Good Morning, Do! Today is Tuesday, October 26 ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Today's Bonehead Award: Tattooed perp faces new felony charge ___________________________________________________ Today, October 26 in 1951 Winston Churchill became the prime minister of Great Britain. ____________________________________________________ Thanks to Roland for this old favorite: Subject: The Blonde Cook Book Blonde Cook Book MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. TUESDAY: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper. WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any. THURSDAY: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden. FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left. SATURDAY: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten. SUNDAY: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment. GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose. ____________________________________________________ As part of the admission procedure in the hospital where Jill work, she asks the patients if they are allergic to anything. If they are, she prints it on an allergy band placed on the patient's wrists. Once when she asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies, she said she couldn't eat bananas. Imagine Jill's surprise, when several hours later a very irate son came out to the nurses' station screaming: "Who's responsible for labeling my mother 'bananas'?" ____________________________________________________  ____________________________________________________ Defense attorney: With the court's permission, there is going to be a change of plea to count 3. The recommended sentence from the People is two plus two for a total of three years state prison. Judge: Two plus two adds up to four. Defense Attorney: Two plus two adds up to four. That is why I am anattorney. Couldn't pass math. Judge: Use your fingers next time ____________________________________________________ Reported by Rock  An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Michael Campbell, 46, Springfield, Missouri, USA Tattooed perp faces new felony charge In news that will likely come as a surprise to exactly nobody, the guy pictured above is back behind bars on a felony charge. Michael Campbell, who has previously been described in these pages as the worlds scariest perp, is being held on $100,000 bond in a Missouri county jail following his recent arrest on a felony attempted rape count. The 46-year-old Campbell, who is locked up at the Greene County jail in Springfield, is scheduled for an October 25 appearance in Circuit Court. Campbell, a registered sex offender whose rap sheet includes convictions for assault, burglary, grand theft, sexual assault, and escape from custody, is charged with trying to rape a woman while she was in bed with her boyfriend, who was asleep. The woman, cops reported, described her assailant as an unknown white male with face tattoos. Investigators say Campbell subsequently fled the residence-- which is described as a facility in a police report--on a blue bicycle. A tenant told cops that he saw the womans boyfriend chasing a male with lots of tattoos all over his face and neck out the South door of the facility. When police subsequently contacted Campbell, he was riding a gold bicycle that appeared to have been freshly painted, with blue and purple paint under the gold paint. Campbell denied trying to rape the woman, whom he claimed made sexual advances towards him inside a bathroom. Campbell said that he told her no since he had a curfew and needed to leave. In a felony complaint filed in August, Campbell is described as a persistent sexual offender who, if convicted of the rape charge, could face a sentence of life imprisonment. In 1995, Campbell was found guilty in Colorado of attempted sexual assault. Campbell was convicted last year in Greene County for assault, property damage, and violating an order of protection (for which he served six months in custody). Campbells array of tattoos include a pentagram on his forehead and a bow tie on his neck. ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________ From: Ellen Re: Take sharper pictures Dear Webby, Distance does not seem to be a problem for some photographers, but sure is for me! What is their secret? Ellen Dear Ellen First set the resolution to fine or max. The days when we had to worry about file size are thankfully long gone. Camera memory chips (SD) are huge and cheap. So, crank up the resolution as far as you can, unless you take fast action sport pictures. Then get your self a tripod or rice bag. Tripods are a lot cheaper nowadays than they used to be. What's a rice bag? Find somebody, who drinks Crown Royal Canadian whisky. It comes with a stylish royal blue and gold velvet baggie. You can of course fake that with the end of a cut off sleeve and sew or glue a zipper or velcro closure and a glued closure at the other end. Then fill it with rice or sand. When you put that rice bag onto a car roof or anything handy, and nestle the camera on that bag, it will be as steady as if it was on a fancy $500 tripod. Why? Take a fishing rod or a long broom stick, and try turning a light on or off. Kinda tricky, right. Now imagine your broom stick is a mile long. You won't even touch the light switch. The same happens when you take a long distance picture. The slightest jitter will cause a fuzzy picture. In the old days you could adjust the length of time the camera shutter was open. With today's cameras that is usually automatic, however, the more light you have, the faster the shutter speed. Have FUN! DearWebby
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_____________________________________________ One of the Mathare buildings: MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE. In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES. ______________________________________________ A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." And why not, darling?" "You know that you always have a headache next morning after wearing that suit!" ______________________________________________  Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the young guy replied. The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "Alright. Get in." ___________________________________________________ Today, October 26, in 1825 The Erie Canal opened in upstate New York. The 363-mile canal connected Lake Erie and the Hudson River at a cost of $7,602,000. 1858 H.E. Smith patented the rotary-motion washing machine. 1881 The "Gunfight at the OK Corral" took place in Tombstone, AZ. The fight was between Wyatt Earp, his two brothers and Doc Holiday and the Ike Clanton Gang. 1905 Norway gained independence from Sweden. 1942 The U.S. ship Hornet was sunk in the Battle of Santa Cruz during World War II. 1944 During World War II, the Battle of Leyte Gulf ended. The battle was won by American forces and brought the end of the Pacific phase of World War II into sight. 1949 U.S. President Harry Truman raised the minimum wage from 40 to 75 cents an hour. 1951 Winston Churchill became the prime minister of Great Britain. 1955 New York City's "The Village Voice" was first published. 1957 The Soviet Union announced that defense minister Marchal Georgi Zhukov had been relieved of his duties. 1958 Pan American Airways flew its first Boeing 707 jetliner from New York City to Paris. 1962 The Soviet Union made an offer to end the Cuban Missile Crisis by taking their missile bases out of Cuba if the U.S. agreed to not invade Cuba and would remove Jupiter missiles in Turkey. 1967 The Shah of Iran crowned himself and his Queen after 26 years on the Peacock Throne. 1972 U.S. National security adviser Henry Kissinger declared, "Peace is at hand" in Vietnam. 1975 Anwar Sadat became the first Egyptian president to officially visit the United States. 1977 The experimental space shuttle Enterprise successfully landed at Edwards Air Force Base in California. 1979 South Korean President Park Chung-hee was shot to death by Kim Jae-kyu, the head of the Korean Central Intelligence Agency. 1980 Israeli President Yitzhak Navon became the first Israeli head of state to visit Egypt. 1984 "Baby Fae" was given the heart of baboon after being born with a severe heart defect. She lived for 21 days with the animal heart. 1985 Approximately 110,000 people marched past the U.S. and Soviet embassies in London to pressure the two countries to end their arms race. 1988 Roussel Uclaf, a French pharmaceutical company, announced it was halting the worldwide distribution of RU- 486. The pill is used to induce abortions. The French government made the company reverse itself two days later. 1988 Two whales were freed by Soviet and American icebreakers. The whales had been trapped for nearly 3 weeks in an Arctic ice pack. 1990 The U.S. State Department issued a warning that terrorists could be planning an attack on a passenger ship or aircraft. 1990 Wayne Gretzky became the first NHL player to reach 2,000 points. 1991 Former Washington Mayor Marion Barry arrived at a federal correctional institution in Petersburg, VA, to begin serving a six-month sentence for cocaine possession. 1992 General Motors Corp. Chairman Robert Stempel resigned after the company recorded its highest losses in history. 1992 In Canada, voters rejected the Charlottetown accord, which was designed to unify the country. 1993 Deborah Gore Dean was convicted of 12 felony counts of defrauding the U.S. government and lying to the U.S. Congress. Dean was a central figure in the Reagan-era HUD scandal. 1994 Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin of Israel and Prime Minister Abdel Salam Majali of Jordan signed a peace treaty. 1995 Mario Lemieux (Pittsburgh Penguins) scored his 500th National Hockey League (NHL) career goal against the New York Islanders in his 605th game. He became the second- fastest player to attain the plateau. Wayne Gretzky had reached 600 goals by his 575th NHL game. 1996 Federal prosecutors cleared Richard Jewell as a suspect in the Olympic park bombing. 1998 A French lab found a nerve agent on an Iraqi missile warhead. 2001 It was announced that Fort Worth's Lockheed Martin won a defense contract for $200 billion over 40 years. The contract, for the "joint strike fighter," was the largest defense contract in history. 2002 Russian authorities pumped a gas into a theater where separatist rebels held over 800 hostages. The gas killed 116 hostages and all 50 hostage-takers were killed by the gas or gunshot wounds. 2021 Do smiled. |
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