Good Morning, Do, Today is Friday, January 26 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!  Happy Australia Day! Today, about the time you read this issue, I will be in Calgary for injections into my eyeballs. While I grope around in the dark, you get a vacation on Saturday, Sunday and probably Monday. Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Harrisburg, PA, man arrested for attacking nurses, guards at Hershey Medical Center   Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, January 26 in 1500 Vicente Y ez Pinzn discovered Brazil. See More of what happened on this day in history.
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 ______________________________________________________ This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two. --- George Burns (1896 - 1996) I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. --- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965) I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. --- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!  ______________________________________________________ In a high school gym class, all the girls are lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Every ten seconds, they walk toward each other exactly half the remaining distance between them. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?" Mathematician: "Never." Physicist: "In an infinite amount of time." Engineer: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes." ______________________________________________________ A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man said, "I can explain." "Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer. "... or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back." "But officer, I just wanted to say ..." "And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're going to jail!" A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," said the man in the cell. "I'm the groom!" _____________________________________________________   ______________________________________________________   Colombia National Award 2017 _____________________________________________________ 
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 _____________________________________________________ A journalist was stopped at a checkpoint in a suburb of Chechnya. The soldier said, "Get out of the car and open the trunk!" The journalist replied, "I'm sorry, but the handbrake on the car is broken. I can't take my foot off the brake or it'll roll back down the hill." So the soldier says, "Do you take me for a FOOL?!" He pulls the journalist from the car, slides into the drivers seat, and stamping his big boot onto the brake pedal yells "Now, go and open the trunk!" So the journalist reluctantly complies with the soldiers request and goes and opens the trunk of the car. "Now", shouts the soldier from inside the car, "Is there any contraband in there?" _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Ibrahim T. Beidari, 33, Harrisburg, Pennsylvania  Harrisburg, PA, man arrested for attacking nurses, guards at Hershey Medical Center  A Harrisburg man already accused of attempting to murder his unborn child is facing additional charges after allegedly attacking two nurses and a security guard at Penn State Hershey Medical Center, according to Derry Township police. Ibrahim T. Beidari, 33, of the 7300 block of Cobble Stone Drive, is chargd with aggravated assault, strangulation, possessing the instruments of crime, and terroristic threats stemming from an incident that occurred Tuesday at the Medical Center. Police say Beidari physically assaulted the staff members, using a razor blade in one case. According to the criminal complaint, one of the victims told police she was going to a supply room to get the suspect some items to clean up with. When the nurse opened the door, Beidari allegedly pushed his way into the room, grabbed the nurse, and wrapped his arm around her throat while holding a razor blade to the side of her neck. During the struggle, the nurse sustained three small lacerations to her right middle finger, police say. Another nurse arrived and attempted to calm Beidari down, police say. She then attempted to grab the razor blade from him. During the struggle, she received a cut to her left index finger, but was able to successfully remove the razor from Beidari's hand, the criminal complaint says. Beidari then allegedly grabbed a medical scalpel and held it to the nurse's throat. A security guard entered the room, told Beidari to drop the scalpel, and threatened to spray him with pepper spray, the criminal complaint says. Beidari refused to comply, allegedly saying I'm going to kill her, while continuing to hold the scalpel to the nurse's neck, according to the criminal complaint. The security guard then sprayed Beidari with pepper spray and attempted to disarm him, but Beidari stabbed the guard with the scalpel, giving him a puncture wound to his left forearm, the criminal complaint says. Additional security then arrived and successfully restrained Beidari. Beidari was transferred to the Dauphin County Judicial Booking Center for arraignment.  _________________________________  Tech Support Pits From: Carol Re: Slow Computer Dear Webby, I enjoy reading your site, I learn a lot from you. A question: My computer has been running slower than usual; I have run a virus scan, ccleaner, and defraged. My hourglass seems to run all the time, meaning it flashes on and off very quickly. I don't know what else to do to clean up my computer so it can run better. Also, I checked my startup and I have no idea how all of the programs got in there! What do we need to have in startup? Many thanks, Carol  Dear Carol The tools in Spybot-Search&Destroy let you weed out the start-ups. Switch Spybot to Advanced, and you'll see the tools. The second tool from the bottom is for controlling the start-up programs. Each program has a description and it won't let you kill those that you really need. There is also a program called Should I Remove it that does the same, and shows you how many others have removed certain programs. For best results, use both! Have FUN! DearWebby   
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.  The following ads actually appeared in newspapers ILLITERATE? Write today for free help. AUTO REPAIR SERVICE. Free pick up and delivery. Try us once, you will never go anywhere again. DOG FOR SALE: Eats anything and is fond of children. STOCK UP AND SAVE. Limit: one. SEMI ANNUAL AFTER XMAS SALE DINNER SPECIAL. Turkey $3.25; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00 FOR SALE: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. NOW IS YOUR CHANCE to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. GREAT DAMES for sale. TIRED OF CLEANING YOURSELF? Let me do it. 
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 My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son. Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back." With that, he responded, "Tell you the truth, it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's." ____________________________________________________  Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thrifty Reusable Napkins Instead of paper towels, we use washcloths for napkins. The cheap ones work great, and you can wash and reuse them. By CB  Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com  With some looking around, you can often find sampler packs of micro-fiber cloths. My favorites are the 8" x 8" in assorted colors. As long as you don't put them into the dryer after washing, they beat cotton or linen napkins 20 to 1. DearWebby  ____________________________________________________  While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "Ain't been any for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the shore. As he got closer to shore he shouted to the guy again "What did you do to get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em all."  
 
A look back at the turbulent year of 1968, 50 years ago. 
 In dire need of a beauty make-over, Nancy went to her salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous haired model. She showed the stylist the trendy new cut she wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on her thin, graying hair. Nancy was delighted by his cheerful attitude until she recognized the melody. It was the theme from "Mission Impossible." ___________________________________________________ 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
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 Today, January 26, in 1500 Vicente Y ez Pinzn discovered Brazil. 1736 Stanislaus I formally abdicated as King of Poland. 1784 In a letter to his daughter, Benjamin Franklin expressed unhappiness over the eagle as the symbol of America. He wanted the symbol to be the turkey. 1788 The first European settlers in Australia, led by Captain Arthur Phillip, landed in what became known as Sydney. The group had first settled at Botany Bay eight days before. This day is celebrated as Australia Day. 1827 Peru seceded from Colombia in protest against Simn Bolvar's alleged tyranny. 1841 Britain formally occupied Hong Kong, which the Chinese had ceded to the British. 1875 George F. Green patented the electric dental drill for sawing, filing, dressing and polishing teeth. 1905 The Cullinan diamond, at 3,106.75 carats, was found by Captain Wells at the Premier Mine, near Pretoria, South Africa. 1911 Inventor Glenn H. Curtiss flew the first successful seaplane. 1939 In the Spanish Civil War, Franco's forces, with Italian aid, took Barcelona. 1942 The first American expeditionary force to go to Europe during World War II went ashore in Northern Ireland. 1950 India officially proclaimed itself a republic as Rajendra Prasad took the oath of office as president. 1950 The American Associated Insurance Companies, of St. Louis, MO, issued the first baby sitter's insurance policy. 1961 U.S. President John F. Kennedy appointed Dr. Janet G. Travell as the first woman to be the "personal physician to the President". 1962 The U.S. launched Ranger 3 to land scientific instruments on the moon. The probe missed its target by about 22,000 miles. 1965 Hindi was made the official language of India. 1969 California was declared a disaster area after two days of flooding and mudslides. 1972 In Hermsdorf, Czechoslovakia, a JAT Yugoslav Airlines flight crashed after the detonation of a bomb in the forward cargo hold killing 27 people. The bomb was believed to have been placed on the plane by a Croatian extremist group. Vesna Vulovic, a stewardess, survived after falling 33,000 feet in the tail section. She broke both legs and became paralyzed from the waist down. 1979 The 'Gizmo' guitar synthesizer was first demonstrated. 1992 Russian president Boris Yeltsin announced that his country would stop targeting U.S. cities with nuclear weapons. 1993 Former Czechoslovak President Vaclav Havel was elected president of the new Czech Republic. 1994 In Sydney, Australia, a young man lunged at and fired two blank shots at Britain's Prince Charles. 1998 U.S. President Clinton denied having an affair with a former White House intern, saying "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky." 1999 Saddam Hussein vowed revenge against the U.S. in response to air-strikes that reportedly killed civilians. The strikes were U.S. planes defending themselves against anti-aircraft fire. 2009 The Icelandic government and banking system collapsed. Prime Minister Geir Haarde resigned. 2010 It was announced that James Cameron's movie "Avatar" had become the highest-grossing film worldwide. 2018 Do smiled. 
 
 

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