Good Morning, Do, Today is Saturday, April 28 Will rogers's famous quote:"there's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.", is obsolete. The left wing alone is mopre than enough. The official witch hunt is winding down and as stale as obama's fake birth certificate, so now broom hilda's hog claims that putin is funding the nra. He might be a good hypnotist and some day follow in al gore's and obama's footsteps, but right now one wonders what the hell is that kid smoking! Whatever it is, it should be illegal, if it isn't already. Putin is not, I repat, not, interested in an armed america. It's not that he plans to attack and take alaska back, he is concerned about his peons wanting to be as armed as the americans. While putin might have joked over a beer or two about messing with elections and encouraging assange to release broom hilda's dirty laundry, same as most likely some of trump's downliners did, none of them actually did anything about it. The way broom hilda was messing up, they did not have to do anything. Sure, putin needs trump to make america great again, not broom hilda causing a depression. Putin wants a cold war with a worthy and credible oponent in order to scare his tax payers, not a whiny socialist that the rest of the world snickers about. Luckily she put her feet into her mouth often enough, and the people were fed up with the lame stream media and voted against the media. The same happened in the gore/bush race. The lame stream media predicted that the socialist hypnotist would win by a big margin. Well, the people were fed up with that and voted against the media. So bubba, the cowboy with the classy wife, got into the white house. This time we have archie bunker jr with the classy wife. It is good to see her in there and at functions! Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Florida woman accused of reckless driving, DUI in interstate construction zone Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, April 28 in 1686 The first volume of Isaac Newton's "Principia Mathamatic" was published. Old math is based on that. New math is based on raving lunacy. See More of what happened on this day in history.
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 ______________________________________________________ Much of the social history of the Western world over the past three decades has involved replacing what worked with what sounded good. --- Thomas Sowell (1930 - ) _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!  ______________________________________________________ The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had it to do over again. "Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones." _____________________________________________________   ______________________________________________________   Great Tit _____________________________________________________ 
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 _____________________________________________________ Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one. Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it. "Well," she explained, "up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend. "In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?" _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Savannah Lee Storie, 24, Jacksonville, Florida  Florida woman accused of reckless driving, DUI in interstate construction zone  A Jacksonville woman faces multiple charges, including a DUI, after police say she tried to speed through an active construction zone site early Tuesday. At approximately 12:15 a.m., an officer was conducting a rolling road block at a construction zone at I-95 northbound at University Boulevard when a white four-door car passed all traffic, according to the Jacksonville Sheriff's Office. The car, which was being driven in the inside emergency lane, had passed three police cars with their emergency equipment activated, the report said. The officer reported the vehicle traveling at 60 mph as it passed patrol vehicles, and then accelerating to 100 mph in the 45 mph construction zone as it pulled away from the road block. According to the officer, the driver was speeding toward construction workers. The officer began to pursue the car. The report said the car accelerated to 110 mph as the officer pursued the driver. The car stopped because construction equipment was blocking the road. The officer approached the car and opened a door to find the woman, identified as 24-year-old Savannah Lee Storie, sitting in the driver's seat, the report said. The officer told Storie to turn off the engine, but he noted that she stared blankly at him. Storie was told to get out but she reportedly did not comply. The officer tried to pull Storie out of the car twice by her wrist but she pulled away, according to the report. The woman broke free of the officer's grip, put the car in drive and started driving toward construction workers, the officer reported. The officer reached into her car to put it into park. She hit the gas while the officer grabbed the ignition key and turned off the car. The car rolled to a stop on the right shoulder. The officer removed her from the car, and told her to get on the ground, but she did not comply. He had to put the woman in a total appendage restraint in order to arrest her. The officer said he could smell a strong alcoholic odor coming from her breath. While in custody, the woman reportedly banged her head several times in order to hurt herself, and was taken to UF Health. Storie was booked without being present. Storie faces charges of resisting an officer with violence, reckless driving, unlawful speeding, driving under the influence and driving a vehicle without wearing a safety belt.  
 Tech Support Pits From: Ruby Re: Spam Epidemic  Dear Webby, Have you noticed that there is a real spam epidemic going on? 90% of my mail is spam, and it's driving me nuts! How does a company like yours deal with it? And why isn't anybody doing something about it? Ruby  Dear Ruby No, I haven't noticed that. You see, I live a very simple and sheltered life. One of my shelters is MailWasher. I just see the 120 - 200 mails that I need to see and answer. I don't really give a hoot about how or which way Mailwasher dumps the other 4800 - 5000 mails every day, but I know that they are reported to the FireTrust spam database. The reason nobody in the US is doing anything against spam is because the spammers bought your Senate and financed the CAN SPAM act, and so they are nicely protected. Just look at the courts in Illinois trying to fine Spamhaus, a European blacklisting service $12 Million. US law protects the spammers and you get fined if you try to fight them. Luckily, Spamhaus is in England, and told the Illinois courts where to stuff their pro-spammer ruling. They don't have laws to protect the spammers in England. The same goes for New Zealand, where MailWasher and FireTrust are hiding out, safely out of reach of the CAN-SPAM spammer protection act. Unless you can rent more senators than the spammers have, all I can recommend is that you get MailWasher, and let it nuke the spam right on the server and not let it bother you. Have FUN DearWebby    A young executive was leaving the office one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is important and my assistant has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly", said the young man, flattered that the CEO had asked him for help. He turned the the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button. "Excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I need two copies of that." 
 Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. 
 A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands, have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison, watching the planes go by. Then the pilots turn around and fly back, and all the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and turn directly toward the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over onto their backs. 
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 Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl." The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit." So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?" Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance." So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" asks the friend. The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather sh** in her pants." ____________________________________________________  Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Frugal Wedding Reception Saving money on your wedding reception by having it outdoors. Have it at a park, a campground or at someone's house who has a big yard. Other locations to consider if you must have the reception indoors: your local community center; Elks, Lions or VFW Club, especially if someone in your family is a member; some Senior Citizen Centers have great halls they can rent for receptions.  Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com  ____________________________________________________  There was a Scot, American, and a Iraqui in a plane on fire and about to crash. There were no parachutes and the only exit was to jump from 49,000 feet high. As the Scottish jumped he yelled, "God save me!" and landed safely in a haystack. When the American jumped he also yelled, "God save me!" and landed safely in another haystack. The Iraqui wasn't good at his English and when he jumped he yelled, "God shave me!", and went splat on the roof of a barber shop.  
The Shirk Report 
 ___________________________________________________ Judy goes to get her hair cut. The hairstylist cuts for about thirty minutes, hands Judy a mirror, and asks, "How do you like it?" Judy says, "It's nice, but could you make it just a little longer in the back?" ___________________________________________________ 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
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 Today, April 28 in 0357 Constantius II visited Rome for the first time. 1282 Villagers in Palermo led a revolt against French rule in Sicily. 1635 Virginia Governor John Harvey was accused of treason and removed from office. 1686 The first volume of Isaac Newton's "Principia Mathamatic" was published. Old math is based on that. New math is based on raving lunacy. 1788 Maryland became the seventh state to ratify the U.S. constitution. 1789 A mutiny on the British ship Bounty took place when a rebel crew took the ship and set sail to Pitcairn Island. The mutineers left Captain W. Bligh and 18 sailors adrift. 1818 U.S. President James Monroe proclaimed naval disarmament on the Great Lakes and Lake Champlain. 1896 The Addressograph was patented by J.S. Duncan. 1902 A revolution broke out in the Dominican Republic. 1910 First night air flight was performed by Claude Grahame-White in England. 1914 W.H. Carrier patented the design of his air conditioner. 1916 The British declared martial law throughout Ireland. 1919 The League of Nations was founded. 1920 Azerbaijan joined the USSR. 1923 The British Empire Exhibition Stadium (or Empire Stadium) opened to the public. 1930 The first organized night baseball game was played in Independence, Kansas. 1932 The yellow fever vaccine for humans was announced. 1937 The first animated-cartoon electric sign was displayed on a building on Broadway in New York City. It was created by Douglas Leight. 1945 Benito Mussolini and his mistress Clara Petacci were executed by Italian partisans as they attempted to flee the country. 1946 The Allies indicted Tojo with 55 counts of war crimes. 1947 Norwegian anthropologist Thor Heyerdahl and five others set out in a balsa wood craft known as Kon Tiki to prove that Peruvian Indians could have settled in Polynesia. The trip began in Peru and took 101 days to complete the crossing of the Pacific Ocean. 1952 The U.S. occupation of Japan officially ended when a treaty with the U.S. and 47 other countries went into effect. 1953 French troops evacuated northern Laos. 1962 In the Sahara Desert of Algeria, a team led by Red Adair used explosives to put out the well fire known as the Devil's Cigarette Lighter. The fire was caused by a pipe rupture on November 6, 1961. 1965 The U.S. Army and Marines invaded the Dominican Republic to evacuate Americans. 1967 Muhammad Ali refused induction into the U.S. Army and was stripped of boxing title. He cited religious grounds for his refusal. 1969 Charles de Gaulle resigned as president of France. 1977 Christopher Boyce was convicted of selling U.S. secrets. 1985 The largest sand castle in the world was completed near St. Petersburg, FL. It was four stories tall. 1988 In Maui, HI, one flight attendant was killed when the fuselage of a Boeing 737 ripped open in mid-flight. 1989 Mobil announced that they were divesting from South Africa because congressional restrictions were too costly. 1994 Former CIA official Aldrich Ames, who had given U.S. secrets to the Soviet Union and then Russia, pled guilty to espionage and tax evasion. He was sentenced to life in prison without parole. 1996 U.S. President Clinton gave a 4 1/2 hour videotaped testimony as a defense witness in the criminal trial of his former Whitewater business partners. 1997 A worldwide treaty to ban chemical weapons took effect. Russia and other countries such as Iraq and North Korea did not sign. 1999 The U.S. House of Representatives rejected (on a tie vote of 213-213) a measure expressing support for NATO's five-week-old air campaign in Yugoslavia. The House also voted to limit the president's authority to use ground forces in Yugoslavia. 2001 A Russian rocket launched from Central Asia with the first space tourist aboard. The crew consisted of California businessman Dennis Tito and two cosmonauts. The destination was the international space station. 2008 India set a world record when it sent 10 satellites into orbit from a single launch. 2018 Do smiled. 
 
 

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