Good Morning, Do! Today is Saturday, May 1 ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Man arrested for killing his mother inside phoenix home; electric saws found in residence with blood on them ___________________________________________________ today, may 1 in 2011 u.S. Soldiers killed osama bin laden in pakistan ____________________________________________________ a good friend can tell you what is the matter with you in a minute. He may not seem such a good friend after telling. --- arthur brisbane do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong. --- dandemis ____________________________________________________ >From Tina New Girlfriend "How are you doing with your new girlfriend?" "I'm having second thoughts. I asked her if she could learn to love me." "Yeah-- and?" "And she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education." ____________________________________________________ Actual excerpts from college course evaluation forms: 1. "The textbook is almost useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room." 2. "He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high." 3. "Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!" 4. "The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him." 5. "The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree." 6. "Textbook is confusing; someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it." 7. "Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material." 8. "He is one of the best teachers I have had...He is well- organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure." 9. "I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've got a cool nest in the tree." 10. "Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose- spraying in all directions-no way to stop it." 11. "I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin CDs that I used while doing the problem sets." 12. "The course was very thorough. What wasn't covered in class was covered on the final exam." ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody." ____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Jesus Gamez Ruiz, 24, Phoenix, Arizona, USA Man arrested for killing his mother inside Phoenix home; Electric saws found in residence with blood on them A man accused of killing his mother inside a Phoenix home has been arrested. According to Phoenix Police, 24-year-old Jesus Gamez Ruiz arrived at a hospital on April 26 "with injuries that did not align with the information he provided to staff." Officers at the hospital located Jesus' vehicle and recognized the address associated with it as a home they had visited in the past. Police then responded to the home near 15th Avenue and Hatcher and found blood on the front door. Officers looked through a window and saw 44-year-old Nora Ruiz lying on the ground with blood around her. She was pronounced dead at the scene. "The female had multiple lacerations, and a circular saw and concrete saw were both located in the residence with blood on them," police said in a statement. Investigators say Jesus admitted to his involvement in the murder of his mother during an interview. He was booked into jail and is accused of first-degree murder. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From:Holly Re: Sharpening pictures Dear Webby I have some old pictures, that are embarrassingly fuzzy. How do I fix them? Holly Dear Holly If the picture had been "compressed" to reduce file size, which was popular in the days of floppy drives, then it gets rather difficult. Compression throws away pixels, that can never be gotten back. First enlarge the picture to twice the original size, or even bigger. Then increase contrast. That will fill in some of the holes. Adjust bright/dark to make it a bit darker. Not too much! Now decrease size. That too will fill in holes, where pixels had been deleted. Play with contrast and brightness and size. With some tedious messing about, the picture will wind up quite presentable. Have FUN! DearWebby BODY CHEMISTRY (New version) Element : Woman Symbol : WO Discoverer : Adam Quantitative Analysis: Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from 25-10-20 to 60-55-60 have been identified Occurance: Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas Physical Properties: Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing, and freezes at a moments notice. Totally unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic but attracted by coins & sports cars. In its natural shape the specimen varys considerably, but it is often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernable except to the experienced eye. Chemical Properties: Has a great affinity for AU, AG, & C, especially in the cystalline form. May give violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH & sexy aftershave. An essential catalyst is often required (must say that you love her at least 5 times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when in dark & all reaction conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points. The reaction is highly exothermic. Storage: Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 & 25 years. Uses: Highly ornamental. Uses as a tonic for low spirits. Used on lonely nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared). Tests: Pure specimens turn rosey tint if discovered in raw, natural state. Turns green if placed beside a better specimen. Caution: Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income & ego). Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, though a certain amount of exchange is permitted. If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work, Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it! Please, help me stay online! | _____________________________________________ If a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute ? ____________________________________________ The father was very proud when his son went off to college. He came to tour the school on Parents' Day and observed his son hard at work in the chemistry lab. "What are you working on?" he asked. "A universal solvent," explained the son, " a solvent that'll dissolve anything." The father whistled, clearly impressed, then wondered aloud, "What'll you keep it in?" ____________________________________________ FRACTURED WORDS Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other. Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test. Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master Divorce: Future tense of marriage Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either". Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power .. Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on. Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before. Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read. Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth. Etc...: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together. Experience: The name men give to their mistakes. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions. Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead. Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. Opportunist: A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river. Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet." Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY. Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich. Father: A banker provided by nature. Criminal: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught. Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after. Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills. Computer Engineer: One who gets paid for reading such stuff... ____________________________________________ Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. | ___________________________________________________ Today, May 1 in 0408 Theodosius II succeeded to the throne of Constantinople. 1308 King Albert was murdered by his nephew John, because he refused his share of the Habsburg lands. 1486 Christopher Columbus convinced Queen Isabella to fund an expedition to the West Indies. 1707 England, Wales and Scotland were united to form Great Britain. 1751 Americas first cricket tournament was held in New York City. 1805 The state of Virginia passed a law requiring all freed slaves to leave the state, or risk either imprisonment or deportation. 1863 In Virginia, the Battle of Chancellorsville began. General Robert E. Lee's forces began fighting with Union troops under General Joseph Hooker. Confederate General Stonewall Jackson was mortally wounded by his own soldiers in this battle. (May 1-4) 1867 Reconstruction in the South began with black voter registration. 1877 U.S. President Rutherford B. Hayes withdrew all Federal troops from the South, ending Reconstruction. 1883 William F. Cody (Buffalo Bill) had his first Wild West Show. 1884 The construction of the first American 10-story building began in Chicago, IL. 1889 Asa Candler published a full-page advertisement in The Atlanta Journal, proclaiming his wholesale and retail drug business as "sole proprietors of Coca-Cola ... Delicious. Refreshing. Exhilarating. Invigorating." Mr. Candler did not actually achieve sole ownership until 1891 at a cost of $2,300. 1898 The U.S. Navy under Dewey defeated the Spanish fleet at Manila Bay in the Philippines. 1905 In New York, radium was tested as a cure for cancer. 1912 In London's Kensington Gardens, a statue of Peter Pan was erected. 1915 A German submarine sank the U.S. ship Gulflight. 1927 Adolf Hitler held his first Nazi meeting in Berlin. 1931 The Empire State Building in New York was dedicated and opened. It was 102 stories tall and was the tallest building in the world at the time. 1934 The Philippine legislature accepted a U.S. proposal for independence. 1937 U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt signed an act of neutrality, keeping the United States out of World War II. 1941 "Citizen Kane," directed and starring Orson Welles, premiered in New York. 1944 The Messerschmitt Me 262, the first combat jet, made its first flight. 1945 Martin Bormann, private secretary to Adolf Hitler, escaped from the Fuehrerbunker as the Red Army advanced on Berlin. 1945 Admiral Karl Doenitz succeeded Hitler as leader of the Third Reich. This was one day after Hitler committed suicide. 1948 The People's Democratic Republic of Korea (North Korea) was proclaimed. 1952 Production of Mr. Potato Head began. 1958 James Van Allen reported that two radiation belts encircled Earth. 1960 Francis Gary Powers' U-2 spy plane was shot down over the Soviet Union. Powers was taken prisoner. 1961 Fidel Castro announced there would be no more elections in Cuba. 1967 Anastasio Somoza Debayle became president of Nicaragua. 1968 In the second day of battle, U.S. Marines, with the support of naval fire, continue their attack on a North Vietnamese Division at Dai Do. 1970 Students at Kent State University riot in downtown Kent, OH, in protest of the American invasion of Cambodia. 1971 The National Railroad Passenger Corp. (Amtrak) went into service. It was established by the U.S. Congress to run the nation's intercity railroads. 1981 The Japanese government announced that it would limit passenger car exports to the United States over the next three years. 1986 The Tass News Agency reported the Chernobyl nuclear power plant accident. 1986 Bill Elliott set a stock car speed record with his Ford Thunderbird in Talladega, AL. Elliott reached a speed of 212.229 mph. 1992 On the third day of the Los Angeles riots resulting from the Rodney King beating trial. King appeared in public to appeal for calm, he asked, "Can we all get along?" 1998 Arrow Air was fined $5 million for using spare parts that lacked federal approval in the U.S. 1999 On Mount Everest, a group of U.S. mountain climbers discovered the body of George Mallory. Mallory had died in June of 1924 while trying to become the first person to reach the summit of Everest. At the time of the discovery it was unclear whether or not Mallory had actually reached the summit. 2000 The "Barbie for President" doll was released in stores. 2001 Chandra Levy was last seen in Washington, DC. Her remains were found in Rock Creek Park on May 22, 2002. California Congressman Gary Condit was questioned in the case due to his relationship with Levy. 2011 U.S. soldiers killed Osama bin Laden in Pakistan 2021 Do smiled. |
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