer one question. Where was Jesus born?" "Bethlehem," the rabbi replied. "Aha!" cried the handyman. "I knew it was somewhere in Pennsylvania!" __________________________________________________ >Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Diane Hawk, 58, Barefoot Bay Floriduh, USA  Floriduh Woman arrested for DUI, driving a golf cart on the freeway  A Central Florida woman was arrested Saturday evening for allegedly driving a golf cart on Interstate 95 while under the influence, according to the Florida Highway Patrol. Troopers were called out to I-95 North at mile marker 167 in Brevard County about six miles away from SR-514 after several drivers reported seeing a golf cart being driven on the interstate, an arrest report stated. When FHP arrived in the area, they found a semi truck on the shoulder with the golf cart nearby. The semi truck driver told troopers she saw the driver of the golf cart, later identified as Diane Hawk, 58, of Barefoot Bay, passing out behind the wheel. She then guided Hawk off the road and took the keys to the golf cart from her, as Hawk was reportedly trying to drive on the interstate again. _____________________________________________________ Bubba and Joe were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another experienced hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey, guys, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it's sure easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground." After the third hunter left, the boys decided to give it a try. A little while later Bubba said to Joe Bob, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" Joe Bob said, "Yep... but we're getting farther and farther away from the truck!" _____________________________________________________ Jill is sitting in the doctor's office when the doctor came in and said, "Jill, this isn't a urine sample you brought in. It's apple juice." "Oh my god" Jill said, "I've got to get to a phone." "Why?" asked the doctor. "I must have packed the other bottle in Joe's lunch box." ___________________________________________________   Petropavlovsk fortress on the Neva river in Saint Peterburg DT Gomez ___________________________________________________ THE RULES OF CHOCOLATE Q: Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A: Because no one wants to quit. Q: Is there life without chocolate? A: We don't know. No one dared to attempt it yet. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other? Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy? If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you? If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you? ___________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits  From: Erika RE: Old Monitor Dear Webby, Don't ever lend a good monitor to son's MIL! You won't get it back. I still have an ancient 19" tube type monitor in the garage and my son says I should use that until his wife's mother brings my flat 24" monitor back. Yeah, right. Will that old tube type monitor work on my fairly new computer? Erika color> Dear Erika You won't get your monitor back. Send your son an invoice for replacing it. Then HE can have the old 19" boat anchor. Your "fairly new" computer COULD handle the old relic, but you would need some help to lug it in from the garage and lift it onto your desk. Try the invoice first, after finding out how much a new flat 24" costs in your town, delivered! Have FUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________________ >From Gary The other day I was playing golf and saw an unusual thing. A golfer became so mad that he threw his brand new set of golf clubs into the lake. A few minutes later he came back, waded into the lake, and retrieved his clubs. He proceeded to take his car keys out of the bag -- then threw the clubs back into the water. _____________________________________________________   11, count them! ___________________________________________________ Moisha Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of Germany. He hid all his assets and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made. When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth. So Moisha explained. "We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth." The customs official shook his head and said, "Well, that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?" Moisha then said "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food. The customs official slapped his head and then said, "You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?" "Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich." ___________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! ___________________________________________________ Two men at abar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours. One of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl." The other replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit." So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me." Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance." The man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" he asks. "She said she's constipated on macaroni and would rather shit her pants." _____________________________________________________ Little Yossi and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandma's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Yossi received his plate he started eating right away. "Yossi wait until we say our prayer." "I don't have to." The boy replied. "Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's our house," Yossi explained. "But this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook." _____________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________ Al-Qaeda was revealed Friday to be plotting chemical attacks on U.S. cities, prompting the Orange Alert. The chemicals could cause brain impairment, lethargy, coughing and choking. In other words, the attack will go virtually undetected in San Francisco, Los Angeles and New York. ___________________________________________________ Who Needs a Man??? If you want someone who will do anything to please you, get a dog. If you want someone who will bring you the newspaper without tearing through it first for the sports page, get a dog. If you want someone who'll make a total fool of himself because he's so glad to see you, get a dog. If you want someone who eats whatever you put in front of him and never says his mother made it better, get a dog. If you want someone who's always eager to go out any time you ask and anywhere you want to go, get a dog. If you want someone who can scare away burglars without waving a lethal weapon around, endangering you and all the neighbors, get a dog. If you want someone who never touches the remote, couldn't care less about Monday Night Football, and watches dramatic movies with you as long as you want, get a dog. If you want someone who'll be content just to snuggle up and keep you warm in bed, and who you can kick out of bed if he slobbers and snores, get a dog. If you want someone who never criticizes anything you do, doesn't care how good or bad you look, acts as though every word you say is worth hearing, never complains, and loves you unconditionally all the time, get a dog! On the other hand... If you want someone who never comes when you call him, totally ignores you when you walk into the room, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, prowls around all night and come home only to eat and sleep all day, and acts as though you are there only to see that HE's happy... Get a CAT! ____________________________________________________ 
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 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 
 Today, August 7, in 1789, The U.S. War Department was established by the U.S. Congress. 1782, George Washington created the Order of the Purple Heart. 1888, Theophilus Van Kannel received a patent for the revolving door. 1914, Germany invaded France. 1934, The U.S. Court of Appeals upheld a lower court ruling striking down the government's attempt to ban the controversial James Joyce novel "Ulysses." 1942, U.S. forces landed at Guadalcanal, marking the start of the first major allied offensive in the Pacific during World War II. 1947, The balsa wood raft Kon-Tiki, which had carried a six-man crew 4,300 miles across the Pacific Ocean, crashed into a reef in a Polynesian archipelago. 1959, The U.S. launched Explorer 6, which sent back a picture of the Earth. 1960, The Cuban Catholic Church condemned the rise of communism in Cuba. Fidel Castro then banned all religious TV and radio broadcasts. 1964, The U.S. Congress passed the Gulf of Tonkin resolution, which gave President Johnson broad powers in dealing with reported North Vietnamese attacks on U.S. forces. 1974, French stuntman Philippe Petit walked a tightrope strung between the twin towers of New York's World Trade Center. 1976, Scientists in Pasadena, CA, announced that the Viking 1 spacecraft had found strong indications of possible life on Mars. 1983, AT&T employees went on strike. 1987, The presidents of five Central American nations, met in Guatemala City, and signed an 11-point agreement designed to bring peace to their region. 1990, U.S. President George H.W. Bush ordered U.S. troops and warplanes to Saudi Arabia to guard against a possible invasion by Iraq. 2003, In California, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he would run for the office of governor. 2003, Stephen Geppi bought a 1963 G.I. Joe prototype for $200,000. 2022 Do! smiled. 

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!