Good Morning, Do, Today is Sunday, September 3 Have Fun! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Fugitive COVERED in tattoos on the run  Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, Sept 3 in 1935 Sir Malcolm Campbell became the first person to drive an automobile over 300 miles an hour. He reached 304.331 MPH on the Bonneville Salt Flats in Utah. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ 
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 ______________________________________________________ Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it. --- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!  ______________________________________________________ The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest may in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000." Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000." Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again and he screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge." He sat down and an even larger chunk of plaster fell, this time hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!" Little Johnny, smoking up in the organist's loft, was all out of plaster pieces, so he beaned him with a bible. _____________________________________________________   ______________________________________________________ Things My Mother Taught Me My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me." My Mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way." My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!" My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?" My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you. Don't talk back to me!" My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up. My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your father!" My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?" My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand." My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home." and my all time favorite thing - JUSTICE "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like." ______________________________________________________   Eclipse 2017 through brown #8 welding lenses _____________________________________________________ 
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 ______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Eric Judkins, 42, Manchester, New Hampshire  Fugitive COVERED in tattoos on the run  Authorities in New Hampshire are seeking the public's help in finding an escaped inmate with tattoos covering his shaved head, face, neck, chest, arm and hands. The U.S. Marshals' New Hampshire Joint Fugitive Task Force says 42-year-old Eric Judkins was an inmate at a halfway house in Manchester. He failed to return to the facility on Monday night. Judkins was serving part of a 27-month sentence for assault on a fellow inmate in federal prison. Authorities say the assault happened while Judkins was serving a 17-year sentence for a 1999 bank robbery. They should offer a job hanging WANTED posters. He weems to be dumb enough to apply.  _________________________________  Tech Support Pits From: CELH Re: Angelwinks Cards Dear Webby, please send me daily cards please CELH  Dear CELH E-mail address 'angelblu***@gmail.com' is already in the AngelWinks PODs pre-subscribe list! Please, confirm your subscription! The PRE subscribe only works for 72 hours. After that, you have to try again. Check in your SPAM. Make sure you are not blocking mail from Angelwinks! You may have to make a filter to s afeguard it. Once you are in the PREsubscribe list, waiting for your confirmation click, your address is blocked for 72 hours. You can be in the PREsubscribe list only once at a time. Have FUN! DearWebby    
 Thanks to Connie for this joke: Friendship between Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it, but two of them invited him to come on over and see for himself that she was all alone and very lonely. Friendship between Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he slept over and was still there. 
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 Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Longer Lasting Pantyhose Before wearing pantyhose for the first time, put them in the freezer overnight. First get the pantyhose wet, gently ring them out put them in the freezer overnight. Once frozen, pull them out slowly and hang to them to dry. Why does it work? I have no idea, but this tip has been around for ages and people swear by. You can also spray pantyhose lightly with a spray starch to help prevent runs. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com  ____________________________________________________  
  
 
Lady gets caught speeding 
 ____________________________________________________  Thanks to Dianne for the update she got from her IT department: MEMO: IT SYSTEM UPGRADE Dear All, As part of our on going cost-cutting exercise, we are proposing a major change to our Desktop policy and a further move towards a recycling and paperless office. The goal is to remove all laptop computers by March 2018 and all desktop computers by April 2018. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. Technical Justification: 1. No boot-up problems 2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done. 3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails. 4. No more worries about power cuts. 5. Budget savings on upgrades unparalleled 6. No danger of viruses and worms infecting our data. Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk: Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What's the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I create a New Document window? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? A: Don't shake it. Regards, IT Department. ___________________________________________________  
 
 I want one of these! 
 ___________________________________________________ Thanks to Ross for this confession: My wife left me...I don't understand. After our last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping the receipt included $75 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer, and you haven't given up anything!" She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you." I told her, "Well, that's what the beer was for. Somehow I don't think she'll be back soon. 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 ____________________________________________________ A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited many years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court." He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light ever again' five hundred times, in nice, legible cursive." ____________________________________________________ 
 Today, Sept 3, in 1189 England's King Richard I was crowned in Westminster. 1783 The Revolutionary War between the U.S. and Great Britain ended with the Treaty of Paris. 1833 The first successful penny newspaper in the U.S., "The New York Sun," was launched by Benjamin H. Day. 1838 Frederick Douglass boarded a train in Maryland on his way to freedom from being a slave. 1895 The first professional football game was played in Latrobe, PA. The Latrobe YMCA defeated the Jeannette Athletic Club 12-0. 1935 Sir Malcolm Campbell became the first person to drive an automobile over 300 miles an hour. He reached 304.331 MPH on the Bonneville Salt Flats in Utah. 1939 British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain, in a radio broadcast, announced that Britain and France had declared war on Germany. Germany had invaded Poland on September 1 and Britain wanted to get in on Germany's economic recovery. 1943 Italy was invaded by the Allied forces during WWII. 1954 "The Lone Ranger" was heard on radio for the final time after 2,956 episodes over a period of 21 years. 1966 The television series "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet" ended after 14 years. 1967 Nguyen Van Thieu was elected president of South Vietnam under a new constitution. 1967 In Sweden, motorists stopped driving on the left side of the road and began driving on the right side. 1976 The U.S. spacecraft Viking 2 landed on Mars. The unmanned spacecraft took the first close-up, color photos of the planet's surface. 1981 Egypt arrested more than 1,500 opponents of the government. 1986 Peat Marwick International and Klynveld Main Goerdeler of the Netherlands agreed to merge and form the world's largest accounting firm. 1989 The U.S. began shipping military aircraft and weapons, worth $65 million, to Columbia in its fight against drug lords. 1994 Russia and China announced that they would no longer be targeting nuclear missiles or using force against each other. 1999 Mario Lemieux's ownership group officially took over the National Hockey League's Pittsburgh Penguins. Lemieux became the first player in the modern era of sports to buy the team he had once played for. 2013 Hunters in Mississippi caught a 727-pound alligator. 2017 Do smiled.
 
 
 

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