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___________________________________________________ History: on this day, January 31, in 1958, Explorer I was put into orbit around the earth. It was the first U.S. earth satellite. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Awards: Spanish police seize cocaine worth $114 million from cattle ship __________________________________________________ Q I always find it more difficult to say the things I mean than the things I don't. --- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965) ________________________________________________ The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come He doesn't do it?" she asked. __________________________________________________ Dear Webby, Thought this might be suitable for your great website. I love telling this story to ladies and watch as their eyes widen as the story progresses. Be well, Trevor Just trying to grow old disgracefully. The lady of the Manor arrives home after a night out and gets out of the Rolls Royce. James the butler opens the manor house door and says Good Evening, Madam She says, "Good Evening James," She then says James, take off my coat James takes off her coat. She then says James, take off my dress James takes off her dress. She then says James take off my bra. James takes off her bra. She then says James, take off my panties. James takes off her panties. Then she says If I catch you wearing my clothes again, Im going to fire you! __________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An International Bonehead Award has been earned by Lucio Catarino Diaz, Houston, Texas, USA Spanish police seize cocaine worth $114 million from cattle ship Spanish police seized 4.5 tonnes of cocaine with an estimated street value of 105 million euros (US$114 million) after raiding a cattle ship off the Canary Islands earlier this week, a statement said on Saturday. Spanish police seized 4.5 tonnes of cocaine with an estimated street value of 105 million euros (US$114 million) after raiding a cattle ship off the Canary Islands earlier this week, a statement said on Saturday. International organizations are reinventing themselves to transport drugs from Latin America to Europe, using livestock to make the control and localization more difficult, the Spanish police statement said. Police arrested 28 crew members on the Togo-flagged Orion V, which had been trailed from Colombia in an operation by Spanish authorities, the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration and Togo police. Officers unloaded dozens of boxes containing the cocaine on the port side in Las Palmas on the island of Gran Canaria. __________________________________________________________ _ Beverly ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ____________________________________________________ A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the blazes was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!" I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies. ____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the teacher decided to get her small pupils involved by playing a game in which they identified animals. "I'm going to describe something to you. Let's see if you can guess what it is. First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees." The children looked at her blankly. "I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns." No response. This wasn't going well at all! Finally a kid volunteered: "Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus -- but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!" __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! _____________________________________________________ Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Fathers Day morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early on Fathers Day morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the links. The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says " Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turn to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I patted my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, is it sex or golf?' and she said, 'Take your sweater, looks like it might be windy out there'." ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Mike: Why don't you play golf with Bob any more? Joe: Would you play with someone who curses after each shot, cheats in the bunkers and enters false scores on his card? Mike: No! Joe: Neither will Bob. ____________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits from: Judy RE: Opening strange emails Dear Webby, Ever since I've been getting your Humor letters, I never open an e-mail unless I know for certain who it is from. My hope is that by not opening it at all, I don't run into a problem and so far it seems to work. It also seems to me this has been a piece of advice you've mentioned fairly often in your humor letters. Thank you for consistantly trying to keep us safe. Between that and the fun stuff you send us, we are ready to go for the day ahead. Thanks again, Judy Dear Judy Good for YOU! Have FUN DearWebby _____________________________________________________ >From Linda My cousin just called and asked if I would loan her $400.00 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family if I can. I told her money is a little tight now, give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $400.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday. I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the $400.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin and told her to come and get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from the Cass County jail. It was my cousin crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response...so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday! ____________________________________________________ Today, January 31 in 1606, Guy Fawkes was executed after being convicted for his role in the "Gunpowder Plot" against the English Parliament and King James I. 1747, The first clinic specializing in the treatment of venereal diseases was opened at London Dock Hospital. At that time London had only about 100.000 hookers. 1858, The Great Eastern, the five-funnelled steamship designed by Brunel, was launched at Millwall. 1865, In America, General Robert E. Lee was named general- in-chief of the Confederate armies. 1865, The 13th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution was passed by the U.S. House of Representatives. It was ratified by the necessary number of states on December 6, 1865. The amendment abolished slavery in the United States. 1876, All Native American Indians were ordered to move into reservations. 1893, The trademark "Coca-Cola" was first registered in the United States Patent Office. 1917, Germany announced its policy of unrestricted submarine warfare. 1929, The USSR exiled Leon Trotsky. He found asylum in Mexico. 1930, U.S. Navy Lt. Ralph S. Barnaby became the first glider pilot to have his craft released from a dirigible, a large blimp, at Lakehurst, NJ. 1934, Jim Londos defeated Joe Savoldi in a one-fall match in Chicago, IL. The crowd of 20,000 was one of the largest crowds to see a wrestling match. 1936, The radio show "The Green Hornet" debuted. 1940, The first Social Security check was issued by the U.S. Government. 1944, During World War II, U.S. forces invaded Kwajalein Atoll and other areas of the Japanese-held Marshall Islands. 1945, Private Eddie Slovik became the only U.S. soldier since the U.S. Civil War to be executed for desertion. 1946, A new constitution in Yugoslavia created six constituent republics (Serbia, Montenegro, Croatia, Slovenia, Bosnia-Herzegovina, Macedonia) subordinated to a central authority, on the model of the USSR. 1949, The first TV daytime soap opera was broadcast from NBC's station in Chicago, IL. It was "These Are My Children." 1950, U.S. President Truman announced that he had ordered development of the hydrogen bomb. 1958, Explorer I was put into orbit around the earth. It was the first U.S. earth satellite. 1960, Julie Andrews, Henry Fonda, Rex Harrison and Jackie Gleason, appeared in a two-hour TV special entitled "The Fabulous 50s". 1971, Astronauts Alan B. Shepard Jr., Edgar D. Mitchell and Stuart A. Roosa blasted off aboard Apollo 14 on a mission to the moon. 1971, Telephone service between East and West Berlin was re-established after 19 years. 1982, Sandy Duncan gave her final performance as "Peter Pan" in Los Angeles, CA. She completed 956 performances without missing a show. 1983, The wearing of seat belts in cars became compulsory in Britain. 1983, JCPenney announced plans to spend in excess of $1 billion over the next five years to modernize stores and to accelerate a repositioning program. 1985, The final Jeep rolled off the assembly line at the AMC plant in Toledo, OH. 1990, McDonald's Corp. opened its first fast-food restaurant in Moscow, Russia. 1995, U.S. President Clinton invoked presidential emergency authority to provide a $20 billion loan to Mexico to stabilize its economy. 1996, In Columbo, Sri Lanka, a truck was rammed into the gates of the Central Bank. The truck filled with explosives killed at least 86 and injured 1,400. 2000, An Alaska Airlines jet crashed into the ocean off Southern California. All 88 people on board were killed. 2001, A Scottish court in the Netherlands convicted one Libyan and acquitted a second in the bombing of Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland, that occurred in 1988. 2022 Do smiled.
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