Good Morning, Do! Peter Paul Today is Thursday, May 4 ___________________________________________________ History: Today, May 4 1987, Live models were used for the first time in Playtex bra ads. ___________________________________ Bonehead Award: Female Indiana teacher has been charged with stalking a student, sending him nearly 600 lewd messages. _____________________________________________________ Q "A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often." --- Oliver Herford I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell- you see, I have friends in both places. --- Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) _____________________________________________________ Bubba and Joe were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another experienced hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey, guys, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it's sure easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground." After the third hunter left, the boys decided to give it a try. A little while later Bubba said to Joe Bob, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" Joe Bob said, "Yep... but we're getting farther and farther away from the truck!" ______________________________________________________ Jill is sitting in the doctor's office when the doctor came in and said, "Jill, this isn't a urine sample you brought in. It's apple juice." "Oh my god" Jill said, "I've got to get to a phone." "Why?" asked the doctor. "I must have packed the other bottle in Joe's lunch box." ______________________________________________________  Petropavlovsk fortress on the Neva river in Saint Peterburg DT Gomez _____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! __________________________________________________ THE RULES OF CHOCOLATE Q: Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A: Because no one wants to quit. Q: Is there life without chocolate? A: We don't know. No one dared to attempt it yet. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other? Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy? If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you? If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you? ___________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________________ >From Gary The other day I was playing golf and saw an unusual thing. A golfer became so mad that he threw his brand new set of golf clubs into the lake. A few minutes later he came back, waded into the lake, and retrieved his club bag. He proceeded to take his car keys out of the bag -- then threw the clubs back into the water. ____________________________________________________ Moisha Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of Germany. He hid all his assets and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of solid gold false teeth made. When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth. So Moisha explained. "We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth." The customs official shook his head and said, "Well, that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?" Moisha then said "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food. The customs official slapped his head and then said, "You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?" "Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich." ___________________________________________________ An embarrassed young woman was farting uncontrollably when her date was due to arrive. She was an accomplished pianist so to drown the noise she offered the play the Storm Scene from the William Tell Overture. She had concluded the piece when she felt another fart attack on its way and quickly asked him if he would like another tune on the piano. "Well if it is that storm scene again," he said, "can you leave out the bit where the lightning strikes the outhouse? ___________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Liz RE: Facebook block Dear Webby, Facebook keeps blocking me about once a month. What can I do about that? Liz Dear Liz There is absolutely nothing you can do. FaceCrack is NOT on your side. Most likely you support and may even have an American flag in the background. Or a thin blue line. BLM and Antifa don't like that, so they will accuse you of being a racist. Facebook listens to them only. Since you don't threaten to burn them down, they don't give a hoot about you. Facebook protects real scammers like the Nigerian and Asian "419" scammers. If you try to report those scammers, FaceBook claims that they don't contravene against their "Community Standards". Luckily, those scammers are just as dense as FaceBook and you can detect and dump them easily with MailWasher. If you don't have MailWasher yet, just look for an Asian or African acting "excited" about a government grant. If you see that, it is the start of a "419" scam. Just dump it and block the address. If you don't report their friends, they will stop blocking you. Just keep in mind that they are on the side of criminals like New York prosecutors. Have FUN! DearWebby ___________________________________________________ >From Sue Looking for something different for my sister's birthday, I decided on a pair of pajamas made up of bright scenic prints of the natural wonders of the world. I wrapped them up and sent them off. I just received this e-mail from her. "Dear Sis," she wrote. "I don't mind having '12,948 feet high' indicated on my bosom, but I thoroughly resent "greatest natural span" across my bottom!" __________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _________________________________________________  Gypsum ____________________________________________________ A man was going to the dentist to get some teeth pulled. The dentist was about to give the man some local anesthesia to numb the pain. "Don't give me any drugs doc, I can take the pain." the man said. The doctor pulled the first tooth out and the man just grunted. Then the doctor attempted to pull the second tooth, only this one snapped in half. But again the man just grunted. "Wow, that sure is a lot of pain just to grunt at, have you ever felt pain like that before?" asked the amazed dentist. "Well, twice actually." said the man, "The first time was when I was out in the woods and had to take a crap really bad. I pulled down my pants and jumped over this log. Just then a bear trap closed on my balls and I started running...." "Damn that must have hurt." the dentist interrupted. "What was the second time?" "Oh, that would have been when the bear trap came to the end of it's chain." __________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD reported by Rock, has been earned by  Paige Simon, 28, Osgood, Indiana, USA Female Indiana teacher stalked teen student, sent nearly 600 text messages Female Indiana teacher has been charged with stalking a student, sending him nearly 600 lewd messages. The Decatur County Sheriffs Department said 28-year- old Paige Simon of Osgood has been charged with stalking, official misconduct and battery. In a probable cause statement obtained by FOX Television Stations, authorities said they were alerted to the alleged crime by the victim's father. The victim is now 18 years old but was 15 at the time of the alleged incident. The father said his son had been receiving inappropriate text messages from a teacher at South Decatur High School. The student later told the school staff and authorities that Simon had at one point reached for his cell phone and her hand lingered in the groin area. The student also said Simon discussed her past sexual activities with other partners. Authorities said some of the text messages sent from Simon to the student included photographs and sexual language. They also said the student eventually stopped responding to Simon's texts and had blocked her number. However, Simon kept messaging him, according to court documents. At one point, a teacher told authorities that Simon was found upset and crying that the student started ignoring her. According to FOX 59, Simon eventually resigned from her position. _____________________________________________________ Today, May 4 in 1471, In England, the Yorkists defeated the Landcastrians at the battle of Tewkesbury in the War of the Roses. 1493, Alexander VI divided non-Christian world between Spain and Portugal. 1626, Dutch explorer Peter Minuit landed on Manhattan Island. Native Americans later sold the island (20,000 acres) for $24 in cloth and buttons. 1715, A French manufacturer debuted the first folding umbrella. 1776, Rhode Island declared its freedom from England two months before the Declaration of Independence was adopted. 1814, Napoleon Bonaparte disembarked at Portoferraio on the island of Elba in the Mediterranean. 1863, The Battle of Chancellorsville ended when the Union Army retreated. 1886, A bomb exploded on the fourth day of a workers' strike in Chicago, IL. Eight people died in the violence during violence that day. 1886, Chichester Bell and Charles S. Tainter patented the gramophone. It was the first practical phonograph. 1904, The U.S. formally took control of the property for construction of the Panama Canal. 1916, Germany agreed to limit its submarine warfare after a demand from U.S. President Wilson. 1942, The Battle of the Coral Sea commenced as American and Japanese carriers launched their attacks at each other. 1942, The United States began food rationing. 1961, Thirteen civil rights activists, dubbed "Freedom Riders," began a bus trip through the South. 1970, The Ohio National Guardsmen opened fire on students during an anti-Vietnam war protest at Kent State University. Four students were killed and nine others were wounded. 1979, Margaret Thatcher became Britain's first woman prime minister. 1981, The Federal Reserve Board raised its discount rate to 14%. 1987, Live models were used for the first time in Playtex bra ads. 1987, The First Bank of the United States was listed as a National Historic Landmark. 1994, Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin and PLO leader Yasser Arafat signed a historic accord on Palestinian autonomy that granted self-rule in the Gaza Strip and Jericho. 2000, The citizens of London elected their mayor for the first time. 2003, Idaho Gem was born. He was the first member of the horse family to be cloned. 2010, Pablo Picasso's "Nude, Green Leaves and Bust" sold for $106.5 million. 2012, In Las Vegas, NV, Google received the first self-driving vehicle testing license. 2023, Do smiled.
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