Good Morning, Do! Today is Tuesday, March 16 ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Father of just arrested Childnapper is a registered child sex offender ___________________________________________________ Today, March 16 in 1945 Iwo Jima was declared secure by the Allies. However, small pockets of Japanese resistance still existed. ____________________________________________________ O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. --- Saint Augustine (354 AD - 430 AD) ____________________________________________________ >From Hector One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to sleep. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store. I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each, to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you. She was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register." I could hardly contain myself! That's when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man." I figure that I should be having sex with her again sometime during Spring 2026. ____________________________________________________ "Power went out across Italy ... plunging the nation into darkness." (AP/9/28) A real catastrophe since Italy is the only country in the world whose citizens can't understand one another in the dark. ____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ Do came home from the first day of school last week and said to mommmy, "Mommy, the teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers and sisters who will also be coming to my school." "That's nice of her to take such an interest in your family, Dear. What did she say when you told her that you are the only child?" She just said, "Thank goodness!" __________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Glenn Hauser, 62, Boca Raton,, Floriduh, USA Father of arrested Childnapper is a registered child sex offender As reported last week, Kyle Hauser is accused of snatching a 1 year old from the playground in the 400 block of South Country Club Drive. The abduction lasted just minutes until bystanders ganged up and tuned up the pervert. Hausers father later told police that Kyle had been diagnosed with Schizophrenia. When I read that, I was wondering what the pervert and his father were doing at the playground. FLDE reports that Kyle Hausers father, Glenn Roberts Hauser, is a convicted sex offender. They live at the same address in the 400 block of NW 70th Street in Boca Raton. Glenn Hauser was convicted of sexual battery by adult of victim under 12, and two counts of lewd lascivious (act on a) child under 16. The convictions were filed on July 1st, 1992. Kyle Hauser remains in the Palm Beach County Jail following his arrest on March 10th. It was not immediately clear why either Hauser was spending time at a playground. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Evie Re: Sharpen compressed pictures Dear Webby How do I sharpen old JPG pictures, that have been screwed by reducing resolution in the days, when file size was a problem? Yes, now I know that was stooopid. Hit me with a colander full of wet noodles! Evie Dear Evie The Colander is the holy sanctifying device of the Pastafarians. Ok, seriously, you can't really ever recover thrown away pixels. They have gone to hell. There is some sneaky fakery you can try: Increase resolution to the max. Enlarge the picture to double or triple it's size. Yes, that makes it look even worse. Be patient! Increase contrast and adjust brightness to make it look reasonably realistic. Shrink the picture to what you need. Save it at MAX resolution. Threaten anybody in the house with major mayhem if they EVER save anything at less than maximum resolution. Have FUN! DearWebby >From Anastasia As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. "Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. "Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog. That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?" "I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog. "Heel!" the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl. The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord! He's Pentecostal!" ____________________________________________ >From Tina One day I took my 6-year-old son with me to visit a friend at work. Everyone there knew me, and I was offered a cup of coffee. That day, as one of the employees went to make more coffee, my son followed her and asked, "What are you doing?" "I'm making your mom's favorite drink," she answered. Imagine my shock when I heard my son say, "Wow! You know how to make beer?" ____________________________________________ Doug meets Bill at the bar after his day at divorce court. "Did the judge split everything fairly when he granted your wife a divorce?" asked Bill. Doug replies, "Sort of. She got to keep the house, the car, the boat, the furniture and the dog. I got to keep everything I was wearing." ____________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ Today, March 16 in 1190 The Crusaders began the massacre of Jews in York, England. 1521 Portuguese navigator Ferdinand Magellan reached the Philippines. He was killed the next month by natives. 1527 The Emperor Babur defeated the Rajputs at the Battle of Kanvaha in India. 1621 Samoset walked into the settlement of Plymouth Colony, later Plymouth, MA. Samoset was a native from the Monhegan tribe in Maine who spoke English. 1802 The U.S. Congress established the West Point Military Academy in New York. 1836 The Republic of Texas approved a constitution. 1850 The novel "The Scarlet Letter," by Nathaniel Hawthorne, was published for the first time. 1871 The State of Delaware enacted the first fertilizer law. 1882 The U.S. Senate approved a treaty allowing the United States to join the Red Cross. 1907 The world's largest cruiser, the British Invincible was completed at Glasgow. 1908 China released the Japanese steamship Tatsu Maru. 1909 Cuba suffered its first revolt only six weeks after the inauguration of Gomez. 1913 The 15,000-ton battleship Pennsylvania was launched at Newport News, VA. 1915 The Federal Trade Commission began operation. 1917 Russian Czar Nicholas II abdicated his throne. 1926 Physicist Robert H. Goddard launched the first liquid- fuel rocket. 1928 The U.S. planned to send 1,000 more Marines to Nicaragua. 1935 Adolf Hitler ordered a German rearmament and violated the Versailles Treaty. 1939 Germany occupied the rest of Czechoslovakia. 1945 Iwo Jima was declared secure by the Allies. However, small pockets of Japanese resistance still existed. 1946 Algerian nationalist leader Ferhat Abbas was freed after spending a year in jail. 1947 Martial law was withdrawn in Tel Aviv. 1950 Congress voted to remove federal taxes on oleomargarine. 1964 Paul Hornung and Alex Karras were reinstated to the NFL after an 11-month suspension for betting on football games. 1968 U.S. troops in Vietnam destroyed a village consisting mostly of women and children. The event is known as the My- Lai massacre. 1978 Italian politician Aldo Moro was kidnapped by left-wing urban guerrillas. Moro was later murdered by the group. 1982 Russia announced they would halt their deployment of new nuclear missiles in Western Europe. 1984 Mozambique and South Africa signed a pact banning the support for one another's internal enemies. 1984 William Buckley, the CIA station chief in Beirut, was kidnapped by gunmen. He died while in captivity. 1985 "A Chorus Line" played its 4,000th performance. 1985 Terry Anderson, an Associated Press newsman, was taken hostage in Beirut. He was released in December 4, 1991. 1987 "Bostonia" magazine printed an English translation of Albert Einsteins last high school report card. 1988 Indictments were issued for Lt. Colonel Oliver North, Vice Admiral John Poindexter of the National Security Council, and two others for their involvement in the Iran- Contra affair. 1988 Mickey Thompson and his wife Trudy were shot to death in their driveway. Thompson, known as the "Speed King," set nearly 500 auto speed endurance records including being the first person to travel more than 400 mph on land. 1989 In the U.S.S.R., the Central Committee approved Gorbachev's agrarian reform plan. 1989 The Soviet Communist Party's Central Committee approved large-scale agricultural reforms and elected the party's 100 members to the Congress of People's Deputies. 1993 In France, ostrich meat was officially declared fit for human consumption. 1994 Tonya Harding pled guilty in Portland, OR, to conspiracy to hinder prosecution for covering up the attack on her skating rival Nancy Kerrigan. She was fined $100,000. She was also banned from amateur figure skating. 1994 Russia agreed to phase out production of weapons-grade plutonium. 1995 NASA astronaut Norman Thagard became the first American to visit the Russian space station Mir. 1998 Rwanda began mass trials for 1994 genocide with 125,000 suspects for 500,000 murders. 1999 The 20 members of the European Union's European Commission announced their resignations amid allegations of corruption and financial mismanagement. 2021 Do smiled.
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