Good Morning, Do! Today is Sunday, July 3 Thank you, Micki! ___________________________________________________ History on this day, July 3, in 1954,Food rationing ended in Great Britain almost nine years after the end of World War II. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Three men jailed for 48 years for Dalston, UK, machine gun murder __________________________________________________ Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. --- Susan Ertz The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it. --- Doug Larson A painting in a museum hears more ridiculous opinions than anything else in the world. --- Edmond de Goncourt (1822 - 1896) (That was long before televised parliament) __________________________________________________ A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you." "I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone." __________________________________________________ A handyman was working for a temple in Allentown, PA, had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work. First he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there he would have to answer one question. The priest asked, "Where was Jesus born"? The man answered, "Pittsburgh," and was thrown out. He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there he would have to answer a question. He was asked, "Where was Jesus born"? The man answered, "Philadelphia." He was tossed out. Walking away he met the rabbi who was looking for him. The rabbi exclaimed, "The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately." The man said to the rabbi, "I will come back only if you answer a question. "Where was Jesus born?" The rabbi says, "Bethlehem." "Damn," cries the man. "I knew it was somewhere in Pennsylvania." __________________________________________________ >Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain. "I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts." __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, please hit paypal with it! ___________________________________________________ >From Dr Leroy For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen! Three days a week works well. Begin by standing outside behind the house, and with a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can. After a few weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks and then 50-lb. potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it at this level. ____________________________________________________   Violent Light Photography Pica in Kananaskis near here ___________________________________________________ Creation of man During Creation, God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years." The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so. Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." The dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years." And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so. And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren. And it is so. ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________________ Creation of man During Creation, God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years." The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so. Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." The dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years." And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so. And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren. And it is so. _____________________________________________________ Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a grinning little old woman standing beside her. "Grandma will pay the bill," she smiled. __________________________________________ Pick the day of the month you were born on to see what kind of fart you are! 1-AMBITIOUS Always ready for a fart. 2-LAZY Just fizzles. 3-AMIABLE Likes to smell others farts. 4-SELFISH Only enjoys smelling his own farts. 5-CARELESS Farts in church. 6-SMART ALEC Farts when ladies are present. 7-CLEVER Farts and coughs at same time. 8-SCIENTIFIC Bottles his farts. 9-STINGY Belches instead of farting to save his asshole. 10-FOOLISH Farts and laughs. 11-SHY Blushes even when he farts silently. 12-CONCEITED Thinks he can fart loudest. 13-UNLUCKY Tries to fart and shits pants. 14- TIMID Jumps when he farts. 15-BEWILDERED can't tell his own farts from others. 16-SLOVENLY Farts and fizzles, rots his pants. 17-NERVOUS Stops in middle of fart. 18-MISERABLE Can't fart. 19-CONFUSED Face looks so much like ass, Farts don't know where to go. 20-GROUCH Grumbles when ladies fart. 21-SNEAKY Farts and blames it on the dog. 22-DISAPPOINTED Their farts don't stink. 23-FRESH GUY Jumps in front of you and farts. 24-BIG BULLY Farts louder than everyone else. 25-DELUDED Enjoys all farts thinking they are his. 26-CUTE Discovers from farts what others have eaten. 27-WISE Farts and say's "Who in hell let rip??" 28-DAMNED MEAN Farts in bed and pulls covers over wife's head. 29-MUSICAL Sounds like Wagner. 30-HONEST Farts and blames in on the hostess. 31-LIVELY GUY Jumps in air, farts three times, kicks like hell simultaneously. Tell me how accurate that is! ___________________________________________________ DeaWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Victoria Re: Printer paper  Dear Webby, I am finally going to get a printer. Laser, color! My daughter ordered it for my birthday. I guess she got tired of having to do all my printing. What kind of paper do I need to get? Thanks Victoria  Dear Victoria Regular "Copy Paper" works well in laser printers. Copiers are laser printers with a huge paper supply bin. Check if you have a "Staples" or similar offic suply store in your area, and if they deliver. Most of them do deliver. You can order the paper online. Have a look at their site at http://staples.com Paper is at Printer Paper A REAM is a 500 sheet pack and weighs about 1 Kg (2.2 pounds). A CARTON is a 5000 sheet box. When the description says "20 lbs", that is NOT the weight of the box, but refers to the thickness of the paper. "20 lbs paper" is just fine for any laser printer or copier. For inkjet too. If you decide to get a carton, currently on sale for $20 - $30, most definitely take advantage of the free delivery. A 5000 sheet carton probably weighs as much or more than you! There are 10 Reams in a carton. You just take one ream out at a time. Have FUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________ "Husband Shopping Centre" was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men, for her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men. First floor, the door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go. Second floor says "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking" Hmmm, say the girls. But, I wonder what's further up?" Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow! say the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!? And so again, they go up. Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on that door said "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day." _____________________________________________ A young man wanted to get his beautiful wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day she goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says, "how do you like your new phone?" She replies, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though." "What's that, baby?" asks the husband. "How did you know I was at Walmart?" ___________________________________________________  ____________________________________________________ Friends don't let friends take home ugly men. ----Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE. Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" --- Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia. No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. ---Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married! ---Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. ---Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas No wonder you always go home alone. ---Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA Beauty is only a light switch away. --- Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. ---Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Flagstaff, Arizona. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. --- Revolution Books, New York, New York Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy and hard to light. ---The Janitor What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. ---Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY ___________________________________________________ *Pastors' Good News/Bad News* Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river. Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current. Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card. Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30. Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it. Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position. Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do. Bad News: The choir mutinied. Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons. Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show", "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chainsaw Massacre." Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game. Bad News: They beat your men's softball team. Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking. Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage. Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. Bad News: You were on vacation. Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church. Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination. Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit. Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house. ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________________ 
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 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 
 Today, July 3, in 1608,The city of Quebec was founded by Samuel de Champlain. 1775,U.S. Gen. George Washington took command of the Continental Army at Cambridge, MA. 1790,In Paris, the marquis of Condorcet proposed granting civil rights to women. 1844,Ambassador Caleb Cushing successfully negotiated a commercial treaty with China that opened five Chinese ports to U.S. merchants and protected the rights of American citizens in China. 1863,The U.S. Civil War Battle of Gettysburg, PA, ended after three days. It was a major victory for the Republicans, as Confederate troops retreated. 1871,The Denver and Rio Grande Western Railroad Company introduced the first narrow-gauge locomotive. It was called the "Montezuma." 1878,John Wise flew the first dirigible in Lancaster, PA. 1880,"Science" began publication. Thomas Edison had provided the principal funding. 1898,During the Spanish American War, a fleet of Spanish ships in Cuba's Santiago Harbor attempted to run a blockade of U.S. naval forces. Nearly all of the Spanish ships were destroyed in the battle that followed. 1903,The first cable across the Pacific Ocean was spliced between Honolulu, Midway, Guam and Manila. 1924,Clarence Birdseye founded the General Seafood Corp. 1930,The U.S. Congress created the U.S. Veterans Administration. 1934,U.S. Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC) made its first payment to Lydia Losiger. 1937,Del Mar race track opened in Del Mar, CA. 1939,Chic Youngs comic strip character, "Blondie" was first heard on CBS radio. 1940,Bud Abbott and Lou Costello debuted on NBC radio. 1944,The U.S. First Army opened a general offensive to break out of the hedgerow area of Normandy, France. 1944,During World War II, Soviet forces recaptured Minsk. 1945,U.S. troops landed at Balikpapan and take Sepinggan airfield on Borneo in the Pacific. 1945,The first civilian passenger car built since February 1942 was driven off the assembly line at the Ford Motor Company plant in Detroit, MI. Production had been diverted due to World War II. 1950,U.S. carrier-based planes attacked airfields in the Pyongyang-Chinnampo area of North Korea in the first air- strike of the Korean War. 1954,Food rationing ended in Great Britain almost nine years after the end of World War II. 1974,The Threshold Test Ban Treaty was signed, prohibiting underground nuclear weapons tests with yields greater than 150 kilotons. 1981,The Associated Press ran its first story about two rare illnesses afflicting homosexual men. One of the diseases was later named AIDS. 1986,U.S. President Reagan presided over a ceremony in New York Harbor that saw the relighting of the renovated Statue of Liberty. 1986,Mikhail Baryshnikov became a U.S. citizen at Ellis Island, New York Harbor. 1991,U.S. President George H.W. Bush formally inaugurated the Mount Rushmore National Memorial in South Dakota. 2014,The Dow Jones Industrial Average closed above 17,000 for the first time. 2022 Do! smiled. 

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!