Good Morning, Do, Today is Saturday, September 2 Have Fun! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Kentucky burglar steals school bus, leads herd of cops on an Interstate chase.  Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, Sept 2 in 31 B.C. The Roman leader Octavian defeated the alliance of Mark Antony and Cleopatra. Octavian, as Augustus Caesar, became the first Roman emperor. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ 
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 ______________________________________________________ The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided. --- Casey Stengel (1890 - 1975) The man who lets himself be bored is even more contemptible than the bore. --- Samuel Butler (1835 - 1902) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!  ______________________________________________________ Do was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at the olive in the drink. A dozen times the olive eluded her. Finally, another patron, who had been watching intently from the next stool, became exasperated and grabbed the toothpick. "Here, this is how you do it." he said, as he easily skewered the olive. "Big Deal," muttered Do. "I already had him so tired out, he couldn't get away." _____________________________________________________   ______________________________________________________ The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!" ______________________________________________________   _____________________________________________________ 
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 ______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Brandon Peckinpaugh, 24, Jefferson County, Kentucky  Kentucky burglar steals school bus, leads herd of cops on an Interstate chase.   There was an unlikely sight on Birmingham area interstates Monday morning as law enforcement officers from multiple agencies chased a stolen school bus. Brandon Peckinpaugh, 24, of Kentucky, was booked into the Jefferson County Jail shortly before 11 a.m. Monday. He is charged with attempting to elude law enforcement, reckless endangerment and resisting arrest. His bond is set at $15,000. In Blount County, authorities Monday afternoon charged him with five felonies: first-degree theft of property, two counts of unlawful breaking and entering of a vehicle, and two counts of theft of second-degree, theft of property. Authorities there said he broke into two vehicles early Monday, and stole a gun from each. The Alabama Law Enforcement Agency is expected to seek an attempted murder warrant against him for running into a state trooper vehicle. Peckinpaugh told authorities his friends left him, and he needed a ride. It all began about 1 a.m. when authorities say the bus was stolen from the home of a bus driver in Blount County. Blount County Sheriff's Office Operations Manager Tim Kent said the bus was taken during an early-morning spate of burglaries in the Oscar Bradford Road area. Authorities later received a call from a citizen who was following the stolen school bus near Finley Boulevard in Birmingham. That citizen was told to stop following the bus and law enforcement officers were notified. Jefferson County sheriff's Chief Deputy Randy Christian said they came in contact with the bus at 7:40 a.m. after they were notified by the Blount County Sheriff's Office that a school bus had been stolen from their jurisdiction by a white male suspect. No children were on board the bus at the time. At about 8:01 a.m. deputies came into contact with the stolen bus on I-59 southbound at exit 110 and attempted to stop the bus, Christian said. The driver refused to stop and a pursuit ensued. The driver led law enforcement through the McCalla and the Oxmoor Road areas before heading onto I-459 northbound. The driver hit a State Trooper vehicle and attempted to hit several other law enforcement vehicles involved in the pursuit. The school bus was ultimately stopped on Interstate 459 at Acton Road. Christian said the driver threw a handgun out of the school bus window. He was taken into custody without incident.  _________________________________  Tech Support Pits From: Michael Re: Spreadsheet IF formula on Outlook Dear Webby, Since you used "" instead of < and > for the inequality symbols in your answer to Lisa, the HTML in your email was invalid, and my Outlook didn't display anything between those two symbols, so the Excel formula and your explanation were garbled. (See your answer below that's exactly how it appeared on my computer.) When I looked at your email in a browser, it showed the missing text, but only because the browser is more forgiving of invalid HTML than Outlook is.  Dear Michael I had forgotten that Outluck does not seem to honor the PRE command. Sorry about that! OK, here is a version for Outluck: Dear Lisa Yes, sure! You can do just about anything with spreadsheets. Just copy this formula into the top cell in the first column, and then copy it down into every cell of that column. @IF(B1-2<@TODAY,B1,"") B1 will automatically increment, as you copy down. The cells of birthdays that are tomorrow or before will show the date, the ones safely in the future will be blank. If you want more than one day safety margin, use B1-3 or whatever number you want. Since the URGENT date will stay in B1, you might want to add a cleaner: @IF(B1+10>@TODAY,B1,"") That way, if the URGENT date in B1 is 10 days past, it will get cleaned. Have FUN! DearWebby    
 >From England A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mummy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mummy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead right here in the hallway!." 
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 Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com  By jeri johnson [1 Post, 31 Comments] Best Answer Try soaking the tub over night with a product called "Iron Out" this worked great on a terrible rusty yellow stain left on a tub by our last tenets. Nothing else even budged it.  ____________________________________________________  
  
 
Angels in Heaven Chris Rodrigues & the Spoon Lady 
 ____________________________________________________  Thanks to Dianne for this story: A gent from Chicago was on a fishing vacation up north in the Wisconsin woods. He was out fishing on a lake in a small boat and not having much luck. He noticed a man in another small boat that was close by, open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and enquired, "What is the mirror for?" "That's my secret way to catch fish," replied the other man. "I Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim up to the surface. Then I just reach down, net them and pull them into the boat." "Wow! Does that really work?" exclaimed the guy from Chicago "You bet it does." was the response. "Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $50 for it." offered the big city gent. "Well, okay." said the country guy. After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many did you catch this week?" The country local, grinned and said, "You're the sixth." ___________________________________________________  
 
 Your music is hiding things from you. 
 ___________________________________________________ 1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum. 2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? (A)'65 Ford Fairlane (B)'69 Chevrolet Chevelle (C)'64 Pontiac GTO. 3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product? 4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down? 5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed? 6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front? 7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler? 8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed acountry-western singer? Added bonus for taking the REDNECK CHALLENGE: Some Southern-style advice that will come in handy down the road apiece. Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them. 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 ____________________________________________________ Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, a young woman trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?" The man shrugged, "Yeah, well, that's the fringe benefit I get for owning the company." ____________________________________________________ 
 Today, Sept 2, in 31 B.C. The Roman leader Octavian defeated the alliance of Mark Antony and Cleopatra. Octavian, as Augustus Caesar, became the first Roman emperor. 1666 The Great Fire of London broke out. The fire burned for three days destroying 10,000 buildings including St. Paul's Cathedral. Only 6 people were killed. 1775 Hannah, the first American war vessel was commissioned by General George Washington. 1789 The U.S. Treasury Department was established. 1864 During the U.S. Civil War Union forces led by Gen. William T. Sherman occupied Atlanta following the retreat of the Confederates. 1901 Theodore Roosevelt, then Vice President, said "Speak softly and carry a big stick" in a speech at the Minnesota State Fair. 1930 The "Question Mark" made the first non-stop flight from Europe to the U.S. The plane was flown by Captain Dieudonne Coste and Maurice Bellonte. 1938 The first railroad car to be equipped with fluorescent lighting was put into operation on the New York Central railroad. 1945 Japan surrendered to the U.S. aboard the USS Missouri, ending World War II. The war ended six years and one day after it began. 1945 Ho Chi Minh declared the independence the Democratic Republic of Vietnam. 1961 The U.S.S.R. resumed nuclear weapons testing. Test ban treaty negotiations had failed with the U.S. and Britain when the three nations could not agree upon the nature and frequency of on-site inspections. 1963 The integration of Tuskegee High School was prevented by state troopers assigned by Alabama Gov. George Wallace. Wallace had the building surrounded by state troopers. 1985 It was announced that the Titanic had been found on September 1 by a U.S. and French expedition 560 miles off Newfoundland. The luxury liner had been missing for 73 years. 1991 The U.S. formally recognized the independence of Lithuania, Lativa and Estonia. 1992 The U.S. and Russia agreed to a joint venture to build a space station. 1996 Muslim rebels and the Philippine government signed a pact formally ending 26-years of insurgency that had killed more than 120,000 people. 1998 In Canada, pilots for Canada's largest airline launch their first strike in Air Canada's history. 2017 Do smiled.
 
 
 

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