Good Morning, Do! Today is Wednesday, December 5 Where I grew up in Austria, December 5 was the day Santa came by, and read the kids the riot act about their behavior during the year. Because of my frequently not so exemplary behavior, I was often threatened with getting sent to Jagdberg, an ancient castle converted to a juvenile jail and reform school. Well, I never quite got sent there. When I was 18 a college professor volunteered me to go play Santa at Jagdberg. Beside stage fright, there was the fear they would lock me up there, but I dressed up in the supplied garments, hopped on my motorcycle and roared up there. At Jagdberg they gave me a glass of Cherry Water Schnapps to calm my nerves, and for each classroom a stack of papers. I called the name on the top sheet, and read that kid's sins, then gave him or her a paper bag filled with goodies. Probably thanks to the Schnapps by the time I got to the second classroom, I got right into my act and really lit into the little twerps. I think they had about 16 classrooms, but by the time I was done with them all, I was sorry it was already finished. They gave me a couple of very tasty salami sandwiches and a coffee, and I left. On the way back I stopped at the place where my gtirlfriend stayed, a dormitory attached to the hospital nunnery. She tossed the key down when she heard my bike, and I silently crept up the stone steps to her floor and her room. Well some other girl was lurking and so I had to play Santa for her too. I only had a small bag of goodies for my girlfriend, so the lurker just got a hug and a kiss and a grope from Santa. She was happy. And shortly after that, my girlfriend was made happy by Santa himself. The sky was just beginning to lighten in the East when I finally rode my bike home. Have FUN! Dearwebby Today's Bonehead Award: Mom charged after OWI arrest led to 4-year-old being found alone in tow lot ______________________________________________________ Today, December 5 in 1951 The first push button-controlled garage opened in Washington, DC. More of today in history at History ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Writing well means never having to say, 'I guess you had to be there.' --- Jef Mallett, Frazz, 07-29-07 Mustard's no good without roast beef. --- Chico Marx (1891 - 1961) ______________________________________________________ David was a crotchety old fellow who always took breakfast with his wife. He would read the morning paper while she fumed at his neglect, and today of all days because it was their 25th wedding anniversary. David!! David!! Put down that paper and let's talk about how we are going to celebrate our wedding anniversary today. What do you suggest? David put his newspaper down, removed and polished his glasses, stared for a moment into the distance, then said, How about two minutes of silence? ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Mary for this: When you get angry it's because you're ill-tempered... It just happens that my nerves are bothering me. When you don't like someone it's because you're prejudiced... I just happen to be a good judge of human nature. When you compliment people it's because you use flattery to get your way... I only encourage people. When you take a long time to do a job it's because you're unbearable slow and pokey... I take a long time because I believe in quality workmanship. When you spend your paycheck in 24 hours, it's because you're a spendthrift... When I do, it's because I'm generous. _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ An English professor wrote the words, "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing." ______________________________________________________ I see you! _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Blair Springfield, 28, Milwaukee County, Wisconsin Mom charged after OWI arrest led to 4-year-old being found alone in tow lot pleads not guilty A 28-year-old Milwaukee mother whose OWI arrest led to her 4- year-old daughter being found alone in a van in the city tow lot hours later has been ordered to stand trial. On Tuesday, Nov. 27 Blair Springfield waived her right to a preliminary hearing, and pleaded not guilty. Springfield faces 10 charges: OWI, first offense, with a passenger under the age of 16 Neglecting a child (harm did not occur and child under 6 years or disability) Neglecting a child (specified harm did not occur) Neglecting a child (harm did not occur and child under 6 years or disability) Neglecting a child (harm did not occur and child under 6 years or disability) Neglecting a child (harm did not occur and child under 6 years or disability) OWI, first offense with a passenger under the age of 16 Neglecting a child (harm did not occur and child under 6 years or disability Neglecting a child (harm did not occur and child under 6 years or disability Operating with a prohibited alcohol concentration with a passenger under the age of 16 Springfield pleaded not guilty to three of the charges on Saturday, Nov. 17, when she appeared in court for the first time Count 1, Count 3, Count 7 and Count 10. Cash bond was set at $1,500. Springfield was taken into custody near 39th and Forest Home on Nov. 12, after prosecutors said she passed out behind the wheel of a minivan. She was not charged in that case. Her adult passenger and baby were removed from the vehicle, but the 4-year-old was left in the back seat. Prosecutors said the child was not mentioned by her mother and also missed by officers. The incident happened just weeks after prosecutors said Springfield passed out in a McDonald's drive-thru with children and bottles of vodka in the car. Milwaukee County Circuit Court Judge Cynthia Davis ordered the latest case go to trial during Springfield's court hearing on Tuesday. If convicted, Springfield could gain more time behind bars. She could also lose the children. The Milwaukee Police Department has not yet released squad or body camera footage from Nov. 12, the night Springfield was arrested. Springfield's next court appearance has been scheduled for Dec. 5. From: Joyce Re: Wandering Arrow Dear Webby, I hope you can help me.I thought i seen it once on here & forgot to save it. What a ninnie i was there. OK when I am just reading or browesing pages, the arrow on my laptop just takes off. How can i stop it from doing that, but i need step by step instrustion, or i can't do it cause i am a ninnie & my daughter don't like helping. Love your letter every morning Thank You Joyce Dear Joyce The mouse arrow taking off is usually not due to a program setting, but to your thumb on the silly touch pad on the laptop. Since you have a mouse anyway, just cut a piece of cardboard to just fit the touch pad level with the keyboard area. Problem solved instantly. Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game. The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year." His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept!" | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Bernie was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of prunes at the grocery store!" "Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Bernie boy decided to call the grocery store. A clerk answered and Bernie said, "May I speak with the Vice President of prunes, please?" The clerk replied, "Dried, canned or frozen?" ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com Bank Those Savings for Next Christmas When I save money by using coupons or buying something on sale, I put the saved money into a savings account. By the end of the year I have enough money in the account to pay for Christmas presents without having to go into debt. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ | | A 12 million year old praying mantis encased in amber. |
___________________________________________________ While driving through Buffalo after a heavy snow storm, a motorist noted a cop, apparently waist deep in snow, directing traffic. Feeling sorry for him, the motorist called out "I'm sorry you have to work half buried in the snow." The cop called back "Don't feel sorry for me, feel sorry for my horse!" ___________________________________________________ A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions. On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead. When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party. Two were dead, ten were dyiing. ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?" "Manure," the farmer replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy. "Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours." ___________________________________________________ | Today December 5 in 1560 Charles IX succeeded as King of France on the death of Francis II. 1766 James Christie, founder of the famous auctioneers, held his first sale in London. 1797 Napoleon Bonaparte arrived in Paris to command forces for the invasion of England. 1812 Napoleon Bonaparte left his army as they were retreating from Russia. 1848 U.S. President Polk triggered the Gold Rush of '49 by confirming the fact that gold had been discovered in California. 1876 The Stillson wrench was patented by D.C. Stillson. The device was the first practical pipe wrench. 1904 The Russian fleet was destroyed by the Japanese at Port Arthur, during the Russo-Japanese War. 1908 At the University of Pittsburgh, numerals were first used on football uniforms worn by college football players. 1913 Britain outlawed the sending of arms to Ireland. 1932 German physicist Albert Einstein was granted a visa making it possible for him to enter the U.S. even though he was a Jew. 1933 Prohibition came to an end when Utah became the 36th state to ratify the 21st Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. 1934 Fighting broke out between Italian and Ethiopian troops on the Somalian border. 1934 The Soviet Union executed 66 people charged with plotting against Joseph Stalin's government. 1935 In Montebello, CA, the first commercial hydroponics operation was established. 1936 The Soviet Union adopted a new Constitution under a Supreme Council. 1944 During World War II, Allied troops took Ravenna, Italy. 1945 The so-called "Lost Squadron" disappeared. The five U.S. Navy Avenger bombers carrying 14 Navy flyers began a training mission at the Ft. Lauderdale Naval Air Station. They were never heard from again. 1951 The first push button-controlled garage opened in Washington, DC. 1955 The American Federation of Labor and the Congress of Industrial Organizations merged to form the AFL-CIO. 1956 British and French forces began a withdrawal from Egypt during the Suez War. 1958 Britain's first freeway, the Preston by-pass, was opened by Prime Minister Macmillan. 1961 United Nations forces launched an attack in Katanga, the Congo, near Elizabethville. 1962 The U.S. and the Soviet Union agreed to cooperate in the peaceful uses of outer space. 1971 The Soviet Union, at United Nations Security Council, vetoed a resolution calling for a cease-fire in hostilities between India and Pakistan over Kashmir. 1976 Jacques Chirac re-founded the Gaullist party as the RPR (Rassemblement pour la Rpublique). 1977 Egypt broke diplomatic relations with Syria, Libya, Algeria, Iraq and South Yemen due to peaceful relations with Israel. 1978 The American space probe Pioneer Venus I, orbiting Venus, began beaming back its first information and picture of the planet. 1979 Sonia Johnson was formally excommunicated by the Mormon Church due to her outspoken support for the proposed Equal Rights Amendment to the Constitution. 1983 In west Beirut, Lebanon, more than a dozen people were killed when a car bomb shattered a nine-story apartment building. 1983 The video arcade game "NFL Football" was unveiled in Chicago. It was the first video arcade game to be licensed by the National Football League. 1984 Iran's official news agency quoted the hijackers of a Kuwaiti jetliner parked at Tehran airport as saying they would blow up the plane unless Kuwait released 14 imprisoned extremists. 1985 The Dow Jones Industrial Average rose above 1,500 for the first time. 1986 The Soviet Union said it would continue to abide by the SALT II treaty limits on nuclear weapons. This was despite the decision by the U.S. to exceed them. 1988 Jim Bakker and former aide Richard Dortch were indicted by a federal grand jury in North Carolina on fraud and conspiracy charges. 1989 Israeli soldiers killed five heavily armed Arab guerrillas who crossed the border from Egypt. The guerrillas were allegedly going to launch a terrorist attack commemorating the anniversary of the Palestinian uprising. 1989 East Germany's former leaders were placed under house arrest. 1992 Russian President Boris Yeltsin kept the power to appoint Cabinet ministers, defeating a constitutional amendment that would have put his team of reformers under the control of Russia's Congress. 1998 James P. Hoffa became the head of the Teamsters union, 23 years after his father was the head. His father disappeared and was presumed dead. 2001 In Germany, Afghan leaders signed a pact to create a temporary administration for post-Taliban Afghanistan. Two women were included in the cabinet structure. Hamid Karzai and his Cabinet were planned to take over power in Afghanistan on December 22. 2008 The iTunes Music Store reached 300 million applications downloaded. 2010 NASA's Mars Odyssey spacecraft became the longest-operating spacecraft ever sent to Mars. The Odyssey entered orbit around Mars on October 23, 2001. 2014 NASA's Orion Multi-Purpose Crew Vehicle (MPCV) debuted when it was launched for a four hour test flight. It landed on target in the Pacific Ocean. 2018 Do smiled. |
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