Good Morning, Do, Today is Friday, May 19 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops! Have Fun! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: MA drunk driver had Bearded Dragon lizard in her bra href="http://webby.com/humor/#Bonehead_Award"> Boneheads ______________________________________________________ Today, May 18 in 1568 After being defeated by the Protestants, Mary the Queen of Scots, fled to England where she was imprisoned by Queen Elizabeth. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important. --- Eugene McCarthy Women should be obscene and not heard. --- Groucho Marx ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, Stay here and be very QUIET. Ill be across the field. An hour later, the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?", the father asked. " I told you to be quiet!" The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?', I guess I just panicked." _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ 2015 CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION Name: ___________________ Stage Name: __________________ Agent: ___________________ Attorney: ____________________ Therapist's Name: _________________ Sex: [ ] Male [ ] Female*[ ] Formerly Male [ ] Formerly Female [ ] Both [ ] *If female, indicate breast implant size: _______ Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? [ ] Yes [ ] No Please list brand of cell phone: ________. If you don't own a cell phone, please explain why you don't: ______________________________________________ (Use extra pages, if necessary) Please check hair color: Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead [ ] Other ___________ Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply) [ ] Eating [ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee [ ] Applying make-up [ ] Shaving (male or female) [X] Talking on the phone (already checked for your convenience) [ ] Lifting weights [ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs [ ] Tanning [ ] Snorting cocaine [ ] Watching TV [ ] Reading Variety [ ] Surfing the net via laptop [ ] Discharging firearms / reloading Please indicate how many times, while driving, you expect to: [ ] a) Shoot at other drivers ___ [ ] b) Be shot at ___ If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately: [ ] a) Call the police to report the crime. [ ] b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high- speed chase. [ ] c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for your 911 call not going through. [ ] d) Call your therapist. In the event of an earthquake, you should: [ ] a) Stop your car. [ ] b) Keep driving and hope for the best. [ ] c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones. [ ] d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9. In the instance of rain, you should: [ ] a) Never drive over 5 MPH. [ ] b) Drive twice as fast as usual. [ ] c) You're not sure what "rain" is. Please indicate your current number of therapy sessions per week: ________ Are you presently taking any of the following medications? [ ] a) Prozac [ ] b) Zovirax [ ] c) Lithium [ ] d) Zanax [ ] e) Valium [ ] f) Medical pot [ ] g) Zoloft [ ] h) All of the above [ ] i) None of the above* *If none, please explain when you expect to get out of jail: __________________. Length of daily commute: [ ] a) Less than 1 hour* [ ] b) 1 hour [ ] c) 2 hours [ ] d) 3 hours [ ] e) 4 hours or more *If less than 1 hour, please explain where you are incarcerated: ____________________. When stopped by police, you should: [ ] a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready. [ ] b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the freeway. [ ] c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit profit. When you see a woman driver with her arm extended out the window, it means: [ ] a) Her turn-signals are broken. [ ] b) She is giving an indication she intends to change lanes. [ ] c) She is drying her nails. Which part of your car will wear out first? [ ] a) The wiper blades [ ] b) The seat belts [ ] c) The horn Automatic door locks are good for: [ ] a) Security [ ] b) Convenience [ ] c) Messing with the heads of people trying to get in. The "bright" setting on your headlights is for: [ ] a) Dark, poorly lit roads [ ] b) Flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way [ ] c) Revenge Do you read English or Spanish? [ ] Yes [ ] No [ ] Don't know Do you recognize and understand any road signs other than McDonalds and Denny's? [ ] Yes [ ] No Has pot been legalized in California? [ ] Yes [ ] No [ ] Don't know [ ] Don't care Do you prefer cars with the turn signal factory pre-set for [ ] left [ ] right [ ] off Are your mirrors adjusted for [ ] checking make-up [ ] checking the kids in the back seat [ ] your bald rear tires [ ] missing If you see an old sneaker on the freeway, do you [ ] slam on the brakes and hope you can sue the turkeys who rear-end you [ ] swerve to nail it with your tire [ ] both If you are over the age of 75, you do not have to complete this test, you are entitled to drive even if you cannot see, hear, or move. If you can speak enough Spanglish to be able to pretend to be an illegal immigrant, then you don't need a drivers license. In that case, sign here: _____________ ______________________________________________________ Share _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ______________________________________________________ Reported by Moe: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Amy Rebello-McCarthy, 39, Newton, Massachusetts MA drunk driver had Bearded Dragon lizard in her bra A Massawhosits woman was found with an exotic lizard in her bra following a drunk driving arrest on Tuesday, police said. Amy Rebello-McCarthy, 39, of Newton, was charged with operating a motor vehicle under the influence of liquor, driving to endanger and a marked lane violation. Her car hit six mailboxes before it left the roadway and went onto a lawn flattening all four tires and ripping off both bumpers Tuesday afternoon on Staple Street in Taunton. "She came down here and went airborne," said Faith Adams, a witness who described the crash path into the mailboxes. When police arrived and approached Rebello-McCarthy, they said she began laughing. She was also slurring her words and at times drooling. Before she was transported to the police station, she told police that she had a bearded dragon in her bra. "You have to keep the lizard warm, they're cold blooded. That's why she carried it in her bra," Cindy Berglund, another witness to the crash, said. Berglund added that the driver was mumbling when she got out of the car. "She couldn't stand up. She couldn't talk," Berglund said. "She was out of it." A man who was with her who police said was also slurring his words was found with what appeared to be a semi-automatic weapon tucked in his waistband. He was subdued after a brief tussle. He was taken into protective custody. (Drunk tank) The gun turned out to be an airsoft gun, not a real firearm. The bearded dragon was not injured and is now in the possession of the Taunton animal control officer for feeding until Amy Rebello-McCarthy gets out of jail. They are harmless and eat insects, flowers and fruit. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Veronica Re: Sharpening pictures Dear Webby Why can't a picture that has been sharpened (increase contrast) too much, be restored after saving? I found that if I sharpen a picture and then save it, it often turns blotchy, and softening it does not reverse the previous sharpening. What is the story behind that? By the way, I use Paint Shop Pro. Veronica Dear Veronica Always keep the file format in PSP or PSD until all editing is finished, and then finally save a JPG copy. The PSP format stores a reversible history, JPG doesn't. When you increase contrast, you throw away mid tones. Softening creates mid tones by averaging. Those mid tones are not the same as the original ones. When you save a picture as a JPG and use compression, you throw away additional mid tones. You can't get those back either. That is why it is so important to save an original in .psp or .psd format. Quite often, instead of sharpening, all you need is clarifying. That reduces fuzziness or mist by throwing away only the lighter mid tones, but leaving the darker ones. Have FUN! DearWebby Employee Evaluation Be sure to read through to the bottom... 1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without 3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always 5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended 6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be 10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be 11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be 12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be 13 executed as soon as possible. Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines. | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Using a Binder Clip for Toothpaste By joanWZ [70 Posts, 21 Comments] When pushing toothpaste from the bottom to the top, sometimes we cannot help it that we'll push the tube in the middle. And one more thing, if the toothpaste is half empty already, we have to keep pushing to get out! So what I did was use those binder clip from my office. Fold the bottom of the toothpaste tube and clip it with the binder. Easy, yet helpful. | | Walking on edge of tower in Toronto |
____________________________________________________ A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied... "Yes, and nobody lent a car to any of them either!" ___________________________________________________ Todd's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Todd replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. "Hey, wait a minute!" Todd interrupted, pausing at the door, ready to sprint fro his life. "I haven't added them up yet." | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
Thanks to Martin for this story: A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction. Hello," said the little boy. Hi," replied the little girl. Where are you going?" asked the little boy. I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl. Me too," replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church." Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy. I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl. What about you?" I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy. They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet. "If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl. My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy. "I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across." "That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit." So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked, "You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Catholic." ____________________________________________________ | Today, on May 19 1535 French explorer Jacques Cartier set sail for North America. 1536 Anne Boleyn, the second wife of England's King Henry VIII, was beheaded after she was convicted of adultery. 1568 After being defeated by the Protestants, Mary the Queen of Scots, fled to England where she was imprisoned by Queen Elizabeth. 1588 The Spanish Armada set sail from Lisbon, bound for England. 1608 The Protestant states formed the Evangelical Union of Lutherans and Calvinists. 1643 Delegates from four New England colonies met in Boston to form a confederation. 1643 The French army defeated a Spanish army at Rocroi, France. 1796 The first U.S. game law was approved. The measure called for penalties for hunting or destroying game within Indian territory. 1847 The first English-style railroad coach was placed in service on the Fall River Line in Massachusetts. 1857 The electric fire alarm system was patented by William F. Channing and Moses G. Farmer. 1864 The Union and Confederate armies launched their last attacks against each other at Spotsylvania in Virginia. 1911 The first American criminal conviction that was based on fingerprint evidence occurred in New York City. 1921 The U.S. Congress passed the Emergency Quota Act, which established national quotas for immigrants. 1926 Benito Mussolini announced that democracy was deceased. Rome became a fascist state. 1926 In Damascus, Syria, French shells killed 600 people. 1928 The first frog-jumping jubilee held in Calaveras County, CA. 1935 T.E. Lawrence "Lawrence of Arabia" died from injuries in a motorcycle crash in England. 1935 The National Football League (NFL) adopted an annual college draft to begin in 1936. 1958 Canada and the U.S. formally established the North American Air Defense Command. 1962 Marilyn Monroe performed a sultry rendition of "Happy Birthday" for U.S. President John F. Kennedy. The event was a fund-raiser at New York's Madison Square Garden. 1964 The U.S. State Department reported that diplomats had found about 40 microphones planted in the U.S. Embassy in Moscow. 1967 The Soviet Union ratified a treaty with the United States and Britain that banned nuclear weapons from outer space. 1974 Erno Rubik invented the puzzle what would later become known as the Rubik's Cube. 1967 U.S. planes bombed Hanoi for the first time. 1988 In Jacksonville, FL, Carlos Lehder Rivas was convicted of smuggling more than three tons of cocaine into the United States. Rivas was the co-founder of Colombia's Medellin drug cartel. 1992 In Massapequa, NY, Mary Jo Buttafuoco was shot and seriously wounded by Amy Fisher. Fisher was her husband Joey's teen-age lover. 1992 The 27th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution went into effect. The amendment prohibits Congress from giving itself midterm pay raises. 1998 In Russia, strikes broke out over unpaid wages. 1998 Bandits stole three of Rome's most important paintings from the National Gallery of Modern Art. 1999 "Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace" was released in the U.S. It set a new record for opening day sales at 28.5 million. 2000 The bones of the most complete and best-preserved Tyrannosaurus rex skeleton went on display in Chicago. 2000 Disney released the movie "Dinosaur." 2003 It was announced that Worldcom Inc. would pay investor $500 million to settle civil fraud charges over its $11 billion accounting scandal. 2003 Hundreds of Albert Einstein's scientific papers, personal letters and humanist essays were made available on the Internet. Einstein had given the papers to the Hebrew Universtiy of Jerusalem in his will. 2005 "Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith" brought in 50.0 million in its opening day. 2013 The Yahoo board approved the $1.1 billion purchase of the blogging site Tumblr. 2017 Do smiled. |
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