Good Morning, Do! Today is Friday, August 5 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!   ___________________________________________________ History on this day, August 4, in 1944, Polish insurgents liberated a German labor camp in Warsaw. 348 Jewish prisoners were freed. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Florida K-9 'murdered' in line of duty, suspect shot and killed by other officers _________________________________________________ Nobody believes the official spokesman... but everybody trusts an unidentified source. --- Ron Nesen If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself. --- Mickey Mantle (1931 - 1995) __________________________________________________ >From Maureen YOU MIGHT BE IRISH IF You think St. Patrick's Day is THE major holiday of the year. You believe God created Ireland and the rest happened by accident. You think all beautiful women are Irish. You think Boston is in Ireland. You think England is the place you're condemned to if you're bad. You think Dublin is the world capital. You know what St. Stephen's Day is. You think that New Year's resolutions are fine -- for that night! You believe that all harps have a soul. You believe that all music is Irish -- originally. ___________________________________________________ "The Jewish people have observed their 5761st year as a people." the Hebrew teacher informed his class. "Consider that the Chinese have observed only their 4695th. What does this mean to you?" After a reflective pause, one student volunteered, "Well for one thing, the Jews had to do without Chinese food for 1066 years. __________________________________________________ >Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Earnest Borders, Gone to hell, USA  Lake Wales K-9 'murdered' in line of duty, suspect shot and killed by other officers  A Lake Wales K-9 was killed in the line of duty Wednesday morning while responding to a domestic violence call, with investigators saying the suspect responsible was then shot and killed by officers at the scene. Police said K-9 Max "was murdered by a violent suspect," identified as 57-year-old convicted felon Earnest Borders. Chief Chris Velasquez said the incident began around 5 a.m. when 911 dispatchers received a call from a woman who told them Borders had pulled her out of a vehicle, beat her head on the concrete, choked her, and then shot a firearm multiple times before fleeing the area. Investigators said Borders then returned a short time later. When officers attempted to apprehend him, they said he fled alongside railroad tracks and into a wooded area. Lake Wales police set up a perimeter and asked for assistance from the Polk County Sheriff's Office. That's when they sent in K-9 Max and his handler, Officer Jared Joyner, to track Borders. Velasquez said when Max apprehended Borders and had him by the ankle, Borders pulled out his gun and shot the K9 Officer, killing him. I vaguely remember a bonehead in the mid 90s shot a deputy and his K9, so Sheriff Judd and his deputies got VERY serious. When a reporter asked he sheriff, why the perp had been shot with 86 bullets, he replied that that was, unfortunaately, all the ammo they had with them when they got close enough. Officer Jared Joyner and another officer emptied their guns and sent Borders to hell. According to the Lake Wales Police Department, Max joined the agency when he was 21 months old in 2016. Max, a Belgian Malinois from The Netherlands, was described as "fearless." "Officer Joyner lost a part of his family today," Velasquez said. "This officer is extremely distraught. He's heartbroken, and so are we." _____________________________________________________ REPORTED TO BE ACTUAL SIGNS: Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY. Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. Hotel, Acapulco: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE. Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: COOLS AND HEATS: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF. Car rental brochure, Tokyo: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR. Dry cleaner's, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS. In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER. On the grounds of a private school: NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION. On a Thai highway river-crossing: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE. On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP. In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS. A sign seen on a restroom automatic hand dryer: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS. In a Pumwani maternity ward: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED. In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES. Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIORS IN BED. Hotel notice, Tokyo: IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO SUCH A THING IS PLEASE NOT TO HAD NOTICE. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR. Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand: PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM Hotel brochure, Italy: THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE. Hotel lobby, Bucharest: THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE. Hotel elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK. Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY. Hotel catering to skiers, Austria: NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION. Taken from a menu, Poland: SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION. Supermarket, Hong Kong: FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE. >From the "Soviet Weekly": THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIETS REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS. In an East African newspaper: A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS. Hotel, Vienna: IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE. Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE. An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS. Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES. Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS? In the window on a Swedish furrier: FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN. The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE. In a Swiss mountain inn: SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE CREAM. Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT. A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME. _____________________________________________________ "The Jewish people have observed their 5761st year as a people." the Hebrew teacher informed his class. "Consider that the Chinese have observed only their 4695th. What does this mean to you?" After a reflective pause, one student volunteered, "Well for one thing, the Jews had to do without Chinese food for 1066 years. ___________________________________________________   7:00 AM here. Looks like we are going to have a wicked storm later on! ___________________________________________________ There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. The boys say he is two bricks short of a load, or couple fries short of a happy meal. To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger. One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Junior said, "No sir, you see if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!" ___________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits  From: Amanda RE: USB Coffee heater Dear Webby, Is there such a thing as a USB powered heater to keep my coffee cup hot? Amanda color> Dear Amanda Yes, there sure is! Check at Amazon and look for USB Coffee Warmer. Probably any of the multitude they got will work, except the ones from WISH. With most of them the shipping will be more than the cost of the cup warmer, but with small and cheap items, you have to expect that. Plug them directly into the computer, NOT into 6 or 8 slot USB hubs. Have FUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________________ Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded,"which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?" _____________________________________________________ a href="http://webby.com/humor/i/730am-L.jpg">  7:00 AM here. Looks like we are going to have a wicked storm later on! ___________________________________________________ Ideas are much like children - your own are wonderful. ___________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________ A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk. The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk. "I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath." The clerk asked, "Pasteurized?" She replied, . . . "No just up to my chin." _____________________________________________________ Kamala left her car out in a hail storm. When the storm was over she checked the car and found out it was covered with small dents. She went to the local garage and inquired how to fix the problem. The mechanic told her to blow on the tailpipe and the dents would be removed. She took the car home parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe. Nancy came by and inquired what she was doing, she told her she was blowing on the tailpipe to remove the dents. Nancy responded, "That's not going to work unless you roll up the windows!" _____________________________________________________   Stetind Mountain Norway Kamla Peerboccus ___________________________________________________ Bubba and Jake chartered a plane with a pilot to drop them off in the wilds of Alaska for a week of elk hunting, just the same as they did the year before. When the pilot returned with the plane Bubba exclaimed joyfully to the pilot, "We had a great hunting trip! We bagged four elk!" The pilot regretfully explained, "Unfortunately, our plane can only fly with the weight of two elk. You'll have to leave the other two behind." Bubba and Jake were both infuriated and insistent. "We won't allow you to fly this plane out without all four elk," Jake demanded. The eager to please pilot relented and the plane took off with the three of them and their four elk. About fifteen minutes into the flight the engine started to sputter, and within seconds they were hurtling to the ground. Wearily arising from the wreckage, Bubba looked at Jake and wheezed, "Do you have any idea where we are?" Jake, quite pleased with himself, replied, "Yes! We're about a mile from where we crashed last year. _____________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________ In the last couple of weeks, I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? ___________________________________________________ "I just hope it's not Alzheimers," confessed the older gentleman to his doctor. "Maybe there's some kind of memory medicine you can give me. See, I'm getting terribly forgetful; I lose track of where I'm going or what I'm supposed to do when I get there. What should I do?" he asked glumly. "Pay me in advance," the doctor promptly suggested. ____________________________________________________ 
 If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
 
 If you like my work,
 Please donate a dollar, 
 or two, if you can afford it!
 Please, help me stay online!
 
 _______________________________________________ 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 
 Today, August 5, in 1833, The village of Chicago was incorporated. The population was approximately 250. 1861, The U.S. federal government levied its first income tax. The tax was 3% of all incomes over $800. The wartime measure was rescinded in 1872. 1864, During the U.S. Civil War, Union forces led by Adm. David G. Farragut were led into Mobile Bay, Alabama. 1884, On Bedloe's Island in New York Harbor, the cornerstone for the Statue of Liberty was laid. 1914, The first electric traffic signal lights were installed in Cleveland, Ohio. 1921, The first play-by-play broadcast of a baseball game was done by Harold Arlin. KDKA Radio in Pittsburgh, PA described the action between the Pirates and Philadelphia. 1921, The cartoon "On the Road to Moscow", by Rollin Kirby, was published in the "New York World". It was the first cartoon to win a Pulitzer Prize. 1923, Henry Sullivan became the first American to swim across the English Channel. 1924, In the New York "Daily News" debuted the comic strip "Little Orphan Annie," by Harold Gray. 1944, Polish insurgents liberated a German labor camp in Warsaw. 348 Jewish prisoners were freed. 1953, During the Korean conflict prisoners were exchanged at Panmunjom. The exchange was labeled Operation Big Switch. 1963, The Limited Test Ban Treaty was signed by the United States, Britain, and the Soviet Union. The treaty banned nuclear tests in space, underwater, and in the atmosphere. 1964, U.S. aircraft bombed North Vietnam after North Vietnamese boats attacked U.S. destroyers in the Gulf of Tonkin. 1966, In New York, groundbreaking for the construction of the original World Trade Center began. 1969, The Mariner 7, a U.S. space probe, passed by Mars. Photographs and scientific data were sent back to Earth. 1974, U.S. President Nixon said that he expected to be impeached. Nixon had ordered the investigation into the Watergate break-in to halt. 1974, "Tank McNamara", the comic strip, premiered in 75 newspapers. 1981, The U.S. federal government started firing striking air traffic controllers. 1986, It was revealed that artist Andrew Wyeth had secretly created 240 drawings and paintings of his neighbor. The works of Helga Testorf had been created over a 15-year period. 1989, In Honduras, five Central American presidents began meeting to discuss the timetable for the dismantling of the Nicaraguan Contra bases. 1990, U.S. President George H.W. Bush angrily denounced the Iraqi invasion of Kuwait. 1991, An investigation was formally launched by Democratic congressional leaders to find out if the release of American hostages was delayed until after the Reagan-Bush presidential election. 1991, Iraq admitted to misleading U.N. inspectors about secret biological weapons. 1992, Federal civil rights charges were filed against four Los Angeles police officers. The officers had been acquitted on California State charges. Two of the officers were convicted and jailed on violation of civil rights charges. 1998, Iraqi President Saddam Hussein began not cooperating with U.N. weapons inspectors. 2002, The U.S. closed its consulate in Karachi, Pakistan. The consulate was closed after local authorities removed large concrete blocks and reopened the road in front of the building to normal traffic. 2009, Google purchased its first public company. The company was the video software maker On2 Technologies. 2011, NASA announced that its Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter had captured photographic evidence of possible liquid water on Mars during warm seasons. 2011, Juno was launched from Cape Canaveral Air Force Station on a mission to Jupiter. It was the first solar-powered spacecraft to go to Jupiter. 2011, Standard & Poor's Financial Services lowered the United States' AAA credit rating by one notch to AA-plus. 2022 Do! smiled. 

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!