Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, Do! Today is Tuesday, November 12 Ice Age is Coming! (`v) Ophelia 
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. __________________________________________ 1 Two guys were walking down the street one day when they came across a small pair of gym shorts on the ground. They decided to put a sign up on the church bulletin board so the rightful owner could claim them. The first one starts to write out the sign, "FOUND: one pair of boys gym shorts..." "Hold on," says the second, "Those are girls gym shorts." "No they're not," says the first, "They're boys shorts!" The second grabs them from him and takes a closer look, "No, no ... Definitely girls gym shorts!" The two of them are inspecting the shorts in turns and arguing. "Boys shorts!", "No, girls shorts!", "Definitely boys shorts!" .... and so on. The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about. The first guy tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument. The priest takes the shorts, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says: "Definitely boys shorts!......... but not from my parish!" ____________________________________________________ 2 Were you a more elegant chap, I'd ask to sit down on your lap Cross-legg'd, like a swami For 'hide the salami', But it seems that you're ill with the clap! ___________________________________________________ 3 Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language. Mute #1 (SIGN) "What would you like to do?" Mute #2 (SIGN) "I don't know, what about you?" Mute #1 (SIGN) "Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun." Mute #2 (SIGN) "Good idea." So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder... Front Seat Mute (SIGN) "What?" Back Seat Mute (SIGN) "Have you got any protection?" Front Seat Mute (SIGN) "No. Don't you?" Back Seat Mute (SIGN) "No. We had better go to a drug store and get some." They precede to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In two minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window. Inside Mute (SIGN) "What?" Outside Mute (SIGN) "I've got a problem." Inside Mute (SIGN) "What?" Outside Mute (SIGN) "I can't make the druggist understand what I want." Inside Mute (SIGN) "I know What to do." Outside Mute (SIGN) "What?" Inside Mute (SIGN) "Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want." Outside Mute (SIGN) "Good idea." The man goes back into the drug store and two minutes later he's back at the car window. Inside Mute (SIGN) "Well?" Outside Mute (SIGN) "It didn't work." Inside Mute (SIGN) "What do you mean?" Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. It was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars." ____________________________________________________ 4 It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your boobs," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?" At first she declined but finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down. "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband with an evil grin, "tell *HIM*, you have a headache!" ____________________________________________________ 5 Three geezers are sitting on a porch in Miami Beach. Suddenly the first sighs and says, "Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to eat ground or soft foods." The second answers, "Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines, champagne but what? Ulcers, I have to drink milk." The third sighs loudly and adds, "Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged my wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at me, "What is wrong with you Sam? We just got finished doing it for the second time tonight!" After a long pause the first man says, "So what is your problem?" The third one grunts and says, "Can't you see? My memory is going." ___________________________________________________ 6 The old smelly drunk ambled in to the bar and asked for his usual pint of Guinness and after the barkeep got it for the drunk, he thought, "Lets have some fun." He asked the drunk if he would like to taste the new drink he was trying to perfect. Of course the drunk was not one to refuse a free drink, and he replied "Sure." The bartender then proceeded to shake up a batch and poured the drunk a glass. The drunk took a swig and downed it, smacked his lips and said "Thanks" T barkeep said, "what did you think? Do you have a name for that drink?" The drunk replied "I drank it so fast cause I was dry, could you give me another?" The barkeep poured another and said to drink it slow and then give it a name. The drunk took a sip swirled it around and swallowed it, then another, finally draining the glass, licked his lips and replied "I think you ought to call it "Love by the Sea" The barkeep was amazed by the insight put forth by the drunk so he asked him "Where did you come up with such a thoughtful name?" To which the drunk replied, "Cause it's fucking near water!" ___________________________________________________ 7 A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful o him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every manon the ship," his wife reported. The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife. "She was a real lady," his mistress said. "How so?" the encouraged man asked. She came on board with her husband and never left his side." ___________________________________________________ 8 Statement: "I'm a Romantic." True Meaning: "I'm poor." Statement: "I need you." True Meaning: "My hand is tired." Statement: "I am different from all the other guys." True Meaning: "I am not circumcised." Statement: "I want a commitment." True Meaning: "I'm sick of masturbation." Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about." True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me." Statement: "I really want to get to know you better." True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it." Statement: "It's just orange juice, try it." True Meaning: "Three more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head." Statement: "She's kinda cute." True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary." Statement: "I don't know if I like her." True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me." Statement: "I miss you so much." True Meaning: "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good." Statement "Was it good for you?" True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood." Statement: "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" True Meaning: "Is my penis really that small?" Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night." True Meaning: "Who the hell are you?" Statement: "Do you love me?" True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out." Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?" True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later." Statement: "How much do you love me?" True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now." Statement: "I have something to tell you." True Meaning: "Get tested." Statement: "I'll give you a call." True Meaning: "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again." Statement: "I've been thinking a lot." True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk." Statement: "I think we should just be friends." True Meaning: "You're ugly." Statement: "I've learned a lot from you." True Meaning: "Next!!!!" Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?" True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine." ==================================================== 
 
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